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{5}

“Bro, this is called chicken. Didn’t your mom tell you that?”

“Food!”

“It’s all food, goddamn — dang it! Ugh! Why do kids have to repeat everything?!”

“Everything!”

“Yeah, yeah,” I grumbled, pushing the bowl of chicken closer to Stan. Is this an autistic kid thing or a regular kid thing? He inspected the white meat before clumsily chomping down on it, dropping his fork on the table. God, crumbs are getting everywhere, oh my God. I put his fork back in the bowl but he swatted it away.

“Oh my God!”

“Maybe you should move away from my son before you have a heart attack.” Taeyeon set her hands on my arms and moved me away from the mess. I felt my eye twitch. Babies were messier than I remembered. “Alright, Stan, let’s go pee.”

“Pee!” the boy yelled, running down the hall by himself before his mother chased after him. I managed to smile a little and sat back down. Being near Taeyeon made me warm. We had to build our relationship again, but I was content. Taeyeon was happy and her new life was full of color. I jumped a little as the front door’s knob jiggled and glanced at the time. Did Minju get off from work early? Since when did I know Minju’s work schedule?

“Where is the boy? Uncle Seung came back!” I widened my eyes as the man stepped into the apartment, beaming as I vaguely heard Taeyeon shout from the bathroom. He set down a carry-on and turned, meeting my eyes. His smile fell. A chill gripped my spine. “What the Hell are you doing here.”

Out of Taeyeon’s friends, Seunghyun was the most intimidating, even in high school. Wooyoung was in the air force, but Seunghyun had the vibe. He was tall and did everything with an air of confidence. He was close to my ex and was a capable man. He also always wore a new suit. Choi Seunghyun oozed intimidation. “So you went home first?” he narrowed his eyes at me, but I wondered if that was just his natural expression.

“Yeah, I hung out with Jessica for about a week before settling here in March,” I replied – was my voice always so quiet? – and his jaw tightened even more. I gripped my thigh.

“Why did you settle here? Couldn’t you have just stayed in Korea?” I almost flinched. The percussionists were always abrasive. In high school, I would’ve smacked him, but things were different. He had an edge on me.

“Seunghyun, don’t say things like that,” Taeyeon frowned, setting Stan on the floor after pulling up his droopy pants. I was finally glad I was in the same room as the baby; he was the only thing that made Seunghyun keep his cool.

“Seung!” Stan called out, giggling at the sight of his uncle.

“Uncle Seung.”

“Seung!” Stan bounced and the banker let out a smile, shocking me even more.

“I don’t know why he won’t just say ‘uncle’, it’s not like he doesn’t know what it means,” Taeyeon sighed, falling on the couch as her son and friend rolled on the floor.

“He probably likes the sound of ‘Seung’. ‘Uncle’ has too many syllables,” Seunghyun suggested and pulled Stan into his lap, tickling him and blowing raspberries. Woah this is weird, what happened to Seunghyun? Along with the other percussionists, I remembered him being more of a child. He never gave off a paternal vibe, but Stan loved him. “Fine, if Taeyeon’s forgiven you, I’ll do the same.”

“Oh my God.” The world is ending.

“Shut up,” he glared, mid-tickle.

“Shut up!” Stan repeated and Taeyeon widened her eyes. I snorted. “Shut up!”

“Are you kidding me?!”

“I’m so sorry!”

When Taeyeon and Stan left the living room, I was, once again, alone with Seunghyun. He typed away mercilessly on his phone with the same stone jaw. I was afraid he might’ve contacted their old group of friends and that I was going to wake up with them in my face. I shifted to the edge of the couch, not daring to look in his direction. “Have you met Minju yet?” he asked. I bit my lip. When we were kids, it was easier to pretend he didn’t influence me.

“Yeah, she’s great. I can see that she really loves Taeyeon,” I admitted and he hummed. How many times has he met Minju himself? But it didn’t matter to him or to me.

“Taeyeon’s happy with her.” I gripped the couch.

“I know, don’t worry, I’m not here to get back with her,” I said, glancing behind my shoulder. Seunghyun chose to look up at the same time. Doubt flashed in his eyes as he eyed me. “I swear.”

“Do you know what happened after you left?” He was a banker; he was persuasive and charismatic, but no one could ever tell what he was thinking. Perhaps his adult profession was what made him even colder. “Taeyeon tried to be normal. For about a week she mourned the relationship, but then she tried to act.”

“Taeyeon’s a terrible actress…” I mumbled to myself, but Seunghyun hummed. I glanced at him. Does he honestly care for Taeyeon? I sighed. Of course, why would I doubt him? He was there for her when I wasn’t.

“She never told us about being interested in adoption,” he huffed, smiling, but it fell. “When I heard she adopted Stan…I wanted to scream at her,” he chuckled bitterly. I stared as he rubbed his eyes. Oh my God, he’s crying. His eyes gleamed and he let out a deep sigh. “A child couldn’t ease her pain, a son couldn’t ease her heartache, I was so sure. But when I came back, I saw him and her. They’re beautiful.” I didn’t understand. It was then I realized that I was not the girl for Taeyeon. Stan was cute and I could find a little affection for him, but I didn’t cry for him. I didn’t think he was beautiful. “Taeyeon’s an adult and she’s finally acting like it, she can handle some pain. But Stan is barely a child, so don’t hurt the kid.”

I watched Stan fall asleep as Taeyeon and Seunghyun talked privately. I noticed that the baby laid in the center of his bed, arms and legs stretched out, and examined the pillow fort Taeyeon built around him. He likes to move and sometimes he sleep crawls, this is so he doesn’t fall off. I smiled. Stan was cute, and he was Taeyeon’s son, but I felt distant. In a way, it was a good thing; I didn’t want to be attached to a child that wasn’t mine, but what did Taeyeon feel? Was it the same way she looked at her family, at Minju? The baby jerked and I flinched but he relaxed again and snored a little. Was I supposed to feel something? What were the moments that made Taeyeon, Seunghyun, and other people fall in love with babies? I walked back outside as Minju came home from work, her white coat ed and hair still pulled back.

“Oh hi Seunghyun! When’d you get here?”

“I just came in, don’t worry, it’s only for a few days.” I frowned while watching the two hug but ended up sighing. Of course they were on better terms.

“You can crash here any time you like, it still is your place,” Minju insisted, walking around to kiss Taeyeon’s head. She glanced into the baby’s bedroom and left when she saw he was asleep. Watching the four of them live and talk to each other, I felt empty. I obviously didn’t belong in Taeyeon’s life anymore. She grew up and had a family and was an adult. I barely let her go only a few months earlier. Without being in a relationship, I had no purpose being near her. I was an outsider. I didn’t deserve to easily come back into Taeyeon’s life when she tried to so hard to create something out of the mess I made.

“Tiffany?” I looked up but Taeyeon was already in front of me. “Are you okay? How’s your depression?” she muttered and I froze. She still remembers. It was a secret very few people knew about. I told Taeyeon in the very beginnings of our friendship, over 15 years ago, when we weren’t close enough to judge each other. I wanted to hold her as the memories rushed to me but I held onto the feeling. I wasn’t going to spiral out of control.

“I’m okay, don’t worry,” I smiled and her brows furrowed. I squeezed her arms and felt her relax. Why do you have to care about everyone so much? “It’s getting a little late, I should go.”

“What do you mean? It’s not even 10, you can always fight with Seung over the couch if you need to,” Taeyeon insisted, giving my wrist a firm squeeze.

“You’re not an idol anymore too, right? Minju! Let’s make some ramen!” Seunghyun whooped, rolling up his sleeves.

“Fine, since I’m still in a cooking mood. Tae and Seunghyun like spicy sausage, cheese, and eggs but, Tiffany, is there anything you want?” Minju looked at me and her eyes widened. “Are you okay? Why are you crying?” Am I crying? I touched my eyes and found tears in them. I sniffed and felt my chest thumping hard, tugging at my heart.

“Oh my gosh! Don’t cry!” Taeyeon hugged me and I let myself hold her back, closing my eyes as I laid in her shoulder.

“I’m just really happy.” There is a place for me.

As a teen, I was never truly friends with my exes. Granted, I never cared much for them either way, but the idea was foreign in high school. After moving to Korea, dating became even more restricted, and the only person I thought about taking the next step with was Taeyeon. It made sense to me that I wasn’t on good terms with her after our break-up, but now, I wanted things to change. “I always order out at home, I haven’t had ramen in a while,” Seunghyun blew on his noodles, slurping them up. I had to agree with him and hummed as I twirled some noodles in the cheese.

“Thanks for this, Babe.”

“No problem. I’m gonna shower, you guys eat up, okay?” The noodles are al dente. I glanced at Minju as she walked off.

“When was the last time you ate ramen?” Taeyeon asked and I looked back to her.

“Probably around 6 months ago. We didn’t have many fixings either besides kimchi and eggs,” I nodded, remembering the last time when my members once shared a pot. “They’d kill me if they saw us here now.”

“Do you still keep in contact with them?” Taeyeon wondered.

“I’ve called Amy a few times but she’s still submerged in the idol industry so she’s busy,” I said and Taeyeon smiled a little.

“She still crazy?” she asked and I chuckled.

“Definitely.”

“Hey, the hot ones are always crazy,” Seunghyun pointed out and I almost choked on my soup. How does he know Amy is hot? Did he actually look us up?

“Should you really be talking? You haven’t settled down yet, all you like are the crazy ones,” Taeyeon teased and the man shook his head, drinking his beer.

“Yeah but they’re all hot,” he winked. I glanced at him and Taeyeon, who could only sigh.

“Hurry up and get a girlfriend, seriously.” This was the kind of Seunghyun I was used to seeing around Taeyeon, the goofy, laidback, and sarcastic guy that used to bring life to all their high school hang outs.

“I’m already in my 30’s, should I even keep looking?” Should I even keep looking? I stared at my bowl. He had a point. After 30, what were the chances of finding a partner and getting married? Everyone in an appropriate age range was most likely taken or not compatible. It was so easy to be with Taeyeon.

“Of course you should! I met Minju when I was over 30, it’s definitely possible,” Taeyeon insisted and Seunghyun sighed, shrugging. “Don’t think like that, you’ll meet someone soon.” Do I want to be in another relationship?

“Man, but will she ever make ramen as good as Minju’s?” he joked and Taeyeon grinned.

“You’ll love her for your own reasons.” Can I love her without bias? My future seemed so solid and comforting with my best friend by my side. Without her, I felt vulnerable in a whole new way. What did this mean for my future in romantic relationships? Did I want another relationship? What would that lead to? All I was confident about was company; I craved company.

“I honestly want a kid; I want a family. Visiting you makes me wonder if I could just adopt like you did, as a single parent,” he frowned, leaning on a hand. The two of them grew up with their own percussionist family, it made sense that they felt similarly when it came to kids.

“It’s not worth it unless you can spend time with the kid, just throwing money at them won’t raise them well,” Taeyeon advised and Seunghyun nodded. “But I love Stan. He’s the best thing that happened to me, hands down.” No matter how much I prepared for that blow, my heart still sunk into my toes. Things were just different. It wasn’t the same when there was a child involved.