A/N: Please read the updated Foreword if you haven't done so already.

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{1}

I couldn’t help myself. Everything melted when her eyes quivered and watered, hitting me in the chest. I’m sorry. Her emotions radiated towards me in waves, making my heart lurch. I stumbled into the apartment and threw my arms around her, trembling as she held me back. It felt so good. Her hand warmed my back, drifting up and down, like ice on my skin. And her waist was still perfect for me to hold, my senses hit me in the head when I took a deep breath of her scent. You smell so good. “I missed you,” I mumbled, trying not to touch her skin, trying to keep this as friendly as I could while quenching the desire to be close to her.

“I missed you too,” she hummed before pulling away. She still looked so young, like nothing had changed. Her hair was a little darker but it looked just as good as before. Her eyes still pierced right through me, making me squirm. I could feel my eyes give away my feelings, unable to control how I looked at her, until the woman stood next to her and handed Taeyeon the little boy as he reached out for her. Jealousy immediately erupted but I calmed myself down. She’s moved on, she looks happy. It was heart shattering, but Taeyeon smiled at the child in her arms, and something inside of me swelled. “Tiffany, this is Minju. Minnie, this is Tiffany.” The woman didn’t seem hostile, but she recognized me, and her body slightly stiffened when we shook hands. I took a better look at her. , she’s cute. Her baby face was, begrudgingly, a good match for Taeyeon’s. And she’s shorter than Taeyeon. “And this little guy’s Stan.” Stan? I smiled a little bit. He had such an old man’s name for such a small child.

“How old is he?” I asked, leaning down a bit to accommodate his size. He’s so cute. His head was so round and his hair looked so soft.

“He’s almost three,” Taeyeon grinned. He looks a little like her. The eyes were a little similar. “Can you say hi, buddy?” Wide eyes considered mine and I found myself gulping. I wanted him to like me.

“Mm,” he whined and snuggled his head into Taeyeon’s shoulder, holding her tightly. I nearly collapsed.

“Sorry, he’s tired, it’s time for his nap,” Taeyeon smiled gently into the boy’s hair and kissed his head. It suddenly came to me that Taeyeon had a family, she was a mother. Have I been gone for three years or thirteen years? I looked at Taeyeon, unable to recognize the woman in front of me. “Why don’t you sit down? We’ll talk in a minute,” she gestured to the table and I briefly remembered Seunghyun and Xiumin leaning against the glass the last time I was here. I guess they’re not roommates anymore.

“I can put him down, Babe.” It’s the same place but it’s so different.

“Come with me, he’s gotta get used to it.” I took a seat, immediately staring at a photo of a smaller Stan. I couldn’t think as I saw the little chin dimple I fell in love with. Did Taeyeon actually carry a baby? No, she would be too busy for that, did…Minju give her a baby? Four years after our breakup, three and a half years since we were completely broken, Taeyeon was the mother of a 2 year-old son and in a relationship for God knows how long. Are they married? I couldn’t remember if I saw a ring or not. I clenched a fist.

Finding Taeyeon in this situation wasn’t supposed to affect me so much. I told myself it was reasonable that she moved on, it was reasonable for her to chase what she wanted, especially since she’s wanted it for so long. Yet, I knew I wanted her to be single, child-less, and still thinking of me. I wanted her to love me just as much, to want me back just as much. I couldn’t help but feel the black creeping in. I guess 15 years wasn’t enough to keep her waiting around. I felt awful for wanting her to be single and miserable. Taeyeon deserved happiness, she deserved whoever could give her the whole world and I couldn’t. I had to accept that it was Minju who could. “I’ll see you later, okay?” I looked over and saw Minju changed into her own clothes. Dammit she has style. The couple stood by the opened door. Oh she’s leaving us alone. I was suddenly jealous of a whole other trait that Minju had that I didn’t: trust.

“Call me if you need anything.” Their kiss was short and sweet and all I could think about was how my goodbyes were so different than hers. I turned away when Taeyeon closed the door and heard her sigh. It weighed on me for a moment.

“Want a drink?” I snorted a little and she smirked. Don’t do that please.

“Aren’t you supposed to be a lightweight?” I raised a brow as she opened the cupboards, pouring various liquids into a glass.

“I drink a little better now, thank you very much. Gin and tonic, right?” she set the glass in front of me. I felt my heart warming a little.

“Thanks, are you drinking red wine because it’s supposed to have heart benefits?” I wondered and she smiled.

“Yup! My grandparents gave me some of their glassware and a bottle after I completed my residency, so I open it up occasionally,” she swirled the wine in the small glass and I hummed. Your grandparents must be so proud of you. I was proud. She was so much brighter than when we were together.

“Did you set up practice in the same hospital?” I wondered and she nodded.

“I have a lot of history there and Dr. Huang put in a good word for me with the board. Plus, the area’s a little busier and the hospital is at the center of the city so I get paid extremely well,” she nodded. She must be so relieved now, having a stable and comfortable income. “I mean, it’s nothing compared to what you made as an idol.”

“Hey, you don’t make a seven-figure income without holding the title of Asia’s number one girl group,” I smiled and she chuckled. Does she know I left that life? Our conversation stopped and all I could do was stare at her. Simply being around her gave me a warm, secure feeling. I missed it, the security, the dependability only Taeyeon could give me. It swelled inside of my chest and spread to my toes, making them curl.

“I saw that you left your group,” she noted and I hummed, stiffly taking a sip of my drink. Has she been keeping tabs on me? “Why’d you leave? I thought you wanted to stay in Korea a while longer.” I looked at her and sighed. I missed you too much.

“I feel too old, plus, I wanted to come home and live a little simpler. I missed my family and my friends…” I mumbled and she nodded slowly. I did miss my family and I did miss my friends, but I also missed her.

“How long have you been back in the States?” she asked and I shifted a little.

“I’ve been hanging out with Jessica for the past week. We hung out back home at her place, it’s been a while since I last went there so it was fun going down memory lane.” But most of my memories involved Taeyeon. After all, in high school, we were inseparable. Nearly every high school hangout had a memory of teenage Taeyeon. It’s my turn. “When did you…how long have…” I couldn’t even say it. I groaned a little.

“I adopted Stan when he was one, if that’s what you’re trying to ask.” Adopted? I was immediately brought back to that one Christmas morning where Taeyeon managed to make me believe – albeit briefly – that adopting a child would please us both.

“I kind of thought he looked like you,” I admitted and she smiled brightly.

“I love it when people say that, even if it’s because they don’t know, makes me feel like he’s mine even more.” I never really watched her face when she was in bliss, but I could only assume this is what bliss looked like on Taeyeon. I only knew because the expression was making my legs fidget and warmth spread in my body. “He was so cute, I couldn’t resist. I tried playing with him at the orphanage but for the first 30 minutes he wouldn’t even look at me. When I tried to leave, he fell onto my foot and started crying. I freaked out.” I snorted at the thought. “The woman in charge told me that they thought he was autistic.” I stopped chuckling and looked at Taeyeon. She smiled and fiddled with her glass. “It explained why he didn’t look at me in the eye and why he didn’t say anything. He couldn’t. She told me a lot of interested parents didn’t want an autistic child, even if he wasn’t diagnosed yet, because part of his behavior involved the inability to trust people and it made him cold. But she told me that if he liked someone, he’d ask for hugs by leaning in their direction, which is why he fell on my foot.” A tear fell from her eyes and my hand touched hers instinctively. Stan doesn’t hate me; he just can’t look at me. I melted. Imagining a tiny Stan and a slightly heartbroken Taeyeon hugging was so adorably pathetic it was cute. “So I adopted him. It was a little hard at first, I was still in my residency but I spent time with him in the day and Xiumin put him to sleep when he lived here. Stan was still not really interacting with others well but he realized I was around for the long run and he does like to talk now, just not around people he doesn’t know or doesn’t like.”

“I think you’re a really amazing mother,” I blurted out and she wiped her eyes, beaming. I can see how much love you have for him. It definitely wasn’t a secret. And I almost made her give this up. I never realized how much Taeyeon wanted a family. I never thought about what it meant to her, how she would feel. I only thought about how bad I was with kids and how I wanted Taeyeon to myself.

“Thanks, I still have some getting used to things, but my shift is a lot better now that I’m a practicing physician. I work every Friday through Sunday from 9 PM to 8 AM now so I put Stan to bed and come home before he wakes up. I’m off the rest of the week and I get a month of paid vacation,” she drank the remaining wine she had as I sat in awe of the fact she had to work three 11-hour shifts per week in a row during the weekend.

“Damn, now I feel bad for taking the producing job simply because I can work whenever I want,” I muttered and she laughed out loud, making me smile. , I missed that laugh so bad.

“Different paths, right, Tiffany?” she stared at me and I sighed a little, drifting in the golden flecks of her eyes. The nostalgia of everything was so overwhelming, it gave me a buzz, as if simply talking and being near her was enough to get my adrenaline pumping. She’s in a committed relationship, you can’t do this. I brought myself down a little bit.

“How long have you been with Minju?” I wondered, trying hard to hide the fact my heart was trying to beat out of my neck. She blinked, probably surprised I was even mentioning her current partner. I was too.

“Not too long, we’ve only been dating about a year.” I attempted to exhale smoothly. They’re not married. Was that a good thing to hear? But it explained Stan’s behavior, how he only had eyes for his mother. “Are you seeing anyone?” I gulped.

“No…I haven’t found the time to commit…” It was such a dumb lie but Taeyeon didn’t say anything about it.

“Why didn’t you call or text?” Has gin and tonic always been this clear? “For the past three and a half years I heard nothing from you.” Would it be better colder? Should I get more ice? “Do you know how hard it was to hear your thoughts from a studio recording?” I snapped up. Chills ran up my spine, the twitch spread across my back.

“You listened to my songs?” I mumbled and she gave me a sheepish smile.

“On the last album, you gave thanks to ‘Dr. T’ for having good and bad moments.” I wouldn’t have been so bold if knew you were watching! “I went back and listened to that album and all of the other stuff that had your name as the lyricist or composer.” That was a fair amount of songs then. I could feel my face burning up, turning red at all of the lyrics and all of the music I put out while thinking of Taeyeon and our relationship, especially the ones after we broke up. It was so embarrassing.

“Don’t look at me,” I grumbled, drinking up the last drop of my drink to try and make me braver.

“Tiffany, I know this isn’t the greatest relationship around, but I hope you know that I still consider you the best friend I’ve ever had.” The words went straight to my brain and I almost fell over. Taeyeon just knew what people wanted to hear, it was why so many people loved her, why they would kill to have the place Minju was in. “You want that too, right? Isn’t that why you’re here?”

“Yeah.” I kept the other part of the reason to myself. “I’m sorry…it was just a lot to take in back then but I want to make up for lost time. You’re still my best friend, please forgive me.” She stood up from her chair and walked around to my side. A little part of me died when she held me again, resting her chin on my head as I bawled into her shirt, gripping the cloth as it drowned me. I cried to get rid of the guilt from ignoring the most important person in my life for over three years, to get rid of the relief of finally living a quieter life after my time as a K-Pop idol, to get rid of the surprise of everything I just learned in the past hour. It burned from the inside out, but the pain eased as Taeyeon’s hand gently my hair.

“You don’t need to apologize; I’ve already forgiven you.” Now it was my turn to do the same.