Things did start getting better after that. As Jinyoung predicted, having other teachers join in his observation rotation helped get the unpleasant teacher off his case a little. Multiple factors would go into his performance review and placement, so as long as he could get enough positives to drown out the one big negative, he'd be back on track. He still had his share of difficult days where he'd get moody and uncommunicative with Mark, but all-in-all, he was finding it a whole lot easier to stay optimistic.

And as he'd promised, he kept Mark informed of everything going on, even on his moody days. When he needed to complain and go on a rant, he did. When he wanted just to lay back on the couch and watch Muppet Treasure Island with Lou until he fell asleep, he felt comfortable doing that, too. The change in his outlook was a huge relief to Mark. He'd seriously worried that the whole thing might cause serious problems for them, so he was relieved Jinyoung had been willing to hear him out and give him a shot.

The only downside was that now Jinyoung was more focused, he also noticed all the spring cleaning Mark was doing out of nowhere.

“You're not moving, are you?” Jinyoung asked, spotting Mark's stack of clothing boxes he was planning on donating to charity.

“No, just unloading a few things.”

“I thought you might consider moving since Allison and Jackson are.”

“Why? I like my apartment.” Mark looked at Jinyoung curiously. Did Jinyoung not like his apartment? Should he consider moving to somewhere nicer before asking Jinyoung to move in with him? There was no way he could put Lou through two moves one right after the other, though, could he?

“No reason,” Jinyoung said. “I'm glad you're staying. I've always liked this place.”

Mark blinked at him, even more confused now. Had Jinyoung really assumed he would move just because Allison was going to? He wondered how he had given the impression of someone who based his life decisions off of whatever his ex-wife was doing.

“You don't think the bedroom is too dinky, do you?” Mark asked, just to make sure Jinyoung wouldn't want him to do some interior re-decorating right off the bat.

“I love your bedroom, Mark. The only thing I don't like is the fact that you have no paintings. The walls are boring.”

“Ah. In that case, what paintings should I get?”

“Something impressionist. Like a Monet print, or something.”

Mark made a mental note to drop by the antique shop before Jinyoung moved in (if he moved in. Mark had to keep reminding himself that he hadn't actually said yes yet).

Overall, mid-March went by much more peacefully than the earlier part of the month. The end was coming closer into view. Jinyoung would just have April and early May to get through before he graduated and could put worries like these out of his mind. And Mark hoped to make the home stretch easier with the little present he was planning. Even if one day at the spa wouldn't be enough to erase a few months worth of worry from Jinyoung's shoulders, it would at least give him a much needed break to sit back and be taken care of after having worked so hard on his own.

Mark was practically bouncing off the walls the day before his spa date was planned. He'd done everything so far but decide how he'd announce the date to Jinyoung. He thought it might be fun to get him into the car and pretend like they were going somewhere less exciting—the bank, or something—and then surprise him by turning into the spa center parking lot instead. As for asking Jinyoung to move in, he thought doing it over dinner would be best, although perhaps doing it right in the middle of things at the hotel would be amusing in its own way. He just wanted to ask him. He wanted Jinyoung to say yes. He wanted the next part of their lives together to begin as soon as possible. He wanted to go to sleep every night with Jinyoung, to wake up with him, to see him on all the weekdays, to cook for him, to smell his alluring cinnamon scent everyone, to listen to him harp about the socks Mark left lying around the house from time to time.

Mark had just started on one of his lameass mirror role-plays in which he asked Jinyoung to shack up in the suavest manner possible when he heard the doorbell ring. He glanced at his watch. It was early evening, and Jinyoung wasn't supposed to drop by for another hour or so. Maybe he was early? Mark gave up his mirror theatrics and trotted over to check.

To his surprise, it was Allison. And not the crisp, well-put together Allison he was used to seeing. Allison was red-eyed, puffy faced, and wearing her work out clothes under her grape color windbreaker which didn't match her lime green yoga pants at all.

“Hey,” she said. “Can I come in?”

Mark stepped aside and let her pass through. “Did something happen, Allie?” he asked.

She didn't answer immediately. She just cast her eyes around the room to see what changes he'd made since the last time she'd been there, as she usually did. She'd become a bigger fan of it ever since he entered into what she called “the Jinyoung era.” “Cute seasonal decorations, lots of candles, and no dirty socks all over the place? What's not to love!” But today, her eyes didn't really settle on anything. They just kept darting around, as if staying in constant motion would keep them from relaxing long enough to form tears.

“Allie?” Mark repeated cautiously.

“Yes, something happened,” she said. “We got in a fight.”

“You and your parents.”

“No, me and Jackson.”

Mark stared at her. He was pretty sure he'd never heard about them arguing before now. Of course, they had their little tiffs like every couple, but those were easily smoothed over. There had never been anything that would send her off running looking like a mess, presumably leaving Lou either with the boyfriend she'd just fought with, or her parents.

“I'll make tea,” Mark decided. He fumbled through his cupboard for a flavor which promised instant relaxation and got the kettle out. That had always worked when they were married, and he prayed it worked now. The last thing Allison needed right now was to get into a bad fight with her fiance when she was already in a mood over the wedding.

“It was probably silly,” Allison said, leaning against the counter, her eyes downcast. “But I'm just so pissed all the time that I can't take anything right now, silly or not. My mother did it again. I told her I didn't want an expensive wedding dress, so she goes out and buys me one with my measurements and pretends like she lost the receipt or maybe just set it on fire, I don't know. And if that wasn't bad enough, she 'confirmed' my official wedding date with our priest and booked the chapel—for next spring! AND registered me for new china and silverware at Macy's, even though I still have what was given to us from our wedding. I don't want people spending thousands on me for no reason, but she's claiming my china is now apparently out of date, and it's tradition to ask for things when you're getting married, whether you actually need them or not. I'm just so sick of it. No matter what I do or what I say, the only result is having my life planned out for me. And Jackson...” She closed her eyes and took a breath.

Mark gave her the time she needed to continue on her own.

“I know it for him, too. He just doesn't want to live the rest of his life with them hating him for not letting them get their way. But when he told me we should just go ahead with the wedding next year and let them have their big reception and invite list, I just lost it. What if they keep manipulating him like this for the rest of our lives? I can't live like that. I don't want them to decide where Lou will go to school or which apartment we'll move into or anything else they've tried to stick their nose in. Even with our custody arrangement, if I had let them have their way with that, Lou would barely get to see you, and when they found out about you dating Jinyoung...” She trailed off.

Mark froze. She'd never mentioned this before. “Did they ask you to revisit the custody agreement?”

Allison nodded stiffly. “All that bull about what kind of influences they wanted around Lou. I politely told them to off, and I thought they had. And now they're trying to use Jackson to get themselves back in, and I hate to watch it. I hate having him open his mouth with their words coming out, I just can't listen to him like that. He probably doesn't get what they're trying to do, but... I don't know. I don't know how to handle it right now. I want it to work so much. I want it more than anything, and it scares me to death that it could all fall right out of my hands again. I just...” She covered her face with her hands, hiding her tears. “I love him so much, and if it doesn't work, I don't know what I'll even have anymore. I don't want to fall in love anymore. This is it. This is it.”

Mark patted her on the back gently and passed her the tea. She nodded wordlessly and took a sip, trying to blink away her tears.

“I'm sorry,” she said in a choked voice once she'd collected herself for a moment. “You're probably one of the last people I should have gone to with this. Being an ex-husband is probably a conflict of interest, and you probably don't think you should tell me what to do. But it's weird. I tried to think of a friend's place I could go to and who even was my best friend anymore, and you were the first person I thought of. Silly, isn't it?”

Mark shook his head. “Honestly, I don't think I have a best friend anymore, either. You're the person I'm closest to who I'm not dating, so I may have done the same thing if I were you. But even if I were your legit best friend, I still wouldn't tell you what to do. This is something you and Jackson and even your parents need to work out for yourselves.”

“Great. Hysterical me in her gym gear looking like a grape with a bad hair-do has to be a responsible adult.” She sighed. “Can we go outside on the stoop for a bit?”

“It's kind of cold out.”

“I need some air.”

“Suit yourself.” Mark went to the closet to grab his coat and threw it on. Allison led the way outside, still holding onto her tea cup. They both settled onto the stoop, mostly obscured from anyone driving down the street by the lack of a proper street light near Mark's apartment.

“I will say one thing,” Mark said as Allison continued to drink her comfort tea. “I don't think Jackson said that you should let your parents have their way because he wants them to like him.”

“Yeah?”

“I know this one from experience. He's probably realizing that the more you resist, the more they in, and the more they in, the more hurt you end up. He's probably thinking of cutting the damages without realizing this will only encourage them to do it more in the future.”

“That's how it was for you, huh?”

“Wasn't my advice just for you to hand over all the planning to them, and we would just show up without having a thing to do with it?”

Allison smiled sardonically. “Right. That was you. If it all went to hell in a handbasket, at least it wouldn't be our fault.”

“I just think,” Mark said, “that if you really thought Jackson was enough of a doormat to be run over by your parents for the rest of your lives, you wouldn't have been able to date him for the past few years. So I don't think you think that. I think you're just worried that you'll be the one who will crack if they keep putting pressure on you to have a perfect married life this time. But you love him so much that you'll always regret not following through with it if you bow out now. I know he loves you. If you have to go against them in the future about Lou or custody or anything like that, I'll know he'll choose you in a heartbeat over them, even if he winds up hated by them for it.”

Allison stared at him, falling open a little. “I'll always regret not following through with it, huh?” Slowly, the corners of her lips went up in a small smile. “That brings back memories.”

“Of what?”

“Of what was on my mind right before I proposed to you. I thought you know what, if I leave it up to him, he'll probably drag his feet, and we'll still be only dating even when we're forty. I should either break up with him since he's so bad at committing, or ask him to marry me myself. I thought it out for a long time, and that's what I ended up telling myself. That if I didn't ask you, I'd always regret not doing it. And you know what? I think I really would have.”

“Really?”

“Of course. Because I loved you. Regardless of what happened after, I just couldn't let myself end it there.” She leaned her head against his shoulder for a moment. “I don't think I ever say this enough, because I don't think you have any idea. But I never regretted proposing to you. I never regretted meeting you. Ever. Even when I had to go through the painful process of realizing it may have run its course, I didn't regret it. Because I loved you, and even if it hurt sometimes, I still couldn't figure out how to regret it.”

Mark nodded, swallowing back the lump in his throat. “I didn't regret it either. I just wished I'd opened my eyes to how I made you feel.”

“I know. And that's why I know it will be different for you and Jinyoung. And also why I know it will different for me and Jackson.” She got to her feet. “Because I love him, and I know I'll never regret falling in love with him. The only thing I'll regret is giving up. So I won't. I'll go back and apologize. Even if I have to get married next year and wear that hideous dress, I'll do it. Because none of those parts matter as much as the being in love part.”

Mark nodded, smiling. “Something tells me Jackson won't want to just go through with your parents' plans now that he's seen your reaction. He's probably going to ask you to elope when you get back.”

“I'll have ask him to cool his heels, at least for today. There's already been too much drama for one night.” She set her cup down beside Mark. “Thank you for listening. You know, by ex-husband standards, you're probably the best ever. If I can ever repay the favor...”

“I know who to call. Goodnight, Allie.”

“Goodnight, Mark.”

Mark remained on the stoop after she left, looking up at the stars. His heart felt strangely light. He'd always carried the burden of destroying her happiness around with him, but maybe he hadn't destroyed it. And if he had, maybe now at last he'd done something to settle the debt. At the very least, she'd found it in her to be at peace with her memories.

He heard a sound coming from near him and looked up to see Jinyoung standing there. It was dark, so it was hard to get a close look at him. He climbed up onto the stoop, bending down to pick up Allison's tea cup. He held it in his hands for a moment before sitting down next to Mark in the spot Allison had recently vacated.

He was quiet for a moment, and when he finally opened his mouth, his voice was somehow different. “Why was she here?” he asked.

“She had a fight with Jackson.”

“Over...?”

“The wedding. Her parents are trying to wreck things again.”

“And? Did they?”

“I doubt it. They got them both to lose their heads long enough to tick each other off temporarily, but I don't think there will be any long term damage. She just needed to collect her thoughts.”

“With you? Her ex-husband?”

“I don't think she has anyone else right now. She's been so busy juggling Lou and her job that she hasn't been focusing on keeping up her friendships. I've kind of fallen into the best friend role. You know, adult relationships can get kind of weird in circumstances like ours.”

The tea cup clattered against its saucer a little in Jinyoung's hands. “No,” he said. “I don't know. Because in your eyes, we don't have an adult relationship, do we?”

His voice had gotten so upset out of the blue that Mark didn't know what to say to him at first. He just stared, trying to make out Jinyoung's features in the moonlight. What had brought this on? They hadn't been arguing with each other recently, and everything had been going well considering the stress Jinyoung was still under. What was wrong?

“I'm still in college,” Jinyoung continued. “My biggest life concern is that a teacher is bullying me, and that I may have to rely on my boyfriend to pay my way through life for the next few years if I can't get a good salary. I've never even owned my own apartment, much less thought about having to upgrade or consider what's best for raising a growing child. You're my first relationship. I don't know anything about exes who are always going to be a part of my life and who will mean different things to me as time goes on, because I don't actually have one. So no, I don't know what that kind of an adult relationship is like, because I'm just pitifully clawing my way into adulthood right now, and almost every day I'm reminded of just how far behind you I actually am, and I really, really hate it.”

Mark stared at him, mouth hanging open. From how Jinyoung spit the words out, Mark couldn't help but realize that he had been thinking them for awhile now. He'd been thinking all of these negative things, and he hadn't said them out loud until now.

“Jinyoung,” he said, “you know I don't think of you like-”

“You don't think you think of me like that, but you do,” Jinyoung said fiercely. “You worry so much about me telling you things, but you don't even bother to tell me about things like you getting a raise at work or that you're really thinking more about Allison's wedding than you're letting on. And look at me, I'm not even half as mature as Allison was when she proposed to you. I can't even do the one thing I've been working for my whole life...and you... you just tell me it's okay, that it doesn't change anything for you, but I just can't stop thinking that this thing that's a drop in the bucket to you is this crazy big important thing to me, and no matter what happens, you're just going to end up taking care of me. And here am I running around like an idiot, trying to bend over backwards to please that crazy teacher so I don't have to be taken care of by you or anyone. What do you think all of this was for? I wanted to graduate and become a proper partner for you, someone who could help you pay the rent and contribute to Lou's school costs, someone who can pay you back for all the times you've treated me and made sure I wasn't just eating cafeteria food and ramen on my university budget. But even if I did somehow manage to pull a well paying job out of thin air, you don't even see me as the kind of equal as I want to you to see me. You just see who a twenty-three-year-old who hasn't gone through all the rough things you have like getting married and divorced and raising a kid you don't have full custody over who's going to get a new step-father. And you're right. I haven't done any of that. But if I did have an ex who I spent a lot of time with by necessity, I wouldn't go around making you feel like I was still in love with them right at the moment when you thought we were getting serious!”

Mark drew back as if he'd been slapped. “Allison? You seriously think that just because I still care about what happens in her life considering that she's, I don't know, the mother of my son, that means I'm still in love with her? You really think I'm the kind of person who would do that to you? Or Jackson, for that matter? And you were always the one who was happy that we were such good friends and that we were raising Lou peacefully, and now that I'm trying to be that friend to her and help her on an issue that also effects Lou, you've changed your mind? I don't know how many times I have to tell you, but how it is with you isn't like how it was with her. Wasn't that the first thing I told you when I told you I loved you? I don't know about you, but I kind of remember you told me that made you the happiest you'd ever been, back when I said it.”

“You can say that as much as you want, and maybe your body agrees with you when it comes to kissing and , but when it comes to things like mutual respect and comfort and understanding of each other, don't you think you have much more of it with her than you've ever had with me? You always take her seriously. And even if you give her a shoulder to cry on, you'd never coddle her like you do with me.”

“At what point have I not been taking you seriously?” Mark yelled. “Jinyoung, the whole point of asking you to trust me more was because I take this relationship seriously. Of course I care if you don't get the job you want! Just because I'm not going to dump you if you get the tiest placement with the tiest salary doesn't mean I don't care or that I'll lord any financial support I give over you. Did you ever think that maybe you're the one who has changed his mind about wanting an older lover?”

“What?”

“It makes as much sense to me as me being in love with Allison and looking down on you apparently makes sense to you. Maybe you don't want someone with experience or baggage or a ing ex-wife or a job, after all. Maybe you just want someone your own age who is also struggling and won't make you feel bad about yourself for being at uncertain time in your life. If that's how you feel, then fine. Better to let me know now. But don't you dare try to turn this into a situation where I'm the one who isn't in love with you and doesn't want you in my life.” Mark bit his lip furiously. “I listened to you tell me two years ago that you were happy Allison chased me down and asked me out, because she was the reason the two of us met. Aren't I the one being turned into an idiot by you, if that was all just a lie you were going to throw away when it got too inconvenient for you?”

This time, Jinyoung was the one who looked as if he'd been slapped. “M-Mark, I didn't mean-”

“If you didn't mean it, why the hell would you pretty much say it to my face just now?” Mark slammed his foot into the stoop railing, appreciating the hard vibrations if not the searing pain in his toe. “, Jinyoung. I can't just tell Allison to shove it, just like she didn't tell me to shove it when I needed advice about my feelings for you. If it were any other ex-girlfriend who I didn't need to see, I'd never speak to them again in my life if you didn't want me to, but I can't cut her out. She's Lou's mother. The fact that we don't hate each other and we know how to support each other is one of the best possible gifts I can give my son after making his future a hell of a lot more complicated by getting a divorce. You know that. The Jinyoung I knew knows that. Maybe I could do more to make you feel I really do appreciate the adult you're becoming, because there's nothing I want more than for you to do well in everything you do and be happy with the life you have. I know I can sometimes be at a loss as how to show you that, because this is still new for me too in so many ways. But don't you think you're not taking my resolve seriously either? I don't even know what to say to you right now if you don't trust me and don't trust that I love you. What do you want me to do?”

"That's exactly the problem isn't it? You think this is me not being the Jinyoung you know, but this is exactly me, this bratty, stubborn child who can't even make a case without turning it into an idiotic temper tantrum just because-” Jinyoung in his breath, throwing his head back. “Nevermind. I'll go. I'll just go. I'm not going to dig myself any deeper than this.” Without waiting for Mark to respond, he jumped off the stoop and started jogging down the street. Mark knew he should probably chase after him, but his body was shaking so badly he could barely move. He his heel and went back into his house, slamming the door behind him.

He could barely breathe. What was that? He was furious with Jinyoung for saying those things, and furious with himself for somehow making Jinyoung believe that he was that kind of person. How had it happened? Had he been looking down on Jinyoung without even knowing it? Had he been acting in love with Allison without knowing it either? Or, more likely, had the fact that he and Jinyoung had only been seeing each other on weekends where Jinyoung was emotional and Mark was uncertain of his methods of helping and jealous—yes, jealous, that's what it was—of how easily it had seemed to come to BamBam, that their emotions and uncertainty had run high and they'd terribly misunderstood each other somehow?

But even if that was the case, was their misunderstanding even able to be salvaged? A lot of things had already been damaged tonight. They'd somehow managed to hurt each other in ways they hadn't planned, and Mark didn't know if he could bounce back from realizing that Jinyoung had doubted him so much when Jinyoung's trust was the thing that had gotten Mark to change his entire life in the first place. And if Jinyoung didn't feel comfortable with his relationship with Allison anymore, what was there to be done about it? Mark could certainly back off from letting her cry to him on his apartment stoop, but he couldn't erase years worth of memories or change the fact that she was important to him. He didn't think Jinyoung would ever make him choose, but maybe jealousy had gotten the better of him. He could understand that to a certain extent, but still couldn't figure out how to make Jinyoung believe him if he'd completely questioned everything Mark had told him two years ago.

Maybe this is it, Mark thought. Maybe this is as far as we go.

He glanced over to see the spa package gift card and hotel reservation print out taunting him from the counter. He picked them up and weighed them in his hands. Several months of ferocious planning all boiled down to two thin sheets of paper. He could send them through the paper shredder. He could set them on fire. He could toss them out the window and let the wind take them to a couple lucky enough not to have fought to the point where breaking up was a massive elephant in the room they couldn't avoid looking at.

He thought about breaking up. Maybe Jinyoung didn't love him as much as he thought. But in spite of his anger, he didn't feel in any way cured of his love for Jinyoung. Then again, if Jinyoung didn't really love him back to the point of really trusting him, did it even matter? Shouldn't he just cut his losses and run instead of stretching it out and hurting himself and worse, hurting Lou who had come to love Jinyoung so much?

Mark stared down at the papers in his hands. The paper shredder was right there.

But he couldn't do it.

I love him, he thought. I love him even though he thinks I'm some kind of jerk who can't get over his ex-wife and apparently gets off on being a sugar daddy to poor college students. If I end it now, being this in love with him still, I'll always regret it.

He believed in Jinyoung still. Maybe Jinyoung had been consumed by jealousy, exhaustion, stress, and self-loathing in a single moment, but Mark knew that wasn't who he was in the deeper part of his heart. That was a Jinyoung who wasn't as strong as his defenses and couldn't let them fall. It was a Jinyoung who needed to be reminded that the most liberating moment in life was the one where you let go.

He would take that one more chance to remind him, if Jinyoung let him. If it all went up in flames, at least he would have tried.

Mark grabbed his phone and pulled up Jinyoung's number

I don't want to break up, he wrote.

I'm mad at you. I may have even broke my toe kicking that damn railing, but you just pissed me off so much right now that I can barely see straight.

But it seems like I still love you and don't want to break up, so who's the pitiful one now?

You're still free to break up with me if you really believe you're not the most important, most precious, most adult love I've ever experienced in my life, but if a single part of you wants to run screaming from even having to think about it, could you at least come to see me for a little bit tomorrow?

I had this really big date planned. I'm going to really regret not taking you out on it after looking forward to it for so long.

12:00 PM at my apartment tomorrow. I'll be waiting.