Chapter 14: Trouvaille

trouvaille: (n.) a lucky find; valuable discovery

The streams flow clear as next to him is a small girl that tells him how she sees the world – how every animal and plant should be treated fairly. How beautiful the flowers really are and how she wishes she could write a poem to romanticize them a bit more. My sister – she’s my sister. She smiled at him and tugged his hand on the way to the swings, squealing with delight and demanding to be pushed higher. Jihoon wanted to break down but he couldn’t move; all he could was stare at her, like that time. She was always generous and free with laughter and embraces; she was the sweetest girl. She has always been a giver, warm and loving. Even as a child, she never cried, only ever wanting to make other people happy. Why am I seeing this?

When Jihoon lost all his strength, she spoke in the faintest voice Jihoon could ever hear, “Brother, I love you.”

Jihoon wanted to respond but there were no sounds coming from his throat. All he could urge out were pants and sobs of desperation. His chest rose and fell rhythmically in accordance with slow, shallow breaths. He wanted to hug her, touch her, anything at all...but there was nothing. His hands were shaking and his voice quivered. Tears fell. In the dream, the sky is blue and the birds are chattering. In his heart, there was a hole. And there were no songs sung.

With his rapid eye movement, Jihoon finally awoke, his dream as vivid as every other show he watched on a TV. His heart thumped fiercely, forcing out few groans to escape from his möuth. He sat at the far edge of his bed, with no strength to move. His fingers shook as he ran it restlessly through his messy bedhair. With the eyes that could not shed a tear anymore, he glanced at the door and hung his head. He forced himself to stand; feet dragging him down. He creaked the door open and coughed loud enough to echo through the halls. Mingyu was seen sleeping soundlessly on the couch with cluttered packages of chips and soda cans sprawled all over the floor. Jihoon went into the bathroom for a quick shower and brushed his teeth.           

When he was done, he skimmed through the time and whistled a tune. 6:03 am. Too early for a jog, not too early for coffee. He slumped down on his shoulders and wrapped himself in a trenchcoat. He left a note behind and clìcked the door open with Mingyu’s house keys.

He yawned and opened his mouth in the most undesirable way ever then enlarged his eyes in shock when a familiar man approached him. He swiftly accumulated his composure back and fixed his overall appearance.

Jihoon blurted, “ – you surprised me. What the hell are you doing here?”

“I mean, don’t I have the right to see my Jihoon?” Seungcheol rejoiced, discreetly hiding something behind his back which Jihoon rapidly picked up on.

“No, you don’t have any right since you didn’t come home,” Jihoon nagged, lightly tapping Seungcheol’s nose bridge in a teasing manner. Jihoon looked down, suddenly acting all flustered, “The world was too quiet without you.”

Seungcheol chuckled at his cuteness and reached out for something behind his back, “You missed me that much? Well...as an apology, princess...this time, my mom won’t take it away from you.” He pulled out a bouquet filled with sweet avalanche roses and phlox together with a coffee cup, ing them into the smaller male’s arms.

“Stop treating me as if I'm a real princess, I'm a king...but thank you,” Jihoon pulled the flowers and coffee close to his chest and observed every lilac-colored petal. He scrunched his nose when the scent reached his nostrils, reminding him so much of his sister’s love for flowers, specifically roses.

Seungcheol noticed the sudden change of expression and carefully grabbed the sides of Jihoon’s shoulders to make him look up, “You don’t like it?”

“I love it...it just made me remember something, if that makes sense,” Jihoon muttered then met the taller male’s gaze, “How did you know I was going out this morning?”

Seungcheol shrugged his shoulders and cackled, “Don’t know, I was just waiting. Destiny, maybe?”

“As if,” Jihoon rolled his eyes but his smile fell slowly as he examined the flowers once more.

That’s when Seungcheol became concerned, he’s certain that Jihoon’s not bothered by the flowers but something more, “Why the long face?”

Jihoon met his eyes and realized that he abruptly became an open book ever since Seungcheol entered his life. Jihoon asked softly, avoiding the other’s question, “Mind if you do me a favor?”

Seungcheol shook his head in protest and motioned Jihoon to go on, “I had a dream just this morning...about my sister.”

“Was it...bad? Are you okay?”

“I’m alright...it’s just...” He trailed off and stammered, “I was playing with her, back in the old days. She was smiling and I was...I was crying.”

Shivers run down Jihoon’s spine as he quaked, “I never visited my sister’s grave because I was frightened but now...I-I...I think I can finally do it...with your help.”

Seungcheol comforted and gave him a stern look, “Are you sure about this?”  

“...yes”

Jihoon watched as Seungcheol started the engine with a push of a button, with his ankles crossed and knees leaning against the center console. Seungcheol started steering the wheel, driving away from Mingyu’s house slowly. When he noticed Jihoon fidgeting his fingers, Seungcheol slipped a hand in Jihoon’s inner thigh and moved it circularly to soothe the anxious boy. As the car sneer the lone roadways, Jihoon basked the bellowing winds that whistled in his ears through the open windows, twirling his light-colored hair. They passed by a familiar narrow alleyway between buildings that made Jihoon’s heart shrink in grief and nostalgia. His thoughts blew away when he felt a hand snäked to squeeze his in an effort to relieve his longing. That’s where she died – I could’ve saved her. He remembered every scene that happened but he would rather not entertain it.

With one last signal from Jihoon, Seungcheol shifted the car in a passageway towards the cemetery. Jihoon finally looked ahead, completely aware of the road this time. He wanted to withdraw now but he's not in the mood for giving up – all he could ever hope for is that this won’t trigger another attack. He wants to prove to himself that he can do it. Especially on a good day like this; the sun is smiling at them and the sparrows are lilting, almost mockingly.

Soon enough the car stopped. Jihoon heard Seungcheol walk out first, the slamming noise of the door shutting brought a chill to run down his spine. Seungcheol momentarily paused to search for any hesitation apparent in Jihoon’s face but when he soon found out the said boy was determined, he slowly opened the door for him. Jihoon inhaled deeply and as soon as the breeze hit his skin, he felt his stomach whirl and breath hitch. Seungcheol slightly leaned towards him and crooned, “You don’t have to do this if you’re not yet ready.”

Jihoon caught the other’s eyes’ gaze and exhaled strongly, “This is hard...but I'm ready.” He can’t lie, he’s scared. A part of him wants to back out and escape somewhere else. But like everyone said, he can’t let the loneliness linger for long or else it would eat away at him.

Seungcheol interlocked his fingers with his before inviting Jihoon out of the car. “I’m here for you,” Seungcheol consoles before leaning in to kiss Jihoon’s knuckles repeatedly.

“I...I know.”

As they walk hand in hand, the other mourners were a little more distant from them. The cemetery should be filled with eerie chills, strolling amongst memorial monuments of decaying people erected over their burial places. But the air is fragrant with fresh greens; the morning light under a cloudy sky and the flowers that creep over the spring ground. The smell of spring. Walking here feels more like the park on a Saturday morning. But this was the cemetery.

Jihoon took baby steps after steps, gulping down when his eyes peered for a name he didn’t even try saying for years. His gaze fell from tomb to tomb, until that moment time stopped for him, undoing him completely. The golden sunlight illuminated a familiar name in a silver tombstone; every letter taunting his very being. With one last reassuring smile from Seungcheol, Jihoon gently pulled his hand away from his and crouched near the gravestone. He can recall the details of that day better than any of his birthdays and holidays, clearer in his mind than even yesterday.

Jihoon reached and run his fingers over the engraved lettering of his sister’s name. The gravestone was as white as the crystalline moonlight; it seems to have an aura around it. Somehow, the feel of the marble on his skin brought him some serenity. He bit his lower lip to prevent tears as the numbness pounding of his heart rang across his whole body. He mumbled in between croaks, “She loved writing, I never knew why. But when I lost her...I finally understood.”

Seungcheol placed a calming hand in Jihoon’s lower back before speaking, “I bet she was amazing.”

“Oh yes, she was, you’d like her...she was so stubborn. She reminds me so much of you,” Jihoon chuckled then felt tears began to well up and spill from his distraught eyes onto his sister’s final resting place. His knees sunk into the drenched land as his legs wobbled horribly. When Seungcheol realized, he immediately pulled the sobbing boy near his chest and repeatedly kissed the top of his head.

As Seungcheol’s arms engulf him completely, Jihoon collapsed helplessly and closed his eyes shut to let the tears flow freely in his cheeks. He barely spoke in a whisper, “I miss her...” After this, Jihoon will set himself free. 

“She must be so proud of you,” Seungcheol spoke in a lighthearted tone.

Jihoon sadly smiled and slowly nodded, “I hope.”

“Why don’t you give her the bouquet?” Seungcheol suggested with an adorable smirk plastered on his face.

“You won’t mind?”

“No, not at all, I can always buy another one,” Seungcheol winked while flashing a grin. He shoved the bouquet to the shorter male’s hands and pulled away to give him space.

Jihoon reluctantly met his eyes and sighed in ease. He gently placed the flowers next to his sister’s monument and dried his tears. He mumbled under his breath, “Sorry if I kept you waiting...” He touched the stone in an endearing manner and smiled to himself.

He looked up at Seungcheol who was looking somewhere else and suddenly felt a gush of relief and release came over him. When Jihoon spoke, Seungcheol’s attention came back to him, “Weather’s beautiful today.” Jihoon stood up so suddenly, making Seungcheol momentarily question him, as if he didn’t break down earlier.

Seungcheol shrugged the thought off and slipped his hand with Jihoon’s once again, “Yeah, like my Jihoon.” They walked away – went ahead along a sidewalk at a steady pace, minds focused on the quiet footsteps that seemed to radiate a faint echo throughout the bright street. At this moment, all they could feel is each other’s presence and how much their company complements. It was a sense of affinity – of love. Of something falling apart only to fall back together.

“I love you,” Seungcheol unexpectedly beamed with a pleasant smile across his lips, staring deeply into Jihoon’s eyes.

“I am romantically attracted to you, as well,” Jihoon giggled jokingly when he saw how Seungcheol frowned for a second. Poor Seungcheol, I promise I’ll say it someday. Something