Chapter 10: Velleity

velleity: (n.) a weak wish

[start of school break]

Time is really running out, as if it was being chased. After their short break (7 days) comes IC17’s main event, the school will end then they’ll graduate and go to college. He suddenly felt as if he took everything for granted, for once. Because this is the only High School year that actually gave him so much to remember. He recalled that before he met Seungcheol, the only thing that he called an unforgettable experience was when a student fell from a staircase. He’s thankful that Seungcheol came in his life. But he still can’t digest the fact that exams passed by so quickly, much too quickly to his taste. He recalled everything that happened during the examination week, they were rather funny and fascinating. He tutored Seungcheol most of his days but the man still stayed his stupid self during the exams so Soonyoung offered to help. Not help, cheat. Jihoon never supported an idea that involves cheating but like what they all said, he should try and live for once. And he didn’t realize he was just plainly existing until now that he actually got to live. But nonetheless the trouble, Seungcheol refused to cheat because of his big ego. Instead, he asked the should’ve beens and what ifs. Jihoon might be thinking that he’s molding a possible nerd out of the man. Better than being a troublesome delinquent, right? In the end, they all worked hard and that’s what matters. 

Yesterday, the exam results were unleashed together with the Honorable Rank List. And it was to be expected that Jihoon is indeed the highest-ranked pupil, there was nothing to say and think about that. But what caught everyone by surprise is that someone like Seungcheol made it to the top 15 with the average of 93.6%. Shamelessly, Jihoon remembered squealing like a proud boyfriend – um, tutor. He also remembered repeatedly hitting a student nearby in the shoulder while exclaiming that Seungcheol, his best friend, is in fact there and that he’s proud enough to die happily. He also remembered dialing Seungcheol’s number without being aware that the dialed man is right behind him. He remembered shrieking like a middle school girl and pulling Seungcheol close into his arms. He remembered crying so much because he’s just so happy for Seungcheol. He remembered people chattering about them but he didn’t give a single damn. He also remembered crying for a different reason, perhaps because the school is almost ending and he may be unable to be with Seungcheol like he used to.

Those are the few things he remembered right now, at this party. The party that Seungcheol mentioned a lot of times to him is now being held in this monstrous palace-like place. Crowded with different popular cliques inside and outside their school; the jocks, the cheerleaders, the mean girls and even the average-looking people were there. It was typical. The music was as loud as thunder that it made his skin tingle and the cutlery on the tabletops rattle. The bass thumped in time as it filled the couples to dance wildly and sensually. The dimly lit chandeliers were replaced with party lights flashing neon everywhere. The atmosphere smells of liquor, cigarettes, and . The usually so empty interior was replaced; strangers making out in random places, stoners buffs thick, suffocating smoke and juniors breaking expensive glassware. Jihoon couldn’t make out any words but over the roar of music, distant bickers and laughter could be heard. It was what he imagined his constant hell would be. The real star is the food, and he’s right beside it where there are fewer people. Tables laden with delicacies line the walls. Everything he can possibly think of, and things he never dreamt of, lie in wait but unfortunately tonight, his appetite had dwindled to nothing. The celebration went into the night and was a riot of color, everyone’s really hyped and dancing like they forgot how to stand still. A student from another school started a polite conversation with him. She also insisted on giving him booze but since he’s incredibly a lightweight, he gently declined. Her face was an adorable picture of purity and innocence. She wasn’t flirting, Jihoon’s aware of that, but there’s a strange air about her when he shoved him her number. As if she wanted to say something to him, there’s a sense of familiarity that he gets just by staring at her. But actually, he’d rather leave.

“Jihoon!” He heard a familiar far cry resounding among the excessive noise. He silently gave his gratitude to the gods because he can finally have an excuse to leave this lady alone.

Jihoon could feel their feet disturbing the ground that surrounds him. Without even looking, he can tell that their smiles extended towards him, attempting to turn his face from whatever he was focused on. Their bodies moved together like spaghetti noodles that eased Jihoon’s heart. A familiar man pulled Jihoon closer towards him, making him kick him hand away. 

Jihoon cheekily grinned and approached Seokmin and Seungkwan after leaving the girl behind, “Damn, that was an awkward conversation. Glad to leave it, thank you, my saviors.”

Seungkwan patted his back and went to soothe him with circular motions, “Sure happy to help. Just so you’re wondering, Soonyoung didn’t come because... well, you know, parental issues.”

“Woah, they’re really strict, aren’t they? Poor him,” Jihoon responded with a pitying look.

“Nah, it’s just that, it’s Seungcheol’s party we’re talking about here. Anyways, what happened to you? You haven’t talked to us in a week,” Seungkwan pushed him lightly to emphasize what they’re missing.

Jihoon rolled his eyes out of habit and replied with a bright smile, “I mean, it is the examination week, so you’d expect me to be drowning in my books because I’m such a glorious nerd.”

Seokmin intervened and had a teasing look in his face, “That’s great but how’s you and your lover boy? Did you do what we said?”

Suddenly, Jihoon’s face flushed furiously and he averted the gazes quickly. He gulped away the forming lump in his throat while gazing at his feet and mumbled a reluctant yeah. The other two looked at each other and back at Jihoon questioningly, expecting stories to be told and answers to be said but instead, they decided they’d let Jihoon say what he only wants to say. They just stared and stared until Jihoon got tired of it. “A week ago, we kissed and I realized a few things, that’s all...”

Seokmin cautiously tried opening his mouth to search for the right words but since Jihoon noticed his actions, he continued the storytelling, “You guys were right, I do have those kind of feelings for him. But sadly, I don’t want any of it.”

Seokmin stole a glance from Seungkwan before prodding him to lighten up the gloomy mood. Seungkwan sharply sighed before putting an arm around Jihoon lovingly and encouraged, “We’re sorry, Jihoon. It’s a party today. Let’s go have fun, alright?”

“Yeah, we’ll be right here to make our Jihoon smile again!” Seokmin motivated with open arms. Jihoon gave both of them a forced smile following a bitter laugh before nodding curtly. He allowed the two to drag him away to a huddled crowd cheering.

Suffering. That’s how other people would describe it although experiencing it now, it feels otherwise. No more tears would come no matter how much he wanted to shed a tear.  It reminds him so much of the bitter onslaught of Winter; dry, numbing cold and painful. As if his body heat was drained away, abandoning him into violently shivers and gritted teeth. He could’ve gone with anyone who gives him warmth as long as they can take the heartbreak away. The image of Seungcheol’s face that was once the reason of his happiness just echoed through his ears.

He remembers a lot. But the kiss was the one that he purposely forgot because whenever he thinks about it, regrets overflowed. It wasn’t the kiss itself that he regretted, it was the impact it left. The aftermath. After the kiss that one night, exactly one week ago, Seungcheol never dropped a remark or even cared enough to mention it. Maybe because he’s used to it, maybe because he thinks nothing special of it. Jihoon’s so sure of it that it’s not even a maybe anymore. Seungcheol went on normally for days and Jihoon was the only one who lamented; he couldn’t concentrate much on lecturing him without the scene replaying and repeating all over his mind. Later on, for so many nights of overthinking, he finally became aware that Seungcheol is subtly forming a distance between them. Maybe because Seungcheol already found out about my feelings. Jihoon isn’t stupid, he notices everything including the slightest change and reason. Honestly, that’s one of the traits he wanted to erase from himself. He wants to be blind to everything but unfortunately, his eyes are clear enough to see what can and cannot be. He never knew that it hurts this much to get discreetly rejected by someone he can say that he holds so dear. He was ready to pour his whole heart to Seungcheol, even for just an exchange of a piece. Right now, he just wanted to accept living with the heart-wrenching fact that friendship is the only thing that Seungcheol can offer. Maybe he liked him in a way but never the same as Jihoon. Isn’t that strange? Not being sure of someone’s feelings. But that’s always been the scenario between them. Full of uncertainty and maybes.

After seeing Seungkwan and Seokmin considerably tipsy and assuming that everyone else was too, Jihoon disappeared to the blues and took a sip from his