Chapter 11: Skinny Love

skinny love: [adj.][subjective] when two people can't say they love each other but still show it 

 “Everything I said last night... forget it.”

Mixed feelings. No one can tell that he’s lonely because it’s under the surface and muddled with anger. Lonely brings him down and anger raises him up, so in that odd combination, he can’t focus on the task at hand. He wants to hit something, anyone... maybe Seungcheol. Maybe himself. He can’t bring himself to meet Seungcheol’s eyes because he doesn’t know what his own reaction will be when he does. Will he cry? Will he scream?

The only words that he uttered were, “...Is that how easy it is for you?”

“No,” Seungcheol simply replied and continued, “So don’t make this any harder for me.”

Jihoon felt his eyes snap up at the sudden flare of his chest but practiced his self-control so he summed everything up in a firm gaze. “I make it harder? So ironic when you’re the one who literally drags me to everything.”

“Let’s not talk about this any further. And forget.”

“You say that as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. I almost believed every word you said. Because it sounded so real.”

“You already know that love is impossible for me, right?”

“No, because I thought you could change. I guessed wrong.”  That was the last straw, Jihoon got up and walked out. It felt so dramatic as if they were shooting a movie. But this is reality; there were no cameras, no lightings, and no mics. This is reality and there’s no such thing as a happy ending.

Jihoon woke up from his light daze when he felt his phone vibrate in one of his pockets. He glared at nothing before finally turning his attention to the irritated device and swiped the messages away. Seungcheol is bombarding his phone when he’s the reason why Jihoon’s out here, all by himself, near an abandoned warehouse in the first place. Well, it’s not like Jihoon had anywhere to go, knowing that his house is already Seungcheol’s property ever since he started living in his. So one way or another, it’s either he’ll go homeless or will have no choice to come back to the said man.

Right now, everything is overdramatic, even him. His hands gripped the alcoholic bottle in his hands as he took sip after sip, even if he’s aware he might collapse later on. His mouth was sore from the amount of alcohol he pours down his throat and as his breath entered his nostrils, it reminded him of the way Seungcheol smelt that night. He tilted his head and staggered towards a hollowed space, just to slump down on the cold, hard floor in an unbalanced attempt. He took a long chug of the dark substance so it could take more effects as his stomach heave in a sickly way.

Small pellets of water spit on his arms that took his attention; he managed to lift his head up just a bit only to see that it was raining. Now, this got more dramatic. But it is real life, and perhaps nothing will happen in reality. And what happens in movies, should only stay in movies. He pulled his black hood over in efforts of covering himself, even if he knows it’ll be futile. Scattered puddles decorated the asphalt that made him reminisce the same day that he lost his sister and in the future, he may remember this rainy weather as the day he lost Seungcheol too. Or not, he doesn’t know anything yet. The rain froze and paled his skin on contact and the path through Seungcheol’s house is muddy water in motion. The downpour soon became heavy and the trees offered no shelter; this day had been simply dark and overcast. Maybe rain is the sign that winter will soon perish and be replaced. He took one last gulp from the bottle and let it fall gently next to him; he let his eyes fall shut and let his senses feel all his remorse and distress.

Then suddenly, he noticed that the rain stopped. But it was only in his place, as if something covered him. He opened his eyes and looked up – Ah, ah what?

In a drunken manner, he exclaimed, “Wow, what a great illusion!” A slightly soaked Seungcheol is standing near Jihoon with an umbrella stretched out and a bouquet on the other hand.

Seungcheol narrowed his eyes, “I’m not an illusion.”

Jihoon chuckled with half-lidded eyes and mocked him, “Can’t believe you’re still a liar!”

Seungcheol heavily sighed in defeat and sat beside Jihoon, still holding out the umbrella to protect them both. He took Jihoon’s small trembling hand in his and raised it up to his chest to let him feel his thumping heartbeat, “I’m real.”

Jihoon widened his eyes in surprise and was taken aback. He blinked for a few times to confirm it and it felt as if he was suddenly sober. He felt tears mingle on his face but it’s unapparent due to the salty tracks blending into the sky-fallen trickles. But the pinkness of his eyes gave a clue to his sadness, “How did you find me?”

“With patience and effort. It took me almost an hour to do so, I was worried,” Seungcheol remarked with a small smile.

Jihoon eyed him sadly and slipped his hand away, bringing his knees closer to his body, “As if you really care.”

“I think I do. I bought you flowers along the way, they reminded me of you.”

“For what? Apology? You can just simply say I’m sorry. Is it that hard?” Jihoon retorted with a slightly hardened tone, just to contrast his lonely feeling.

“Yes. Just as hard for you to say I love you.”

“That’s different. I call them the three-word curse. At least I admit that I’m scared of it... besides, something as intimate as that shouldn’t be dropped so easily,” Jihoon shaded, just to give a hint to Seungcheol that he is, in fact, still upset about what happened. His heart leaped up when he felt fingers entangling with his freezing left hand once more. He wanted to protest but when he met the other’s gentle eyes, he paved the way.

Seungcheol brought Jihoon’s hand up and planted soft, gentle kisses here and there. It made his heart flutter and soften at the mere contact, making him desire to come back in Seungcheol’s arms again. Seungcheol mumbled breathlessly in Jihoon’s hand, “Come home with me.”

Although Jihoon knows he can’t resist, he still tried, “I’m still angry at you.”

Seungcheol brought his hand down but still held it firmly. He stared at nowhere and whispered audible enough for Jihoon to hear, “I can’t leave you alone, not like this.”

“I lived way before I met you, Seungcheol. We can live without one another.”

“I’d rather not. I want you with me.” That’s when Seungcheol looked at him again and repeated his words to give emphasis, “I want you with me.” Jihoon nodded in defeat and Seungcheol could only give him his usual grin. The taller male offered his hand to get him on his feet but he felt weak and feeble. Probably the alcohol starting to attack him again.

Jihoon hiccuped then sneezed out of nowhere which made Seungcheol lose his train of thoughts, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine!” Jihoon exclaimed, aggressively kicking the bottle away but Seungcheol already had it in his hands.

“That explains your odd behavior. Why were you drinking? Didn't you say you're lightweight?”

Jihoon’s blood rushed to his cheeks and reddened, trying to keep his balance. He muttered, “Just to see if you’d save me like one of those movies if I get pissed drunk.”

“You’re lucky I did.” Seungcheol wrapped him in a warm embrace of his broad chest and arms. Jihoon felt like all the pain caused by him went away – he didn’t want to leave. This is where he wants to belong. In that moment, the arms squeezed a centimeter tighter and Jihoon melted, breathing more slowly as every muscle lost its tension. The feel of his body so close reassured him that this is life; real life. This isn’t the movies. He is here and there is nothing romantic between them, but one could only hope.

Within minutes he drew away, Jihoon’s eyelashes fluttered open and gazed at a Seungcheol who was still slightly touching his arms. “I am.”

While they were walking through the sidewalk leading the way to Seungcheol’s house, their hands were unknowingly still tangled with each other while Jihoon was admiring the bouquet of flowers Seungcheol gave him. Meanwhile, Seungcheol joked that his baby brother got back with his parents and are currently in the house so they have to prepare for the worse.

Except Seungcheol was actually telling the truth.

When they reached the front gates, Jihoon’s heart dropped, “We don’t look presentable! They will judge me!”