One would’ve thought a month would be enough to sort things out. Or at least, that’s the amount of time I thought I needed but of course I was wrong. In a span of one month a lot has happened. I was stuck in a whirlpool of puzzling emotions and now, when my finals are creeping up on me, when schoolwork is more demanding than ever, I’ve learned to hollow myself out.

I emptied myself of these emotions. I’ve numbed them. You could probably start knocking on my chest and hear the echo of hollowness there. This is my coping mechanism and I’m not sure for how long I’m going to be like this. As I sit here, in the middle of the library, supposedly drowning in books, I couldn’t help but rewind to what happened a month ago.

Exactly a month from today, my downhill life has gotten much, much worse. On that day, I thought I could get back together with Sehun. On that day, I saw my dad break and had Chanyeol asking me what happens if we were no longer siblings. On that day, Baekhyun came to me and told me Nari broke up with him. He told me he loved me.

I felt beyond annoyed that they seemed to be demanding for answers right then and there, right when my brain was already such a mess and right when my emotions were too sensitive. It was just unfair. I had so much going through my head and they had only one.

It was stupid. As conceited as this would make me sound, they have let their worlds revolve around me. And what did I do about it? What else? I ran. I ran away again. I avoided them and what did they do? What else? They kept chasing after me, they kept trying to talk to me and make me hear them out.

Sehun was cornering me in school, screaming at me, angrily asking why I was being so difficult. He’d be so angry with me that he’d have tears welling up in his eyes but then so would I. And seeing that, he’d slowly soften. He would take back whatever he’s said and say he was sorry, that he was just getting desperate.

I’d look up at him, my vision of him a blur because of the tears there but I can make out the hurt in his face. My jaws would clench and I’d quickly turn around. I would say nothing and just silently walk away every time, ignoring all the looks I was getting and all the insults I was receiving.

Baekhyun would show up at my apartment late nights. I would never open up for him so he’d talk to me behind the door. He always seemed to have gifts with him. At first, he actually knocks or rings the doorbell a few times but for all the times that I didn’t open the door, he learned to stop doing that and proceeds to just sit on the ground, his back pressed against the closed door.

Then he’d just talk. He would say he understands the situation I was in. He said all he wants is to be there for me. He said I wasn’t just a replacement for Nari, if that’s what I was thinking. He said he really does have genuine feelings for me. He told me why he fell for me, why Nari wasn’t for him then he’d become silent.

“But If you really don’t like me back, tell me. I’m not going to stop unless you tell me to. I’ll continue loving you,” he’d then say. Why do I know all this? Because I take a peek at him through the peep hole, because I’m on the other side, sitting with my back against the door too. I hear the sighs, the small gasps of air and sniffling. I hear the shake of his voice.

I would wipe my own tears away and head straight to my room, regardless of him still being there or having more to say. Then in the morning, when I had almost forgotten that Baekhyun even dropped by, I see his gift on my doorstep. In some days, I step over it and leave, other days I pick it up and give to the grandmother living next door.

And when I head to school, there Sehun was, waiting for me. In the morning, he seems persistent. He fakes the jolliness, pretends like I’m not ignoring him and would talk to me like nothing has happened. In the afternoon, I could see him breaking. This is when he gets a little desperate. He’d do that cycle of angry screaming, softening and apologizing afterwards.

In the evening, it seems as though he’s given up and I really do hope he would but the cycle repeats. And when I get home, I see Chanyeol in the kitchen. It’s annoying that he gets into my apartment like it’s his own. It’s annoying how he uses that title of being my brother as an excuse to “take care of me.”

He makes it seem like I have no other choice but to welcome him there because again, he is my brother. It’s ironic really. He keeps using it to get to me yet he’s trying to get rid of it so he can have me.  I usually don’t say anything or even glance his way when he’s in my place.

I stay in my room and if he decides to get inside to “talk” to me, I move to the living room. If he follows me there then I go to the kitchen and if he really wouldn’t leave me alone, I get out. Sometimes, he waits until I get home but there are other times when I go home to an empty apartment. Of course, his cooking and a sticky note on the fridge is always there to remind that he did, indeed, try to wait for me.

Sometimes I actually listen to what he has to say, although I act like I don’t hear it. He told me that he’s helping with the divorce papers. My father and his mother has apparently talked it through. For the sake of my father’s love for his mother, he agreed to push through with it. My father let her go because he loved her too much to make her stay when she’s not happy with him anymore.

I would feel bad for my father. I would think of how much pain he must be dealing with and the hardships he’s going through but I would get pulled out of my thoughts when Chanyeol would say, “We won’t be siblings anymore by then.”

I know what comes after that so before he could say it, I leave. I really don’t want to seem presumptuous but I really feel as though he wants them to get divorced already. He’s helping them with the papers to speed it up so I’m no longer he’s sister, the only reason why I couldn’t have the same feelings for him as he does for me.

That is so selfish of him, it taints the angelic image I see in him but then again, I would never really know if that’s the real reason why he’s helping. It’s just my assumption anyway. For all I know it could have nothing to do with me. Maybe it was for his mother? To stop her from hurting? Maybe. Probably.

All of those have continued for a good two weeks. It was annoying and tiring to deal with them that way. The next week after that, I’ve decided to take on a new approached. I finally faced them and the situation I’m in. The weeks of avoiding them have come to a stop.

When I go to school and see Sehun waiting for me by my locker, I smile at him. I greet him good morning. When Chanyeol suddenly barges into my apartment to cook for me, I take his coat and messenger bag from him. I set them on the couch and actually help him out. When Baekhyun shows up later at night, I open the door this time and let him in. I accepted his gifts too.

I don’t say much, unless necessary but I do give them my attention now. I hear what they say but I’m not sure if I’m listening anymore. They were obviously surprised at my sudden shift in mood towards them. But they didn’t waste their time and just took advantage of it. It was like how it used to be. It was them trying to show off or sell themselves to me but this time, I didn’t respond the way I used to.

I’m hollow now.

I walked out of the library feeling annoyed with myself because I didn’t do any of the studying that I intended to do. I was spacing out again, thinking and thinking of things that really shouldn’t be as important as my grades right now. I heaved a deep sigh and fixed my bag on my shoulders, walking straight to the parking lot where Sehun said he’ll be waiting for me.

I heard my name being called all of a sudden so I turned to where it came from. I quickly recognized the caller as one of my group members in a case simulation assignment. “Yeah? What’s up?” I tried to say as nonchalantly as possible when she reached me. She handed me a couple of papers and did what I supposed was a pout. “Can you reencode these and print them out? The professor needs a hard copy.”

I took the poor crumble up and dirty papers with a forced smile and nod my head thinking, ‘Great! More work to do.’ She clapped her hands in glee, thanking me over and over again, saying I was an angel because nobody else wanted to do it. I only chuckled awkwardly. I can feel my phone vibrating in my pocket which would most likely mean that Sehun is looking for me now.

I opened my mouth to tell her I needed to go but the girl is a blabber mouth. She never lets me speak much, even when it was contributing ideas for the case simulation. I bit my lip and awkwardly rocked on my heels, waiting for her to tell me she had to go to class or that that was all she needed from me.

Whatever she’s talking about though, she won’t stop. just keeps moving and I’m here, nodding and not really listening. My lips pressed into a thin line. How do I get out of this? “Hey!” I heard someone drawl out. Finally! After what seemed like an eternity of her talking nonsense, someone interrupted us.

I turned my head to my savior the moment he slung his arm over my shoulders. “I don’t want to be rude but I’ll