I look at my reflection in the mirror – I’d chosen to wear a simple knit sweater and jeans and now I’m wondering if this is too casual. A quick glance at my phone tells me it’s almost 4PM. My outfit will have to do. Grabbing a small cross-body sling, I throw my essentials in before leaving for Seolmi’s house.

 

The party has already started when I arrive. Wishing the birthday girl, I pass her a small gift I’d gotten thoughtlessly on the way here. Then I head straight over to the buffet table and load my plate with food before heading out to the balcony. Everyone’s inside having fun so it’s quiet out here, just the way I like it. Setting my plate atop the ledge, I start on my meal carefully.

 

“Did you come just to eat?” Namjoon asks as he plants himself beside me. He leans with his back against the edge as he watches me.

 

How did you know I was here? I want to ask but my mouth is full.

 

“Someone saw you come in,” he says suddenly. “I asked around. Eat slowly.”

 

“It’s noisy outside,” I explain myself when I swallow my food. Namjoon looks at me funny.

 

“Of course it is.”

 

Thinking for a bit, I steal a side glance at Namjoon to see that he is quite blatantly watching me. I turn to look at him full on, and his face lights up with interest and curiosity. “How have you been?” I ask eventually.

 

“Besides missing you,” he says jokingly, “America’s not so bad.”

 

He’s lying, a siren in my head sounds out. He’s forcing a smile – I know because it doesn’t reach his eyes like it usually does. But I don’t call him out. Ten years have really taken a toll on our trust for each other, it seems.

 

“I heard you did very well in school, received prestigious scholarships and all.” I heard this from my mum who was then still in contact with his mother. Apparently, they lost touch a couple of years ago but we don’t know what happened. Come to think of it, did my mum know Namjoon’s family was coming back? She wasn’t as surprised as I thought she would be when I told her Namjoon was here.

 

“You know I’m a born genius.” He winks and I roll my eyes. I pick at a sausage on my plate.

 

“Namjoon-”

 

“Sunbae!” A girl’s screechy voice interrupts me to call Namjoon out to play games. He holds up a hand to that girl and prompts me to continue.

 

I shake my head. “Go on.”

 

“You okay on your own?” He asks and I almost scoff. Haven’t I been for the past ten years? I nod and wave him off. Frowning once again, he leaves the balcony. I sigh. I blame the season for my overflowing emotions. Isn’t this what autumn is all about? Slapping myself mentally, I finish my food before excusing myself with the host and quietly slip out of the house.

 

Outside, the silent autumn wind hits my face in a chilled blast, a sky and earth difference from the warmth and life inside. I catch a bus back to my neighbourhood but not feeling like going home yet, I take a detour to my favourite park two blocks down.

 

It’s too quiet for a Saturday evening. Looking around the playground, I see only a handful of children running, playing. I sigh again. On any other day, I would relish in the peace of the park but today I happen to need the comfort of innocent laughter.

 

“Careful there!” A deep voice sounds out. Looking to the slides I see Taehyung from next door, a wide gummy smile plastered on his face as he watches a kid. He squints in my direction and as if recognising me, he waves fervently at me. I dip my head slightly in greeting and make my way over to where he’s standing atop the slide tower.

 

“Hello.”

 

“Hello, Sera.”

 

“Fancy meeting you here,” I say. “Younger brother?”

 

Taehyung follows my line of sight to the little kid he’s watching over. He shakes his head. “His mother went to get him an ice cream. I’m just watching him for a while.”

 

“Huh.” Nice person he is. Cheering from ground level brings my attention to the kid who’s now holding an ice cream, his mother beside him. They thank and greet Taehyung before turning to leave. Now, it’s just the both of us left. I steal glances between the swings and the boy beside me. Contemplating, I end up taking the slide down. Taehyung laughs.

 

“Did you wait for the kid to leave to do this?” He asks, sliding down after me.

 

“What, the slide? No.” I head for the swings and set myself down on one. Hesitantly, I kick myself off, the swing flying lowly. Taehyung takes the other swing and immediately reaches for the sky. I watch him in wonder.

 

“Aren’t you going to swing?” Taehyung shouts into the wind. On his encouragement, I use a bit more strength and fly a little bit higher. I stop on my second down swing.

 

 

“What’s wrong?” Taehyung stops playing to look at me.

 

“Nothing,” I lie. How else can I tell him the truth? “It’s just been a while since I was last on one of these.”

 

“Eh?” He stands, his expression a look of amusement. Hesitance. “Are you scared?”

 

I blink at him. “Scared? Me? Of swings? Ha!”

 

“Really?” A goofy smile creeps upon his lips.

 

“Oh? What’s with that look?”

 

“Not scared, eh,” he teases, his feet inching closer towards me.

 

I plant my feet into the sand. “What are you going to do?”

 

“Hold on tight!” Without another warning, Taehyung pushes me from the back.

 

“Ah!!” I fly into the evening sky, the clouds a deep blue and the trees a vibrant green. When I swing back down, he pushes me up again.

 

“Fun, right?” He asks and I hear the laughter in his voice. I don’t answer his question because I’m all smiles and laughter myself. The wind blows into my hair, the breeze cool on my face.

 

And for the first time in ten years, I’m beginning to think that swings aren’t really that bad after all.

 

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