Music played gently through my headphones as I sat on the floor, my legs quartering off the barely contained mess of books in front of me.

I thought of my mom absently, a lyric bringing her vaguely to mind. I hadn’t spoken to her in a while. I wondered about her pomeranian, about the empty rooms she tried to fill, about the house I didn’t belong in.

Earlier that day Jiwon had talked to me about his parents possibly visiting him, his face lighting up with excitement. And then he got quiet. I told him I didn’t mind hearing about his family but he said he couldn’t help but feel like he was bragging. My heart squeezed painfully but I laughed away the hurt.

“No, don’t be like that. I’m happy you’re so loved.” I insisted, meaning every word with a half-smile.

I carefully pulled the books out, stacking them in piles of Read, Haven’t Read, and Would Read Again. It felt like wishful thinking, a faraway dream. I always felt too guilty to read during the school year if it wasn’t something required on a syllabus.

At least in high school I could read novels, literature, but college was all textbooks and manuals and peer reviewed articles. It felt like a kind of heartbreak, so many of my first loves were written in ink. Heathcliff, Mr. Rochester, Toru Watanabe.

My phone started to vibrate on the floor next to me as the music stopped and I picked it up cautiously, popping out an earphone. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to talk to Jiwon so soon, but I knew it was my pain to deal with and not let it become something that drove us apart.

“Hello?” I answered in surprise after realizing that it wasn’t Jiwon calling.

“Are you busy now?” Jaewon asked, his voice a husky tenor over the phone. I hesitated, not sure if I should tell the truth.

“Not really.” I told him honestly. “I’m just reorganizing my room, why?”

“I want to ask that question from before.” His voice quieted, sounding as unsure as mine must have. “I was wondering if I could have one of the books.”

I peered down at the piles in front of me.

“Sure.” I tried to answer confidently, hoping it would be one I didn’t mind giving up. My hand unconsciously wandered to the Haven’t Read pile. “Which one?”

“I don’t remember the title, but I would know it if I saw it.”

“Oh.” My heart sped up.

“Do you mind if I drop by?”

“Drop by?” I looked around my room in panic. “Ah, sure.”

“Great! Just text me your address.”

He hung up and I stared at the phone, knowing immediately that I had made a huge mistake.

I stood up suddenly, my legs wobbly from having been splayed across the floor for too long. I looked at the trash on my desk, the clump of unfolded laundry on my bed. If I cleaned up my room, that meant I cared about what he thought, right?

But it would be be weirder if I didn’t tidy up, right?

I dashed around the apartment, picking up what I could and hiding whatever I couldn’t or wouldn’t bother with in my closet. I plopped back down in front of the pile of books, giving them another forlorn look. He wouldn’t want one I still wanted to read, would he?

I was startled by a knock at the door and looked through the peephole to confirm it was Jaewon.

“Your apartment is so tiny.” He remarked as I slowly opened the door.

I only laughed, sneakily hiding away a bra that been hanging by my kitchenette as soon as his back was turned.

“You can sit anywhere.” I told him sheepishly, knowing there weren’t many choices.

“I think I’ll sit in front of these giant piles of neatly stacked books in the middle of the floor.” He joked before taking a seat on the floor. I sighed gently in relief.

“My dream is to have a private library with a big comfortable high-backed leather chair I can drink my coffee in while I read.”

“And smoke a cigar by the crackling fireplace and bearskin rug?” He mocked with a crooked smile, beginning to inspect books