Rap Monster lost it. He picked up his phone, pressed on the contact information for Park Miso, and called her. He raised the phone to his mouth and let out a plethora of colorful words, not even letting Miso mention anything.

I couldn't believe what I just heard. The words of the man who had just upbraided me reverberated in my head. He was shouting insults and accusations. Horrible friend. It made me feel even more guilty than I already did. Push-over. I know I could've done something. Stop torturing us! I could've done lots of things to prevent this from happening. Why don't you tell it to our faces? That's a good idea, Namjoon...

My friend and co-worker, Eric, approached me from behind as I sat a chair in my dressing room with my phone sitting on the counter in front of me. The bright lights flashed on my face and my reflection stared back at me. And then there was Eric, reminding me of him once again. All bright and bubbly like he used to be.

But now, that's never going to happen again. It might not, anyway. It's never the same without him. And I might lose him...

"Miso? Miso? Miso?" Eric shook my shoulder.

My eyes flashed up at him.

"What did you think of today's shooting?" he asked me, grinning.
"It was fine...," I lied.
"Just fine?"

I nodded my head and he swung around to lean on my dresser with his arms crossed to further examine me.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "You've been acting kind of strange today."
"I've been getting some weird texts and phone calls," I replied.
"From who?"
"Some people from home...in Korea."

Eric was a nice guy, but he had no idea what was buzzing in my mind at the moment. He's a tall, white guy who's probably never even heard of BTS. He doesn't know anything. He's going to assume the wrong thing.

"If—" he started.
"Eric, they're not hecklers or haters, if that's what you're thinking. They're people that I knew of. It's really complicated. And I've been thinking some things through...," I said.
"Okay...and?"
"I think I'm leaving the show."

Eric froze. I could hear his breath get caught in his throat. I know that they needed me on set, but I'm not going to keep showing up to work just to play the stereotypical Asian doctor. Besides, I needed some time to think things over.

I didn't do anything else that day. I just returned home, wrote a short letter of resignation, and waited for a response from the producer. They'll be mad, angry, and furious at me—just like everyone else. 

But this time, I didn't care.

****

I couldn't help it. I didn't mean to hurt Jimin-hyung. I was mad, upset, and in pain just like everyone else. I can't live in a world knowing that Jungkook isn't here and could've been. I'm trying to put the pieces together—trying to understand why this happened—but I can't help but surrender to the feral, aggressive feelings that are growing in my gut. Everyone did something wrong to him; I probably did too. I just feel a need to seek vengeance.

Maybe it's wrong, but I can't help myself.

****

Did I really influence him that much? If so, he must've really looked up to me; really liked me. But, I don't even know how. I mean, I don't even really like me so how could he? God, and it hurt him so much! How could I have not noticed? I was so caught up in myself, just like Taehyung said. For 's sake, I'm his hyung too! Am I a bad influence?

I'm trying to think of all the times I audibly said that I thought I was fat, getting fat, or would get fat in front of Jungkook. But a better start would be trying to think of all the times that I didn't audibly say that I thought I was fat, getting fat, or would get fat in front of Jungkook.

I spend so much time with that kid. He must've heard me say that million times a month. Plus the midnight dance practices. We practice for hours on ends. I'm with him almost all the time. How could I have not stopped this from happening? I can't protect him...

****

He always told me that I made him smile. Not many of the fans know this, but Jungkook and I hang out quite a bit at the studio and at our dorm. I can't count how many times I've seen him smile. The bunny teeth and all.

We would dance together at night with Jimin. We would all goof around and dance to girl group songs and other bands'. That's when he would laugh and smile the most. We weren't in a competitive environment. We were simply having fun.

Then there were the inside jokes. Between Jin's horrible jokes, my funny dances, reactions, and jokes, and Jimin's height, we had him smiling and laughing tons. There was nothing more satisfying to me than to make someone laugh, especially Jungkook. But now I can't.

I can't make Jungkook smile because he's...asleep? I don't know what to call it. Well, at least I don't want to call it its official name. He's just not completely here. Anyone could tell me that the person lying on the hospital bed was Jungkook, but the person didn't look like Jungkook. Jungkook is tall, strong, and smiley. That person is small, fragile, and cold. 

Reading all of these journal entries surprised me. I never knew he was so unhappy... Will Kookie's smile ever be the same?

****

What am I supposed to do? The one time I actually feel motivated to do something, I can't do anything. It's beyond anyone's control. Jungkookie is out of everyone's threshold of control.

I wish I had spent more time with the kid. I've always trapped myself in my Genius Studio or in a nap. I didn't get enough time to just be with the kid. I can only think of a few personal memories with him. It was just him and me. I had treated him to lamb skewers for the first time. No one else in the band were able to eat lamb skewers except for him and me.

I can picture it now. There was no sound. No distractions. It was just him sitting in front of me, smiling, with a skewer in his hand.

Is that really one of the only memories I had with Jungkook? The only other significant one is the two of us sitting in my Genius Studio. I was showing him how to use some new music software and the plug-in keyboard. He had so much passion. He wanted to compose music like me. It was a bonding experience for both of us. Just the two of us and music.

No one else in the band did that with me. No one else in the band wanted to do that with me. Will I ever get to do that again?

****

Ever since I met Jungkook, I knew it would take a long time to get to know him. But even years after that, there was still so much I didn't know about him. Our bonding time was always in front of an audience; it wasn't candid. It was always on my VLive Eat Jin. Over time, Jungkook started to attend every one of my Eat Jin episodes.

It was so deceiving. Of course he would eat on camera. I can see through his lies. He just wanted to reassure everyone that he was eating. Who knows what he did when he returned to his own room? Not to mention that I've become laxer as he's gotten older. I let him skip more meals to practice with the other members.

I only helped him conceal his pain more. What kind of hyung am I to Jungkook? Hyungs are supposed to guide and protect their dongsaengs. They're supposed to provide a safe place for them and be the one who they can open up to. But I can't do any of that for Jungkook. I can't protect him from himself... I can't protect him... I can't protect him...

****

Being the leader, I naturally have a job to care for the members, keep everyone comfortable, and be the mediator for the band and management. And unfortunately, I believe I failed in all three of those tasks. I'm not going to make up some bull excuse to argue with reality; it happened, so all that matters is what I'm going to do now.

I can't do much right now. Everything is so up in the air. I can only hope that when I sit beside Jungkook, that his chest continues to rise and the machines continue to steadily beat.

Everyone looks up to me because I'm so smart and wise. I don't know why people always think that. Is it some strange standardized test or stereotype that I happen to do well on or fit perfectly? Everyone looks up to me for advice. And at the time where my hyungs and dongsaengs need it most, I can't provide any advice for them.

I couldn't help advise Jungkook when he really needed it...

****

I could always hear them. I could hear them every time they cried and every time they fought and every time they read an entry from my journal. I could tell what they thought of me. It makes me go dizzy with anxiety. The loving hyungs I once knew were now hating and blaming each other.

I know they just want me to wake up and be happy, but how could I possibly be happy when I wake up? I nothing to pull my happiness from. It's just me folding into myself. It's either my hyungs being happy because I lived and me being sad because I survived; or it's me being happy because I'm not in pain anymore and my hyungs being sad that I'm dead. And I can't leave knowing that my hyungs are sad because of my actions.

There's just so much pain everywhere I go! I don't know why it follows me everywhere, but I'm sick and tired of it! I'm just so ing tired of it. And after a while, I can't feel anything and then I go running back to pain just to feel something. I'm just so ing tired...

So what am I supposed to do? I can't keep relying on people to pull my happiness from. That kind of philosophy made me end up here, in this comatose state totally out of control. Life and death don't present options for me; fate chooses for me. And I genuinely have no will to survive any longer...

A/N:

I hope you liked this chapter of Never The Same! I have some very exciting scenes in the next few chapters and I'm eager to start writing.

I don't know about you guys, but school starts in a little less than a month for me. I have a very busy schedule which includes try-outs, volunteer work, night classes, etc. so I'm going to try my best in updating. I'm going to aim for once a week. 

Thank you so much for your patience on this story. I know that I tend to overbook myself sometimes, but this story was the first BTS anything I had ever written, so I definitely plan on finishing it.

AND MAKING A SEQUEL.

Yeah, you read that right! There's definitely going to be a sequel. So don't forget to vote, comment, and share this story with your friends and followers. Thank you so much!!!

— Minecrafter2098