THE FOLLOWING STORY MAY BE TRIGGERING. READER DISCRETION ADVISED.

****

It was the time of day when the boys went out into town. It was the time of day when they would have fun. It was free time. And tomorrow would just be another day off. The Bangtan Boys always took advantage of their days off as well as their free time. However, as Bang Si-Hyuk took light steps down to the dance studio at the end of the hall, he could hear the music playing. He set his hand on the door handle and leaned his ear against it. He could hear the golden voice singing as well as footsteps rhythmically gliding along the floor. Quietly, his hand forced the handle down and he entered the room. The performer didn't even notice the sound of the door opening.

The performer was drenched in sweat. His feet and arms moved together as his vocal chords prepared for a falsetto. The mirror guided him as he made the final movement and hit the note. However, he fell just flat of the note he was striving for and his arms and feet fell out of sync. The music continued playing on, but the performer stopped to take deep breaths. His eyebrows furrowed and he ran his hands through his hair in self-disappointment. Suddenly, Bang-nim cleared his throat and the performer became petrified in embarrassment. The boy raced over to the radio and stopped the music then quickly bowed in respect.

"Sorry, sir, I didn't know you were coming," the boy looked at Bang-nim.
"That's alright, Jungkook," Bang-nim said. "I've heard you've been burning the midnight oil for the past few nights—alone. I'm surprised Jimin or any of the others haven't joined you. You've been working quite hard."
"Thank you, sir."
"Your dancing is becoming much more expressive as well as your singing and performances. I appreciate that."
"I just want it to be good."

Bang-nim let out a sigh that attracted Jungkook's attention. Jungkook's eyes carefully followed Bang-min's footsteps as he walked up toward him and wrapped his arm around Jungkook. Bang-nim led him and Bangtan's maknae—the youngest member—to the mirror where Jungkook just was.

"Jungkook," Bang-nim started, "look at yourself... Do you feel the need to be perfect?"
"No, sir, not at all," Jungkook instantly replied.

Bang-nim shot Jungkook a small glare through the mirror. Jungkook made eye contact with his reflection and then looked down at Bang-nim.

"Maybe...," Jungkook reluctantly mumbled. "I don't know..."
"I understand if you do, Jungkook. But to reach the next level of performing and skill, you must learn to express your true self—and your true self is not perfect."

Jungkook turned his head back toward the mirror and looked at himself; his white t-shirt and ripped jeans...not to mention his mahogany-dyed hair all without the hairspray and professional help.

"Do you understand me, Jungkook?"
"Yes, sir."
"Now, why don't you join the others for some well-deserved free time? You need it."

Jungkook remained frozen with Bang-nim by his side. He desperately wanted to refuse Bang-nim's friendly gesture. He hadn't exactly mastered everything he wanted to.

"Alright, if you won't listen to my suggestion, I have no choice but to order you to stay out of all practice rooms and facilities."
"Yes, sir."
"Have some fun, Jungkook! A creative mind only stays creative if you let it explore different atmospheres. You're still a young boy, Jungkook. Hold onto your youth as long as you can."

Jungkook nodded and Bang-nim led him out of the practice room. He turned off the lights and closed the door on their way out. Bang-nim made sure to lock the door as well. They walked back to the BTS dorms and then parted. Jungkook walked into the kitchen and saw Jin chopping some vegetables. A tasty aroma filled the kitchen from Jin's cooking. Jin looked up and saw the maknae walking toward him.

"Hey, where have you been, Kookie?" Jin asked. "I was starting to get a little worried!"
"I was practicing our latest song and then PD-nim kicked me out," Jungkook answered as his hyung immediately broke out into laughter. "He had to lock the door to make sure I would stay out!"

Jin approached Jungkook and hugged him, still chuckling.

"Aw! Our little Kookie's being told to stop practicing!" Jin joked around. "What a tragedy! Listen, Jungkookie, you are our perfect golden maknae! You could go a week without practicing and still have a solid performance! You've got nothing to worry about!"

Jungkook smiled at his hyung's compliment and then Jin let go. After pouring himself a glass of water, Jungkook surveyed the dorms and noticed everyone was gone. He returned to the kitchen and sat down at the counter near Jin.

"Where is everyone?" Jungkook asked.
"V, Jimin, and J-Hope said they were going to go skateboard in the park and RapMon and Suga said they were going to a movie," Jin replied. "They'll be back soon for dinner."
"Oh, okay."
"By the way, you will be here for dinner, right?"
"Yeah, hyung. I'll be there..."

Jin took the chopped meat and began to place the pieces one-by-one in the wok. He was hoping to have this done before everyone returned for dinner. Just after he finished putting the meat in the wok, he reached for another ingredient and placed it on the cutting board. Then, he switched gears to the soup he was preparing and examined it.

"Jungkook, will you please taste this and tell me what you think of it?" Jin said.

There was no response. Jin sighed and inferred that Jungkook was disrespecting him again to make him agitated. But when he turned around, he realized Jungkook had left and all that remained was an empty glass. Jin shook his head and returned his focus to his meal. Jungkook entered his dorm and ran over to his part of the room, which was covered with his belongings on and below his bed. Quickly, he ran his fingers over the top of his bed and cleared off the top. He laid down and reached under his bed. His hands immediately found three objects: a pen, a red journal, and Beats headphones. Then, he pulled out his phone from his pocket. The headphones covered his ears and were connected to his phone. The journal easily opened and the pen was waiting in his hand. Music began to steadily flow like salty water to his ears and his pen began to dance on the paper, controlled by his hand.

****

"He's gone again," J-Hope said as they continued to wait for their maknae.
"He said he would be here when I was making the meal," Jin sighed. "Aish, I don't know what to do with this kid..."

The boys waited around the table with one seat left open for Jungkook. Their plates and food began to grow cold. This happened every night. Right as the boys sat down for dinner, Jungkook always suddenly disappears and returns without an appetite. The Bangtan Boys couldn't remember exactly when or how Jungkook's odd behavior started. Maybe there was something going on at SOPA (school of performing arts)? Or maybe it had to do with family problems; perhaps it was a band issue?

"Let's just eat without him," Rap Monster said. "But we'll all have to talk to him when he gets back."

Everyone began to eat the meal like voracious animals; eating mountains of food. Jimin was hesitant to start but eventually began to eat. He looked over at V who seemed just as confused and worried as him. The meal on the table quickly vanished as the Bangtan Boys quickly inhaled all of Jin's delicious food. Everyone ate in dead silence as they waited for Jungkook to return.

"I'm just curious...when did this all start?" Suga asked. "Jungkook has never been this...distant and...somewhat offensive. The last time I remember him being him was about a year ago. Maybe even a year and a half. I mean, sometimes his true self comes out, but...it's been a while."
"Remember that night when we almost ran into Jungkook in our black truck?" J-Hope said.
"Oh yeah, I remember that...strange night," Jin replied. "I could never forgive myself if I actually hit him..."
"He said that someone was practicing fight scene make-up on him from SOPA...," Jimin mentioned. "I still find that quite odd. He never mentioned exactly who did it..."

Rap Monster suddenly stopped as he was about to bring the glass of water to his lips. A small memory flashed before him and he set down the glass in shock. His eyes were open wide and he looked as if he had seen a ghost—or if he just broken one of Jin's good plates. His expression was simply grave.

"I just remembered something that happened between Jungkook and me," Rap Monster murmured. "He and I were alone in the studio long time ago and he asked me for some advice on how to ask a girl out."
"Wait, how is that relevant to this conversation?" Jin asked.
"I—"

Suddenly, the door to the dorms opened and Jungkook returned. He instantly felt his hyungs' eyes on him as he stepped into the kitchen. His cheeks began to glow a crimson shade.

"I'm sorry for being late," Jungkook apologized to his hyungs. "I was out on a walk."
"Um...it's okay, Jungkook, but come sit down with us," Rap Monster said. "We need to talk."

Jungkook walked through the kitchen and took a seat at the empty spot next to Rap Monster. His plate was still full of untouched food that Jin had prepared for everyone. Everyone watched him as he simply sat there holding his chopsticks in his hand, staring down at the food with a vacant expression.

"Is there something wrong?" Jin asked. "Is it too cold?"
"No, no, of course not, Jin-hyung. Your food is always amazing," Jungkook replied. "I'm just not feeling well..."
"Are you coming down with something?" Jimin studied the maknae.

Jimin reached out and put his hand on Jungkook's forehead to take his temperature. He slowly removed his hand and Jungkook set his chopsticks down. He felt uncomfortable sitting there with all of his hyungs watching him.

"Jungkook, we're concerned for you," J-Hope started. "We just feel like you've become distant and we just want to know if you're okay."
"Sorry for the strange behavior, hyungs," Jungkook stammered. "I'm...I'm okay."
"You seem unsure," V pointed out.
"No! I'm...I'm fine, hyung! I swear!—"
"Hey, Jungkook, calm down," Rap Monster said. "We just want to spend time with you!"

Jungkook stared at another object for a few moments and took a few breaths to calm down. Minute tears formed in his eyes and he took a moment to try and get rid of them. Jimin and V looked at each other and both knew that something was wrong.

"Jungkook, did we as a band or as individuals hurt you in any way?" Rap Monster asked.
"No...of course not, hyung," Jungkook muttered as more tears amassed in the corners of his eyes. "This isn't about any of you."
"I just feel like something happened because of us that made you so...unhappy. What did we do to you? 
"This isn't about you, hyung," Jungkook inaudibly murmured.
"Can you, at least, tell us what's on your mind?" Jimin asked.
"I..."

Jungkook kept his head down and burrowed his head into his hands. Tears slowly fell from his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. The muffled sound of his distress further worried his hyungs. Rap Monster didn't know what else to say. He looked to Suga and Jin to find the words to tranquilize Jungkook.

"Jungkook, I want to apologize for—" Suga hesitantly started.
"It's not about you!" Jungkook suddenly stood up screaming and pounded the table as more tears fell from his eyes. 

Everyone fell silent from his abrupt outburst. Jungkook stepped away from the table a little as his hyungs kept their eyes on him. Everything was finally coming out—all of his inner demons.

"It's not about you, it's about me!"—he paused as his hyungs listened in closely as his voice became quieter—"It's always about the band, PD-nim, or any one of you! But it's about me for once! And I don't know what's happening to me... It's just...everything I do never seems good enough...there's always someone who does it far better!"

Jungkook paused to catch some air as he was beginning to hyperventilate. Jimin, who was sitting beside Jungkook, stood up next to him and worriedly looked at his dongsaeng. Tears began to accumulate in his eyes as Jungkook continued to weep. Everyone became rigid at the maknae's agonizing mental breakdown. They were all so engrossed in what Jungkook had to say that their bodies stopped moving.

"No! Don't touch me!" Jungkook suddenly screamed and pulled back as Jimin jerked back in his attempt to hug him; the maknae's voice grew silent again. "You guys don't know me—no one does...none of you understand what's going on with me... Hours of perfecting the choreography and my voice has just never seemed good enough! I'm always so depressed and disappointed in myself! I can't bring myself to really smile anymore! I just can't take it anymore!—"
"Jungkook, we know you...," Jin said as he watched his dongsaeng emotionally implode.
"No! Stop!" Jungkook raised his voice again. "You really don't know me! You don't know me at all... I don't even feel like a human being anymore; I can't feel anything because I'm so numb all the time! I'm just a black hole constantly being into myself! I'm just so sick and tired of pretending and acting like everything's okay! I hate everything! Understand? I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate my friends! Most of all, I hate pretending! Everything is just slowly falling apart and I can't do it anymore!"

The hyungs were speechless as Jungkook continued to take a few steps away from the table, growing more and more distressed. He tried to calm himself from his shouts and disrespectful words. By now, all of the boys were distraught and had tears in their eyes.

"Hyungs, you all don't know me...," Jungkook softly spoke. "You don't know what it feels like where I am... You don't know what it feels like in here... You don't know what it feels like to be trapped in here..."

The hyungs looked among each other with looks of apprehension. Jungkook waited for himself to mentally regroup. However, his face remained fragile and shattered as the tears remained forever embossed on his puffy cheeks.

"I'm sorry, hyungs...," Jungkook apologized. "Please, just let me go to my room..."

Jimin let a tear fall as he stood frozen in front of Jungkook. He didn't want to admit it, but Jungkook was right: they really don't know him.

"Go," Jin reluctantly murmured.

Jungkook hesitated first, but then moved quick with haste and walked to his room. Silence filled the dining room as the hyungs still remained dumbfounded and concerned. He was the Golden Maknae. He had nerves of steel that everyone strived for; confidence and pride unlike anyone they had ever met; strength and endurance men would die for; looks and suavity women would kill for. Was everything...just a lie? Was it just like Jungkook had said? Was it really all just pretending?

****

He was relentlessly staring at three objects meticulously. He covered his mouth with his hand and solely focused on the three objects; his eyes jumped from object to another repeatedly. It had been nearly three solid hours or so since he had woken up in the middle of the night around three in the morning. It had taken him almost three hours to make up his mind and he finally did.

Everyone was still asleep and he liked it like that. It was peaceful. He walked into the bathroom and looked himself in the mirror. He was physically and mentally prepared for what he had in mind. He was wearing his favorite clothes and colors, but he left his hair alone and only brushed it to one side so it wasn't tangled or in his face.

"I'm ready," Jungkook whispered to himself.

He left the bathroom, grabbed the three objects, took his phone with him, left a note, and then he was gone. The lengthy note was written in a hurry and Jungkook left the pen on the edge of the counter on his way out. Throughout the entire morning, the pen stayed on the edge of the table; but then it suddenly dropped without warning. And it was enough to stir the other members into utter chaos.

"V! Jimin!" Jin shouted into their room.

They moaned in response and looked up at their hyung.

"Where's Jungkook?" Jin asked. "I heard something and now I can't find him!"
"Jungkook?" Jimin looked toward the bed in the back of the room. "Kookie? Jeon Jungkook!"
"Where is he?" V said.
"He's gone," Jimin gasped.

Rap Monster groggily walked next to Jin under the doorway with the note in his hand.

"He just went on a walk," Rap Monster answered.
"A walk?" Jin questioned. "Are you sure?"
"A walk...," Jimin thought out loud. "Oh my God!"—everyone's eyes dashed over to him after his shout—"A walk! We need to find him before it's too late!"

Jimin suddenly burst from out of bed and began to search for some quick clothes to put on.

"Why?" V yawned.
"No questions! Just call PD-nim!" Jimin panicked.
"What do you mean, Jimin?" Rap Monster asked as concern began to show in his voice.
"I...I think he's trying to kill himself!"
"Oh my God!" Jin gasped and dashed out of the room to find his phone.

****

The camera  and was rattled before showing an image of Jungkook, who was holding his phone up to record himself. It was a half-hour past dawn and the sun was steadily rising above the dark water around him.

"Hello, hyungs and...anyone else who cares to watch," Jungkook slowly started. "It's Jeon Jungkook."

He hesitated for a moment and then turned the camera ever so slightly so that the sun rising behind him was in the video. He sniffed a little before continuing the video and then put his signature angelic smile on his face.

"It's dawn on Friday, September 31, 2016. It's kind of crazy...it's been a little over three years since I debuted with BTS. Strange..."—he paused—"Um...it's hard to realize that it's been nearly two years since everything started to lead up to this... It's so beautiful out here today, I never would've never expected anything to be this beautiful..."

Jungkook lightly laughed to try and calm his nerves. But that little pretend chuckle was enough to trigger his absolute downfall. His other hand covered his face and his head dropped in front of the camera as he began to uncontrollably weep.

"Sorry, I...," he lingered in front of the camera. "I can't do this."

He stopped the recording and dropped his phone onto the top level of the tower he was on. He leaned on the railing and stared down at the choppy water below him—decameters below him. Then he faced the open, opposite side of the tower. A vehicle pulled up from the street and Jungkook knew he was going to be stopped. But he yearned for freedom for so long; he was anticipating this moment for over a year! He prepared to accelerate. This is all he ever wanted. He was near the end. The sound of a door opened followed by rapid footsteps in gravel. And he got what he wanted.

"Jeon Jungkook!" Jimin shouted.

But his body was already lifted in the air and he felt like he was flying for a few long seconds. But it knowingly deceived him and he began to fall down. Down closer to the icy water—his grave; his home. Water sprung up from the impact and ate him alive.

For a short moment underwater, he opened his eyes and looked around. Everything was being engulfed by darker colors—black to be exact. He looked up and saw bubbles floating up to the top where the light was, some place he would never reach again. Then he looked down and continued to feel a slight tug continuously pulling him down. This is the only place that understood what he felt like. He felt like he was constantly being drowned, which he physically was, and there would be no way out because the darkness was adamant in pulling him in slowly. Then, it kicked in; his backup plan—the white and cyan capsules. His vision grew blurry from the outer edges of his sight, it metastasized from the outside in, and his last dying wish was complete.