Smoke breaks became a little more frequent, but I wanted some space where I could just talk to my best friend without anyone else around. Lunch with everyone around one table was just a little suffocating. “My mom nearly killed me when I told her the cigarettes were mine,” I chuckled, my voice gravelly from the warm air, and took the cigarette out of Matt’s mouth for my own drag.

“I hope she thinks it’s genetic and that you got hooked on your dad’s habit. I’d die if she knew you got your first cigarette from me.” The sun shone right down on his face, casting shadows over his cheeks and adding a glimmer to his eyes. I never knew Matt could mature until now.

“Even if you didn’t smoke, I’m sure I would’ve picked up on it eventually. Smoke is comforting, with so much around me, it’s something I need to make myself now.” Did that make sense? But Matt nodded like it did.

“Yeah, I know, miss that part of my childhood where I’d smell smoke on all the adults.” Gatherings like those were the best.  

“You get me, Matt.” He laughed, a hand in his pocket and a teeter in his stance. At least that didn’t change. “Isn’t it weird how we’re the adults now? My nephews and nieces are gonna remember the way I smell…” Was I even allowed to make memories like that? Where someone or something influenced me and who I was? Could I still be influenced? I briefly wondered how it would feel if my nephews and/or nieces started smoking when they got older.

“Definitely. We’re not even 20 yet, but I remember not being able to imagine myself at this age,” Matt nodded, staring at the sidewalk. I hummed. As our silence extended, a small wall seemed to sprout between us. I looked at him. “, imagine us in another ten years.”

“Think we’ll be any different?” He stomped on the cigarette, skidding the ashes into the cement. The crunch cast a shiver up my spine. When he bit his lip, the wall seemed to get a little higher. This never happened and I wanted to frown but I controlled my face.

“I want to have a girl,” he sighed. I wonder if he’s having girl troubles? “Finish my degree and be in a relationship, that’d be nice. What about you?” All of that sounded awesome. But even in ten years, if I had a degree and some girl, what good would that bring me if I still compared every potential relationship to my past one? I let out a sigh, glancing at Matt. I wanted to tell him everything. Maybe Matt felt the same way.

“I just don’t want to be disappointed in myself,” I slapped his callused hand, reminding myself to ask about baseball later. “Come on, let’s head back inside.”

“Hey guys!” My heart stopped mid-step.

“Tiffany!” I quickly slipped back into the restaurant. I just wanted to hold onto my sanity a little longer.

My eyes started on her ankles, slowly dragging my eyes up her bare calves and thighs that seemed to sparkle in the sunlight. My mind was swimming. I almost shook my head. Why did I have to come back home during the summer? Tiffany probably knew I was looking at her and gave me a little sway of her hips because she wanted to make it hurt. And good lord, she knew which shirts fit her just right. I missed her so badly that I felt guilty for it. “.”

“What’s up?” I jumped and turned to Ji. I took another breath to calm my heart. My hands immediately went to my pocket.

“Nothing, just thinking that I might’ve left the car unlocked.” My lying was getting pretty natural. I never knew it could be so easy. “Hand me bread?”

“Here Tae!” . I looked up and my arm almost collapsed on the table. Gorgeous. Tiffany was so gorgeous, with her smile and her eyes and her hair. She was such a summer baby. It hit me that all of the other girls and guys I denied and swore off were because of her. I was beginning to forget why I looked away from girls like Sunny and Jane. This is why.

“Thanks.” She sat in front of me, her brightness never faltering. Was it real or fake? I couldn’t tell anymore. I wasn’t sure if I was becoming a worse best friend or if she was becoming a better actress. But either way, I was awful for never wanting it to go away.

“How does your next quarter look?” I tore my eyes away and looked at Hailey. She was one of us now, a college student, it was kind of weird seeing her graduate.

“Seems good, I like my schedule, it’s pretty much the same as usual,” I hummed and ripped open the piece of bread. “I go to my classes in the morning then I’ll head to the gym or track or out on an adventure until my roomie gets back.”

“Oh yeah huh, you checked into a double. That’s some damn good luck switching rooms in the middle of the semester,” Zack jabbed me with the end of his chopsticks and I hummed, glancing at Tiffany for any negative reactions. I wasn’t sure how I felt about her impassive face.

“Is she cute?”

“I mean…” Still no reaction. “Yeah, she’s cute, but I wouldn’t do anything with her. I don’t want that with her. She’s like another Matt or Tiffany.” I shifted in my seat.

“Please, we’ll always be one step ahead of her,” Matt scoffed, putting his arm around our other best friend. I realized that she was a lot more comfortable touching other people. Words flashed through my eyes, jealous words, and a gross feeling started to grow, but I smiled a little. Tiffany seemed happy. Why wasn’t I that happy?

“Of course, she’s a good friend but she’s not a best friend. I only have room for two of those right now.” She grinned an amazing grin and I couldn’t help but want it for myself. Am I the one that can’t get over our relationship? An ice cube went down my spine. I shook my leg, trying to calm myself.

“Come on, let’s pool our money together now,” Sooyoung sighed, holding our check. I pulled out enough for my share and tossed it to her. “Taeyeon, come with me to the counter.”

“I’m in between these two!” I pointed at Ji and Hailey but Sooyoung jerked her head. I sighed and crawled over Hailey, swatting away a hand on my waist. “Can you not feel me up?”

“Uh, can you not stick your in my face? That’d help,” she slapped my arm and I rolled my eyes, following Sooyoung to the counter as the others finished up their meals. She handed the check to the cashier and he stepped away.

“Taeyeon, I’m gonna tell you something and you cannot treat it as a joke, okay?” Sooyoung’s tone was as rigid as rocks. I thought back to all the times I’ve seen Sooyoung serious and could count them on my hand. A couple pebbles settled in my stomach. Perhaps this could explain why Matt was acting strange.  

“Is everything okay?” I asked, putting a hand on her arm. “Is it about school? Your family? Our friends? What? What’s up?” she sighed and checked to see if we were alone. “You didn’t really kill that professor you were bullting did you?”

“ing Hell Taeyeon!” she smacked me.

“You’re acting like you murdered someone! Tell me what’s up!” I threw my hands at her and she let out another weighted sigh. When she didn’t answer right away, my nerves bounced. “Trust me.”

“It’s not a problem really, but it’s not about me. It’s Tiffany.” She had my full attention. “After we visited you last summer, a little while after we left, Tiffany came up to me and said that she was in love with you.” Um duh? I blinked. Sooyoung shouldn’t have known that.

“Wait, what?”

During the entire drive, I stared at Tiffany. The sun fit her too well. I still couldn’t get rid of the vice grip that engulfed my heart when I was around her. What has she been doing this past year? How many people knew of Tiffany’s feelings? Sooyoung surely couldn’t have been the only one, so who else knew? My eyes drifted to Matt, driving my car with fixed eyes. He’s very likely to know. The wall suddenly made sense. Was Tiffany only talking about her feelings? Why now, of our entire relationship, why now? She made me so irrationally angry, it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair, the way she could move me. I really didn’t want to put up a higher wall in front of Matt.

When the baseball player drove off with my car, it finally donned on me that I was alone with Tiffany for the first time in a year. “What in the world are you doing?” Why is it always dark when we’re alone? I popped open her bedroom window, feeling the heat sticking to my pores. It was as if our old habits were coming back now that we were together again. The cool air felt so good on my irritated skin. “I thought you couldn’t handle having people know.”

“It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?” Thin arms wrapped around my waist, a chin dug into my shoulder and sent a tremble straight to my knees. . A rip cracked through my chest. My voice almost shook. It’d been a long, long time since such a feeling went through me. The early days must’ve felt like this. I wiggled, pushing down on her arms. I didn’t want to do this again. 

“Seriously, stop, no more.”

“TaeTae.” Her voice was too sultry. My toes curled, cramping my foot. A sigh managed to escape when her lips brushed up my shoulder. It was one of the best feelings. Like butter on a hot pan. My hands started trembling when hers slipped under my shirt, exploring what hadn’t been touched in months. Breathing was hardly an option. “Tae.” Another shock went straight to my heart. My body felt numb but she held me tighter, right against her pulse. Memories started to become foggy. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” The words fell out before I could stop them, the truth burning another hole through me. Were we saying something earlier? The thought brought back something slightly clearer. “Wait.” Her teeth gripped my skin. A sound escaped me. I knew I hit a soft spot. “Tiffany, what are you doing?”

“That’s why you broke up with me, isn’t it?” For a moment, I forgot we broke up, until I stepped out of her embrace. I still wanted her against me. My hands were itching to get back on her. I wanted to slap myself. “You didn’t like it when we were a secret, you wanted to be open. You don’t like lying, it’s against your morals, and I didn’t respect that. I’m sorry, Taeyeon, I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel loved, I’m sorry I didn’t treat you as an equal in our relationship, I’m sorry but I really love you. I want to make things right between us, I want our friends to know about us.” I could feel my body getting dizzy.

“Why now? Why not when I first told you it bothered me? Why not when we were breaking up? Why did it have to be afterward?” My misty brain couldn’t make sense of it. Our memories, everything that I had to endure, it seemed so pointless now. I could see the crack in her eyes.

“When we talked over the phone the first time, it hit me then. I love you and I need you and I want you, nothing else matters to me anymore.”

Sunny had asked me why I broke up with Tiffany in the first place. I never paid attention to the questions like this, but I sat down on the floor and thought. She doesn’t care who knows, now what? Were we meant to be? But it didn’t feel right when we dated. Why didn’t it feel right? Why was this so hard? “Tiffany…I don’t know.” She sat down in front of me. Her bedroom was too bright, the colors were too pink, and yet she still managed to make it all work for her. Beautiful. I touched her cheek and she leaned her face into my palm, her silky skin resting on my hand, holding my wrist with a shaky breath.

“How long are you staying here?” We weren’t even in the same state. I pushed the thought away for now.

“I’m leaving after your birthday,” I mumbled and she nearly cut off the circulation in my hand. The shake in her breath made my heart burn.

“I don’t want anything for my birthday, I just want 24 hours with you. Can you give that to me? If you still don’t think that we’re a good idea, if you really think that we shouldn’t date, I’ll stop. For real this time, I promise.” I didn’t want to agree. We suffered so much, and every fiber of my being didn’t want to hurt her again. I wanted to believe that my first choice was the right choice. But then, Tiffany slipped her hand into mine. Her eyes had a different tint to them and they dragged me closer and closer. No. My heart started beating again. “Please?”

“O-okay.” I found the scene a little too familiar. Her lips brushed mine, forcing soft breaths to run up my brain. I could almost taste the beer and macaroons. The memory gave me a shot of adrenaline. Fingers dug into her supple skin, blindly grabbing and holding. I had to agree. I had to doubt. She made me doubt. She made me want her again.

“Just in case…” she shoved my shirt away, dragging finger pads down my stomach as I stumbled around for her mattress. But I was right. The moon was definitely less sad when Tiffany was the one touching me.