We were all hyped up with end-of-year vibes, fueling ourselves with beer and liquor and the bonfire with papers and tests. The energy in the air made me shake in place. Nice vibes. Some people even showed up with entire boxes full of things they wanted to forget. I felt awkward with my lone envelope that seemed to burst at the seam. “Hey Taeng!” An all too familiar arm knocked the air out of my throat as it spread across my shoulders.

“Matt, don’t do that with your pitching arm,” I shrugged him off and he laughed, patting his hair down. He didn’t gel it up today. It was kind of odd to see.

“You disappointed me, I thought you were actually gonna wear a dress for graduation,” he clicked his tongue. I snorted.

“I don’t even remember the last time I wore a dress, let alone around you.” I liked khakis. They were formal enough while still wearing pants. I liked pants.

“True, but I was betting on it with Hailey.” Hearing her name made me remember the more recent kisses I’ve been sharing.

“Have you seen Tiffany, by the way?” If she rushed to make me leave and is not even here, oh my God.

“Uh, yeah, she’s helping Sooyoung with lighting up the fire,” he pointed and I followed his finger, recognizing the backside that stood near the stack of wood. I almost smiled at the sight of her. “What’s so significant about this one? Why is it the only one you brought?” he picked up my envelope. I took it back with a shaking hand.

“It’s a poem I turned in for my poetry class,” I mumbled. I was glad he couldn’t read through the envelope.

“Did you get a bad grade on it?” No. I got 100% on it. Imagining Tiffany reading my work and seeing the grade I got on it was frightening. How could I tell her that this piece was created after staring at the half moon and remembering everything she made me feel? Looking at Matt after reminiscing in the lines was too much. I was too embarrassed. “Well, since you only have that, help me empty out my . I have practically all of my papers from every AP class I ever took.”

“Ji! I heard you beat the school’s record for the 100-yard dash! Nice!” I forced myself to hold back and instead of going for Tiffany’s hand, I touched her knee. She only patted my hand, knowing that too much physical contact would look unusual to our friends.

“Thanks! I’m only up for dashes, I can’t do distance like Zack or Taeyeon,” he pointed and I looked up at my name. What were they saying? .

“Distance isn’t even as hard as you think it is,” Zack shook his head and I hummed. I squeezed Tiffany’s knee and she squeezed my hand back. “Distance is half endurance half speed. You can’t do anything if you walk the mile for 20 minutes, and you can’t do anything if you start off sprinting since you’re not gonna finish efficiently.” I tried to remind myself she was suffering too. Her fingers twitched around mine, forcing me to slip my hand away so we weren’t tempted. Don’t look so constipated, ease your expression, dammit. “Besides, track and field is nothing against the kickass varsity baseball captain!” She leaned against me and I could feel the ghost of her arm retreating from my waist.

I tried to focus on the conversations happening around us but every part of me wanted to touch and be touched by my girlfriend. There was nothing more that I wanted. It made me feel so desperate. I didn’t like it.

So, for the rest of the night, I kept my distance from Tiffany. When I kept moving away from her, I think she understood, because she stopped coming over to me. It was my idea to create some distance, but not being by her side was even worse. I felt a little disappointed that she stopped coming, but I wasn’t sure why. We can’t stand being near each other either.

I tried talking to Hailey again. She was only a junior, so she wasn’t supposed to stay long, but I wanted to try hanging out with her again. They say that there’s always that one person in your friend group you can’t be left alone with, out of sheer awkwardness. I didn’t want Hailey to be that person. “Have you guys talked?” I wondered about her ex.

“We talked a little, but we can’t get passed how jealous we both get. I think we’re done for real…” I looked at her blankly. They’ve been dating for a while though.

“I’m sorry.” She was the one who kissed me, but maybe if I had a straighter head, I would’ve reminded her that it was no way to get back at him.

“Nah, its fine. Besides, I think I was always kind of tired of the way we were getting jealous. I need a fresh start,” she smiled gently, staring into the sand, trying to find answers written in their specks. She flipped her hair back, momentarily stunning me, because her hair was literally meant for the beach. “How ‘bout it? You’re pretty good girlfriend material.” I wasn’t sure if it was because I already had a girlfriend, if I was slightly attracted to the idea, or if I even agreed with her statement, but awkwardness started sprouting out of my pores.

“Say it all you want, even if you were lesbian, we’re not compatible. You’re too much, I’m too little.” A thought wiggled its way into my conscious and I swatted it down. No more. “Go home soon, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Does Tiffany hate me? She can’t really take a joke very well when it comes to you, huh?” I followed Hailey’s finger and noticed that the girl was standing somewhere with the perfect viewing window. I sighed, wordlessly patting the younger girl on the back. How am I going to survive the rest of this party if I can’t even talk to my friends? Her jealousy was overwhelming my heart.

“Taeng, you driving?” Matt held out a red cup. I took it without another thought.

“I’ll make Tiffany hang around longer.” Maybe this is how. I tossed back, cringing at the acid-like scorn.

“One shot!” Matt cheered, followed by a few others, and I shook my head. Ooh, this lightweight body. It went straight to my brain and I got dizzy from the rush. Matt refilled my cup. Nurse this one.

“You feeling in the mood, Taeyeon?” Zack slid by me and I let out a chuckle. Alcohol always tasted weird to me, strong or not, I always got a strange after taste. Anyone at any party I went to would know that I didn’t drink for recreation.

“My parents know I won’t be home soon, if at all. We’re finally done. We graduated!” I grinned. Going to university would shake me to the core, but I hadn’t felt so good about something in a long while. I’m gonna be so far from my friends…from Tiffany. I took another drink. “Did you bring your ? I wanna move without looking ed up.”

“Yup! Sooyoung! Set it to the ‘Turn Up’ play list!” Zack called, throwing her his phone. She barely caught it but ran back to the speakers, tapping away, before blaring an old song from back in the late 2000’s. As always, the greatest era for party music.

“Let’s go ing nuts!”

Why isn’t there anything in here? I forced my face into the cup, using my right eye to look all around. Did I drink it all already? My lips tugged into a pout. I swear I didn’t. Who drank it?! I was gonna go off on whoever did it, but a distant giggle made me wobble. That was cute. I whipped around and felt a goofy smile coming on. “Hey Hun!” Her beauty seemed to shine against the warm light.

“Hey Tae, you feeling okay?” Tiffany would understand.

“No! Look! Someone drank all my punch! I wanted to drink it!” I whined and she laughed, clapping her hands. It made this piercing sound but it was manageable. Besides, her laugh was nice.

“Why do you have to make this so hard?”

“What so hard?” Something warm and soft touched my lips and I jumped back, flailing my arms around. Oh my God what was that?! Oh God, what about Tiffany! “Fany! Did you see that! What was that?! I swear I didn’t touch it; it came onto me! I don’t even know what it was!” I insisted and she laughed even more, doubling over and holding her stomach. Panic flooded my veins as she almost tipped over. “Are you okay? Oh no, is your stomach hurting? Do you have cramps?!”

“Taeyeon, stop, before I die!” she beamed at me. Damn she’s hot. I almost collapsed if not for her arms around my waist. I smiled and hugged her back. Tiffany was always warm, not too warm, but just right. And she was so huggable. I wanted to squeeze her and never let go. She reminded me of a teddy bear. A gorgeous, red-lipped teddy bear. Red lips…they were moving earlier weren’t they? Did they say something? All of a sudden, a dark and gloomy tombstone appeared in my mind. It lingered and I could see roses dripping in red. I blinked. The picture was gone, but at the same time, it wasn’t. “You okay? You don’t look too well.” Her arms seemed to drift away and I held onto them, my chest thumping.

“Don’t go,” I mumbled to myself.

“What?”

“Don’t go.” I didn’t want Tiffany to leave so I hugged her, sighing in her scent like I would lose it all. Manicured nails scraped my hair and I snuggled closer to the other body as a shiver forced my body to move.

“Never knew you were a cuddly drunk.” Her voice was so close, it reverberated through my ear, into the empty spaces in my head. Beautiful. “I love you.”

“Love you too…and I never want to let you go,” I hummed, looking up at Tiffany’s face. Her expression made me stand straighter and sway a little more. “Never!”

“Um, you okay Taeng?” another warm voice came from the other side and I whipped around, pushing back to see Max’s face clear up. No, don’t take me away from Fany. I want to just stay here, forever. I don’t want to be anywhere else.

“She’s drunk, she’s a very clingy drunk.” Tiffany giggled her addictive giggle.

“It’s been a while; this is usually the one side she suppresses.” Matt’s words started drifting out into the ocean as I focused on every breath Tiffany was taking, on the way her voice made me drowsy and awake simultaneously.

“Yeah, she’s always afraid of scaring people with how much she likes to touch…” A hand ran down my back and I let out a heavy breath. Oh my God. Smoke from the fire seemed to wrap around my body and strangle it, making me breathe in flames.

“Fany, I wanna go.” I needed to go somewhere cooler. Tiffany’s molten dark eyes twinkled down at me as a soft hand held me up.

“Neither of us should be driving, I’ll take you to the car though, okay?” That was enough. “Call us when it’s time to throw in the papers, alright?”

“Sure thing, try and sober her up.”

Once we were blanketed in the darkness, surrounded by empty cars and distant music, I took Tiffany’s hips and pressed them against my car. “Taeyeon!” her muscles tensed but immediately loosened when I kissed her, pressed against her. I didn’t realize how much it bothered me when her touches were light; as if she didn’t want to leave a trace of herself. I didn’t realize how much I wanted everyone to know that she was mine. I pushed myself away and fumbled for my keys, unlocking the van with a sharp beep.

“Get in.” She stared at me before opening the door. “Backseat.”

“Taeyeon.” I could feel the little goose bumps on her arms as I swept across them, leaning into her until she was forced to bare her neck to me. “What are you doing?” My knees were wobbly but I swore to myself I’d keep her in place. Covering her neck in deliberately long kisses, I felt every nerve buzz at the sound of her moans and groans. With a couple flops, Tiffany’s bare feet dug into my back, her hands shaking on my shoulders. My toes curled. It wasn’t enough. “Tae!” I tugged her shirt down, greeted with the silky swatch of skin and cleavage, and bit. . Because our friends who were only feet away. My eyes lolled to the back of my head as her nails began leaving marks on my neck, as her sounds came out choked. “We’re gonna get caught…”

“So shut the up and kiss me, would you?” I grumbled, throwing my shirt to the ground as heat leapt through my gut all the way up to the crown of my head. Tiffany gripped my waist tighter and kissed me. I could feel her ache.

“Open a ing window, drunk, they’re gonna fog up.” She took a bite out of my neck and sounds escaped me. My hand was practically itching for her but I cracked the back windows open. The air hit us both and we hissed, like taking a bite of an apple. Our bodies pressed together but it wasn’t enough.

I yanked Tiffany’s legs up and dragged her shorts off, tossing them with her sandals. A particularly hard beat made me fall against her. Like she couldn’t get any ier. I was worshipping her legs before but now, I was pretty damn sure I was dating a goddess. Is a girl like this even supposed to be on this planet? “Wait, Tae, here? We’re in your car.” Her voice made me breathless.

“What? Is a car not good enough for you?” what the am I saying? She giggled a little before it became a low hum as I traced lines on her stomach. “Doesn’t matter, shouldn’t matter.”

“It does.” She groaned loudly, pushing down on me as I placed little pecks on her chest and stomach. The thrill I got from her… “Tae, someone will see us. If we keep going…they’ll be able to tell…” They went in one ear and out the other. I brushed the strained stomach with my teeth, letting the fog pull me under and stuffed my conscience under the seat. My fingers brushed against a slip of silk but Tiffany’s hand took mine. “No, not here.” A burst of red flew past my eyes.

“It’s not like our first time. It’ll be fast, I’ll make you feel good.” I wrapped my hands around her strong hips, digging my fingertips into the firmness of her skin. When she shook against me, I got a little weaker.

“Stop, please.” Not with her voice like that, with her desperate pulls. I wanted more; I needed more of her. I kissed away the sweetness of her lips. I wanted her to feel how I felt around her: helpless and locked away. I wondered if she ever felt that way or if it was only me. Tiffany gripped my shoulders with a type of force I never knew and leaned close. “I know you’re drunk as Hell and I love you, but no means no.”

With a fresher mind, I stared deeply into the envelope. I couldn’t comprehend my thoughts. Save me. I flicked the envelope into the red-hot flames. My chest became even lighter than before, but it felt painful. Like I threw too much away. The voices around me melted into the fire, dripping like oil off wood, only sizzling met my ear drums. “Tae…” The water looks really still at night, it’s so peaceful. “Babe, are you feeling okay?” Bright, pale light bobbed along the ripples of black water. It seemed so cold, yet comforting. “You know it’s okay, right? I’m okay, you didn’t do anything. You’re drunk, not in your right mind.” How I longed to cling to that wobbling crescent.