“You’re lucky we’re best friends and I’m still too hyped to get a good night’s sleep,” Matt set down a cup of coffee in front of me, the smell of hard caffeine relaxing my nerves. I drank even though it was grossly bitter. “What do you want? It’s like 5 AM.” He looked at me, focused on me, and only then did he seem to notice. I hoped that Tiffany didn’t care, if I agreed, everyone would have to know. My heart picked up a little bit at the way he stared. “What’s on your neck?” Now or never. I threw off my jacket and he gasped. His cup of coffee almost crashed to the ground.

“It’s lipstick…”

“Uh, yeah! What the ?!” I showed him the ones on my stomach and pulled up the legs of my pants. “What?! I thought you were at…” I bit my lip as his eyes widened. My voice jumped into my throat when he lunged.

“Don’t!”

“The ! You and Tiffany…! And you’re here now? You have more red than a stop sign! Explain yourself!” he slapped my head and I winced. “, Taeyeon! She’s in love with you!”

“Matt, hold on, I know, just listen to me,” I gripped his wrist. I saw his jaw flex but he stopped moving so I continued. “It started that night we were studying for our AP bio test, remember? That was also the night I told you I was biual.”

“Yeah, we bought macaroons and talked about childhood with Tiff.” His voice was a lot darker in the middle of the night. Or maybe that was just because he was mad at me.

“Well, when you went home, Tiffany and I made out.” His brows raised, but if he was honest with himself, I don’t think he’d be very surprised. “We started going out after that, but she didn’t want anyone to know because she was still in the closet. So we limited ourselves around you guys, we kept to ourselves until we were alone or locked up in one of our rooms. Most of the time we went on dates that no one would really suspect, studying and eating together, and in our bedrooms…” I trailed off as the images of her played in my head. All of the dark, lustful secrets I wanted to keep burst behind my eyes.

“Don’t talk, I’ve known you since we were kids,” Matt frowned and I smiled a little. I remembered to continue my story.

“But it was really suffocating to be restricted like that, it took a huge toll on me and my emotions. I wasn’t happy just being with her, I wanted everyone to know, and our relationship was starting to hurt. I wasn’t used to lying and keeping secrets. Eventually, when I moved out of the state, I couldn’t handle it. Neither of us wanted long-distance anyway, so I broke things off the last night you guys were visiting.” My embarrassment left a trail of fire in my body.

“I thought that she was a little too clingy that night…” he hummed, sipping on his coffee. She was really clingy that night. I brushed my lip with my thumb.

“But breaking up with her left me with a lot of questions at college. I kept wondering what she was doing, if she was hurting, who she was with. That’s why I moved in with Sunny, so I could have someone to talk to and occupy my mind. I spent hours doing homework, exercising, trying to find new friends so I could forget about what Tiffany and I had.” I cringed a little as bitter coffee slid down my throat. “,” I muttered. I was curious all of a sudden. “Now that you know, how did she do during that time?”

“She didn’t hang out with us during fall quarter, but we thought that was a mix of getting used to college and trying to be independent. I texted her and now that I look back, I guess she did ask if I knew about you, but after winter that kind of stopped.” The memory of talking to her on the phone by the window made me my skin crawl.

“Yeah, she called me a little before spring break,” I rubbed my neck. Matt leaned back in his leather seat and groaned a long one. I started feeling tired, unsure if it was because it was so late or if it was our emotions pressing down on me. “We talked a few more times before I came home, but they were short conversations. I tried meeting other girls and other guys, but whenever I thought that I might have a connection with someone, Tiffany showed up.”

“So, hold on,” he rolled up, pressing his soles into the floor. “If you guys broke up and are making it messier by not abiding by traditional separated couples…why did all this happen?” he gestured to my body, drawing circles and throwing his hands up. His entire aura was getting more and more agitated. “You know what, I can’t even look at you seriously.” He whipped out a box of baby wipes and tossed it over. I started cleaning up the lipstick.

“Tiffany never really wanted to break up, I kinda guilt tripped her into it. She wants to get back together with me and for her birthday she asked to spend 24 hours together. She said she wanted to show me what it’d be like if we got back together, what kind of couple we’d be now…” She was so persuasive. “I’m supposed to be sleeping beside her right now but I was afraid of sleeping. I don’t know what I’m gonna do when we wake up,” I raked my hands through my hair, trying to breathe. My knees trembled. I was so exhausted. “I needed someone’s help.”

Matt didn’t say anything. When I looked up to make sure he was still awake, I found his eyes burning into my soul. “Are you in love with Tiffany?” he pursed his lips, rubbing his chin. “And I don’t mean if you love her as your best friend or someone you care a lot about. I’m asking you if you love the way she acts when you’re alone, if you love the way her happiness is like a breath of fresh air, if you love the way she comes into your mind when you’re looking at an apple. Are you in love with Tiffany?” My heart was beating under my palms and I cried. Why did I ever call Tiffany my best friend? She wasn’t my friend; she was so much more than that. If picturing her happy and holding me was enough to break me down, God, she must’ve been more than a friend.

“I’m in love with her,” I whimpered, my voice pushing past the tears in my throat. Warm, confident arms pulled me against a chest and I tried breathing.

“That’s awesome.” His heart hummed, lulling my eyes to sleep. His support was so comforting. “Why are you so scared? Why did you break up with Tiffany if you felt so strongly about her?” Sunny was my rock in the dorms, but anywhere else, no one could hold a candle to Matt.

“I’m scared it won’t work out, I don’t want to hurt her.” not having a fear, I was scared as Hell right now. “I don’t want her to get hurt, I don’t want to get hurt, I want to play safe,” I tripped over my words, stumbling over my vowels.

“Oh Taeng.” The smoke on his skin mixed with the coffee that lingered in the air, imprinting into my memories. It was so warm. “I love you guys so much, both of you, and I can tell you right now with the confidence of my bat that you’re not gonna hurt her and she’s not gonna hurt you. Not intentionally, but the unintentional stuff can easily be fixed.”

“She’s so good to me.” Tiffany loved me so much. I bit down on the shivers I got when I remembered the way she held me.

“You’re good to her too. I don’t even need to see you guys as a couple, knowing how much attention and care you pour into her. Neither of you should think for even a second that one does not deserve the other. If she makes you happy, hold her. If you make her happy, she’ll hold you back.” Did Matt see us hugging in her room?

We lapsed into deep breaths and slowing pulses, drifting in and out of sleep. One of Matt’s shoulders pressed into the couch. I tried not to crush him as I gulped down the rest of my coffee. My head was ringing but at least I wasn’t crying anymore. It was harder to focus on him when he was so close in the dark. “What do I do about all of our other problems?”

“Like what?” he folded his arm back and I sighed.

“I’m not even near you guys anymore…it for a long time.” I just really wanted Matt to quell all of my insecurities.

“But it doesn’t anymore, does it? You made friends so you won’t be lonely over there and Tiffany’s learning to be more confident in your relationship, at least, that’s what it sounds like,” he patted his knees, sighing into the couch. “Besides, you said you’d come home after you get your degree. You’ll visit a couple times a year and once everyone knows you’re a couple, Tiffany will definitely fly over when you don’t.” I tapped the couch with my fingers. I wonder if Tiffany knows I’m gone. It was very likely.

“You know my mom only had one boyfriend? She married him,” I mumbled and he squeezed my knee. “I already called Tiffany my girlfriend. What am I going to do?”

“What happened to the Taeyeon that rode with the flow?” Matt smirked and it was particularly annoying how his teeth were so white.

“I don’t want to up, I want that one person promise like my parents. I’m gonna fall apart if we don’t work out,” I gripped my fists, trying to ease my brows. “I love Tiffany and I want to be with her, our relationship can’t just be for fun, you know?”

“Taeng, I get what you’re saying, but you don’t need to worry about that now. Right now Tiffany is asleep, but actually she’s probably awake, and she just wants you next to her. She wants to be with you and I’ll bet my that you want to be with her. Take this one step at a time, okay? Just relax, you’re supposed to be the master at that.”

“I need to go back.” My knees buckled and my ribs hit the table. “!”

“You can’t ing drive, you’re 99% sleep and jelly,” Matt grumbled, twisting his arms into his chest. “I can’t drive you either, I’m falling asleep as we speak…” The entire room spun as I stood up, trying to slap myself awake. “Night babe…”

“I’m not your babe,” I grumbled, walking to the front door. Matt was juiced out, so thanking him would have to wait. I hummed. Why is the door turning right? A jolt of pain shot on my head and I groaned. My legs crippled. A minute passed and I wondered what Matt was actually studying.

A heart attack wrecked my dream about all-or-nothing laser tag and dinosaur rides. Shock ran through my eyes when I saw the sun and I moved away, but I regretted it when the wall got in the way. “! We slept for hours! It’s 3 in the afternoon!” Matt screamed, his panic waking up my nerves. I wasn’t sure how many different tones of his I heard in the past several hours. What? I blinked. Matt was still wearing his pajamas but the sun was attacking. I grabbed his phone: 3:34 PM. “I have like 10 missed calls and over 30 texts! Tiff’s been going insane!” I need to see her.

“.” My brain was pounding against itself and my knees creaked like a rusty car. It was like mist was crowding my skull. “, I can’t leave…”

“Get your up! Give me your keys!”

“Matt, please, hold on.” He was so damn loud. It rang between my ears and made my eyes twitch.

“Now is not the time to act like you’re hungover!” When did he put on another shirt? In a blink, I was leaning back in the passenger seat of my car. The sun was not very nice in August. I wanted a few more minutes of sleep. 

“Just a couple more…”

 Caramel and lipstick flowed into the pink room, casting a strangely breathtaking color over the white sheets. I groaned a little, rubbing the burn on my eyes. Pins and needles prickled my left arm and I looked over. Tiffany. The night came flooding back to me, the party, the drive, the counter, the talk. Good God, my talk with Matt. My lips touched her forehead before I could remind myself to be gentler. “Mm?”

“Did I wake you?” I murmured, using whatever feeling I had left in my arm to play with the tips of her hair. Her nails scraped my chest through my shirt.

“I was a total wreck today.” Her voice was so y when she just woke up. “I said I would let you go if you decided to leave, but .” She pulled me closer and my breath actually hitched. I almost choked on air. That would’ve been embarrassing. “I begged everyone to find you and bring you back, I begged Matt to let you sleep here again, please tell me what I did wrong. Please tell me why you don’t want this, because I want this with every fiber of my being and I don’t understand why it isn’t enough.” On one hand, a part of me was glad that Matt left our talk for us. It was my responsibility to make it right. But on the other hand, I also wanted to punch him in the gut for making her suffer for this long in silence. Tiffany thought I was actually done with us.

“Tiffany, let’s sit up.” But she wouldn’t let go of me. If Tiffany left me would I act like this? I still needed some clearer lines. “What about our distance? It’s gonna take three more years before I come back home.”

“I don’t care about being lonely, I just wanna be yours.” That cut deep.

“I told Matt about us.” She let out a deep breath. I hoped she didn’t mind. Matt was our closest friend. “We had a nice talk, even though we were pretty drained. But it really helped, I think I needed to stop thinking for a bit to really understand what was my intention. I’m in love with you, Fany.” I could feel the burn of her skin. “I really love you, so much. But I’m scared of the feeling and I’m scared of hurting you, so I tried to get out and make our relationship simple again, but it was too late.”

“Tae…” Why did I ever overlook the way she called my name?

“I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you and for all the pain I may cause you. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry for taking so long, this is new and I don’t understand it well, but I want this just as badly as you do. I want you just as much.” It shouldn’t have been so hard. My voice shouldn’t have been getting caught in my throat, my hands shouldn’t have been shaking. Is this how it felt to truly be vulnerable in front of her?

“Babe.” Her lips swallowed my words. Her hands pulled on my jaw. Her thighs captured my waist. Her entire essence was overpowering mine. Holy cow, it was so good, too good. Slick lips and sharp nails, smooth skin and hot air. I whimpered, fingers digging into her bare thighs. She hissed right in my ear, sending it down my spine and flaring over my skin. “, you make me feel like such a .” Tiffany’s eyes were blown up, letting me see every little fleck of gold and all of the brown smudges. She looked so damn stunning. My chest was going to explode just from the mere sight of her.

“Is that bad?” What does that even mean?

“I don’t know, but it kinda feels good,” she grinned a heart-stopping grin. It got hard to swallow. I could feel my pulse firing up when she took my neck by force. I groaned, eyelids fluttering.

“When’d you get like this?” But now that I thought back on it, I guess she’s always been a bit of a potty mouth. Just remembering that sent a stupid little thrill through me. Something came over me as I whined into her neck. Her fingertips trailed down my stomach. I couldn’t help but twitch. As if she could reach deep into me, I couldn’t help but react. And soon, the moon became her eyes, more alive than ever before.