Our dorm was filling with steam and body heat, sticking to me and dusting my skin with red. A year ago, I might’ve hated the feeling, I might’ve bubbled with anxiety and annoyance and scour for a friend but now, I was getting used to it. In fact, I was grinning even if I didn’t know half of the people on my floor. I’m smiling. I looked to the ceiling and sighed. I wanted to hug myself. “. Taeyeon! I need more pasta!” I looked over my shoulder and hummed, taking Sunny’s bowl.

“Me too, Babe!” Jane grinned at me and I almost couldn’t stop my smile. I took her bowl and walked into the kitchen, stepping over legs and cups. Opening up our doors and talking to people gave me an itchy, anxious feeling at first. Now, I was the one making meals and catering to Sunny and our other new friends.

“Bam, bam,” I sighed, handing back their bowls.

“Thanks, Tae.” I tried not to flinch. I liked to believe I was done with Tiffany, but I could never get rid of her. She was always somewhere in the back of my mind. “Do you guys wanna go hiking with me and some of my classmates from my philosophy class? They’re all really close and I don’t want to be the awkward one.” I patted my phone in my pocket.

“I’m not into that, but Taeng likes to exercise,” Sunny pointed and I looked up. Jane was pretty, with big eyes and purple tinted hair. The weather was getting nice and hanging out with friends was something I missed. It wouldn’t be a waste of time.

“Sure, I’ll keep you company,” I hummed. She smiled and I had to look away because she was too damn pretty. She had me in a daze.

I threw saran wrap over the leftovers and slipped it into the fridge. The air is so cool now. My eyes were darkening and I rubbed them with my fingertips, trying to soothe the stinging. “Good food tonight, Taeyeon,” Sunny patted my shoulder and I let out a lazy grin.

“Thanks, we have enough for the whole week so enjoy it.” I laughed when she pushed me to the side. “Hey! We don’t have to go out to eat now!”

“I know, I know,” she patted my back and we dragged ourselves to the couch. The cushion immediately fell into the groove I made for it. More people opened up their doors tonight. I forgot how much I liked being at parties. The aftermath was always nice. Once the place was clean and the sleep slipped along my muscles, the night was a little warmer. I didn’t know what to do. But it felt nice, not knowing what I was going to do, even if for a moment. “Jane asked if you were gay.” It had been a while since anyone cared about my uality.

“And what did you say?” There weren’t many reasons for her to ask; I had an idea of why she was curious.

“The truth, that you’re bi, hope you don’t mind.”

“Why would I? I don’t hide it,” I sighed and looked to the ceiling, rubbing my brows. I felt a pulse under my right eyebrow and pressed on the spot. What do I do now? “What should I do?”

“I don’t know. You think she’s hot don’t you?” Sunny poked me and I shrugged, ignoring the way my heart seemed to get a little heavy.

“She’s very pretty.” Jane’s face came to mind and it surprised me a bit. “Yeah.”

“Does she remind you of Tiffany?” That was a good question. Jane and Tiffany were so different when it came to appearances. I saw none of Tiffany when I first met the other girl during our first community dinner. On one hand, I was glad I saw none of my ex, but on the other, it was confusing me because I was very attracted to Jane. She drew me in the way Tiffany did, but without using the same tactics. There were no lingering eyes or confusing touches, Jane was all talk. I thought I had a type, but now I wasn’t sure.

“Not really, she’s not very similar to her.” Maybe it’s the smile. Jane had the kind of smile someone with love to give smiled. I want to be loved again. My chest hummed and I placed a hand over it.

“Why did you break up with Tiffany in the first place?”

“I told you, it just stopped feeling right,” I shuffled, feeling restless even when my body knew how tired it was.

“Yeah, but what does that mean? Look, I’m just asking because Jane is my friend too. You’re attracted to her now but what happens when it doesn’t feel like the way you expected it to feel?” Sunny pinched my side and I raised an eye at her.

“Are you saying you think it’s my fault?” I asked and she sat up straighter so we weren’t touching. “Tiffany and I just aren’t meant to be together.”

“But why do you think that? You still love her, don’t you?” Yeah I did. But I looked away and squeezed my thigh, trying to fight the feeling. “I said she wrecked you, she did, but you must’ve done something to her too if she still wants you.” My heart leapt through my veins. I did something to Tiffany? Romance felt like something only I felt, it was hard to think that I was manipulating someone, even Tiffany. “You’re not very good at hiding your conversations.” It wasn’t a lie if I never spoke of it.

“I miss her sometimes, okay? So when she calls, it’s not like I can ignore it…” My chest fluttered and I punched it for a moment. God this is not the time to react! “It’s only once in a while…”

“If you’re not over her, you should just say it instead of lying to yourself.”

“I’m not lying.” A prick of pain flashed through my stomach. I stared at my feet and leaned on my thighs. You can’t lie to yourself, not again. “Shut up, Sunny.”

“I care about you, Taeng. You’re holding something back and you have to tell me what it is.” The hand on my shoulder gave me chills. I wanted to fall in my bed and get lost in the blankets. I was so sick of thinking about Tiffany and what to do with our relationship. I wanted to let her go for real, yet I still held her, even if it was by a finger, it was enough to keep her around. I sighed. The silence started to eat away my nerves and my lips fell open.

“It doesn’t matter if I still love Tiffany or if she still loves me. If anything, friends is all we can be, and it’s not good to be around her very often. We aren’t compatible romantically, don’t you just ever get those feelings?” Goose bumps speckled my arms and I tried rubbing them away. Come on, have some control. “I just don’t feel safe when it comes to Tiffany, not anymore.” Sunny leaned back against me, crossing her arms.

“Is that a bad thing?”

My legs dangled off the cliff, small pebbles digging into the skin of my thighs. It’s really pretty up here. The rocks and sun shared the same warm, orange-brown color. It bathed everything in sight with the glow. It was the kind of sight that complimented my energy bar, filled with nuts and chocolate. Everything was very comforting after a long walk up an uneven trail, after a long night of thought. Some bricks managed to fall off my body, albeit in small chunks. “You don’t like interacting too much, do you?” I glanced at Jane as she sat beside me, wiping her sweat with a small towel. The way she glowed effortlessly reminded me of Matt and the night we bought macaroons. I gulped.

“I guess, these guys aren’t as fun as my friends back home,” I admitted and she laughed, elbowing me playfully.

“So we’re not as fun?” Her laugh made it easy to feel lighter.

“I never said you weren’t.” If my friends met her, they’d love her, that was definitely a fact. Jane could fit in like a glove, no one noticed that we only knew each other for a few months. “You’d probably get along with them very well.”

“Does that mean you’ll introduce me to them?” Probably not. It would be too much and too soon to let her meet my friends, I didn’t want these different sides of my life to mix.

“Maybe if they’re around,” I shrugged, nervous about telling her the real reason, but she leaned on me and the ache in my shoulder melted a little.

“Why did you move out here?” she asked. I thought I knew why. I thought I needed a change of scenery, I thought I needed to get away. Now that I had done all of that, longing for familiar companionship began to rip through my chest. I didn’t know why I left my home state anymore. Maybe if I stayed, I would be going to the same school as Matt and Kim. Maybe if I stayed, I’d be out with everyone for dinner instead of hiking. Maybe if I stayed, Tiffany and I would still be together. Would we work, or would I still come to the decision to end it all?

“Impulse? I don’t really know, I like the school and it’s nice here. I sort of jumped at the chance,” I mumbled, slipping my trash into my backpack. It wasn’t a bad idea; it was random. Sunny was someone I needed though, especially with thoughts about Tiffany swimming around my brain. I wasn’t sure where I’d be without my roommate, so maybe the decision was random to me but not so random to someone bigger.

“Glad you jumped then,” Jane said under her breath and I nodded, my chest falling off the cliff. Even the way my heart reacted to her was different than Tiffany. A cigarette landed between my fingers and my lighter was in the other hand. I didn’t realize I brought them on the hike. “You smoke?” I wasn’t sure what to make of her tone.

“Occasionally…” Why did I need a cigarette?

“That’s weird, but alright.” She took my lighter away, brushing my fingers, and clicked it on. Tiffany would never do this for me. I blew out a breath of fumes, setting the stick at rest. Her gaze was downcast but it was so pretty for some reason.

“Weird?” I raised an eyebrow and she mirrored the action.

“Yeah. You’re a little too bright to be smoking.” What the is up with the people here and the way they describe me?

“What does that mean?” I asked, taking another breath of the sting. It shouldn’t have been painful anymore, but the sizzle was still in my throat, forever reminding me why I chose to smoke in the first place. Jane leaned back on her palms like a perfect ending. Her collarbone stood out even more.

“When you wake up and see a morning sun, you don’t expect anyone to smoke at the sight of it do you?” I guess not. “You’re like the morning sun. I’d expect someone that smokes to look a little bit like a midnight moon, someone who tries to stand out but is just surrounded by black.”

“I’d rather be the moon than the sun.” Being bright wasn’t me. Whoever Jane was seeing, it didn’t sound like me. At least, it no longer sounded like me.

She reached out and slipped the cigarette out of my hand, popping it between her own lips. I couldn’t tear my eyes away, even after a puff of smoke brushed my eyelashes; Jane was fresh out of a hipster photoshoot. “Hm, I don’t know, I could use a little sun in my life.” Is this her play?

“Look somewhere else.” She laughed. At least I didn’t sound too rude. “I’m sorry, look, I’m gonna tell you something that not a ton of people know about me.” I tried holding a hand over my mouth to stop my word vomit but letters kept spilling from my palm. “Right before fall quarter, I broke up with this girl I really loved. I still love her, a lot. Getting into another relationship, anything close to romantic, isn’t a smart idea for me or that other person. Do you understand?” A huge weight fell off my chest. This time it felt good, but it didn’t last long. Not when Jane looked at me with that darkness in her eyes.

“Let me be the girl that makes her look ordinary.” She was so close to being beautiful.

I could almost see my breath as I sighed against the pillow, curling against the silk sheets. My phone slipped onto my desk and into the back of my head. A body slipped under my blankets and held my waist. It was a familiar warmth, something that I missed a lot. “Mm? What do you want?”

“You’re not gonna tell me why you pushed Jane away?” Sunny hummed against my neck and I shrugged. It was weird because I was on my side and shrugs just weren’t meant for when one side was blocked.

“There’s only two reasons why someone wants to kiss another when they’re not over their breakup: to make their ex jealous or to be a rebound. I don’t want to do either with Jane.” That was cruel, even if she was willing to be broken, I wasn’t ready to break someone else.

“You’re getting kinda smart, Taeyeon,” she said and I smiled. Yeah, I am.

“Just by a little bit, though,” I thought aloud as Sunny’s short arms squeezed my stomach.

“A little is enough for today.” That was true. A little was enough for now, but I already made so much progress. I was getting greedy. The moon seemed to reflect right off my chest, but I knew, it’d be a little less sad if my ex was the one holding my waist. Or looking into my eyes. Or whispering sweet nothings to me. Or just making sure that I was okay.