Time was frozen. I wished it would melt, if only for a few seconds. If time continued to pass, maybe I wouldn’t be stuck here, half- and under Tiffany’s covers as she spoke to her father. I tried not listening, just so I didn’t have to follow the pieces of their conversation. If he just left, I could leave, or at least, make an attempt at leaving. A hand brushed my neck and I jumped a little. “He went to work. Come back up.” As I slid back into the open, fresh air filling my lungs, she held me and kissed me. I held back a cringe. I felt like Tiffany’s dirty little secret, a skeleton tucked away in her closet. It was a very selfish thought, because she was also mine, but I let it flow. When I took another breath, oxygen started to reflate my thoughts.

“I should leave.” I bent down to grab my shirt from under the bed but she pulled me back, slipping her leg over mine. Her eyes bore into mine. I melted onto the sheets.

“No, stay.” I was starting to hate the way she made me feel and it made me want to cry. But I couldn’t so I only let a small part of me do it.

“Okay.” It cried when I threw every and any thoughts of leaving over my shoulder. It cried when a ferocious burn consumed my chest as we kissed. It cried as her fingertips brushed my skin like second nature. It cried as I indulged in the pleasure of her, time and time again, but never felt as content as I did before. This emotion was starting to kill me, but I wasn’t sure how to make it stop.

A buzz from my phone stirred my drowsy mind. I frowned, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and sat up. I glanced around. For a moment, I wondered why there were boxes everywhere, and I remembered: this was my new home. College, the place I’d be living for, at least, the next four years. I fell asleep while packing? I could feel the jet lag hugging my limbs. I took my phone.

Fany: did you finish packing?

Tae: I fell asleep…nothing’s done ;~;

It was quiet around campus, probably because it was summer, but I wanted some more noise. Being left to my thoughts was intimidating. There was nothing else, except for that odd buzz in the back of my head. My phone rang again and I looked.

Fany: omg get to work! i’m boarding with the others now, i’ll talk to you soon babe love ya <3

Tae: Got it, see you guys soon. Love you too Hun <3

My heart was always set on an out of state university, ever since I was young. But then Zack and Ji were set to attend the same college. Sooyoung settled her nonexistent ambitions at a nearby community college. Kim and Matt found places in the state’s top academic university, both on athletic scholarships in their own sports. Hailey was still in high school, catching a major case of senioritis. I found my heart waning. But I left. I couldn’t handle staying there, I just wanted to leave, even if it meant leaving my friends and my girlfriend. I needed to be alone.

The very sight of my friends gave me a big, swelling gratitude in my chest. I wanted to be alone, but I missed them. My friends defined me, without them, it was hard to say who I was. “Taeng!”

“Matt!” He threw his bag down as I jumped onto his massive six-foot form. I sighed against his puffy vest, a familiar scent easing me. With Matt, I felt very secure. How could I not? And yet, he had no idea…

“Guys, you’re drawing attention.” I greeted my other friends, squeezing them as I went along, pausing when I came to Tiffany. Tiffany. I gave her a smaller hug.

“Nothing else?” she mumbled and I almost sighed. Holding a phone to my ear didn’t hold a candle to lips on my ear.

“I would kiss you if I could.” But I can’t. I leaned away. I wished I could’ve stayed closer to her. “Are you guys gonna drop off at Kim’s house first?”

“Yeah! We’re gonna head there, drop off our stuff, and then you can give us a campus tour!” Kim beamed and I hummed, glancing at Tiffany. I didn’t think I’d miss her this much, but maybe that was something I just kept telling myself.

“Alright, let me help you guys throw your stuff in the back.” I took Tiffany’s bag. It was totally just an excuse to brush her hand.

In my hands, I held a small picture of Tiffany and I. It was simple, we weren’t doing anything extraordinary, just lying in bed together with a couple smiles. A small sigh escaped me. It was almost as if I was lying in my bed with her by my side, lazily holding hands. That warm feeling came back. I set the picture aside. It’d only make things worse.

Neither Tiffany nor I wanted to be in a long-distance relationship. I still had memories where she vowed never to date anyone who lived more than an hour away. I was confused as to why she was still holding our relationship together. It was a painful experience already. A part of me adored the fact that Tiffany may be willing to put her ideals on the line and have a relationship with me even though I was states away. Another, bigger, darker part of me didn’t want to be with her anymore.

I was in love with Tiffany, I knew I loved her, but perhaps we weren’t meant to be in a romantic relationship together. Nothing felt right after we shared our first kiss on that crisp night. At times I was elated, in pure bliss by just being with her, but other times I felt like another person, floating around aimlessly. She no longer gave me the feeling Matt gave me, the warm, confident, happy feeling I got from my best friend. She made me weak, but I had to gather strength before we fell too far.

The air was a little more humid at night, making me a little more irritated than at home. But Tiffany slipped her hand onto my elbow and I couldn’t help but feel better. I should stop depending on her. I didn’t move her hand away though. She almost never initiated our small bits of contact, I wanted to savor this. “What do you guys think?”

“Knew you were a er for the pretty campuses,” Matt sighed, grinning as he spun around, his sole scraping the brick path.

“I’m gonna do a lot of writing, I need inspiration from somewhere if I’m not around you guys.”

“Or you could get yourself a date,” Sooyoung clicked and Tiffany pinched my arm. It was a very angry pinch. I wasn’t even sure if I should comfort her. My heart was anxious. Being around her made me spin. Can I go back to my room early?

“You know how hard it is for me to get close to someone else,” I sighed an airy sigh, leaning my head back. “My surroundings will have to make up for it.”

“You got a single right?”

“Yeah, I thought it’d be a little strange to live with someone I didn’t know.” When did I get so good at lying? I desperately wanted the full college experience, that included having a roommate, but Tiffany asked me not to have one. I never thought twice after that.

“Where’s your building?” Zack wondered, looking around. I pointed down the road we were on, past the green trees and stylish buildings, on the edge of the horizon.

“A little bit farther down campus. But I still haven’t unpacked much so it’s mainly boxes.” I was afraid they’d be able to see the intimate picture of Tiffany and I on my shelf. “We’ve been walking for a while; why don’t we head to the cafeteria for dinner?”

I felt bad for the staff in the cafeteria. My friends were way too loud to be counted as socially appropriate. I liked their volume, though. It saved me from my own quiet thoughts, from the reminders of the future lonely dinners I’ll have. “Are the three of you eating the same sandwich?” Ji pointed and I looked over at Matt and Tiff who did have the same sandwich as me. The baseball player swallowed roughly.

“Yeah. Taeng and I had the same taste when we were kids so we always split a sandwich at Subway, but then we got bigger appetites so we couldn’t share anymore since I kept eating everything. When Tiffany came along, Taeyeon basically conditioned her to eat the same sandwich we did,” Matt chuckled and I smiled a bit. Yeah I did that. She never fought it. I briefly wondered how long she felt romantically attracted to me. Should I even ask if I want to end things between us?

“That’s cute. So, Matt, what are the odds of—.”

“No! No more!” I snapped and Sooyoung grinned.

“Guys, come on, Tae’s traumatized,” Tiffany smiled at me. Did she feel jealous at that point, when Hailey and I kissed?

“Okay, no more ual stuff, only embarrassing stuff.”

“It was embarrassing!” I frowned. But, maybe without it, I would’ve never dated Tiffany. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

“You know what I mean!” she insisted. “So, Matt, what are the odds of you going back to the counter and asking for a refund on your sandwich?” It’s been a while since such a big smile was plastered on my face.

I seriously considered taking Tiffany away from the cafeteria to have a talk, the talk, but decided against it. I was pretty heartless even thinking about it. When did I stop thinking about others? If we broke up in the middle of dinner, we’d be forced to return to our friends and pretend like nothing out of the ordinary happened. No, I couldn’t take her heart and rip it to pieces, only to force her to pick them up again when our friends were around. My acting was improving, but if the very image of Tiffany hurting was enough to tear me down, the real thing would be a lot more wretched. Another day, I’ll do it another day.

I shadowed my friends at Kim’s vacation home before finally coughing up enough courage. They were leaving in the morning, if I didn’t do it now, I was most likely going to do it over the phone. Although it’d be easier on my part, I wanted to break up with her in person, no matter how tempted I was to do otherwise.

On their last night, it was colder than usual. We sat on the stone steps in front of the house and she leaned on me, providing my body with warmth I was sure to crave for many nights to come. “What do you want to talk about?” Yes, we need to talk. But for a long moment, I didn’t move. I needed more strength to actually have this conversation. It was overwhelming my mind. Do I really want to break up with her? After all we’ve been through and everything that’s yet to come? I’m in love with her, I can’t deny it, I’m unable to, but this pain…this thing she’s making me feel, I can’t even tell what it is. I just know I can’t handle it.

“I don’t think…we should continue…this.” My heart skidded to a stop inside of my ribs when she leaned away. I stared at the streetlamp on the sidewalk, focusing on its orange glow, it was close enough to the sunset.

“Why?” Why? Where did I start?

“Ever since we started this relationship, I haven’t been feeling right. You’ve noticed, haven’t you? I can’t smile as sincerely, I can’t understand what my body’s going through, I can’t focus on anything. I can’t even tell my friends what’s wrong because that would mean telling them that we’re together. I’m lying to everyone; I’ve even been starting to lie to myself. You said it’d be okay, but it isn’t. Nothing feels okay anymore.”

“Tae, why didn’t you say anything? Before girlfriends we’re best friends, I hope you haven’t forgotten that.” The orange was starting to blur into the ground and I looked back at Tiffany. Her face was starting to blur into the sky.

“Would you like hearing that I’m having trouble smiling now? Would you like hearing that I’m feeling trapped in a cage of my own friends? Would you like hearing that every time we kiss it hurts because you’re too scared to show me how much you love me? Would you like hearing that I doubt that you love me? Would you like hearing that I’m not happy being with you anymore?” I was sure that I was about to throw up. My heart was beating faster and I could taste salt. I choked on my emotions. I moved away from Tiffany but her arm slipped around my waist. Her touch alone numbed the pain, a shiver went up my spine as they drew circles.

“Taeyeon, I love you. I’m in love with you, every time I say it, I swear to God it’s true.”

“It doesn’t matter if you say it if I can never feel it,” I croaked, my voice thick with tears. My fingers trembled as I smeared my own cheeks. “That night of the bonfire, in my van, I was so angry that you wouldn’t go further, I almost violated you.”

“You were drunk that night and you didn’t even do it.”

“But I wanted to.” It was the scariest thing I’ve ever felt. I could feel the hesitation in Tiffany’s hands, but she still wouldn’t let go of me. “I wanted to. That’s why I didn’t talk to you for the rest of the night, I was so disgusted!”

“Babe…” I flinched when she brought her hand up. “It’s okay…”

“It’s not okay. None of this is okay. It won’t get better, if anything, the longer we stay girlfriends the worse I become.” I could finally see her face, but Hell, I’d rather see any other face than hers at the moment. Her eyes looked more like one of the halves of the yin yang, dripping down at the edges, sculpting her face.

“Do you love me?” her voice cracked and she pointed to herself. I wanted to stop her finger from trembling like the way it was.

“I’m so in love with you I don’t know how to express it.” It was time I started being honest again, but it ached to say those words. Has the truth always burned a hole into me? “You’re not just my girlfriend, you’re so much more than that. And doing this is so painful, because even though I’m not content, I feel like being around you could be enough.” Her hand quivered over mine, like a whimper, and I wrapped my fingers around hers. “I want you to be happy, I don’t want to make you cry, but if we keep doing this I might explode. Something worse than a breakup might happen between us, let’s stop now while we can.”

Even though it was their last night, Tiffany still had to put on a front for our friends, but I did as well. We pretended we went on a walk. I wondered if, as she smiled, if anyone else could see the crookedness of her heart. She clung to my hand, so I stayed with them as they powered through movies into the night. Everywhere at any opportunity, she’d steal a kiss from me, imprinting herself on my skin. I made a move to tell her to stop, but then she buried her face into my shirt, and I wasn’t able to break her heart anymore.

“Please think again?”

“I’ve made up my mind, Tiffany.” It was weird how we’ve been on dozens of dates and seen each other countless of days, and yet the night of our break up was the most love I’ve ever received from her. It was an excruciating realization: you don’t know what you have until you’ve lost it. I wondered, between us, who was losing.

Tiffany eventually fell asleep on my hand. I brushed her soft locks, letting out a heavy sigh. It was full of my words, emotions, and actions. If only you knew, if only you could understand, maybe we’re not meant for each other this way. Did Tiffany really feel content about our relationship? Did she truly not wish it was better? I guess I could ask later, when the pieces heal. I kissed her forehead, barely touching the skin so I didn’t wake her. It was enough trouble getting her to sleep. I’ll miss you. I was gonna miss her and all of my other friends dearly. I left the room with an ache in my bones.

I wasn’t surprised to see Matt standing underneath the streetlamp, smoke trailing from his lips, but my pulse jumped into my throat when I asked for one. “You’re not gonna lecture me?” he flicked the lighter and I made sure the end was well-lit. I in a deep breath, letting the smoke swirl around my mouth. “Careful!” but I twirled the stick in my hands and took in the burn. It was like alcohol. I just had to endure. Gray wisps flickered from my lips, their flavor enveloping my senses. It was only for a moment, but I felt calm.

“I could smell it on you way back when, figured it was too late to stop you,” I mumbled, tapping out the ashes.

“When did you get so pro at smoking a cigarette?” he took a drag and I held my cigarette in my left hand, between my middle and pointer finger. I leaned against the pole and looked up. Huh.

“My dad’s a pro. Maybe I’ve watched him too many times.” I should’ve paid more attention to the stars. On a night I needed it the most, the moon was gone.