I put the picture frame down, but the image was already tattooed into my memory. I put it under my bed, but looking at my shelf reminded me of the spot where the picture was. If I moved the furniture somewhere else, I’d still remember it was once by my bed, and realized it would be a vicious cycle before I simply got rid of everything in my room. Even then, I’d still try to hide from the loneliness since Tiffany wasn’t there. So I put the picture back up.

Being alone was a lot harder without anyone to lean on. And Tiffany no longer had a right to control my living arrangements, so I found myself looking at doubles, triples, and quads in the middle of the year. Somehow, I managed to talk someone out of their double for a room swap. But this time, when I unpacked everything, I left the picture.

My roommate had a smile that reminded me of Tiffany’s. She was pretty cute, but the fact that her smile was a little more cheerful and a little less beautiful told me I wasn’t ready. “What made you want to move out of a single? Thought people like you would like that.” I didn’t even know her name yet she was already analyzing me.

“People like me?” I repeated, crouching on the frame of my bed, putting most of my weight on the mattress.

“Yeah, people like you, who have actors’ eyes.” She was losing me.

“What?”

“You know, actors have those dramatic, glossy eyes that look like they’re gonna cry all the time. You have them too. People who wear their heart on their sleeve would seem to like singles.” Do my eyes really look like that? I guess I couldn’t disagree, but if I wore my heart on my sleeve, wouldn’t all our friends know about Tiffany and I?

“Are you a psych major?”

“I’m an ed. major.” The shock hit me in the toes. But she was cute, relatable, and comfortable to talk to. She’d definitely be one of those teachers you wish would follow you.

“I like being alone, but I don’t like being lonely,” I replied and she hummed. I wasn’t sure if she understood, but telling her made me feel a little better. Do my eyes really look like that? I brushed my eyelashes, trying to imagine the glass my roommate described.

Sunny was a hard worker which left the room empty during the afternoons. My morning classes ended before she was done studying, so I ended up in my sweats on the track or in the gym. When my core ached and my legs creaked, I forgot about what I was supposed to be doing other than my workout. I collapsed on a bench, sweating and breathing in sync. My fingers were already shaking on their own without my phone but I managed to feel the vibration run up my arm. “Hello?”

“Where are you? It’s six and you’re not home yet?” I looked at the clock in the gym and whistled.

“Sorry, the time got away from me. I’ll be back in ten minutes,” I mumbled and shoved my phone into my pocket, lugging my body to the locker room.

Steam in the air made it hard for my lungs to breathe but I liked it that way. Breathing in fresh air was easier after a shower. I slipped out of the bathroom with a towel on my neck and PJ’s on my body. “Hungry?”

“Starving,” I groaned, sitting down with my roommate on the other side of our small round table. What do Caucasian people eat for dinner? I almost always had rice. What did white people usually eat? “How was your day?”

“It was okay, I had some gross stuff to take care of, but it’s over now. Oh! That really cute guy in my writing class came back from Hawaii and he got me a little surfboard!” she gushed, showing me the pink and white key chain. I smiled. “Isn’t it cute?”

“Yes, it’s pretty cute,” I agreed, slurping up the last bits of rice. “Dating him yet?”

“No, I’m trying to see how I get the hang of this first year,” she hummed. “What about you? How was your workout?”

“Today at the gym, that Russian trainer came over to me and was like ‘no, you should do it this way’ but then it hurt a lot more than what I was doing and she kept going ‘one more set, one more set’ and I was crying like ‘but you said that last time’!” I tried my hardest to make Sunny laugh or smile, because when she did, it made me laugh or smile. Her happiness was contagious. I wanted it to flood my veins.

“If you don’t want to interact with the trainers, maybe you should stop lifting weights.” My phone rang and I glanced over at the couch. Should I get it? “Remember, Taeng, no phones at the table.” She was hard not to like.

“I know.”

I set all of our dishes in the sink and slipped on some gloves. As I scraped leftover rice out of a bowl, I thought back to my phone. “Sun! Can you check my phone?” I called. Damn won’t this stuff come off? I used the rougher edge of my sponge.

“Sure!” A bit of silence fell over us as we did our own things. “.”

“What was that?” Did she just swear?

“Uh…what’s your password?” She can see the message or caller can’t she? I slipped my gloves off, turning them inside out. I walked over.

“Let me unlock it for you,” I held my hand out and she made a face. “What the does that mean?”

“It’s your ex…” Oh. Before knowing Sunny’s name, it was a lot easier to open up to her about whatever I wanted to say. My story with Tiffany was a big part of that brief period, kind of like how her nephew’s love for school was a big part of her. It’s been a while. I stuck my hand out again.

“Give it to me.” What did she say? Or did she try to call? Is there a voicemail?

“Taeng, this girl ruined you.”

“Yeah, she did. And it’s been a while since I heard her voice, please, Sunny.” It was so easy to understand that our relationship hurt me yet I still wanted her. I stepped closer and the hesitation was written all over Sunny’s face. “I’ll sit right here, at the window, you’ll hear me and see me.” Thinking about Tiffany made me all hot with emotion. She gave me the phone.

“It’s a missed call, but she texted and said to call her.” She was right. Call me as soon as you can. I grabbed a chair and threw open the window, letting a rush of air to fill our heated dorm. I looked at my phone like I had just finished my workout. My fingers hovered over the call button. What do I say? I was the one who broke up with her, I didn’t need to be nervous, yet it’s been so long and I was so deprived. “You’re taking forever.” Sunny snatched my phone and pressed the green for me. My nerves went straight to my brain.

“Sunny! What the Hell! !” The tone was screeching straight to my brain.

“I’ll be right here, but don’t let that hold you back.”

“What—?!”

“TaeTae?” Everything stopped, just to listen to her voice. A little lower than the average girl’s, but damn was it soothing. The pitch alone calmed me down. I let out a breath before stopping myself. “I can hear your breathing.” I let out another breath to stabilize my throat.

“You wanted me to call you back?” I sighed in relief as my voice maintained composure. She hummed, the vibration rolling in my ears.

“I miss you.” Feelings suddenly erupted in my chest, spilling into my veins, and I started shaking my leg and biting my lip. It’s been a while since I felt anything close to that.

“Tiffany…” What do I even say?

“What ever happened to us being friends before lovers? What happened to that?” she whimpered and I tried crossing my legs, but that didn’t feel comfortable, so I leaned on my knees.

“I don’t think we should be friends…” I closed my eyes to try and ignore Sunny’s judgmental stare.

“What happened to us, Tae?” I didn’t know. “You once called me your best friend, don’t you still feel that way? Don’t you still need me? Don’t you still care about me?” I dragged my hand down my cheeks, trying to shake the image of Tiffany on her phone, a hand tangled in her sweats.

“Of course I do, but I need time. Doesn’t it hurt you to contact me like this? Can’t you understand?” I mumbled, holding my chair like a habit.

“I can’t get you out of my head.” I fell back and hit my head, tears flying from my lashes.

“That’s why I’ve let you go.”

“Is that a long-term decision?” I wasn’t sure. We weren’t together anymore and now we had drifted from our once tight friendship. If I got close to her again, I was scared of being vulnerable. It was different now that we were exes.

“It might be; it might not be.” I couldn’t give her a definite answer. I didn’t want to hurt her.

“Can’t you tell me what I did wrong?”

“Why are you still trying to mend that bridge?”

“Because I’m still in love with you.” I almost hung up on her, but I settled with placing my phone on the table. Get away, get away, get away. I tossed the chair aside and bent down with my head out the window. My breath flew with the wind, cheeks freezing in the breeze. In seconds, a hand was on my back. For a moment, I thought it was Tiffany.

“You’re okay, right? Not suicidal or anything? Please get away from the window,” she said and I let her drag me back inside, sliding me on the floor. My phone was pressed against my ear again and I sighed.

“Who was that?” No one else knows.

“My roommate, I switched to a double in winter quarter,” I replied and she let out a breath of her own. She must be jealous. I wanted to punch the part of me that felt butterflies again.

“Oh. Um, do you like it?” She’s not asking about Sunny?

“Yeah, I do. It’s nice having someone around to make the place homier.” It was true. My friends weren’t around, but at least I had someone to come back to. I ended things with my girlfriend, but at least I had someone to give me a hug. Sunny gave me the warm, confident, happy feeling I didn’t expect to find. But it was the best kind.

“I’m sorry I didn’t want you to have that experience,” Tiffany apologized gently. I wonder how much pride she had to swallow for that one.

“I understand why you didn’t want me to,” I replied, mindlessly checking the time. I already said that I needed time to be friends with her again, this shouldn’t take long. “Tiffany, we should end now. Was there anything you wanted to talk about other than everything else?”

“Why are you pushing me away?” I gripped my pants, scraping my nails against the fabric.

“I told you that I wasn’t happy being with you. Why can’t you accept that? Is it that hard for you to understand that I wanted more until I gave up? I gave up, Tiffany. Think about why.” I hung up. She didn’t call me back.

Sunny and I stayed up, caught in a movie marathon. Somewhere in the middle of the 3^rd Harry Potter movie, she leaned against me. It was nice to be touchy-feely with someone again, so I put my arm around her shoulders. “Why haven’t we slept together yet?” I snorted. That came out of nowhere.  

“Are you already in that experimental college phase?” I asked her and she shrugged, looping her arms around my waist. Buckbeak is damn cool. I wonder what house I’d be in…

“You know your way around another girl, don’t you? I’m curious and you’re single, how are we still clothed?” Man, flying like that must feel amazing. I should go paragliding sometime.

“Well, how does the thought of having with me sound?” Right over water? , that’d be hard to maintain, but simply being in the air should be enough.

“I don’t know, fine enough if Tiffany’s still calling you.” My muscles tensed, but it wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be. Maybe, I kinda hoped Sunny would bring up Tiffany’s name.

“How do you know that I had with her?” she leaned her head on my shoulder and I angled myself better.

“Like you would get down with anyone else.” I smirked. That’s true.

“You have the strangest names for ,” I chuckled, shaking my head. Why haven’t we slept together? From the get go, Sunny reminded me of Tiffany, even if it was only faint hints. A whisper of the smile, a tap of the fingers. She was attractive and we were close enough now, but not too much so that we’d only view each other as friends. Maybe she was even better than Tiffany, because she gave me a feeling I’d lost. No. Then, as fast as it came, the thought left me. I looked away from the screen, towards the window. “It wouldn’t work out.”

“Don’t knock it till you try it,” she poked my stomach and I touched her arm. No. I should’ve stopped myself when Tiffany first made her way into my heart. If I rejected her then, perhaps things would’ve turned out better for us. But I still felt a slight ping in my chest, a little longing. It’s different with Tiffany.  

“No, it would to wake up one day and not want to see you.”

I was wide awake when Sunny passed out, so I took another seat by the window. I played around with my phone, remembering the way it lit up with Tiffany’s name hours before. It was a very familiar feeling.

I shook the package a little before slipping out a cigarette. Sunny’s missing out. The smoke from my father left a wistful, mesmerizing scent in my childhood. I thought smoking would remind me of that, but it didn’t. My smoke was depressing and heavy, lingering on my skin even with the wind running against my cheeks. Maybe that’s why it’s so strong on Matt. I sighed and a pool of white bellowed from my lips. I smacked my lips. Gentle taps on the stick sent ashes flying into the air, falling into a glowing arc in the sky.