I pushed up the corners of my mouth. I let go. My lips drooped back down. What is going on with me? Why couldn’t I smile? I was getting frustrated. Smiling had always been so easy for me to do, what was wrong with today? Why was it today? I pressed my hand to my eyes and groaned. There was this little, tiny part in the back of my chest that didn’t hurt as badly. It was the part of me that understood what was going on, maybe a piece of my heart, but it was being selfish, and wouldn’t reveal the problem to my mind. That never happened. I never hid anything from myself. Why is this happening today? A ton of bricks fell on my body and I grunted in pain. “What the !”

“Sorry, Taeyeon,” Ji gasped, rolling off of me. I grimaced as he pressed against my bones, making them dig into the ground like bricks. Is it because I’m at track practice for the rest of the day? But I like it.

“You’re sweaty.” I was glad I covered up after I was done running my mile.

“Not all of us, are like you,” he gasped and started coughing. I threw a water bottle at him and he nearly drank the whole thing in one shot. Is it because we’re all tired and it hasn’t even been an hour since we started? But I’ve done worse than this. “I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with you if you don’t sweat.”

“It’s not that I don’t sweat, I just take a while to start sweating,” I corrected and he rolled his eyes. “How are you gonna hold up until seven when you’re already sweating like a pig?”

“Lots of water,” Zack snatched up a bottle, uncapped it, and waved it everywhere to make his own rain. I rolled away, but Ji simply sat there, drenched. I chuckled. It still didn’t feel right, so I stopped.

“Thanks.” The victim tossed his head back and forth, shaking like a dog. Am I not in good company? Now that’s just not true, my friends are great company.

“Don’t your legs hurt like a , Taeyeon?”

“No, not really.” Figuring out why I was so unhappy was more important than the burning ache in my calves. My phone buzzed. “Cover me.” Zack sat in between me and our coach’s line of sight as I checked the text message.

Fany: are you on break yet?

Tae: No, not yet. We’ll probably do more drills for another hour. Why?

I put my phone away and watched as the last of the runners collapsed on the green turf. Is it because this year’s runners aren’t as good as last year’s? But we’re not a team or anything, the only reason I joined track and field was because I was more self-improvement than competition. I wanted to reach inside my chest and squeeze my heart until it spilled whatever secret it was hiding from me. It wasn’t making me feel good. I pulled my phone out again.

Fany: I want to see you…

I wasn’t sure how I felt about this. I didn’t hide, it wasn’t who I was, at least not anymore. I didn’t want to go back to being the little kid who never spoke about her feelings. Tiffany said it wouldn’t happen. She said I was doing it for her, which I was, and that made it okay. So I obeyed. Being around Ji and Zack made me a little anxious. They were my friends and yet, I was nervous about saying something that inferred the new relationship I had with Tiffany.

Another hour later, we were given a generous 60 minutes for dinner, and I was forced to send my friends out of my car. “I have plans for dinner, I can’t hang with you guys,” I said, my lips. Is it because I’m feeling guilty? That was the best guess I had so far, but it still didn’t feel exactly right. It’s more than guilt, but at the same time, it’s also less than that…

“Are you serious, Taeyeon?” Ji frowned and the guilt hit me harder. They were tired and hungry and I was the one with the car. I can have a date with Tiffany another day.

“Hop in, we’re gonna meet up with Tiffany.”

Just from her eyes, I could tell I probably crossed a line. Tiffany glared at me the minute the three of us walked in but pushed it aside, greeting our other friends with a smile on her face. The longer dinner went, the more I felt like exploding. I was kind of glad that Ji was too tired to keep moving and sat beside her. If I took that spot, she could be punching me under the table and no one would know.

“We have to get going now,” I swallowed, checking my phone for the timer I set.

“Already?” Tiffany whined a little. “You guys haven’t even been eating that long…”

“Yeah, we have another hour of practice so we should get back. It took us like ten minutes to get here,” Ji nodded and we paid for all of our meals. I could feel Tiffany’s stare burning into my side.

“You two head to the car first, I’m gonna run to the bathroom,” I said, unlocking my van for them.

“Sure, hurry up though,” Zack pointed at me and they left. With the coast clear, Tiffany grabbed my arm and pulled me aside. .

“What the Hell was that?!” she hissed and I let out a deep sigh. A fight wouldn’t help my mood, but it was kind of my fault.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t say anything about us but they assumed we would all have lunch together and Ji was sweating a lot and Zack wanted food and I drive. I’m sorry, Fany-ah.” Did I even explain myself? I kissed her hand and she shook her head. I didn’t want to make her upset. My stomach churned when I saw her face. It was like a puppy. She gave me a small peck, pushing me back a little when I leaned in for more. Why can’t this be easier?

“Go practice, we’ll do this later,” she murmured and I hummed before stealing another kiss. I couldn’t get enough of her. “Babe…”

“I know, I know,” I whispered, letting her go before running out of the restaurant because I started dipping into our drive back time.

By the end of practice, I still couldn’t pinpoint the source of my moodiness. My heart wouldn’t cooperate; I was quite upset with it. My car was already parked in the driveway when I realized that I had a big assignment due for my poetry class. It was like a test, I had to write a poem that incorporated our unit idea. Can I still run away? But Tiffany’s car was here too so I forced my limbs to move, lugging my track bag over my shoulder. I greeted my parents and they pointed up to my room. She wants privacy. I don’t know if that’s good or not. My legs started to hurt and I wasn’t sure if it was an excuse or fatigue. Didn’t matter, the other girl opened the door for me. One look at her made me feel twice as weak. “I procrastinated with writing my poem, I need to get it done,” I blurted out and she rolled her eyes. I’m sorry. She stepped back and pointed at my desk, letting me drop my bags onto the floor. “I’m sorry, Hun, but please stay here. I need you as inspiration.”

“Sweet talk won’t get you anywhere, Kim Taeyeon,” she grumbled, falling back on my bed as I slid into my chair. “Why do I feel like you’re struggling with that class?”

“I’m not struggling, I’m good with poems so I kinda forget about doing them…” I swiveled around with a notepad and pencil and stared at Tiffany. She’s so pretty…focus.

“You’re not kidding?” her voice cracked and I shook my head as I wrote. For a while, the only sound was my pencil against paper. I enjoyed the feeling of writing, I liked the way my words came out from the sharpest tip of the pencil as bold script. I tried to focus on the face I always admired, the way her beauty took my breath away when she leaned against my pale blue walls. But when I leaned back to reread, I didn’t feel any connection with my writing. I sighed. Why can’t this be easier?

“I don’t like this,” I mumbled as a stone settled at the bottom of my stomach.

“Let me look at it then.”

“No, I’m talking about us.” I didn’t realize that was what I meant, but it made sense that I was upset about our relationship. It was so hard. Tiffany pushed away my blankets and sat up. I’m pretty sure her face looked a lot like mine. “I want to tell everyone that we’re dating now. I want people to be happy for us.”

“Tae…” she called my name for no reason, but it melted me a little bit. I’m pretty weak against her.

“It’s been weeks since we started this, why can’t we say anything?” I whimpered, my vision blurring like water and in moments her thumbs were brushing my wet cheeks. Tears were falling down but they were only coming from my eyes.

“You know we can’t…I can’t. I’m sorry,” she told me and I wanted to push her while holding her at the same time. It was like she was reaching into my chest, trying to bring my heart with her but it’s mine and I need it more. At least, that was what I thought. “I want you for myself.”

“Wouldn’t that be easier if we told people? Everyone would know that we’re both in a committed relationship!” I was getting lightheaded from all the water I was leaking.

“I…I’m not like you, Tae. My dad and my friends and everyone else, I can’t just take it like you can. But I want you for myself, I can’t see you with anyone else, so we need to do it this way.”

“Tiffany, whenever we sneak around like this, whenever I dodge my friends I feel so lonely. I feel so alone.” Being lonely made no sense, I had Tiffany, I had my friends, I had my family, why was I feeling lonely? But it’s not enough. My heart was still hiding something, I could tell. I needed to dig more.

“No, no you’re not alone, TaeTae. I promise, I promise I’ll always be here for you. I know it’s hard for you, but please. If you want to cry I’ll be here, if you want to make out I’ll be here. I’m here for you, with you. Just call me, okay?” she kissed me, hungrily, desperately, the goal to steal my breath away. I was a little desperate too, but I wasn’t sure why.

Poems and rhymes long forgotten, Tiffany’s fingers were igniting something from somewhere deep inside of me. I squirmed under her touch. “Fany…” she dragged her hand from my navel, between my s, and slipped onto my nape. I breathed in a little too hard and almost coughed. Hold it in. She leaned down to kiss me again. Before Hailey, it had been a long time since I kissed anyone. I forgot how much I loved the feeling of someone else’s lips between my own. I forgot how much it excited me. My eyes drifted into the back of my head as I felt Tiffany’s bare skin in my hands, on my stomach, tangled in my legs. My brain was toppling over on its side like a drunkard.

“Babe.” The girl was driving me insane. “, is the door locked?” she gasped, holding my head as we rolled over. I gripped my blankets. God, don’t talk.

“A little too late for that, isn’t it?” We were both pretty much topless but Tiffany was making it hard for my bra to stay on. I kissed her neck, knowing how much she quivered when I did, but she pushed me off. The gnawing feeling in my body quickly returned and it worked fast on my mood.

“Go check,” she insisted and I groaned, walking on jelly as I checked for the turned lock. It was already done. Jesus Christ I can’t even feel myself. I ran back to the bed as fast as I could. “Is it done?”

“Mm,” I moaned into her shoulder, hoping Tiffany’s skin was enough of a sound barrier. She’s so soft… A sweet spark ignited in my stomach as I pressed my lips even further into her shoulder. I couldn’t get enough of her.

“I missed you a lot…” her lips brushed my temple and I held her tighter. Her words kinda hurt.

“I missed you too,” I sighed, my heart thumping against hers like feet against the pavement.

“Tae…” she pulled my chin up. I swallowed. Her gaze was so determined, heightening the sensation in my chest. She tugged me forward. “I love you.” It’s because of Tiffany.

Maybe my heart had a point of not telling me what was wrong; all I wanted to do was try to cover it up, pretend it wasn’t there, but it was. It was Tiffany. She was weighing me down; I felt so stuck. It’s her fault that I’m constantly waiting for a text whenever she’s not around. It’s her fault I can’t smile at a picture of her, in fear it’d be too suspicious. It’s her fault I don’t feel safe talking with my friends. It’s her fault that I have to compromise on the publicity of our relationship just to make her stay with me.

Before I could hold back, Tiffany was already a part of me. Yet I could only have her behind closed doors, in locked rooms, with the clock ticking. I could only have her when our friends looked away, when my family wasn’t around, when we were alone. In company, she was just one of my best friends that never touched more than necessary. I craved for more. But then her face came back into focus, her almond eyes holding anticipation for my response. This is enough.

“I love you too.”

Her head leaned against my shoulder. I fixed her position so she wouldn’t notice I was gone and slipped out of bed. I put on some clothes and took my notepad and pencil from the desk. I opened the window a little and sat on the sill. It was five in the morning, the sun had already woken up but I could still see half of the moon as it melted against the pale blue sky.