(1,557 words)

Jonghyun’s P.O.V.

I can’t even begin describe how I’m feeling.

Betrayed, for one. Intensely betrayed in ways I’d never felt. It was worse than when I believed my mother died because she’d been lying the whole time and had thought that my father and I were repulsive. Worse than when my father left me with my ajeossi. It was a deep, burning feeling in my heart, which seemed to be scattered all over the place.

Disgusted, that was definitely one of the feelings settling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t help but wonder how somebody could just give something like that up to someone they didn’t even love. To see K-Key (how it hurt to even think his name) and that random guy come in harmony like that. Bile began to rise up my throat at the sight. Unless Key loved that man, and had lied to me. In swoops betrayal to ruin the day again.

The thought also spawned a stronger feeling I was more or less familiar with. Hurt. I hurt all over. Physically, because I’d pounded my fists against the brick wall of the school until they bled, and my arms ached with soreness. Physically, because I’d had my head resting on this table for so long I could feel an unfriendly kink begin to grow in the back.

The worst part of hurt was the emotional kind. I hurt because of Key. How he could go .. go someone like that? Without even breaking up with me, or even fighting with me at all. Maybe if we’d clashed or something, it wouldn’t hurt so much. He would have a reason. A stupid reason to go behind my back, but a reason nonetheless.

It hurt to think that he was a . A . A . It hurt to think I’d fallen in love with him. It hurt to act like this, and not run back into his arms, forgiving him immediately. It hurt to think, feel, and act a lot of things right now. I wasn’t too sure how to deal with it. I mean, I have always been able to figure out how to get past all the physical stuff. Makeup and good lying skills helped with that.

But how do you get rid of this lingering hurt? How do you fall out of love with someone? Is it even possible? Maybe this isn’t love. Maybe it’s just me fooling myself into thinking I’d loved him, and he’d loved me. Maybe I was dreaming, and I would wake up in my uncle’s bathroom after he broke my jaw. There were so many possibilities. I could wake up in Key’s arms, and the whole thing with Minho and Taemin could also have been a dream. That seemed like the best possible outcome.

But I knew it wasn’t true. This wasn’t a dream and I wasn’t going to wake up and suddenly have my prince charming back. I probably won’t ever have my Key back. My Key. How quickly I became accustomed to calling him that! Really he’d probably never been mine. He belonged to himself. He’d probably never considered me his.

Or maybe he had. I was his little fling. Someone to toy with for a bit and then toss out into a vat of acid like dirty laundry. A teaser. Dangling something in my face and then right when I’d half-grasped it, yanking it away, leaving harsh burns and major injuries behind. Nobodypermanent.

Maybe the guy he was with was his real boyfriend, lover, whatever you want to call it. But then why wasn’t he there now? Maybe going for a second round? Was he here trying to redeem respect from his other friends? Or Onew hyung? If only I knew.

Maybe it would help me be more at peace with myself.

One quarter of me wanted to completely avoid the boy. Maybe until I was thirty. Not make any contact, just downright ignore. It was an easy one to accept, if I could. It would be kind of hard though, to completely disregard everything he did. Y’know, being in love with him and all.

Another quarter wanted to just lash out at him. Hit him, whip hurtful words into his face, and make him feel like dirt. Pick on him at every chance I got. But I didn’t want to see the hurt expression on his face every time.It would slowly begin to kill me inside, and I would probably end up hurting myself physically.

The third quarter wanted to forgive him right away. To get up out of this damned chair and run into his arms. To forget about everything that had just happened, disregard it for nothing and just go on with life. But that won’t make me happy. There will always be that picture, and that doubt. Is he out with someone else? Are his words really sincere?

The last section of me is the most reasonable. It’s the one I’m acting out. I’m going to just part myself from him for a while. Try and find myself again. Let him mull over what he’s done. Maybe sometime in the future, God knows how long from now, I’ll be able to go back.

I only hope he isn’t hurting as much as me.

That was something I didn’t want. I didn’t want him to hurt too. It defeats the purpose of everything. If both sides hurt, then they should just make-up and get over themselves. But I was positive he couldn’t hurt as much as me. I mean, I was also facing the fact of homelessness.

“Where will I live .. “ I groaned subconsciously, and I heard Aecha-noona softly call Onew’s name. Deep inside I was happy for them, but really I just wanted to be happy like that. I heard footsteps walking towards me, and lifted my head as soon as I heard a slight stumble, confirming it was Onew. His girlfriend said something to him and he furrowed his eyebrows, and looked at me funny.

“What do you mean ‘where will I live’?” He asked me, and I bit my lip. Could I trust him? Would he understand? I hoped he wouldn’t go to my uncle’s house or something. Too much to deal with. Too much to think about. I swear my brain is going to explode in about three seco-“Jonghyun? Were you living at Key’s house?” I simply nodded. “Why?”

“My uncle kicked me out.” I said, and avoided his gaze again. It was true, and I desperately hoped that he wouldn’t ask further. Having one person know about my misfortune was bad enough. But three? I don’t want to burden other people with my problems.

“Taemin might let you live with him. Other than uh, Kibum’s umma, Taemin’s is the most easygoing.” Onew seemed as if to want to avoid his name. I wished he did. Even his real name sent spasms down my spine, in my heart. It felt as if I was being ripped apart and slowly, slowly being put back together. When I was close to being repaired I was torn apart again, worse than the time prior.

I saw Onew consult with Aecha-noona, and said something about him. I wasn’t really listening, didn’t want to know. The information registered with my brain anyways. My Key had told Onew he wasn’t going to bother the leader with such problems and left to go find Minho. I put my head back against the cool surface of the table and closed my eyes as the older boy pulled out his phone to call Taemin, or Minho, or someone.

I think I fell asleep. Because when I opened my eyes I was at Taemin’s house. I had no idea how they got me there. Did Onew carry me? I’ve never really looked at his arms, to see if they’re strong or something. But I was in the maknae’s room, and he was sitting on the bed beside me, just staring at my face.

“Mmh .. ? Taemin?” I heard myself say as I slowly propped myself against the headboard of his bed in a sitting position. His vision seemed to come back into focus and he shook his head slightly, a sad little smile daunting his face. I smiled sadly back, though I’m kinda thinking it came out as somewhat a grimace.

“I heard what happened .. “ He said, and the mental picture of Key and that guy came slamming back into my memory. I shut my eyes, trying to block it out unsuccessfully. So I just opened and looked at Taemin, biting my quavering lip and nodding. He pulled me into a hug as soon as I broke into tears. When I settled myself again, I found a slight headache begin to grow in my head. I wanted to sleep more. So I closed my eyes and tried to rest into the blackness. Taemin kept talking.

“Key dropped by before Onew came. He said he was going to see Minho and there was nothing I could do about it.” He said, and I tried to block out his voice unsuccessfully. His next words had me shooting out the door of his bedroom.

“He said he was going to have Minho put him out of his misery.”

OOH CLIFFHANGER~ kekeke. First chapter of the new year! Happy 2012 guys! Hope your year is great and you live to see many more happy ones! ^^

OMFG DID YOU GUYS SEE THE SHINEE IS BACK PERFORMANCE OMFG I DIED. ASDFGHJKLHF. If you haven't seen it here's a Jonghyun-focused version~:

SHIIIT. SO aaay~

-twarry♥