A/N: This chapter is not part of the main story.

27th of May 2016

7 months, 3 weeks and 4 days since I have broken-up with Baekhyun.

3 months, 2 weeks and 6 days since I've last seen his face.

People would find it concerning that I counted all these days, but for me, it's not. Everytime I go to bed, I realize that another day without Baekhyun just ended. He's in my mind. Every.single.night. I become so familiar with this feeling of longing, of emptiness after he left, it's no longer something I worry about, it slowly become part of my being. Those nights with tears. They surely become part of my everyday life.

It seems that there's no end to my sadness and I feel like a complete fool. I am suffering so miserably, over a person. One person. Just one person succeeded in turning my life outside down in a way that appears to be irrevocable. It's funny because I have always been prideful. I was always strong. I was always in control. But not now.  I feel like I'm not myself anymore. And this should be concerning. But it's not. I am too dead on the inside to worry about that.

I feel like I am rejecting life as a whole. I have been preparing for my solo and I've been stocked in the practice room for two months or so and I only see the light of the day when I go in and out of it. The day, I force my body off to work on my dance moves, at night I go to bed and cry in loneliness. It had become a sickening routine I despise, but hate to interrupt. Going on all these useless events SM arranges for me gives me more stress than relief. Being in front of the camera started to piss me off more than ever, but I have to smile. For my fans at least. I hate to disappoint them. They want me to be happy, so that's what want I give them, a happy look. Even if I am dying on the inside. It's ok! I don't want them to worry over me uselessly. I don't want them to see how weak I am. I want to be the forever shining Kim Taeyeon in front of their eyes.

3rd of June 2016

Exactly 4 months had passed and I finally saw him.  He was happy. That's what I saw from him at least. His beautiful brown orbs didn't find my direction all day. But just the sight of him was enough for the fire inside my heart to bury me alive even deeper. I couldn't sleep that night thinking of him. He was at only one floor distance and the thought of it made every fiber in my body shiver. What is he thinking about now? Is he sleeping? Is he tired? He danced so well today at SM Town, he must be. I hope he eats well. And he's happy. No, I don't want him to be happy. I want him to suffer as much as I do. But that would be awful for me to wish for, right? Ah, the thought of him being well and good while I am stressing every piece of myself because of him pains me so much. But I can't wish him bad either.

I just wish I didn't know him. I wish he didn't sing to me that night, I wish his hand wouldn't find mine that night. I wish he didn't kiss me with so much passion that night. Cause now I would have been just like before. Without those stupid sleepless nights, without those ugly dark circles around my eyes, without my pride being crushed.

This night is getting deeper,

And there's a promise I can't forget,

Your warm embrace

Goodbye!

I remember the lyrics of my own song. I liked 'Rain'. As soon as I heard the jazzy rhythm and those lyrics, I couldn't help but pick it up from the sea of songs different composers preyed me with.

I wish I didn't relate to my songs right now. But that's why they are my songs in the first place, because I relate to them.

I sigh.

7th of June 2016

Today my heart barely handled everything.

I drifted apart of my group and spent some time with Heechul, Key and Suho in the waiting room of Mid-Year festival. I was having an unexpected good time with my boys after a long time when Baekhyun randomly entered the room whistling. I could feel his face features getting rougher when his eyes found my figure. I shivered. His presence right next to me made my whole system froze. I don't know if it was my imagination only, but the room become silent for a second. The guys greeted Baekhyun with welcoming smiles and I just mumbled a 'Hi!' trying not to look too awkward in front of him. But I surely did by the way he looked at me. I don't know what to believe. When we are far from each other, he is not looking for me anymore as he used to and when we are close, he looks so uncomfortable. I doubt that he has reasons to dislike me, but I guess he doesn't find my company agreeable.

The boys were chatting and I listened to them with a half absent mind. I couldn't stand their proximity anymore so I took a seat on the couch in the room. My face must have been so pale already.

'Didn't you see how she looked at you dude? Why didn't you confess already?' I heard Heechul's voice turning to Baekhyun.

'You’re a stupid fool, you know, she'll totally want it…' Key continued, slapping the younger's back.

They were trying to be subtle so I couldn't hear every word they said, but it was enough for me to understand. They were talking about Baekhyun's new love interest.

I can't believe it. How could they talk about things like these knowing I, his ex-girlfriend, am in the room? But I wouldn't be surprised if they considered me heartless. That's how I am a lot of times, I can't deny that.

But I hurt. I hurt so bad. How could there be other woman the object of Baekhyun's admiration? How? The loving way he used to look at me. How can this be for another woman? There is not a woman in this world that is allowed to be loved by Baekhyun, except of me.

There was a rumor around that Baekhyun is having a crush on someone else, but I refused to believe it. I denied it as much as I could, but it seems that I have now to face the reality.

Part of my intuition told me all this talk was made about my Red Velvet junior, Bae Joohyun. I don't know, I feel like the way he looked at her in those very rare occasions was similar to the way he used to look at me. But was it the same? No! Not at all. That's what I believe at least. He never looked at any other woman the way he looked at me. He never loved a woman as much as he loved me. At least, that's what I believed. That's what he made me believe.

But, now, everything's gone. He'll never look at me the same way anymore and it's killing me.

He might want to have a new love. But how can I blame him? Except of the popularity, Bae Joohyun is better than me in anything and I accept that wholefully. She is his age, so he won't be ashamed of dating an ahjumma, she's prettier, uses warmer words, heck, she even cooks. I guess she will be able to take better care of him than I did. She won't lose him foolishly like I did. She shall love him better than I did.

All these thoughts made me want to cry right there, but I did my best not to. The prideful Kim Taeyeon won't be sharing any tear in front of anyone!

I suddenly hear Key's voice greeting me goodbye. I was taken by surprise, I just could take a grimace at the boys' backs as they were leaving the room. Last in the row was Baekhyun who looked kind of confused if he should leave or not.

Suho closes the door forcing Baekhyun to stay in the room. He turned to look at me, but he continued on being confused. He opened his mouth a few times but no words escaped from it. I thought I knew what he wants to tell me.

'Baek?' I found myself calling for him.

'Nae, noona! What's happening?' Baekhyun comes near me as soon as my voice penetrated his ears.

'You know you can date other girls if you like, we're not a thing anymore, you know?' I tell him while facing the ground.

I knew this is what he wants, being free from me. I'll let him have this freedom, so I can then be free myself.

I sensed an expression change on his face, but he quickly pulled off a fake smile. I knew it was fake, I know him so well...

'You don't have to get these things straight, I already know.'

I don't know what kind of response I expected. He said exactly what he was expected to say, yet it was more hurtful than I expected it to be.

'Er..I guess I'll leave now!?' I said more like a question. The awkwardness between us got unbearable.

'As you wish, noona!' he responded coldly.

Because of my throbbing heart and my 10 cm high heels, I felt myself tripping and almost falling as I was heading to the door. But Baekhyun's strong arms caught me in time.

He didn't let me go, he dragged me closer to his body as my back was facing him. He was holding me so tightly, that my racing heart was about to break from my chest. I was afraid he would hear the uncontrollable beats of my heart so I broke the breath-taking hug and simply faced him. Our bodies were still just centimeters apart, I could feel his warm breathing hitting my face. He was looking straight into my eyes with a stare that reminded me of our old times. I was too lost in his brown orbs that I didn't even know how, his lips arrived on mine.

I gasped.

He started to kiss me with a passion that blew my mind, my head got blank. It was so heavenly, I-I..

I wrapped my hands around his neck, gluing my body with his as he deepened the kiss. I couldn't process anything, just let him dominate me. His lips were massaging, no, on mine as his hands went up and down on my lower back. I felt my whole body firing up at his touch. I missed this so bad. I missed him so bad.

The steps of someone approaching the room echoed, we pulled away as soon as we hear the sound of the doorknob. I was panting heavily from the kiss and I looked at Baekhyun who was trying to recollect himself.

My head was still spinning as I left the room, awkwardly greeting EXO's manager that must have looking for Baekhyun.

I can't sleep now. But how am I expected to sleep at all? Hope is eating me alive when it shouldn't.

His kiss, the feel of his lips on mine, it can't leave me, I can't stop thinking how I wanted more. I wanted him next to me. I want to cuddle next to him right now. I want to hear his voice telling me good night once again. 

I stood on my knees and put my palms together.

I could only Pray.

Here it comes...my song.

17th of June

The rumors about Baekhyun's new girlfriend spread around like fire in SM Company and of course, they reached my ears in no time.

I don't care.

No, I don't.

I don't believe this at all. 

Then why am I having my eyes teary in the darkness of my practice room? I don't know.

My back-up dancers arrived and we started to practice once again. My eyes were filled with an inexplicable anger as I was giving my all to those dance moves. I know myself, I work the best when I am happy and when I am angry.

He kissed me, just a while ago. He hugged me so closely, only to hear he might be seeing someone else.  I hate him. Even if I knew very well I shouldn't have my hopes up, I still hated him.

My heart is ripped into thousand pieces. Way worse than it was before.

19th of June

I am miserable with the thoughts of him. It's just been 2 days since the big news and it affects me so much that I can't even practice properly. Is it true? I tried to find out, but there isn't a clue.

Who is she? Because from the sight of it, it's not Bae Joohyun. And not anyone I'd know directly.

Why is he protecting her identity so much? Poor girl, she probably believes I am going to pull her hair or something. Of course I wouldn't do that, but it's not like I am not capable of it. Awkward chuckle.

He is in the middle of the comeback how does he even have time to date?

Well, he has time. He always had time for me. Even during Overdose era, during Kris' departure. He always made time for me. And I wanted to make it worth it, I wanted to support him, to make him stronger.

It's crazy, how long had passed since then? 2 Years. Exactly 2 years since we were revealed.

So much had changed since then. I remember that day so well. The way he basically run to my dorm when he heard my cry on the phone. The way he took me in his comforting arms and wiped my tears. The promise he made me. The way we made love afterwards. Everything was so beautiful back then. Even if we were in pain, we were together. Now I am alone and still in pain.

2nd of July 2016

My first stage of 'Why' was pretty much a mess and I can't blame anyone but my own person. I, once again, let nervousness get the best of me. It was the first time I danced without the girls backing up my mistakes. I expected it to be hard, but not this kind of hard. But I know I can be a better performer than that. I worked my off, I can't be lackluster, I want to give the best of me, I want people to know that I deserve all the praise that it's given to me.

As I was hanging my bandana around my head for Music Core performance, I hear the door open. I don't even flinch. I know it must be my manager calling for me to go on stage.

But it wasn't.

When getting up from my make-up table, I see Baekhyun standing in the door frame of my waiting room. What was even shocking, he was wearing a Goryeo traditional outfit.

'B-Baek...' I mumbled.

'Er...I...' He was looking at me not knowing what to say, he was nervous and so was I. Is there a need to say how fast his appearance made my heart beat? Especially how handsome he looked in his prince outfit? He looked like he come straight out of a fairy tale.

'Did your manager talked about it with you?' he finally asked.

'About what?'

'SM made a deal for you to sing the OST for my drama.'

'Yeah, I heard it a while ago!''

'I heard it today, I rushed here from the nearby filming platform as soon as I hear it.' He confessed.

'Ehm..that's cool? I guess!' he was getting way too excited, I was afraid I might jump in his arms from the happiness, so I cut him out coldly.

'You are singing for my first drama, it feels just like a dream!' he said as he grabbed my wrist and drag me closer to him. His voice was suddenly serious.

No! I screamed in my head, don't do this to me again, Baek.

But I inevitably got lost in his eyes. Damn, Taeyeon! You are such a weakling for him.

'I am so happy to sing for you, for your drama, Baek! I really am!'

He didn't touch me, but I swear I would have smashed my lips to his right away if it wasn't for the people rushing down the hall that might see us.

I feel him violently pushing me inside the room, closing the door. I was surprised by his sudden movement, he grabbed me and quickly tasted my red lips. I didn't even have time to respond to it. He just pecked, then re-opened the door and backed up.

'Good luck for your performance today!' He said at me smiling innocently and leaving me looking at him with shock.

'Kim Taeyeon on stage in 1 minute!' I hear Shosho screaming at me not too long after.

Baekhyun ed up my lips, I should do them again. I really should hurry.

6th of July 2016

I think I am living the happiest times of my life right now. Finally, I had my fist solo concert! Of course, The Agit counts as a solo concert too, but it was more like a fanmeet sizeed one. Butterfly Kiss on the other hand, is the first serious concert I've done on my own. It's so similar, yet so different from the concerts with my group. The main difference must be the feeling. Being the star of the show I arranged, singing the songs I chose and I loved, it's such an overwhelming feeling. 

There is nothing that can stop me now from being happy, not even those rumors about Baekhyun’s girlfriend.  Even if I admit it still bothers me, I tried to shut my thoughts of him, because now all I should do is focus on giving my best on the concert. These 2 days, I should be as fresh as possible. I know I can do it.

15th of July

Tiffany come in with the news I looked for a month now, about Baekhyun's new girlfriend. He's apparently seeing this supporting actress from Moon Lovers cast that I've never heard the name of, but must be really pretty since Tiffany said the girl have dated some other idols in the past.

I didn't search for her at all and didn't let Tiffany tell me that much about her.

I don't want to know.

I should just accept it and try to move on with my life. I am getting really pathetic now. He's living his life and I have all the right to do so. Now that I am free from the comeback and concert too, I should go out and find someone else for me. My relationship with Baekhyun is over. I should replay this in my mind,

 IT'S OVER.

4th of August 2016

Ah, I guess I should have done that, didn't I? But what do I even expect for myself at this point? What should I expect from him at this point to be honest?

I was in SM building that night. SM called me, Tiffany and Seohyun to talk about the upcoming TTS comeback. This is the last thing I want, preparing for a TTS comeback. Not that I don't like to work with the girls, but I just finished with my solo and I am back in the practice rooms. I like to work, but this is seriously enough. I feel as overworked as I was during SNSD's peak time.

It's not the case to start practicing now though. We just gathered to talk about the dates, nothing is really settled yet.

Tiffany and Seohyun left but I stayed in a little longer because SM wanted to discus with me about a potential release of my song 'Pray'.  They rejected it at first saying that it's too weak of a song, so I was utterly disappointed, but I guess they just wanted to keep it for something bigger. Writing your music is a good mediaplay after all.

After finishing the negotiation, I randomly passed by EXO's practice room. It was 11PM already and it was quiet and dark, the members must have gone home by now. Automatically, I stopped to look through the crack of the door and I only saw Baekhyun. I would have left the place by now, but I couldn't. The sight Baekhyun was offering me was too much for me to handle. He was topless, his solid abs were showing as drips of water from his hair were rolling off the side of his face and neck. I was completely stunned by how toned his body looked.

I realized that he saw me so I had the urge to run as fast as my legs can, but I didn't because it would have been even more awkward. The door opened fully and I got face to face with him. Baekhyun looked at me questioningly. I froze. He knew the fact I was peeking at him and his body, so I could only blush and face the ground.

I was taken by surprise when he cupped my face and made me look into his shinning eyes.

'Ah, you are even prettier when you blush, I've always told you that!' he said, making me blush even harder. My face must have been as red as burning fire.

'Stop it!' I whispered putting my hands on his and removing them from my face gently.

He smirked at me. Even if he must have been tired, he looked so perfect. His smile, his wet hair, his arms, it was hard for me to breath. His proximity was making be go crazy.

I shouldn't have done that. I shyly went closer and kissed him. But I backed away as soon as I saw he didn't respond to it. I was so embarrassed, I wanted the vanish into thin air. I made steps from him, I was so ready to run away but he grabbed my wrist and pushed my back to the wall near his dressing room.

My mind didn't have time to process anything, he smashed his lips to mine violently, adrenaline rushed through my body. He dramatically slowed down his pace and that's when I started to respond to it. The kiss we shared in the Mid-Year festival waiting room had nothing on this one. The way he was kissing me was beyond words, my whole body was getting weak, my knees were jelly-like, I could hardly stay still. He dominated my lips, then my wet cavern, his talented tongue was tasting every part of my mouth, his hands were all over my body.

We pulled away while breathing heavily. I felt Baekhyun's fingers ing the three bottoms of my shirt. He was impatient, the fabric of my shirt was about to rip off with his shaking hands.

I took the courage and I cupped his face this time.

'What about your girlfriend, Byun?' I asked.

I knew this is going to stop him and this is the last thing I want right now, when I am so needy for him, but I don't want this confusion to go any further.

'What girlfriend?' he asks me in return.

'That girl from Moon Lovers!?'

'Oh, that girl? I hanged out with her, I like her!' he responded.

'THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STUFF TO ME?' my scream echoed through the dark and empty hall.

'I MIGHT LIKE HER BUT I LOVE YOU AND THAT'S WHAT I AM SURE!' he screamed back.

'I love you!' he whispered. 'Do you know how hard was for me? It was 8 months and 2 weeks since we have broken up and I can't do anything, but miss you. I see you in every girl I take a liking in. But then I realize I don't like them because of themselves, I like them because they are similar to you. Look, this girl has the same mouth shape as my Taenggu, this girl likes noodles, just like my Taenggu. this girl listens to this band, just like my Taenggu. I don't like them, not even talking about loving them, you are the only one I love!'

I got goosebumps. I was feeling so happy and warm on the inside, I knew his words are sincere. I did my best not to cry.

'Then that's why you should let me go.' I mumbled. I knew, that's what is the best to say.

'There's no use in holding into this, it's not healthy for any of us, you know that? Set me free, Baekhyun, we should both be free!'

Baekhyun put his hands off me and looked at me with unreadable eyes. Then he faced the ground. I could feel his heart breaking in million pieces and so was mine.

'I completely understand, Taeyeon! If this is what you wish, then I'd follow your words! I won't bother you from now on!'

He stayed still for a second and then whispered me good bye.

I inhaled deeply as I saw him entering his dressing room. I didn't want this to happen at all, I know this is right, but this is not what I really want, I want him back, I..

'Hmm, you still have the job unfinished!' I find myself saying and closing my eyes in embarrassment, I am seriously so stupid.

When I finally opened my eyes, he was already face to face to me again and smirking.

'What did I do to deserve such a bipolar behavior from you?' he asked with a cute tone.

'I wouldn't be this bipolar if our relationship wasn't so ed up.'

'I don't care! All I want is make love to you...fast and deep!'

That's when he put his hands behind my tights and hoisted me up. I was taken aback, but I wrapped my legs around his waist firmly. He carried me into his dressing room and gently placed me on the huge couch in the middle of the room.

'It's very late, I think they're going to lock us in the company building!' he said while he was on top of me, his fingers playing through my hair.

'I couldn't care less, take me now, stupid Byun!'

And I drag him by the neck and kiss him roughly.

4AM in the morning and I am finally back in my dorm. I jump in my bed and bury my head in the pillow. I am so ing happy, I'd go on the roof top and shout it for everyone to hear!!!

I can't though, it's 4AM, Tiffany and Sunny would beat the crap out of me if I wake them up at this hour.

But I honestly don't know what to do to let out my excitement. It was perfect! His breathless voice telling me he loves me while making love, the marks he left all over my neck and I don't know how to cover now, then his tender hug, his empty promises that I fall for over and over again. It's so...

I lay on my back and look at the plain white ceiling of my bedroom.

So? What's next? Where are we heading to now?

I don't know.

We only know to kiss and make love, we never resolve our problems. We are so immature! Maybe that's why people said we won't last long in the first place...

Our relationship is still ed up, but we love each other and that's what is important, right?

Maybe if we weren't revealed to the public, if we didn't receive hate, if we weren't under so much pressure, maybe it would have been all different now...

I sigh.

I know that I love him and after tonight I am more than sure he does too. I will always be there for him, I'll always look at him with hope. Love will always find a way. I am sure it will.

'YAH! KIM TAEYEON!'

I hear Tiffany's loud and annoying voice calling my name in the morning. I half open my eyes, only to see both Tiffany and Sunny sitting at the edge of my bed.

'Hmmm...' I manage to say and close my eyes again.

'Wake up, our performance starts in one hour!' Sunny says this time.

'Sorry, guys, you can go without me!' 

'You usually wake up just fine, what did you do last night?' Tiffany asks.

I didn't answer.

'Aigoo, look at that fishy grin that appeared on her face!' she says to Sunny.

Her words made me smile even wider, that's why I took the side of my blanket and hide my face.

'Yah! Wake up!' Sunny says and gets the blanket off my face.

'Ok, ok! I'm awake!' I said as I got up. 'Now, you can go!'

My members leave the room.

After going to the bathroom, I take a sit at my make-up table and look myself in the mirror.

I think of him again. What is he doing now? How is he feeling?

I put on my flashy costume and check myself for the last time, no matter what happens in my heart, I still have to pull off a show.

The show must go on.

_________________________________________________________________________

Hey, guys! It's been a long time since I last updated, isn't it? How have you been?

Thank you for the ones that asked about me in the meantime. I am doing fine. My exams finished and I am really contented with myself since I entered the Uni I wanted (yeah, I really had to show it off!:D).

I am having much more free time lately, but I am not really inspired in writing. It's strange, when I was stressed studying for my exams, I've had this urge of writing and had a lot of ideas and everything, but now when I actually get the time, my mind is blank.

Thank you for finishing yet another chapter of my story! I hope you liked it. This particular chapter was a story started on a whim. You know, I was wondering about Baekyeon, about what they are in real life.

I really love these two, separately and together. I think about them a lot. I always wonder what is their relationship status, what do they feel for each other now.

This chapter is pretty much my view over their current relationship. I wonder if it is close to their reality. I wish it was, even if it's not really a perfect one. 

Please comment to motivate me!