My body trembled listening to the doctor’s verdict. “Mr Kim, you are in stage four of cancer. The cancer had spread from your spine to the rest of the organs. That explains why you are feeling more pain in your back. I would recommend you starting Radiation therapy immediately.”

“What is my survival rate?” I asked, surprising calm.

“Well with the therapy maybe 30%”, the doctor replied.

“How long do I have?” I asked again.

“With no treatment, maybe 3 months, with treatment at least another 6 months.” The doctor said.

“Thanks” I started to walk out of the room.

“Please, let’s start the treatment immediately.” The doctor requested.

“Give me a day to think about it” I replied.

I walked out the hospital. The sun was shining but I could not feel the heat. I had cancer. The rest of running man will be laughing their heads off. The person who was the most health conscious had cancer. What a joke! I started to laugh at the joke that heaven played on me. I thought of my mother, my family, my friends, they will feel so sad.

And Ji Hyo, the person I love but yet I hadn’t confessed my love as I couldn’t find a right moment. Someone I knew loves me too and quietly waiting for me. What should I do? 3 or 6 more months on earth didn’t make a difference. I am going to cause sadness to so many people. No, I need all of them to forget about me. Forget there is a Kim Jong Kook ever visited earth, especially, Ji Hyo. She didn’t deserve to feel sad for a coward.

I wanted to bring her out on a date, as my last wish before I cut all ties with the whole world. So I can remember the happy moments I had with her in my last days. That will be enough for me. And hopefully be enough for her. I am sorry Ji Hyo that I am selfish. Forgive the selfish and coward me.

I tendered my resignation on running man to the manager of the variety shows, claiming health problems and I need to take a break to recover. I requested the news to be kept as a secret until I am officially left the team. I insisted this will be best for the show. He respected my decision, for that I am thankful to him.

On the day of my last recording, I waved my last good byes to all my beloved friends. I hugged each and everyone. They are surprised at my sudden show of affection. I also took the chance to ask Ji Hyo for a date the next date, she gracefully accepted. I was glad.

We had a special dinner, one I knew she enjoyed. Then I bought her to the aquarium. I had specially requested the aquarium to open for us at night. We had such a happy time at the aquarium. After that, I took her to han river. I used to only sit in the car with my ex. But this time, I took her for a walk along the river. We talked so much, and I wished the night would never end.  But time is heartless and soon it’s time to send her home and end the date. She finally asked me what the occasion. I just smiled and waved good bye to her. She suddenly gave me a kiss on the cheek before running out of the car shyly. Thanks goodness, she didn’t see my tears as I silently wished her all the best and said goodbye forever to her. I thanked her for all the lovely memories that she given to me and wished she will forget the heartless me forever.

I had less than 1 month left now, and even the drugs could not stop my pain. I need to find my eternity resting place. I told my mum I am going to US to record my album and also do some courses there and I won’t be back in Korea for a year. My mum had wanted to go with me but I insisted she should stay in Korea to look after her grandchildren.

To my managers, I just said that I need to go US for some courses. I will contract them when I back but until then, they could do what they wanted. I left without telling anyone where I was going. To die alone, that what a coward would do. It’s too painful to see the sadness in everyone’s eye. Now I had my peace forever.

I received a mail from my brother from Korea, which is very unusual. I thought he was in US. The handwriting was his although it was all screwy. My heart froze. After reading the letter, my brain refused to think, my poor brother my poor poor brother. Why did he choose such a path. I need to get to him, maybe just maybe I could save him. That was my only thought.

But I found him too late. When I opened the door, I saw him peacefully sleeping on the bed, I rushed to him calling him but he didn’t show any sign that he heard me. I could only see his smile that was on his lifeless face.. “Kim Jong Kook” I could only screamed …

10 years later… I respected Jong Kook’s wish and sent out his apology letters to everyone and informed them of his death. It was difficult but I managed to trace everyone. The most unforgettable person was Song Ji Hyo. Her silent was eerie as she turned her back and walked away from me. I picked up the letter that she dropped and saw the white piece of paper that Jong Kook left her, My heart went out to her, Jong Kook must have love her so much and she must have love Jong Kook too.