“Excuse me.. Excuse me..”
I passed around 15 girls to go where I supposed to sit, next to my best friend, Mandy. It is almost 12AM, but I don’t get it, there is still so many people here.

“Here you go, caffe latte,” I hand it to Mandy, but she’s still busy with her camera, so I decided to just hold it for her.

By the way, I don’t know why I agree to go to this place. An open studio of MBC Radio station, and my one and only narcistic boyfriend, Kim Jonghyun, will be on air on Blue Night Radio in less than 15 minutes. Not that I don’t want to see him, not that I don’t want to be there for him, not that I don’t want to support him. But I haven’t get used hearing girls screaming my boyfriend name. Well, I just move here to Seoul like a week ago. Luckily Mandy is already here, taking her master degree and she probably will graduate around next year.

'Wave to me when I'm in!'

'1..'

'2..'

'3..'

'Now!'

He sends me chat through kakao talk just now.

I raise my head up from my phone screen when everyone suddenly scream and screech because my boyfriend just entered the studio. I’m to busy with this mix of proud and intimidated feelings, I even didn’t realized when Mandy grab her café latte from my hand.

He bows to all of us, and I can see him scanning through more than 50 girls to find out where I would sit. Then he found me, I waved at him and smile, and he do the same, casually. I feel…. Weird..

It’s exactly midnight, the show started. He then do his job professionally. Between song break, he would send me chat and ask 'How did I do, do you like it?’ Or he would take a look at where I sit, trying to look casually. I know, nobody know who I am, nobody know I’m SHINee Jonghyun’s girl. Nobody. But still, I feel weird.

2 hours passed very fast. The show is over, me and Mandy decided to walk a little bit before taking a cab. We supposed to go home with Jonghyun, but I refuse to and we were gone before he try to find us and I switched of my phone.

We sit at a bench on the side of the road, waiting for cab. Mandy shows me couple of pretty pictures she took during the show. I was mesmerized on how he looks so good in a picture. The white sweatshirt he wears matches his blonde platinum white hair, the big thick specs framed his deep eyes perfectly, and that smile of his that could melt every single girl who sees it. Including me, no exception.

I laugh at myself and tell Mandy something that makes her punch my arm. “You must be kidding me!”

“No, I’m not. I’m not ready. For this.” I talk to Mandy, my voice quiver, a bit. “Long distance is easier, I guess. But being so close yet so far, I don’t know. I feel weird, like I’m not his girlfriend. He’s hiding me from the world.”

Really? I did just said that? I know I’m an idiot. You date a celebrity, this what you get. What do you expect? Without myself realizing, tears streaming down my face. Mandy knew I would cry, right before she punched my arm.

Suddenly a voice come from behind, “I’m listening, go on. Say everything inside your chest.”I don’t even want to look at where the voice come from.

Mandy felt awkward to stay then she decided to go across the street and buy her favorite latte on a 24hrs coffee shop.

I’m still there sitting, looking at my boots. Jonghyun sat beside me opposing the street where he could look at a small park with only 2 dim lamps can be seen stands across another.

We stay in silence, a very tense silence for about 15 minutes. I shouldn’t have said it, it must have break his heart into pieces.

“I don’t know you would feel that way,” he’s starting the conversation. “How to make it up to you?”

“I don’t know.” That’s all I can answer, no other words come across my mind.

“You really want to break up with me? I heard you said that to Mandy.” So, he was there since that conversation started. I don’t want to answer him, nor look at him.

But like I was drunk, suddenly my tears burst out again and words start coming out of my mouth.

“I thought being here with you would be easier, but it’s not. I thought seeing you more often well makes me feel much better, but it’s not. I feel insecure. It’s been a week since I move, I get to see you everyday. But among the crowd not near enough to touch you, even talk to you.”

“I don’t need your showcase passes, I don’t need your music show passes, or any passes you could give me. I only need you and your time. But, I know it’s impossible.” I’m so selfish, unbelievable.

“I’m not moving here to just break up with you. I want to hold onto you as long as you still hold me back. I want to wait for you as long as I know you would come back. I’m not ready yet, but I’ll work it out, as long as you help me to.”

Those words slip from my tongue as I sob while saying every sentences that I just said.

“I would like to hug you now, very tight. But I can’t. I promise I’ll hug you when we are at home. I’m sorry." He said. "Now, can we go home? Call Mandy, I’ll wait inside the car.” I can’t see how he’s face look like when he talked to me, but I can hear his voice was shaky as he tried to finish every sentences he said. Then he walked to his car without looking back at me, even once.