It was the day after Minseo had turned 8.

Jihoon sat at his desk in the room he shared with Minseo. He payed little attention to his sister who lay on the other bed across the room, fast asleep. She was cuddling a new bear that she had received as a present just yesterday. She was rather quiet so Jihoon had no problems trying to figure out his homework. It was easy work, a little too easy if Jihoon was being completely honest.

It was his fault that he was sent to his new school anyways, and his mother and father wouldn’t let him forget that. If he even uttered one complaint about his new school or the teachers, or even on his homework they would immediately jump into a spiel about why he was sent to the school he was currently attending.

“If you hadn’t slacked off at your old school, maybe you would be featured in today’s newspaper. You could have had so many more opportunities. Don’t complain, this was your decision.”

But it wasn’t his decision. Not completely. His fourteen year old self could barely comprehend the exact reason why he had slacked off to begin with. It was true that he was angry, at himself, and at his parents. He just wanted something else, something that wasn’t what his parents or anybody else wanted of him. His slacking off had even landed him with more courses and class times for next year. He would be stuck doing whatever his parents wanted him to do. They could even pull him out of normal classes to attend extra college courses for a regular school year. They could do all of that and he wouldn’t be able to graduate early like he had planned.

And all because he messed up. All because he didn’t want what everybody decided his fate would be.

Jihoon lay his head on his desk and checked the time on his used computer. It was only a little past eleven p.m. and he still didn’t finish his homework for tomorrow. A very light knock on the door made him straighten up quickly and pretend to read the book in front of him. When the door opened he glanced up to see his mother peeking her head in the room.

“Jihoon, I seen the light on. Are you going to sleep soon?” She asked and Jihoon nodded his head quickly.

“Yeah, I was just studying.” Jihoon lied flawlessly and his mother’s face showed that she was satisfied with his answer.

“Okay, study hard then.” She smiled and then walked into the room quietly after noticing that Minseo was sleeping. She pulled up a chair beside Jihoon and they sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. “I want this year to be different.” His mother whispered kindly but Jihoon could tell she was having a hard time keeping her tone steady. Jihoon said nothing, he had learned by now that when his mother was talking to him directly, he should shut up and listen to what she had to say. “If you work hard, maybe you can go back to that other school. I just don’t understand why they couldn’t see your potential. No matter how bad your grades were, I don’t think they should have kicked you out.” She lost track of her thoughts for a moment, she shook her head to clear up her mind. “Don’t slack off this year, Jihoon. You were born to do this. You were born to be great and I don’t want anything to get in your way.”

Jihoon could only nod. He didn’t open his mouth to tell her what he thought, because it didn’t matter. At all.

They were both brought out of their quiet one-sided conversation by violent gasping and coughing. Jihoon’s mother glanced back and the two of them watched as Minseo shot up in her bed and hacked so loudly that it almost sounded like she was barking. Jihoon’s mother let out a sharp gasp and she stood up so quickly that her chair fell down on its side. Jihoon couldn’t see what his mother had gasped about so he moved to his sister’s side only to see blood splatters all on her bed sheets and clothes. Minseo started to cry from her panic. She only began to cough harder and in some moments it sounded like she was choking. His mother rubbed Minseo’s back in panicked heavy circles.

“Go get your father!” Jihoon heard his mother’s command and he didn’t think, he just ran to get his dad. He woke up his father, who then called an ambulance. Jihoon’s mother told him not to come back into the room, so he didn’t. He stayed outside and gnawed on his lip as he continued to hear Minseo gasp and breathe with her tiny lungs. After a while it quieted down and Jihoon’s mother appeared from the room with her hands and clothes speckled in blood. She quietly talked to Jihoon’s father a ways down the hallway.

It was at that moment that Jihoon had snuck back into the room to see what was going on. Minseo was sitting up on the bed and she breathed calmly. Jihoon ignored the blood and instead focused on his sister who seemed tired but at least she wasn’t coughing anymore. Jihoon’s hands shook badly when he went to go hold her hand, she gripped tightly onto him.

“You’re scaring me.” She whispered and motioned to Jihoon’s hands as they trembled. He immediately let go of her and apologized quietly. Minseo ignored her terrified brother and instead, rested her head on his chest as he stood there. Min could probably feel his heartbeat going a mile a minute, but that didn’t really matter. Minseo liked hummingbirds.

They both waited for the ambulance and when they did arrive, his frightened little sister had begun to cry again.

. . .

The bright lights of the hospital were oddly out of place in comparison to the emotions he was currently feeling. Jihoon’s mother nervously massaged his neck with her right hand as she waited for her husband to emerge from the room that they were sitting in front of. Minseo was probably resting inside the hospital room with her father who was watching over her. The nurses would only permit one person at a time with Minseo and so Jihoon and his mother had no choice but to wait in the chairs outside.

It took a few more minutes of waiting but Jihoon’s father emerged from the room with the doctor who was examining Minseo.

“I’d like to talk to all of you, if that’s okay.” The doctor spoke calmly and evenly. It reflected onto their family who was currently panicking. Jihoon’s mother nodded and then ushered Jihoon to follow the doctor as he walked into an empty room.

They all stood around, quite awkwardly as the doctor checked and re-checked the clipboard that he held in his hands. “I will start with letting you know the state of your daughter’s condition.” The doctor paused and flipped through a few more pages. Jihoon wanted to yell at the doctor to hurry up but he wouldn’t do that. Unnecessary stress. “Miss Lee is okay, for now, but I will get into details later.” Jihoon glanced up at both his parents and it looked like they knew more than he did at the moment but he said nothing.

“As both of you know, Mr. Lee had a certain hereditary gene that was identified already by previous tests.” The doctor looked into Jihoon’s father’s eyes. “It says in his file that there were risks of passing this gene down to potential children, and it looks like that is exactly what has happened.” The doctor paused and took a breath, “Unfortunately Mr. Lee’s gene was not absent enough and was inherited by your daughter and son.” Jihoon’s mother started to cry silently but Jihoon was still completely lost.

“You were lucky, Mr. Lee, that this gene was dormant for you. Unfortunately, it acts more like a virus for children Minseo’s age.” The doctor paused for a moment. “But both of you knew that already. As for your son,” The doctor addressed Jihoon whose face had already turned pale hours ago. “We were able to look at his files and he also carries this gene. However, luckily, it will remain dormant for most if not all of his life and he will not fall dangerously ill. However, if his body becomes over-stressed it’s possible that he might exhibit symptoms but there is no real threat. Your son is very lucky.”

“What is he talking about-” Jihoon looked up at his mom who just ignored her son who was trying to piece everything together.

Jihoon’s father’s face hardened, “What if he starts showing signs of-”

“If, by chance, your son exhibits symptoms. I would advise him to get plenty of rest. There is not much we can do about that. Rest-assured though, that he will not fall ill. He does not carry an active hereditary gene and he will most likely not pass it onto his children.” The doctor set down his clipboard on a nearby table and took a step closer. “I am, however, far more concerned about your daughter. She carries the actual sickness now. Once it’s no longer dormant, this 'virus' will stop at nothing. There is normally a high chance of survival but because your daughter’s gene became active at such a young age...even with proper treatment-”

“Jihoon, wait outside.” His father commanded, and Jihoon didn’t have to protest, he left the room quickly and didn’t look back.

Jihoon waited outside but that didn’t mean that he didn’t overhear pieces of their conversation. Jihoon didn’t know what to think. He couldn’t think at that moment.

Jihoon heard his father's voice from the other room. “It’s my fault. It’s all my fault, I gave this sickness to her, and now…”

Jihoon lowered his head when he caught a glimpse of his parents coming out of the room with the doctor and he pretended not to see his father crying. He pretended not to see his mother’s hopeless expression.

He even pretended not to see the looks his father gave him.

Whether it was blame, or anger…

Whether it was a look that said, “why couldn’t it have been you,” or a look that said, “this is all my fault.”

Jihoon didn’t know.

He didn’t want to know.

/ / /

Jihoon quickly wiped the blood off on his jeans before anyone could see. Seungkwan, Hansol and Joshua kneeled down next to Jihoon, a concerned look plastered on their faces.

“Are you okay?” They asked simultaneously. Jihoon focused on his breathing and he pulled himself together long enough to get back on his feet. He stood up against the tree for a few moments as everyone watched him.

“I’m fine.” Jihoon muttered and pushed his wet pink hair out of his eyes. The small amount of blood that he had just coughed up reminded him of how lucky he was. However, it didn’t make him feel good, if anything, it made him feel worse.

“Are you sure?” Joshua and Seungkwan asked and Jihoon looked up only to see everyone staring at him like he had just grown two heads.
 

“Yes, I’m okay.” Jihoon allowed Seungkwan to grab his arm to help him steady himself. Everyone turned around hesitantly and began to walk the rest of the way to the dorms. No one stopped to question him, they were all too cold and worn out and nobody wanted to stay out there for longer than they had to. Jihoon heard Seungkwan ask him a couple more times if he was really okay and Jihoon only replied to him with ‘yeah’ and “yep.”

When they finally made it to the dorm houses, one of the seventeen members used their student id to open the door and everyone crept into the house together. Jihoon noticed that Seungcheol let out a sigh of relief when they all made it inside.

Seungkwan, Jihoon, Mingyu, Wonwoo and Joshua all headed up to the second floor. Seungkwan still held tightly onto Jihoon’s arm like he was going to pass out any second. Wonwoo and Mingyu said their goodnights and cast worried glances to Jihoon before they walked quietly down the hall to their room. Joshua stayed with Seungkwan to make sure Jihoon got to their room safely.

“I hope you’re okay, Jihoon.” Joshua slung his guitar case over his shoulder and smiled kindly. “I have some bandages in my room, if you need them. It looks like you got a cut on your leg.” Joshua motioned to Jihoon’s light grey jeans and he sighed when he noticed the blood splotch on his leg. He probably shouldn’t have wiped his hand on his jeans.

“Thanks.” Jihoon mumbled and Joshua said goodnight once Seungkwan and Jihoon entered into their dorm room.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Seungkwan quickly grabbed a tissue from a nearby tissue box and pushed it to Jihoon’s face. Jihoon confusedly touched his face and realized that he had a nose bleed. “You’re falling apart at the seams, you need to lay down.” Seungkwan took Jihoon’s soaked jacket off for him and hung it up to dry. He grabbed a bottle of water from the pile of bags that he brought in earlier and handed it to Jihoon who downed it eagerly. After that both Seungkwan and Jihoon decided to take showers in the morning as they were both far too tired to go at that moment.

Instead, both roommates just took out a clean shirt and sweatpants and began to dry themselves off with a towel. Once they were done, they changed and threw their muddied and wet clothes into a basket. Seungkwan took a blanket off of his bed and wrapped it around Jihoon’s shoulders tightly. “You look like a burrito.” Seungkwan joked but he immediately stopped when he noticed how pale and sick Jihoon looked. “I’m sorry I made you go tonight.” Seungkwan apologized but Jihoon just smiled in tired amusement.

He laid down with Seungkwan’s blanket piled on top of him and Seungkwan pulled up his desk chair to sit next to Jihoon’s bed. He didn’t notice what Seungkwan was doing until his intrusive but caring roommate had grabbed his arm to take a look at the soaked through bandages on his wrist.

“Let’s see…” Seungkwan mumbled and he unwrapped the bandages from his arm. Jihoon just closed his eyes and let his roommate do whatever the hell he wanted. He was far too tired and worn out to worry about it. The only body part that was peeking out of the warm blanket was his arm and Seungkwan was already disinfecting the wounds on his wrist- again. His roommate worked away as Jihoon drifted in and out of consciousness. Seungkwan noticed that Jihoon was beginning to fall asleep so he began to practice his audition song. He sang softly into the oddly quiet night in hopes that Jihoon would fall asleep to his voice.

“I can only say that I want to die

My life without you is hard to live through

I only wait for you to come back

Though you’re not here anymore

Please, I really miss you, I love you…”

Seungkwan continued to mindlessly sing as he finished tying off the bandages around Jihoon’s arm and he leaned back in his chair. Jihoon’s breathing began to slow and he drifted off into a light sleep.

“Even if I die I can’t leave, can’t go leaving you behind

I love you so much that you can’t leave even if I die.”

Seungkwan sighed and stood up to walk to his own bed, he lay down in an exhausted heap and turned off the lights, his voice still carried on into the night as he practiced.

“Don’t leave me behind

Please, please, please,

I love you…”

. . .

“Why can’t I tell him?” Minseo asked sadly as she curled up on her bed. Jihoon’s mother sighed softly from her seat in the corner of the hospital room.

“Min, honey, we don’t want him to get distracted from his work.” Minseo looked at her mother like she had just been betrayed. Her mom sighed and walked over to the bed to caress her face gently. “It’s okay Min. Everything will be fine, don’t worry anymore okay?”

“But, I’m back in the hospital, can’t he come see me?” Minseo asked and she sat up in her bed angrily. “What if something happens? Maybe tomorrow I’ll-”

“Your brother will be working hard! He cannot and will not lose focus.” She interrupted harshly and Min lowered her head in shame, “Do not tell your brother, do you understand me?” Her mother asked sternly and Minseo nodded her head in silence. It was quiet. “I…” She hesitated and then sighed in defeat and guiltily hugged Minseo in a warm embrace. “Min, I just want what’s best for him. He just started at that school and if he figures out that you’re back in the hospital he will come back to Busan. If he does that there will be nothing left for him after-”

“I understand.” Min interrupted softly. “He’ll become successful. I know he will.”

“Get some rest.” Her mother abruptly pulled the blanket around her shoulders and Minseo nodded her head. She laid down, grabbed her mother’s hand, and fell asleep to the silence that surrounded her.