Seungcheol-S.Coups

Jihoon-Woozi

Soonyoung-Hoshi

Chan-Dino

______

No one likes to see people in moods of despair they themselves have survived. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

<>

Seungkwan observed everyone in the practice room with wide, calculating eyes. He was waiting for a chance to incorporate himself into any conversation but everybody seemed to be concentrating on their own duties, making good work of their time. He sighed and looked into the floor to ceiling mirror, his troubled expression on his face was really too obvious. Even he himself could tell.

“How is it?”

Seungkwan stretched his arms above his head and looked to his left, staring at Hansol’s reflection in the mirror next to him. Seungkwan shrugged and continued to stretch, then at least it would look like he was actually doing something even if he wasn’t. After all this time, he still couldn’t get the spiders under his skin to go away. They always appeared whenever he was alone with Hansol, but- Seungkwan knew he couldn’t kill those creatures under his skin even if he wanted to. They were always squirming and struggling to get out, making him uncomfortable. He got used to it after awhile but things could never be the same.

“It’s different than you imagined.” Hansol observed, reading the expression on Seungkwan’s face like an old, loved book. He began to stretch next to Seungkwan, the two past friends fell into motion, their movements matched in time with one another-- effortlessly. “It was like that for me too.”

“That’s not it.” Seungkwan itched at his skin, “I’m happy to be here, it’s...interesting. Different than I imagined, but interesting.”

Hansol nodded his head in thought as they both fell silent next to one another. There was a past between them that they couldn’t ever talk about. They knew each other better than they knew themselves. When they decided to forget their friendship like an old tattered doll, there was a piece of both of them that left with the other person.

They wouldn’t ever be able to talk about their past together but they both knew. That was the only way they could move forward--since they couldn’t forget about it they had to pretend like they did.

<><><>

When Jihoon woke up from his nap he thought he was seeing things.

He had fallen asleep after Seungkwan had left and his ice pack was all melted over his bed. He could feel the liquid leaking into his shirt but he was far too tired to move away from it. The cold liquid absorbed into his skin, the only thing Jihoon could think about was how Seungkwan was going to scold him for it. He groaned and sat up, blinking a few times. He expected to see an empty room, not Kwon Soonyoung.

He rubbed his eyes once, and then twice--but his friend’s shocked face was still there.

The first thought that popped into Jihoon’s mind was, what is he doing here, how did he get in the dorm?

As if on cue Soonyoung opened his mouth to speak, “I wanted to surprise you.” His voice was more quiet and reserved than Jihoon remembered it to be--but that was probably just because he was shocked at seeing his face all purple and blue. Even Jihoon couldn’t stand the sight of himself so he understood.

He stayed quiet. Truthfully, he wanted to hide his face away but Soonyoung had probably seen every last detail. How long was he standing there? Obviously long enough to get a good look at the mess that he was. Soonyoung stepped forward, his expressions showed everything that he was thinking and Jihoon was slightly frightened. He knew what he was thinking. It was so obvious.

Jihoon suddenly felt overwhelmed.

Soonyoung was here. Right in front of him.

And the only thing he could do was stay silent?

“I don’t understand.” Soonyoung said and gently approached Jihoon like he was a scared, caged animal, which was more accurate than Jihoon would have liked to admit.

It took a few seconds for the blurriness to leave completely but when it did, Jihoon wished it hadn’t. The fine lines in Soonyoung’s expression became clear: he was disappointed in him. Jihoon clutched the blankets beneath him as his pride and comfort fell. That wasn’t fair. He had no choice but to be the way he was, to hide the problems he was facing. If he shouted out for the world to hear then who would help him? Students fell like autumn leaves at Pledis Academy and nobody heard their cries. Jihoon was like those autumn leaves--except he was surrounded by people who were aware of his suffering and did nothing about it. They didn’t even bother to step over him, to stomp on him, to kick him aside. They just passed him as he fell, and it was a silent kind of suffering. Waiting to slowly drift off in the wind.

Jihoon stared ahead at the blankets that were crumpled at the end of his previously unmade bed. He didn’t know where to look, didn’t know what to think. Soonyoung kept staring at him like he had betrayed him. It made him feel bad for not saying something sooner but it was already Monday  while his quiet falling happened friday--and it was a night that seemed to stretch on for days.

Days…

How many days had passed since he spoke with his family?

Jihoon just wanted to go home.

He sat up straight in his bed as Soonyoung continued to watch him. The longer he sat there the more his face started to burn, and not long after, his throat closed up. He tried to hold it off, tried to will it away like a bad cold but Jihoon felt it coming before he could do anything about it. Like a fountain, he opened up and tears started to stream down his face before he could stop them.

Jihoon was so surprised by the sudden onslaught of emotion that he immediately raised a cupped hand to his mouth to try and hold in all the feelings that begged to be let out. It all came upon him at once that it felt like he was drowning in his own sorrow.

His pride wouldn’t allow him to call out for help all those times but now his body was doing it for him. His tears, his vulnerability was screaming at Soonyoung to help him. And it was so embarrassing that Jihoon brought his crumpled blanket up to his face and buried his head inside the soft material. He made no noise he just hid and waited for Soonyoung to start feeling pity, to start treating him like he was made of porcelain--but he did nothing like that.

It was quick-- so quick that Jihoon thought he imagined it. Soonyoung enveloped him in such a warm embrace that Jihoon was startled. He wrapped his arms around his small, broken frame to hold him together until Jihoon could do it for himself. It was a very short, and quiet moment that the two shared but Jihoon felt so ashamed that he couldn’t even enjoy the first intimate contact that he’d had in years.

Yes, he was hugged by his mother, and often he was tackled by Seungkwan but there was nobody who ever really hugged him with as much tenderness as Soonyoung was currently doing. Not even Minseo could wrap her tiny, fragile arms around him like this.

It was the kind of embrace that only certain people could share. Not even lovers would be able to understand it. That’s why Jihoon felt so saddened by the feeling. Because Soonyoung wasn’t his best friend, or his lover. They were something.

Soonyoung was the one who would hold him up without question. The one who would sit with him on busy days and just make silly comments here and there. He would test his luck by ruffling his hair, and they would bicker like old couples do. Soonyoung was the one who would smile for him when everything was going wrong. The one who would keep running no matter what. He was everything that Jihoon was not. He was everything that Jihoon wanted to be. Jihoon wanted something like him.

He wanted to be able to laugh with him, to share early mornings with him, he wanted to joke around with him. But he couldn’t. Soonyoung was everything light. He was the kid who would catch those autumn leaves. He was the kid who would spend hours making huge piles of them just to jump into it and scatter them apart beautifully. He would lay there and stare up at the sky and his heart would soar even though he couldn’t.

Soonyoung would do all those things and he would do it happily-- for anybody. That’s why Jihoon felt so saddened. One day, maybe, he would get tired of all that. Maybe if Jihoon got too close to the person that Soonyoung was, he would begin to walk past those autumn leaves without stopping to catch them.

Jihoon couldn’t ruin someone like that, couldn’t ruin something like that.

Soonyoung deserved the world. He deserved everything that he had, even that dance academy that Jihoon was so jealous of. He deserved it all.

It was time that Jihoon deserved something, right? Then why the hell couldn’t he pull himself out of this situation that made him cry like a child? Why couldn’t he hold it in like all those other times, tight-lipped and teary eyed.

Jihoon sighed and forced himself to stop crying. He could feel his body want to start hiccuping but he stopped himself before he could get to that stage. He coughed once to rid himself of the heavy lump in his throat. Although his eyes were now wet and red, he looked up at Soonyoung who was now only a few inches from his face.

“Jihoon…” Soonyoung took his hands and was about to place them on either side of Jihoon’s purpled face, but he turned his face away before he could. A million questions raced through his mind but the only thing that Soonyoung could see was red.

“Stop, stop. I know what you’re going to say and now’s…” he sighed and wiped his eyes, “now’s not the time,” he whispered in a low voice as he pushed Soonyoung’s hands away.

“What? I just don’t get it. I’m confused so tell me what’s going on. Right now.” Soonyoung sat fully on Jihoon’s bed so he wasn’t half-standing and sitting.

“What difference would it make if I told you or not? I got on the bad side of a few kids, who cares? This is my problem not yours.” Jihoon’s voice was so shaky that he nearly stopped talking altogether.

“I don’t believe you.” Soonyoung stood up suddenly and put on the jacket that he must have discarded when he first got in the room. “Tell me what happened right now. Tell me who did that to you.” Soonyoung zipped up the jacket and stood there in the middle of the room as Jihoon dug his slim fingers into his hair. He seemed to be thinking hard about things since he stayed silent while Soonyoung watched him.

“Everything is a mess.” He whispered to himself, his thoughts raced past him a mile a minute.

“We’ve got to go to the headmaster, we need to tell him about all this. How did they get away with that?” Soonyoung began to pace the room, his hands were clenched in his jacket pockets, his face flushed from being so angry.

Jihoon shook his head and tangled his fingers in his hair. He listened to the rustling of Soonyoung’s dark green jacket as he paced back and forth, Jihoon’s eyes were closed so that he wouldn’t have to see Soonyoung’s expression anymore. It took a few moments for him to muster up the courage to speak again, but when he did, his voice couldn’t have come out clearer. “I must look pretty pathetic, huh?” He smiled a little, in the worst kind of way.

Just as an awkward and tense silence settled into the room, Seungkwan walked through the door with a few bags of stuff in his hands, Mingyu and Wonwoo following closely behind. They were all talking happily but froze when they noticed Soonyoung pacing in the room. Jihoon jumped when the door opened and he quickly wiped his face off a bit and busied himself with cleaning up the melted ice on his bed so nobody would see his tear-stained face. Soonyoung took a deep breath and halted in his pacing. He bowed reservedly in greeting, despite being unsettled and angry. Seungkwan, Wonwoo and Mingyu repeated the same action, they exchanged confused glances with one another before hesitantly entering the smaller-than-normal room.

“Hello, uh-” Seungkwan stuck out his hand with a warm smile on his face. “I’m Seungkwan, Jihoon’s roommate.”

Soonyoung took the hand and nodded warily as Wonwoo and Mingyu also introduced themselves. “Right. Please excuse me.” Soonyoung turned around and walked over to Jihoon. “I want you to stay in my room tonight.” He whispered so that nobody else in the room could hear him. His eyes darted over to the three in the corner who were trying not to listen in. Jihoon was about to protest but he tightened his grip on his wrist before he could pull away. “Please, just for now. I don’t trust anybody here.”

“You can trust Seungkwan, okay? He’s the one who helped me all this time.” Jihoon crumpled up the wet material in his hands and tried to pull away from Soonyoung once again but he just wouldn’t let him go.

“Honestly, Jihoon. If that kid helped you then why did you still get beaten by those kids?” Soonyoung crossed his arms, a look of distaste crossed his features when he glanced at Seungkwan’s side of the room.

“He couldn’t do anything about it.” Jihoon ran his cold hands over his face. “Just listen to me okay? I’ve tried to adapt to their rules and--it’s just...it’s complicated.”

“Then stay in my room until I figure those rules out too.” Soonyoung walked over to Jihoon’s bed and rolled up the blankets, discarding the wet sheet on the floor. He tucked his pillow underneath his arm. “We have a lot to talk about anyway. Come on, please? Just get your stuff.” He bowed his head once more at Seungkwan, Wonwoo and Mingyu before he walked out of the room with the pile of Jihoon’s blankets in his hands. Jihoon was left standing there awkwardly as Soonyoung didn’t really give him a choice.

Mingyu and Wonwoo were awkwardly silent but Seungkwan immediately crossed the room and quickly grabbed Jihoon by the shoulders. “What’s going on? How do you know Soonyoung? He’s not going to hurt you, is he?” Seungkwan’s eyes continued to dart over to the door where a furious Soonyoung exited. His mouth continued to spout off questions as Mingyu and Wonwoo inched closer to Jihoon as well. Their ears were strained as they listened in on their conversation.

“Listen, he’s just an old friend who cares a lot...and he’s not exactly happy about,” Jihoon motioned to his face, “all this.”

Seungkwan’s eyes softened as he took in Jihoon’s features closely. His skin was pale and his eyes were red around the edges, he seemed to be swimming in stress. “I’m really sorry I couldn’t,” he sighed, “...help you.” Seungkwan squeezed Jihoon’s shoulders. It was like he was looking into a mirror and he didn’t like it one bit. Being so close to someone who was suffering was weighing on Seungkwan as well. “I really am sorry Jihoon.”

“Don’t apologize.” He lightly patted Seungkwan on the arm and then turned around and began to collect his things. “You shouldn’t worry about me, by the way. I’m sure I’ll be fine with Soonyoung.”

It took a few awkward minutes to pack all of his stuff. It was even more awkward with Wonwoo and Mingyu watching. Seungkwan helped him fold his uniform and organize his folders and notebooks, even going so far as to neatly pack it all in a bag. It was almost like Jihoon was leaving the school. That thought was unsurprisingly relieving to him. “If you need anything, please call me. I mean it Jihoon. I don’t care how popular this Soonyoung guy is, or if you two were friends. If he hurts you-”

“I know…” Jihoon slung his bag over his shoulder and mustered a smile. He knew from the way Seungkwan looked at him that he could tell he had been crying. Seungkwan just knew sometimes, which helped because that meant he didn’t need to explain. His roommate wasn’t protective in nature but the feeling of someone watching over him was comforting. He knew Seungkwan couldn’t defend him if something happened, but he could always go to him if he was beaten and bloody. His heart sunk at the thought of meeting those four students again. Having another run-in was asking for a death sentence--at least it felt that way. “I’ll be okay.” Jihoon gave Seungkwan one last smile, but he didn’t give him a friendly hug or anything. Jihoon was still trying to remember what Soonyoung’s embrace felt like. He feared that it would rub off, be washed away by the tide- a lonely stain upon the face of the earth.

<><><>

Jihoon walked down the hallway where Soonyoung had been waiting. It was awkward having to fall in step with one another when their first introductions after weeks had been a teary reunion. More than teary actually, breakdowns were never fun. Especially for such a tired person like Jihoon. They walked quietly out of the second dorm and immediately made the short walk to Soonyoung’s.

Dorm House 1.

Jihoon could clearly remember the last time he danced so passionately- at the audition. It felt good to have done so, but the thought of sleeping in a dorm house that could have been his but wasn’t was wearing on his mind and thoughts. Soonyoung just continued to carry the small bundle of blankets casually- his fiery mood was showing through a bit. He scanned and glared at every single student they passed. Jihoon knew he would have demanded that he tell him who the students were but Jihoon’s silence was sure to stretch on for more than just ticks and tocks. Jihoon would keep his mouth shut about the whole thing for a long while- tight-lipped and teary-eyed...again. That was easy. Easier than telling Soonyoung about the people who had beaten his skin black and blue. If he had to chance another breakdown then so be it. Anything was better than being sent back to that tiny blue house.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Soonyoung asked. He seemed like he was just voicing his thoughts- trying to find an answer himself but Jihoon found it annoying anyway.

He sighed heavily at the question as Soonyoung tried and failed to scan his ID at the first dorm house. Jihoon stepped in and scanned it for him correctly. The doors unlocked and they made their way inside. Soonyoung held the door open for Jihoon, he noticed the way he stared at his face when he walked past him. Honestly, Jihoon never got second glances at Pledis Academy when he was forced to take his mask off in class- it was uncomfortable to actually have somebody stare at his face. Jihoon almost forgot how bad the whole thing was. He became so numb to the idea that humans shouldn’t hurt other humans that seeing someone with bruises and torn skin had become a norm.

As they entered the dorm house Jihoon observed that the layout was the same but the atmosphere was completely different, it was more quiet. That probably had to do with the fact that the dorm rooms were too small to dance in, everyone was most likely in the practice rooms.

Soonyoung cleared his throat when they made it up to the third floor. He hesitated for a moment and when he spoke again, his voice was significantly quieter, “Was it because you were scared?” The question wasn’t meant to sound insulting but Jihoon was so used to being talked to that way that he immediately lashed out.

“What was I supposed to say!” Jihoon hissed, the silence of the dorm house caused him to act as if he was in a library. “‘Hey, got my face beat in today and I’m not sure if my ribs are broken or not- but how was your day?’ Just how much of an idiot do you think I am!”

Soonyoung stopped in his tracks and turned to Jihoon, his expression was one of anger too. Jihoon forgot about Soonyoung’s matching temper, they sometimes clashed. “How am I supposed to help you if you won’t tell me anything! I come to this school just to figure out that one of my friends is being- what- bullied? So badly that you can’t even tell if your ribs are broken?” Soonyoung scoffed and turned around to begin walking to his dorm room, “I mean- how ed up is that?! Don’t you see how terrible this is? I’m just trying to help, so why won’t you let me?”

“I can’t!” Jihoon yelled and pushed past Soonyoung to walk further down the hallway. “You don’t get it, Soonyoung! You just don’t. Get it.”

By now both of their jaws were clenched, their teeth so tightly grit that white powder could have fallen from their teeth. Soonyoung stomped over to a door and checked the room number once, then twice, before knocking on the door in short raps and opening it. Jihoon was fuming by now, and if he had a choice he would have turned right around and went back to his own dorm but Jihoon wasn’t so blinded by anger that he would forget that the only friend he had was currently storming inside his new dorm room where-

Haneul.

Soonyoung threw Jihoon’s blankets down on his bare bed and then re-checked his pockets for his ID and phone before he stormed back out of the dorm room, tossing a “I’m going to find Chan” over his shoulder and disappearing down the hall. Jihoon was left standing there, right in front of a startled, half-dressed Haneul.

Jihoon knew he was breaking the rules by staying in Soonyoung’s room and he wasn’t sure how strict or lax the dorm house supervisor was. He didn’t know how to explain that to Haneul, he didn’t even know what to say to him. His vision was still red, red, red. Lashing out at Haneul was not an option, not when they just made up not too long ago.

“Okay…” Haneul stood up from his bed and snatched a sweater off the back of his desk chair. He slipped on the maroon garment and then went to close the door that Soonyoung had left open. “Well you can start by explaining. I mean, you don’t have to but- that was pretty weird.”

Jihoon rubbed at his face. Couldn’t he just have some peace and quiet? Was there ever a time at Pledis Academy when he could take a deep breath without having someone interrupt him? Jihoon opened his mouth to explain but nothing came out. Just a huge, frustrated sigh.

Haneul nodded in understanding, like Jihoon had just told him his whole life story. “I see, well- that certainly sounds like a problem to me. How do you feel about that?” Jihoon sluggishly collapsed on Soonyoung’s bed. He didn’t even bother to be annoyed at Haneul’s jokes. “Can I play the guessing game? Apparently I’m pretty good at that when it comes to you-” Haneul immediately put his hands up, “no offense. Just don’t go throwing punches, okay?”

Jihoon set his scarred arm over his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Let’s see. Okay, so, you’re old friends with famous “Dancer Kwon,” and he’s your ex-boyfriend? Yes? No?” He assessed Jihoon’s expression and when he got nothing he continued on, “Okay no. Uh-- you guys are friends and he’s pissed that you’re...how do I put this lightly: injured?”

Jihoon nodded only slightly but that was enough for Haneul. “Okay cool. Well- that still doesn’t explain what you’re doing in my room.”

Truthfully Jihoon really didn’t want to see Haneul. It was like his own bruised face was Karma for that time he hit him. He didn’t know if he was thinking the same thing or not. It was the first time that they talked since Jihoon had gotten “injured” as Haneul had put it. It was like he somehow got back at him- in the most annoying way possible.

“You didn’t have a roommate?” Jihoon asked instead, avoiding the question that he had asked. Haneul sat back in his bed and faced him.

“Nah. I requested not to have a roommate. Thought I wasn’t gonna have one this year but apparently Dorm 1 is full. I was the only one without a roommate so they put dancer-Kwon with me, had to give him the tour and everything. I was wondering why he kept asking where your room was.”

“You’re a dancer...” Jihoon suddenly realized. Haneul grinned proudly, his face was sheepish and bright.

“That’s right. Ballet.”

Jihoon’s mouth nearly dropped. He never would have guessed that Haneul’s forte would be ballet. The personalities just didn’t match. “I see.”

“By the way, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out this situation. You’re acting like a top secret spy or something. Only you would have bed sheets like this.” Haneul chuckled as he stood up and began to take the crumpled up blankets on Soonyoung’s bed and began to transfer them over to his own bed. “You think that famous dancer would sleep with such a tacky bed set?” Haneul smirked playfully as he pulled off his own bedsheets from his bed and replaced them with Jihoon’s. “Is he worried about you or something? If he was, he probably shouldn’t have left you with me.” Haneul joked. When he got no reaction out of Jihoon he gave up and just decided to leave him be. He took a moment to stretch before making the bed. “Of course I’d get stuck with such a bothersome roommate.”

Jihoon ignored the insult about his bedsheets and raised his voice to talk over Haneul’s rambling. “If you’re a classical dancer then why were you paired up with Soonyoung?”

Haneul leaned over a bit to knock on Jihoon’s skull. “Weren’t you listening? I said there was no more rooms left in this dorm. So I’m stuck with your ex.”

“He’s not my-”

“I know.”

It was silent in the room as Haneul made himself a bed on the floor in addition to making the bed for Jihoon. “You didn’t have to-”

“Yeah, yeah. I know.” Haneul sat down on the floor and motioned to the bed next to him. “Might as well sleep a bit, huh? Let dancer-Kwon cool off. You guys were arguing before you walked in here right? I mean- I heard you guys yelling from down the hallway but-”

“Yeah…” Jihoon cut him off before he could start insulting him again. “Thanks.” He slipped off his shoes and immediately climbed into Haneul’s bed. Although he just woke up from a nap, his body felt like it was about to collapse. Everything weighed on him. His heart felt like it was made of lead, his stomach felt like it was twisting and even his eyes were red and aching. Jihoon noticed Haneul cast him a fleeting, pitiful look but he ignored it as he sunk down into his soft bed. He must have added a foam layer over his mattress because Jihoon’s own bed certainly didn’t feel that good. Haneul must have accidentally switched their pillows because the scent of cinnamon and autumn leaves filled his senses. Normally Jihoon wouldn’t be able to sleep with a person like Haneul in the room, but at that moment- the only thing Jihoon could see was faded red- and tufts of dreams ready to pull him into a deep sleep.

<><><>

A few hours had passed.

The exhausted boy slipped in and out of consciousness, his thoughts wandered between dreams and reality. Jihoon lay there with his eyes half open as his mind barely registered Soonyoung cover him with a warm and heavy blanket. In that moment he believed that the closest thing he had to a true friend in this world was Soonyoung.

He suddenly remembered the last time his mother covered him in a blanket. It was over five years ago. So long that Jihoon’s not sure if it was real or just a distorted memory.

He thinks it's unfair that a child had to keep count of things like that. He was given no choice though, because there was nothing else. Now that he was an adult, there was nobody to show him affection. The affection he lost as a kid.

Jihoon rolled over in his sleep, the dreams underneath his eyelids dragged him in, again, and again.

It tugged at him as if he was a forgotten bottle on a cold ocean shore. Jihoon pulled the heavy blanket into his chest and hugged it tightly, the warmth seeped into his skin and provided a false sense of security, of love, of friendship. His heart felt empty at that moment, and he felt unwanted but he grasped for the moment that Soonyoung embraced him.

He recreated it in his mind as he hugged the heavy blanket.

This time he didn’t feel ashamed or saddened.

He just felt warm.

<><><>

Someone was shaking his shoulder, someone with very cold hands. Jihoon peeked one eye open to try and see who the nuisance was but the only thing he could see was a black shadow. The bed he was in smelled fresh, like some kind of soap or shampoo. That’s the only thing that registered in his mind at the moment but he couldn’t forget that fact since he could smell it all night, even as he tossed and turned. Cinnamon... since when did his bed smell like that?

Jihoon smiled softly at the scent but that damn thing kept shaking his shoulder and- “Come on kid, wake up! You’re damn phone has been going off all night!” Haneul’s gravelly voice muttered. Jihoon’s eyes opened wide. Since when was Haneul in his room-oh...wait.

“Put this thing on silent. I knew I was making a mistake by letting you sleep here, hurry up.” Haneul shoved the phone in Jihoon’s tired face, “You’re a real insomniac you know- and maybe an actual maniac too. This is the last time I let you sleep in my bed, I mean just how restless does a person need to be-?”

“Shh.” Jihoon snatched the phone out of Haneul’s hands and rolled over, the bright screen of his phone caused him to squint.

Haneul mumbled in an annoyed tone and sat back down on the floor, collapsing in his messily made bed in a tired heap. Jihoon immediately unlocked his phone and read “34 unread messages from S.COUPS.” Jihoon sat up in Haneul’s bed quietly, his heart beating a mile a minute. The first thing he did was check the time, it was around 3 am, the early morning hours. All drowsiness had left his system the moment he read that notification.

Jihoon turned his phone on silent and held it close to his chest. He opened up the app and scrolled quickly down to their chatbox. The last message Coups had sent was barely intelligible and made no sense. It was sent only a few seconds ago. Jihoon sighed heavily and looked over to Soonyoung who was sleeping in his own bed, he looked worn-out. In the warm darkness of the room, Jihoon felt grateful for Soonyoung, even though he couldn’t ignore the fearful ache in his chest because of their earlier fight. Tomorrow would be better. Jihoon didn’t believe that anymore but it was okay to think it sometimes, even if it wasn’t true.

Jihoon could understand it now. His mind was clear and the light of day was gone, so he knew that their anger from earlier had been horribly misplaced.

Jihoon’s screen lit up with a new message and he was brought back to the situation at hand. Something was wrong with Coups, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out what. A quick scroll through the messages he had sent and one could easily tell; the poor bastard was drunk.

But why? Coups was never reckless. There was never a time when he showed such a side of him. He was always just, there. He was constant, he was level-headed.

Jihoon waited a moment to ensure that Haneul had fallen back to sleep. When he heard the student’s breath even out he immediately got out of bed and made his way over to the front door where his shoes were. He tied up his boots and took Soonyoung’s jacket that was hanging on the chair. He paused in the room to make sure that both Haneul and Soonyoung were asleep before he searched for one of their ID’s.

He checked Soonyoung’s folder and he looked through his empty desks but he found nothing. He was unsuccessful in finding Soonyoung’s so he just opened Haneul’s wallet that was on the desk and took his. He apologized to Haneul in a whisper as he passed his sleeping form on the ground. Jihoon steadied himself at the front door, his phone clutched to his chest, and Haneul’s ID in his pocket. After a moment he found the courage to slowly open the front door to leave. Their door was a bit noisy so he held his breath as he opened it. It took a total of three seconds for him to slide his body out the door and when he did he was headed down the hallway and outside. It was dark, the weather was so cold that it bit at Jihoon’s entire body. Although he turned his phone on silent already, he could see the message count on his phone slowly climb upwards. 36, 37, and even up to 40.

His heart continued to beat- so incredibly fast that Jihoon felt he had to run to somewhere quiet where he could figure the situation out. It was just a feeling that Jihoon had- but something must have been wrong.

The atmosphere around him was incredibly quiet, the whole campus was probably asleep already. Jihoon ducked his way into the trees behind the dorms and he quickly made his way to the stone wall, and when he made it there he collapsed near the base- his hands shaking from the cold.

Jihoon couldn’t think of one safe place on the campus except nearly out of it. He opened up the app on his phone and read through the messages again, this time thoroughly.

The first messages made sense but they continued to spiral into barely understandable.

“It’s not fair.”

“Not even you will talk to me anymore.”

“I don’t know why I thought that everything would be fine.”

Jihoon didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t talk to Coups on voice line to calm him down. He couldn’t even do something like that.

Everything in the past was blurry to him and the only thing he could seem to understand was that Coups was hurting and Jihoon couldn’t do a thing about it. Maybe Coups needed someone. After all that time of Coups being there for “Woozi”, Woozi never had to be there for him. Yes, he had his bad days, but nothing ever like this.

Jihoon thought of different ways for him to speak to him but there was nothing. He entered the chatbox and typed,

“Voice Line.”

Read, appeared next to the message and before he knew it he got a request to call. Jihoon pressed accept and he waited for his voice on the other line but he was surprised when all he heard was Coups’ incoherent mumbling on the other end. Jihoon was comforted by the darkness of the night as he listened closely to his voice. The cold wind bothered him a bit as he couldn’t hear very clearly, he didn’t even have earphones to bring with him. Coups said something that sounded like “hey, woozi” but Jihoon’s not sure, he just listened to him ramble about something insignificant. It was ironic to him though, because even though he had Coups talking directly to him, he still felt immense loneliness.

He was sitting so close to the walls that caged him into Pledis Academy, alone in the darkness at 3 am with the only company being his old friend, S.Coups. If anyone else was there with him it would be such a painful sight to see. Jihoon was glad that it was just him and the dead autumn leaves.

“Why…I’m…and my parents.” Coups slurred, Jihoon could hear him take a sharp intake of breath. Jihoon furrowed his eyebrows and listened. He tried his best to put together the words that he was saying but none of it made any sense. Jihoon clutched the phone tightly as he felt sudden guilt come over him when he heard sniffling on the other line. As Coups’ voice broke Jihoon’s grip on the phone became tighter. Because...he shouldn’t feel sorry for Seungcheol, but, he couldn’t help it. He put the phone on speaker and let the trees hear Seungcheol’s quiet crying as he entered the chatbox and typed in, “I’m here, it’s okay.”

He wanted to stop himself from comforting him but he didn’t. He wouldn’t.

“I don’t know what to do.” Seungcheol whispered, the only full sentence that Jihoon could clearly understand.

He wanted to say, “me neither.” What was he supposed to do? Jihoon thumbed over the scar on his arm absentmindedly as he pushed down the anger he was supposed to be feeling. The harsh wind suddenly halted and the line cleared up. Jihoon listened. He could hear cars driving past in the background, Coups was probably outside of the school walls somewhere. He suddenly felt worried.

“Be careful, don’t do anything stupid Seungcheol.”

Jihoon typed and pressed send.

Before he realized his mistake.

“Ah, you know my name…” He muttered, his mind clouded by alcohol as Jihoon froze, his arms and legs became stiff with fear, hoping that he wouldn’t come to his senses and realize what “Woozi” had just done. “Now I wanna know yours...and,” He paused for a long time, letting his chaotic thoughts settle, “I want...to know everything about you.”

Jihoon was glad that deleting his messages was possible, but there was no telling if Seungcheol would remember his slip up or not. He quickly deleted the message and closed his eyes. Seungcheol’s voice was barely audible as the wind picked up outside. Jihoon chose to stay silent and brought the phone to his ear once again, turning off speaker phone. His mistake made his heart drop and he knew right then that he could never come clean about who he really was.

“I wish…” Seungcheol whispered, “I wish I could hug you.”

Jihoon didn’t say anything. He just wondered what it would feel like if Seungcheol hugged him. If it would be warmer, or colder than Soonyoung’s.

“Tired…” He yawned loudly, “Hope you have good dreams, Woozi.”

And the call was disconnected.

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