Jihoon-Woozi

Seungcheol-S.Coups

Seokmin-DK, Dokyeom

Jisoo-Joshua

Hansol-Vernon

Minghao-THE8

Junhui-Jun

Soonyoung-Hoshi

Chan-Dino

_____

A Thousand Versions of You

You have shed

a thousand skins

To become the person

    you are today.

And if you ever feel

overwhelmed

by the many people

 you once were,

  remember,

your bones have grown,

but what makes them

has never changed.

Nikita Gill

_____

January 4th

Jihoon typed away on his computer in the early morning sunshine, waiting for his first class to start. Winter break had only been four school days long, and he’d done nothing but sleep all day and eat whatever Seungkwan had left in his little hidden fridge beneath his desk. He barely left his room, if only to trail after Seungkwan and shower with him.

The sunshine that peeked through the new curtains on their window filtered only a bit of light through, caressing Jihoon’s morning flushed skin. Autumn had given his skin cold burns and patches of dried flesh on his arms; it was colder here than it was at his house in Busan. He often stole small amounts of Seungkwan’s expensive moisturizing cream that he had hidden away but he never got the chance to take much. There were days when it snowed, and days when it was hard to breathe but Jihoon learned to take the months one day at a time. One day at a time until he got to the morning of December 21st.

Jihoon sighed and saved the document on his computer. It’d been months since he logged on as Woozi, months since he’d given anyone new material. Surprisingly, he heard people talking about him in the hallways and even during lunch. He’d never heard them before but now it was like their words sought him out.

“Has Woozi updated anything on his blog?”

“No, I don’t think so. He’s been gone for months now.”

“It’s so weird. Do you think he’s on hiatus?”

He walked faster whenever he heard them. Jihoon’s fingers itched to just log on once before school started but he couldn’t. What was the point when he didn’t even have any new music to post up? He had even stopped talking to S.Coups.

Jihoon leaned back in his chair and let the cold morning air that lingered in his room burn his aching lungs. It’d been a week since the four blue ties touched him, or even made eye contact with him. There was a reason, of course. There’s always a reason for everything.

He rubbed his cold arms, the dry patches rough beneath his fingertips. He rubbed his freezing hands together, adjusting the silver ring that he wore on his finger. The right hand that he couldn’t stop staring at the first day he got it.

The sunlight caught the silver band and Jihoon recited the inscription inside the ring, he’d memorized it within the first moment of receiving it.

SEVENTEEN LJ 96

He felt like he was getting married the moment he put it on, like an engagement ring that promised his future away.

December 21st was the day that Seokmin knocked on his door like he was carrying some bad news, but then he broke out in a wide grin and held out a small, textured case to him. Jihoon hesitantly took the box and opened it, peering inside the tiny encasement to notice a silver ring that shone bright. He didn’t even need to explain because Jihoon understood. He talked to bright Seokmin for awhile before closing the door and staring at the ring for the next hour. He didn’t put it on, he just left it open on his desk and watched it, wondering if it’d disappear.

Seungkwan wouldn’t come back to the room for another few hours so Jihoon had some time to think quietly. Yes, think. Because he now had some time to do that, unfortunately.

Those four blue ties that he always talked about? They were always after him. It never stopped, and they’d come after him day after day after day; there were never any pauses. It was like a constantly moving train with no stops and no destinations. They hurt him whenever they had the chance. They’d push him in the halls and spit out the most horrid words to him. No matter how many times Jihoon thought about it, he could never sugar coat the things that they’d done to him. He always thought he could push away those memories and pretend like they didn’t happen but they did. And they always happened the exact same way. There was no in-between about it.

But what the hell could he do? He couldn’t keep going back and remembering those things, going over every detail, because there was no use in it. He’d just make himself angrier by doing that. He felt helpless, but he mostly felt burning rage. He never looked at his bruises too closely because they weren’t beautiful and he didn’t try to act like they were.

The point was, Jaewon, Seunghyun, Jiyong and JR were terrible people who, for some reason, hated his entire existance. They hated who he was despite not knowing him.

He’d continued to get beaten up everyday, and people would continue to pass him up in the hallways. Seungkwan would continue to nurse his wounds, Chan would look at him pitifully, Soonyoung would be angry, and Haneul didn’t even seem to notice them.

That was how his few months at Pledis Academy went. He’d explained it to himself over and over again. He kept rewinding the memories in his head, hoping that they’d be different when he pressed play again but they never were. They didn’t just rewrite themselves.

So that day in December. December 21st. Was the most terrifying day that he’d ever had. He knew that change was coming, but he was just so afraid of what was going to happen next. He’d be in a group managed by Seungcheol, and he’d get to sing and dance and do what he liked to do but at what cost? There was always a cost for something.

Why was this happening? He knew it was because Jaewon made Samuel leave, but what kind of cruel game was fate playing now? Jihoon always had the short end of the stick, was always put last, always given the worst of the pick. He just wanted to know why. Why now?

It was true that he didn’t have the courage to move on, wasn’t brave enough to put an unsteady step one after the other but he knew what he needed to do. He had to keep going because there was no other choice. There was no way in hell he’d let those four blue ties beat him down until they killed his spirit. He had to keep going. So he’d accept this card that life had thrown at him, and he’d grit his teeth and let the bitter tasting reality slip down his throat. No matter how many times he wanted to give up, he couldn’t. Like he said, there was no way in hell.

So Jihoon put on that ring and he wondered what the next day held for him. He wondered who he’d talk to, what he’d do now that he had this ring on his finger. This ring that, despite being only a few grams in weight, held more meaning than he could understand. The idea was fickle, and fragile...all of it was.

Whether Jihoon thought the rules at the school were bull or not, Jihoon now had the first meeting with Seventeen during lunch today. Seokmin had explained to him that they’d be meeting altogether after winter break was over and it was the first day back, so Jihoon was feeling slightly nervous. All of Seungkwan’s stories made him feel like he was jumping into this unprepared, face first right into a frozen lake.

“Seungkwan! Wake up, you’ll be late again.” Jihoon drawled, only putting in half the effort to wake up the sleeping teen.

“Hmm?” Seungkwan mumbled in his sleep, pulling the heavy blankets over his head to block out any sort of bothersome light. Jihoon rolled his eyes and shut down his computer, walking over to his closet to get dressed. He pulled out his garments and walked over to Seungkwan.

“Wake up!” Jihoon took his uniform shirt and slapped Seungkwan with it. The boy didn’t move but Jihoon knew he was probably awake by now. “Didn’t you set an alarm?” Jihoon asked as he quickly changed from his sleepwear to his uniform.

“Mm.” Seungkwan grunted.

That was as far as their conversation got as Jihoon packed his school bag for the day. When he was ready to leave, Seungkwan was just getting up. His brown hair sticking up all over the place.

“See you at lunch.” Jihoon said, for the first time in awhile. Since they were both in Seventeen they’d be forced to see each other now. He’d be forced to see a lot of people, actually.

_____

During lunch, he didn’t bother grabbing anything to eat because he feared he couldn’t stomach the food with as much nervousness as his body was currently holding.

To make things worse, people were actually staring at him. Actually staring. Not just glancing up once and looking away. They were openly looking at him as if he was some kind of circus show. It was just like the first day he got there but when they whispered to each other he couldn’t hear them. He didn’t need to actually, he knew they were talking about his entry into Seventeen. They wondered what he’d done to get himself into the group. As if he blackmailed them, or forced Samuel out of the group somehow.

It wasn’t even in revered respect for him (like how the other members were treated), it was just plain confusion. Maybe once everything settled down things would change, but for now people were just being people and Jihoon couldn’t find a way to get out of the spotlight, once again. After all, Act 2 had just begun.

He didn’t wait in the dining hall for Seungkwan because there were far too many people in there, so he headed to the back of the school where Seventeen’s practice room was. It would be the second time he went there but that thought didn’t unnerve him one bit.

When he entered in the hallway to the entrance of the room he bit his lip and took a moment to calm himself.

“Have you considered vocal lessons from Jeonghan?” Joshua laughed loudly at Hansol who was walking next to him.

“I think you mean, ‘Has Jeonghan considered vocal lessons from me.’” Hansol joked. They both entered into the hallway and noticed Jihoon who was standing there waiting. “Oh, hey! You’re here.” Hansol smiled softly. Joshua repeated the same action.

“Yeah.” Jihoon kept his hands secured to his backpack straps awkwardly.

“Come on.” Joshua walked ahead of them to enter into the practice room. Hansol walked side-by-side with Jihoon who still looked incredibly uncomfortable.

When they entered into the practice room it was complete and utter chaos. Jihoon expected it to be organized, but compared to the auditions, everyone was the stark opposite. He couldn’t concentrate on everything at once but before he could even figure out who was yelling, Seokmin came running up to him with a small gasp.

“You’re seriously too cute.” He suddenly told Jihoon while he shook him by the shoulders. Jihoon’s eyes narrowed at the term. “I’m glad you’re on our team now.” He slung an arm around him and pulled him along further into the mirrored room. Mingyu was sitting on the floor, eating his lunch and a few others were playing around.

“Did you bring any food?” Seokmin asked, searching Jihoon’s body for an extra bag that his lunch would be in.

“Uh, I-”

“If you didn’t that’s okay, you can share mine. Actually, I think we have some crackers hidden somewhere in that back door. I could look if you want?”

“No that’s okay, I just-”

“Or we can walk to the cafeteria real quick. I don’t think Seungcheol would mind. The new members get special treatment sometimes.”

“I think I’ll just-”

“Did I mention how cute you were?” Seokmin used his index finger to poke Jihoon gently in the cheek.

Jihoon sighed heavily, annoyed. Luckily, Seungcheol had taken that moment to walk into the room with a couple books in his hands. “Seokmin.” He warned, and Seokmin was right back to doing whatever it was that he was doing before Jihoon walked in there.

Seungcheol walked over to Jihoon and looked at his right hand. “Good, you’re wearing your ring.” He set down the heavy books on the ground and Mingyu, who was eating food nearby, shot over and started looking through them. The title read of some kind of lyricist’s book, but Jihoon wasn’t completely sure. “Since you’re part of this group now, make sure you wear the ring at all times. If something happens and you’re booted from Seventeen, you’ll have to give this back.”

Jihoon suddenly had a flashback to when he talked to Samuel. It must have been so difficult for him to return his ring. Jihoon avoided Seungcheol’s eyes as he played with the ring on his finger. He felt guilty, like him taking Samuel’s place was his fault.

“Welcome to the group.” Seungcheol said, standing up to his full height in front of Jihoon. He didn’t smile at him, like Seungkwan had said he often did, he just waited for a “thanks” that didn’t ever come.

“I’m glad you’re here, Jihoon.” Mingyu chimed from the floor, obviously having listened in on their conversation. Jihoon looked over at the tall kid who was bent over the book, concentrated.

“I am too.” He replied. With that, Seungcheol left to the back of the room where a table sat with a bunch of papers on it.

Jihoon stayed where he was at in the middle of the practice room. Chan wasn’t there yet, nor was Seungkwan, Soonyoung or Jeonghan. He observed everyone: Jun and Minghao going over some dance movements, Seokmin was scarfing down some weirdly shaped pastry as he played a loud game on his phone, Mingyu was looking at some book, Wonwoo was listening to music in the corner and Josh and Hansol were on the floor, doing homework or something of the sort. They weren’t doing anything that was too loud, but altogether it was a cacophony of nerve-grating noises.

He awkwardly moved over to the practice room wall and sat against it. He took out his phone and began to play a game, waiting for Seungkwan, Soonyoung or even Chan to walk through the door.

After another 5 minutes of Jihoon awkwardly pretending to beat his previous score on his game, Seungkwan finally rushed through the door with a bowl in his hands and chopsticks sticking out of his uniform jacket. “I’m not late!” He laughed loudly in relief, collapsing to the floor in a tired heap.

“That’s a first.” Hansol teased, glancing up from his homework with a small smile on his face. Seungkwan scoffed and crawled across the floor to sit next to Hansol. Jihoon watched it all happen, Seungkwan didn’t even greet Jihoon, or even notice that he was sitting there. He looked back down at his phone and began to play his game again. He wasn’t bothered. Seungkwan deserved to be with his best friend again. Jihoon was glad to see them so comfortable around one another like that, knowing all that had happened.

Jihoon could hear them all talking together. Pretty soon Chan bounded through the doors with a bright grin on his face. He too, didn’t notice Jihoon. His eyes were only set on Seungcheol who was still at the table in the corner of the room. He went over to him and greeted him, his hands behind his back curiously like a young child who wasn’t allowed to touch--wasn’t allowed to get too close.

This was the moment that Jihoon took to really watch them. They talked so effortlessly. How could Chan forget all the times that Seungcheol treated him badly? If he could get into Chan’s brain what would he be thinking? Chan was a smart kid, he knew what he liked, what he didn’t, and who to avoid. What made Chan change?

When Soonyoung walked through the door he was with Jeonghan and they were chatting about something or another. They were sharing a bowl of fruit together. Jihoon couldn’t believe any of it. This was what it was like inside? Soonyoung was friendly with someone who hated him, Chan was close with someone who he hated, and Seungkwan was just trying to figure out his friendships. It all gave Jihoon a headache.

“Oh! Jihoon!” Soonyoung handed Jeonghan back the little fork he was using to pick the fruit out and he ran over to Jihoon and slid into place beside him against the wall. “What’s up?” He grinned, his eyes resembling the form of a charming cat’s eyes. Jihoon smiled and finally put away his phone.

“Not much.” He shrugged. Seungkwan spun around where he was sitting with wide eyes.

“Jihoon!?” He caught his eyes and smiled, “I didn’t even know you were here yet!”

Jihoon shrugged with a distant smile. Why did they suddenly feel like strangers? Soonyoung began to talk about this and that, leaving Jihoon to listen attentively. It was the first actual conversation he’d had all day, not counting the waking-up he did with Seungkwan this morning.

After everyone arrived, Seungcheol took to the middle of the practice room to do introductions. Jihoon guessed it would be like when Seungkwan first met with Seventeen. It was such an odd story.

“Okay guys.” he called and everyone settled down with what they were doing. Seokmin came over to sit next to Soonyoung. Chan also came over to say hi to Jihoon briefly before sitting down next to him. “Today’s the first official meeting for January, so we’ve got a lot to go over.” Instead of standing up in front of everyone, Seungcheol took a seat on the floor. “But before we do that, I want everyone to introduce themselves to Jihoon, regardless if you know him or not. Starting from Hansol.”

Hansol looked up from his homework, “I’m Chwe Hansol, a rapper and lyricist for Seventeen. You can come to me for pretty much anything. I resolve issues within the group so it won’t disturb Seungcheol’s duties as Student Head.”

Hansol looked over to Seungkwan who rolled his eyes. “Is this really necessary? We’re dorm mates.” Seungkwan deadpanned. Seungcheol motioned for him to continue. Jihoon laughed a little in amusement. “Whatever, my name is Boo Seungkwan and I’m a new member and main vocalist for Seventeen now.” He said proudly, looking over to Wonwoo and Mingyu who were nearby.

“I’m Kim Mingyu, I’m a rapper and lyricist as well.”

“Me too.” Wonwoo interrupted.

“He’s Jeon Wonwoo. You know us already but you can come to us with lyric ideas, we take care of managing events and stuff like that so…”

“Yeah.” Wonwoo finished.

Jihoon nodded and looked over to Jeonghan who was next to them. He was trying so hard not to meet Jihoon’s eyes but he did anyway. “I’m Yoon Jeonghan, a vocalist for Seventeen.”

Everyone looked to Joshua who was next.

“Hong Joshua, from America. I’m a vocalist too. I also rearrange songs for the group sometimes.” He raised his hand politely.

“I’m also a vocalist. My name’s Lee Seokmin.” Seokmin chimed in from beside Soonyoung. “You can come to us for anything. Since you’re probably going to be assigned vocalist as well. We practice together in the dorms often so you’ll be invited to those if you want.”

“Thanks…” Jihoon agreed modestly.

“And I’m Wen Junhui, but you can just call me Jun. Minghao, Soonyoung, Chan and I all choreograph for Seventeen.”

“I’m Xu Minghao, Jun and I are from China so my Korean is not very good but I’m getting better, I’ve been studying a lot.” He smiled proudly.

“Lee Chan.” Chan introduced with a soft smile and a little laugh. “We know each other already and I don’t do much yet in Seventeen but I can help you adjust in any way you need.”

Jihoon patted Chan on the knee.

“I’m here too.” Soonyoung joked. “I’m Kwon Soonyoung, we’ve known each other for a while now, so I can’t say much. Only that I’m glad you’re here.” He slung an arm around Jihoon proudly.

“Lastly,” Seungcheol cleared his throat, “I’m the leader, Choi Seungcheol. I’ve been the leader of Seventeen for a long time. The people who are in this group right now are the people who I personally think belong in this family. That includes you now. I’ll do my best to protect you and everyone else from anything harmful. If that makes sense, and you understand it, then we can move on with today’s plans.”

Jihoon looked over to Seungkwan who had a soft smile on his face. He wished there was something else there. An underlying warning telling him to speak up and ask him what Seungcheol’s game was but there was nothing but peaceful, warm happiness on Seungkwan’s features. He looked back over to Seungcheol and quietly nodded.

“Okay, then. Anyone want to catch Jihoon up on what’s been going on these past months?” Seungcheol asked anyone but he really meant Hansol because Hansol immediately began to speak up.

“Oh, yeah. We’ve got a competition on the last day of January. Nobody within the school knows about these competitions except for Seventeen, so that’s probably why you haven’t heard of it.” Hansol closed his books and put his homework aside.

“We’ve been planning everything out for a while but so far we’ve hit obstacle after obstacle. Every single song we’ve worked with has failed and we’re on a very tight schedule now. We have to rush to find a new song and work on new choreography so it’s a good thing you’re here. Maybe you can help some.”

Jihoon looked thoughtful. So, that’s why everyone seemed so busy. There was always a tension on Seventeen’s faces whenever he seen them around the school but he never knew why. So, there was a competition...and he’d be performing too?

“A competition? A group competition?” Jihoon asked.

“Yes, all of us will be competing but there’s other divisions too. The vocal team has been working together, and so has the hip hop team and performance team. There’s going to be a huge prize this year so everyone is working extra hard. Especially our rivals.”

“Ah…”

“Anyway, so that’s where we're at now.” Hansol sighed, as did the rest of them. “It’s already the fourth.” He mumbled beneath his breath.

“There’s no time to panic now, though. We’ve got to work together if we’re going to get this right.” Seungcheol said, “We need a group song to work with. Does anyone have any new ideas?”

“Well, the song can’t be over three minutes long.” Jun mumbled. “If they had told us that from the beginning, we wouldn’t be in this mess,” he said bitterly.

“Should one of us compose something?” Hansol asked, looking over to Mingyu and Wonwoo who had some experience with it. Soonyoung and Chan looked over to Jihoon simultaneously. He shook his head at them as a warning.

“I’m not very good with things like that.” Wonwoo said, Mingyu agreeing with him.

Soonyoung and Chan were about to volunteer Jihoon to do it, but before they could Mingyu gasped suddenly. “Wait a second.” He snapped his fingers, a lightbulb going off in his head. “Hyung, how about one of Woozi’s songs? You know him right? Can you ask him if he can compose something for us?”

Jun and Minghao agreed feverently. Soonyoung tensed beside Jihoon, and Chan looked over at him in concern. Seungcheol thought it through in his head for a moment before replying. Jihoon couldn’t help but notice that he looked slightly dejected.

“I don’t know, guys. He kind of disappeared on me. We haven’t talked in a while either.”

“We can come up with something else then, huh?” Soonyoung suggested, trying to save the situation.

“No, it’s a good idea. We should try it at least.” Seungkwan said, talking through a mouthful of rice.

“An original composition from Woozi would be amazing.” Joshua said excitedly.

“Yeah, there’s no chance anybody else will have the same song...and Woozi’s kind of a genius isn’t he?” Jeonghan asked.

Seungcheol looked over to Hansol for his input but he looked just as unsure as he did. “It’s the best option.” He shrugged. “I guess it’s worth a try. If anyone, Woozi would be the one to help us. He’s a master in his craft, and he’ll save us time too. That’s for sure.”

“Is it agreed then?” Seungcheol asked everyone in the room.

Everyone was so loud in saying “yes” that nobody noticed that Soonyoung, Chan and himself didn’t say anything.

“Okay, then. Let’s practice our sets for now until lunch is over. Jihoon, you can stay and watch if you want to but I won’t force you. We’ll go over some more things after school.” Seungcheol stood up from his place on the floor and stretched.

Jihoon nodded.

It only took a few minutes for them to settle themselves and begin to practice. Soonyoung, Seokmin and Chan got up and began to do whatever they were supposed to do. It was so odd, seeing all of them work together. Most importantly, Jihoon was curious about Seungcheol.

When Jihoon seen him smile at the other members, it was like he was watching an actor. Seungcheol had no problem playing different roles. He didn’t mind acting on screen and off. Whenever he laughed, Jihoon’s chest ached from finally being able to see it in real life. He even got to see the way his eyebrows raised in silent amusement, his eyes shut tightly.

Jihoon was so entranced that he barely noticed Seungkwan next to him, watching their leader as well.

“You see?” Seungkwan whispered and Jihoon nodded his head, “I told you he acted different.”

Jihoon never felt the need to concentrate on his heart to make sure it was still beating. However, in this very moment with Seungcheol in front of him, he feared that if he did not focus on making his heart beat it might have stopped altogether.

_____

“He’s not answering his phone.” Jihoon’s mother nervously tapped her nails against the counter. She spared one stressed glance toward her husband. “Do you think he’s in class?” She asked worriedly and checked the time on her watch.

“I don’t know.” He said gruffly. He ran a hand through his hair and over his face. His eyes had become more and more swamped with anger and stress. Whenever his wife looked at him, his eyes were so hard and cold. “Deal with this. I’ll wait in the hallway.”

He left and Jihoon’s mother bit her lip so hard that she drew blood. She closed her eyes tightly and hung her head. It was the fifth time that she had called Jihoon. Although she didn’t want to tell her son that his sister was hospitalized in late October, now seemed like more of a serious issue than anything. Jihoon deserved to know what was going on.

“Come on, Jihoon.” She whispered to herself as she stared at the confusing sheet of paper in front of her. It was filled with a bunch of scribbles from the doctor that circled important facts and things like that. It was all confusing jargon that swirled around in her brain, making her headache so much worse.

With the seventh call, Jihoon finally picked up.

“Mom? What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

Jihoon’s mother moved to speak but nothing came out. closed up and she took that moment to clear her mind although the tears fell from her eyes smoothly. “Yes, Ji.” She sighed and looked up at the ceiling in hopes that no more of her tears would escape. “Everything is fine, I just thought I’d check in to see how you’re doing.”

“Uh, Okay. I just got out of my last class of the day, I’m heading to practice.”

“Oh, good.” His mother smiled softly. “I’m so glad you’re working hard, Jihoon.”

“Mom.” He said sternly. “Is everything really okay?”

His mother stopped and sighed heavily. She shook her head. Her pale, slender hand coming up to her face to cover it. She let out a soft, heart-wrenching sob, alerting Jihoon to her pain and sorrow. “We took Minseo to the hospital today.” She started, causing Jihoon to stay silent. “She was in a lot of pain...so they took some tests.”

She wiped her eyes with shaking hands. “They told us that her condition has escalated.” She cried out softly, “Minseo needs surgery within the next month, Jihoon. She needs surgery.”

“Slow down, Mom.” Jihoon said. Although his voice sounded steady he was panicking inside. His whole world couldn’t be taken away from him. Not yet. “Is she okay now? Is she hurting?” He asked.

“No, she’s sleeping.” Jihoon’s mother sighed and looked towards the hallway that led to Min’s room. “They gave her some sedatives so she could rest but they don’t know when or how much pain she’ll be in tomorrow morning.”

Jihoon paused with a heavy sigh. “Okay,” he said softly. “Then what does this mean? What will the surgery do?”

The paper shook as she held it up to her face, her blurry vision making it difficult to see. “It’ll reduce her pain. The doctor said a few things but I can’t repeat them Jihoon, I can’t. If she doesn’t have this surgery...” A small whimper ripped through . Jihoon tried so hard not to cry but hearing that sound from his mother made him duck into the nearest empty classroom and wipe his eyes.

“Okay, okay. Just make sure she’s happy and relaxed about it. Comfort her as much as possible, I don’t want her to be scared about the surgery.”

Jihoon’s mother continued to cry.

“Mom, you have to be strong. For Minseo.” He wiped his eyes again with his uniform sleeve. “She’ll be okay, I promise. She’ll recover well, I know she will.”

“Jihoon…” His mother said softly.

“Yes?” He asked quietly.

“We can’t afford the surgery.”