[PART 2]

_____

You cannot create

a monster and then

condemn it. Hate

it’s ugly features,

it’s terrible gait.

When I look into

the mirror I do not

see myself

but all of you

who made me.

-David Jones

____

At the end of the week Jihoon was called into the headmaster’s office quite suddenly. He was sitting alone in his dorm room when Jungkook had knocked on his door and told him that the headmaster wanted to see him. As simple as that.

Within a few minutes he was outside and being pointed to the front of the school where a big, old-looking brick building was set up on a hill with a winding path leading up to it. He felt scared and nervous and he wondered what on earth it could be that the headmaster wanted. Maybe he wanted to talk about the incident or maybe this was it and he was going to tell him to pack up and leave the school. Maybe the four blue ties were waiting in there to settle the score.

Jihoon wrung his hands and before he knew it he was headed up the pathway. It was quiet where he was walking. He heard no murmurs, nothing.

He opened the front door and was face-to-face with some lady at an extravagant desk. She smiled and immediately picked up her phone, speaking into it with twitching lips. “Lee Jihoon has arrived.”

The lady then motioned to the stairs, “Please go on up, the headmaster is there in the office. You’ll know it when you see it.”

Jihoon thought that was rather pretentious but he didn’t show it on his face as he gave his thanks to the woman and headed up the stairs. His steps clicked with every stair he climbed. It was that quiet in the room.

He made his way up and immediately seen, at the end of the hall, double doors that were closed firmly. The intricate gilt carving designs in the door frames caught his attention first. His footsteps echoed loudly throughout the hallway as he made his way down. He immediately fixed his hair and straightened out his clothing. Having already changed out of his uniform, he was now nothing more than Lee Jihoon.

Without bothering to knock, (Jihoon figured that he had taken his footsteps coming down the hallway as enough warning) he opened the door slowly.

The headmaster was sitting in his chair, flipping idly through a stack of paperwork on his desk. “Good evening, Mr. Lee.” He greeted without so much as looking up.

To look so closely at the man behind this terrible school made him fill up with hot anger. The subtle look of fatigue on the headmaster’s face with his sharp features and gently wrinkled skin just seemed misplaced. Jihoon liked to think that his exhaustion was a result of what had happened the last week.

“Hello,” he greeted back. He couldn’t bite away the sharp tone in his voice.

Finally, the headmaster looked up and the first thing he did was size Jihoon up from his shoes to the hair on the top of his head. Jihoon looked down at the hand-woven rug on the ground and hesitated to step onto it into the sitting area. Or maybe he wanted to sink his muddied shoes right into the fabric. He couldn’t tell.

“Please, come here.” He pointed at the seat in front of him. Jihoon obeyed and stepped onto the rug and sat down in the plush chair. “I’m very happy to finally meet you.”

Jihoon didn’t think likewise so he didn’t voice his thoughts. He could tell that the headmaster had just as much patience for him as he did. There was an air about the man that warned Jihoon to be very careful.

“I see you’re not a very talkative person, so let’s skip the formalities, yes?” A certain spark in the man’s eyes made shivers run up and down his spine. He looked around for any visible threat but there was nothing. “I have something that you need.”

“Pardon me?”

The headmaster set his paperwork to the side and cleared his desk to make way for his powerful hands to rest atop the dark oak of his desk. His veins bulged from his hands and up into his wrists. “Tell me about your family back in Busan, Mr. Lee.”

“I…I...” Jihoon forced himself not to stutter but he ended up doing it anyway. His damn traitorous mouth and hands shook with unwanted tremors. “I have a sister and...my parents of course.”

“A sister, huh?” He smiled, like he truly cared. “I was so sorry to hear that she was sick. I send my condolences.”

Connections and clues as to how he knew about Minseo traced themselves through Jihoon’s mind but he couldn’t figure it out. The only way the headmaster would know about that is if he had people give him information on his family. In which case, he knew a lot more things about him than he had thought. He had...more power over him than he thought. Much more power.

“Okay then.” Jihoon narrowed his eyes and tightened his fists, “You know about my family, I get it. So what do you want?”

“It’s simple,” the man stood up from his desk. Jihoon was at a loss for words so he chose to stay silent as the headmaster made his way to the front of the desk. He towered over Jihoon’s small self intimidatingly, sinking his claws into the prey simply by setting his eyes on him.

Jihoon strained his neck just to look up and into his eyes.

“I’ll pay for your sister’s surgery,” he offered.

Almost immediately Jihoon’s eyes sprang to life, shining brightly with misty tears. A single ray of hope dashed his ability to think clearly, and like all his prayers had been answered, his lips twitched with a relieved smile while forgetting exactly who was standing in front of him.

“But you have to do something for me too.”

Just like that, the moment had been broken into tiny shards. Jihoon was a reflection made up of shattered glass, inside and out.

“You-” he started, angrily.

“I said it’s simple, didn’t I? Now just listen to me.” The headmaster crossed his arms and leaned back against the desk behind him, his eyes not leaving Jihoon’s for one moment. He was serious. “All you have to do is stay at Pledis Academy for as long as I want you to. You leave when I want you to, and what you do after will be my choice as well.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Jihoon controlled his facial expressions, gripping his hands together tightly like he was praying with bound wrists. “Why do you want me so badly!? I’m nothing. I have nothing to give you or this school. Nothing!”

“It doesn’t matter who you think you are. It doesn’t matter what you think you can give. I’ll make you who I want to be.” His resolve was set deeply in the way that he spoke, “You’ll be the perfect student by next year.”

“That’s…” Jihoon whimpered like he was stuck in a pit of tar and was slowly sinking to his death. He couldn’t even make any words out of the sounds stuck in his throat.

“Of course I expect you to take over Choi Seungcheol’s job next year and I expect you to take on his duties.”

“Seungcheol...he’s leaving?” Jihoon asked, his eyes wide.

“That’s correct.”

“What am I saying?” Jihoon laughed humorlessly. “He’s not leaving, you just have no use of him any longer,” he spat out.

The headmaster didn’t reply to that statement. Instead, he continued to stare at the student before him, challenging him to reject. “You entered this school as a poor student but you thrived, Lee Jihoon. We helped you thrive, isn’t that right? You’re extremely talented and you have many, many fans. You were meant to be born into this kind of world, this kind of lifestyle.”

Jihoon couldn’t believe what the man in front of him was saying. He was so unfocused from rage that he barely noticed the headmaster walk behind him and set his heavy hands atop his shoulders like a warning. All he was doing was spewing and filling his head with nonsense. “Isn’t this something you’ve always wanted? Isn’t this what you’ve endured everything for?”

“No!” Jihoon hissed and stood up, facing the headmaster without fear, his height of five-foot-four barely measuring up to the man’s chest. He narrowed his eyes at the selfish human standing before him. “I’ve only endured because I had no other choice! I have no ulterior motives. I’m nothing more than who I am and what I’ve come to be.” He forced his voice to level with the headmaster’s. He wasn’t going to lose his temper in the face of such a self-centered man.

The headmaster’s eyes turned to foreboding crescents as he smiled menacingly, acid dripped off his tone as he said his next words. “I don’t think you understand Mr. Lee. If you decline my offer then you’ll only hurt yourself and your family.”

“You wanna know what I think?” Jihoon said, still standing up straight and staring him down. “I think you’re scared.”

The headmaster smiled a little, “What do you suppose I’m afraid of, Mr. Lee?”

“Me,” he answered without missing a beat. “I’m the first person who refused you. The first person who didn’t let you get your way. The first person who really made you sweat. A poor boy has caused you to shake right where you stand and that scares the out of you. So you threaten the one thing I have left.”

“You’d rather make me one of your own and put me right under your thumb where I can be controlled and you cloak it like it’s a favor. Because you’re afraid. Tell me I’m wrong.”

A sudden stunned silence settled across the office. The headmaster didn’t let on to what he was feeling but it showed all over his face as his jaw clenched painfully.

“I’ll leave you until the end of the month to think about it.” He walked to the door and opened it for Jihoon. He paused suddenly, chancing pace and dropping his voice an octave lower. “I know your sister only has that much longer to wait and they should get started on that surgery quick, yes? We don’t want anything unfortunate to happen to her, do we.” He tilted his head, his expression taking on one of pity. “With just one phone call I can have her on the operating table today.”

“My answer is no.” Jihoon walked through the open door and headed down the hall. The headmaster didn’t close the door.

“Mr. Lee,” he called. Jihoon stopped but didn’t turn around. “If I don’t see a path, I make one.”

Jihoon stayed quiet.

“Please rethink your decision. I’ll be here if you need to speak with me.”

~

In the fall, after he turned fourteen, Seungcheol was sitting in a dorm room at Pledis Academy with a boy his age. He’d never admit it to anybody--not even himself--but that boy had made his heart beat faster than any girl had in the past.

He was like a king to everybody that he met. He was the headmaster’s favorite. The first month he made a lot of friends as his personality was compatible with everyone that he met. There was never a moment that he wished for anything to be changed. He went to every Seventeen performance there was on campus and off. He watched his roommate until his eyes burned, he wrote lyrics until he passed out, he studied music until he was sick. It was a perfect love that he created for himself.

It was at the entrance ceremony the following year that Seungcheol had gotten to meet the headmaster’s wife. She had asked him how his mother was doing and that was when he understood the sharp gaze in her eyes. She knew about the headmaster’s sick ways of cheating and she knew of his own mother’s will to let it happen. He later realized that she’d never done anything about it. That was when Seungcheol wondered if anybody around him had ever displayed a healthy, beautiful relationship. One of love and happiness.

When he was just a boy and his family took him to church there was a couple in the front row. It was a woman with wavy auburn hair sitting with another woman with long, straight black hair. She wore a beautiful hairpin. They whispered in each other’s ear throughout the service. Then when everyone was dismissed they stood up with their gloved hands entwined tightly. As they stood outside in their heels Seungcheol walked past, watching as they laughed with one another, their body language so close and so intimate that he wished to capture the moment in his mind. So that’s what he did. As one kissed the other on the corner of the mouth, he was pulled away quite roughly by his mother.

Seungcheol thought that maybe that was the only real display of love he had ever witnessed in his parent’s world. And it had been by chance.

That year the headmaster called him into his office and had a long talk with him. The school needed a new Student Head, as the other had just graduated. He wanted Seungcheol to try his hand at it.

“You’re the best choice so far so just try it out. What do you say? Sound like a deal?”

“Why did you choose me, sir?” Seungcheol asked, before anything else. “If you don’t mind me asking…” The headmaster sat back in his chair and smiled so gently and kindly that Seungcheol had been fooled. He’d been fooled so bad.

“I’ve reviewed your file and you’re a very impressive student. Especially for one as young as yourself.” He folded his hands, “I trust your judgement Seungcheol.”

What he really meant to say was that he trusted the way he could easily be molded. He trusted the way he could be manipulated.

“You really think so, sir?”

“I do. And your mother will be very pleased, I’m sure. I’ll put in a good word for you. This is in fact, the highest honor.”

“Then I’ll do the best I can!”

Seungcheol had done his dirty work.

Until his hands were stained.

Seungcheol changed with the years. The people he used to hang out with became nameless, became less important. His roommates had been changed, his thoughts shifted. The headmaster had gotten under his skin and into his very being. His soft heart, although it had always been black, was now crushed in a heavy fist.

There was a time he remembered the names of all the people he mistreated but as the school years stretched on, the names became lost within the multitude of teary, world-weary eyes.

His whole self became a lie.

Where a boy in a grown up’s world had once been, there was now a man who lived in a world that was all his own. It was no longer his parent’s world but the two realms felt the same. That was probably the worst tragedy of it all.

The world that could’ve been his became someone else’s.

~

Heading back to the dorms was one of the strangest feelings he had ever had. It was true that he’d already made his decision but his gut kept telling him to head straight back to the office and beg the headmaster for forgiveness. The side of him that screamed he was running out of options wanted to go back there but his other side--his stubborn side--knew that there had to be another way.

With just one nod, his sister could’ve had that surgery to prolong her life and all he had to do was sign his future away to the most evil man he knew. Jihoon ached inside at the way the headmaster had tried to force him into that position. There was no way he could do it, but if it really came down to it he knew he would.

When Jihoon arrived back at the dorms Seungcheol was waiting there with Seungkwan and they were both talking amongst themselves until they noticed him in the hallway.

“He’s back!” Seungkwan hopped up quickly and pulled Jihoon into the room. “What happened? Jungkook told us you were asked to the headmaster’s office!”

“I was.” Jihoon headed over to his bed and sat down. Seungcheol watched him warily, his eyebrows pressed together in concern.

“What did he say?” Seungkwan asked.

“What did he want?” Seungcheol mirrored.

“If it’s okay, I want to talk to Seungcheol about this first.” Jihoon said quietly, almost guiltily. Seungkwan didn’t look in the least bit saddened to be left out. He actually jumped right up and got to the door in record time, closing it behind him with a gentle smile. Seungcheol sat on the bed next to Jihoon and faced him.

“What is it?” He asked, his eyes still burning curiously.

“It was about Minseo,” Jihoon said. “He wanted to pay for her surgery.”

“Your sister?”

“Yes,” he folded his hands nervously. “I don’t know if she’ll ever get better but she needs that surgery at the end of this month.”

“Then what did the headmaster want from you?”

Jihoon found it difficult to put into words. What was he supposed to say? That the headmaster wanted to replace Seungcheol with himself? That he wanted a new Student Head? A new leader of Seventeen? He could be none of those things.

“I don’t know...he wanted me to be like you.” Jihoon said, letting the words drop from his mouth and lay stagnant in the air.

“Like me?”

“Yeah. He wanted to make me like you.”

Seungcheol seemed to know what that meant, “You rejected him?”

“I did, but I’m having second thoughts. I don’t know what to do…”

“You did the right thing.”

“Where am I going to get that money?”

Seungcheol’s mind began concocting different plans but they all almost immediately fell through in his head. He would’ve offered to pay for it gladly but he had not a penny to his name anymore. Not to mention nearly all of Seventeen had a ty relationship with their parents and none of them would agree to pay for some else’s surgery.

Suddenly, he thought of a plausible idea. Plausible.

“Wait a second.” He snapped his fingers, “How much do you need exactly? Give me an estimate.”

“$18,000 at least…” Jihoon whispered. Just hearing that amount made him sick.

“The competition we’re competing in has prize money.” Seungcheol gripped Jihoon’s shoulder and stood up. “It’s $5,000 for every category. There’s four in total but we’re competing in three. If we get that money do you think your parents can deal with the remaining amount?”

“That’ll never happen Seungcheol. That means we’d need to win nearly all of the categories. That’s almost impossible.”

“Maybe, but it’s worth a damn shot.”

“No, it’s selfish. Seventeen has been working hard for this. If they win that money it’s only fair that-”

“Are you kidding? Those kids would give you the shirt’s on their backs. Seokmin thinks you’re the cutest thing to walk the earth. Mingyu and Chan adore you. I even bet Joshua would destroy his guitar for you and burn it to keep you warm.” Seungcheol grinned at the face Jihoon made. “Hell, I’m sure even Jeonghan would give that money up for your sister.”

Jihoon shrugged heavily.

“There’s just a favor I have to ask you,” Seungcheol said seriously.

“Yes?”

“I think you should lead Seventeen for the competition.” He smiled softly, “I think you can get them ready better than I can.”

With a shake of the head he declined the favor. “I’ll help,” he looked him in the eyes with a set, determined stare. “But I’m not interested in being a leader. That will always be your job, no matter what.”

Seungcheol’s eyes brightened up at that.

“Fine. Let’s win this together, then. For Minseo.”

_____

When Seungcheol and Jihoon had presented the plan to Seventeen there was an uproar of immediate approval. The boys had never looked so invigorated or so determined in all their years of being in Seventeen. He’d been nervous to tell them that his sister was sick but most of the explaining was on Seungcheol’s shoulders and he calmly explained to everyone, in a simple way, that they’d be competing at the end of the month for Minseo’s surgery.

There were no unnecessary questions or comments, just words of encouragement and reassurance that she’d be okay and that they’d be sure to do their best to win. Jihoon had never felt so surrounded and safe in all of his life.

It was like those hugs he received, from Soonyoung and Seungcheol that he’d cherish for as long as he lived. So warm and completely raw that he felt like maybe these people who looked at him so beautifully, actually cared about him. That maybe he could learn to love them and give back what they were giving--so abundantly--to him. For the first time he didn’t feel so scared anymore. Back then he only had Minseo but now he was gifted a multitude of loud, forgiving boys who were slowly beginning to learn about him and accept him. Who were willing to fight for his sister’s well-being just as hard as he was. It was as if Minseo now had been given a dozen angels disguised as the people who he had once feared, whom he had even hated.

She’d get a real kick out of that, Jihoon was sure. Minseo would laugh for days if he ever got a chance to tell her that story. This story. To tell her everything.

“Don’t look so sad, Jihoon.” Jun patted his fringe down over his head. “It will work out, I promise you it will.”

“I’m glad you told us this.” Chan stood next to Jihoon. “When your sister gets out of surgery I’ll give her the biggest box of candy I can find.”

“She’d like that.” Jihoon smiled softly.

“Okay everyone. We have a little over a week before the competition. That’s not a lot of time, so I want everyone to work as hard as they can.” Seungcheol arranged everyone so they were all standing in a line. “The first category we’re competing in will feature the vocal team. The second will be mixed stage, and the third will be the group performance.”

“Let’s get started as quickly as possible.” Jihoon clapped his hands and directed everyone, taking the front lines while Seungcheol stood by and watched him direct everyone with a strict hand.

He set the vocal team to work first and then he moved onto the mixed team. Together, everyone fell into place with guidance from Jihoon. Seungcheol watched all of it happen before him, watching all of his kids work hard with a proud smile on his face.

More than anyone, Seungcheol was mostly in awe with Jihoon. The way he commanded attention and showed the others exactly what he wanted them to do. He was a real genius in the way he taught them and gentle in the way he guided them over and over again when they didn’t get it.

While it’s true he had conflicting, even negative thoughts about Jihoon in the past, the way he revered his talent had been and always would be the same.

His eyes looked over everyone. Hansol, pretending to hold a mic up to his face and rap his part. There were so many things he felt towards Hansol, but perhaps the strongest emotion was thankfulness. Then the others: Jun, who had become such a help to him the past year. Teaching Minghao and helping him with anything he needed. Those two, together, were always joking around and smiling. Jun was perhaps the most optimistic out of everyone and it balanced out Minghao’s tendency to get a little down. Minghao was always looking out for everyone that he hardly had the time to think about himself.

Next was Seokmin who was smiling at him when he noticed him watching him. He still remembered when he chastised him for getting drunk and neglecting his responsibilities. He loved him for that. Then there was Chan, smiling in the back, his eyes focused and all too happy. It was as if he’d rather do nothing but dance for the rest of his life.

Seungcheol moved over to the right and watched Wonwoo. He was a quiet presence but he’d never been more needed in Seventeen. There was a time when he’d sit and talk with him in the library about everything that Wonwoo wanted to do in the future. There was never a time he had listened to him talk more then when it was about books, or his future (that always included his best friend Mingyu). Seungcheol noticed that Mingyu was always close by, watching his friend very fondly. He appreciated all of the work Mingyu did for him. The both of them. They worked so hard. They were sometimes real idiots but he’d never been happier to have them in his team.

Then there was Soonyoung. His expressions showed it all; smiling brightly while he danced. Seungcheol knew he’d finally found his place here. Soonyoung was stubborn, in the best way possible, and he was so determined. He worked tirelessly on their choreography this past month with a fiery gaze in his eyes.

Seungkwan was practicing his high notes in the corner, going over the material that Jihoon had given him. He was the one who looked over Jihoon. Who took care of him the best that he could. Seungkwan was fearless, he knew. He’d have to ask him about that in the future. With him was Joshua, the boy from L.A., with a sweet voice and a personality to match. He always gifted him health tonics and special herbs from his mother. Joshua once told him that he prayed for him every night before he slept. The selfless boy with a gentle heart.

Lastly, there was...

Jeonghan.

He had stopped giving Jihoon such a hard time but deep down he was sure he still felt burning jealousy and anger. It was something he needed to work on. They all had things they needed to work on.

Seungcheol always thought he was so pretty. That’s the word he always described him with, like a tender word used when you can’t go too deep.

When he had started to date him it was a new experience. Dating an attractive man for the first time, learning about him, wondering. There were moments when he struggled to come up with anything to say. He so desperately tried to fill the silence without even realizing how many times it had happened.

Jeonghan was a close friend of his now, even when they stopped holding hands, he still talked to him like he always would. To Seungcheol, he would always be the man who helped him realize everything. From now on, he would just be a close friend who was struggling in the same world he was.

~

Because of all the bad things that had happened to him, Seungcheol learned to hang onto the good things, and those things were a part of the only love he had ever felt in his whole life.

Seventeen, Woozi, and music.

Everywhere he looked they were there. If he had lost those things, he was sure there would be nothing left of him at all. Though he was wrapped tightly in madness there were always those and they became his reason for everything. It was a love that was more than himself.

That one fall night when he told his mother about Jeonghan had been the worst night of his life. He thought that his mother would hear nothing of what he said, but for once in her life she listened so intently that his own words had sparked a fire in her he’d never seen before. It gave her just enough anger to carve out the words that had become tattooed on his blackened, suffocating heart.

“You’re a liar! An ugly, ing liar!”

When he turned to walk out the door for the rest of his life, she had spouted off another string of words that made him snap.

“You wait until the Yoon’s hear about this. That little abomination will-”

He’d crossed the room so fast and had her backed into the stairs that she’d lost her balance and fell to her knees in front of Seungcheol. “If you dare speak a word about Jeonghan to anybody, I won’t ever forget it for as long as I live.”

His mother stood to her feet and dusted off her outfit. She wouldn’t look into Seungcheol’s eyes but she pointed at the door. “Then? Walk out that door for him and you leave behind everything or forget about your feelings and I’ll pretend as if nothing ever happened tonight.”

An ultimatum. To love without consequence was never an option for people like him.

“I’m walking out that door, Mom. You hear me? I want to see your face when I tell you this because for some reason I don’t think you’d be that bothered.” Seungcheol didn’t mean to, he wasn’t planning on it, but he let himself touch his mother’s cheek and he began to feel choked up, he began to feel pain. “This is the last time I’ll let you see me. You’ll have to search for me in my brother’s faces because I’ll never come back.”

“How does that feel?” Seungcheol asked. “Your son is telling you he’s leaving forever. But you’d rather I be dead, right? Rather I be dead than love a man.”

She pulled his hand from her face and left down the hall. She didn’t even wait for Seungcheol to leave. Maybe she thought he wasn’t serious. He was though. He kept telling himself that he was. Even as he walked outside and even as he looked back to search the windows for his mother’s peering face.

He seen nothing, though. She had been as emotionless as when he’d been beaten on that front lawn, as when her husband had died. As unfeeling as when she was with the headmaster who was married. Now, he’d have another way to remember her. When she was there in front of him, just inches away. Though he’d been so angry, he wanted to hug her and tell her goodbye. Even though she hated him, he wanted to wrap his arms around her and beg her to hug him back.

She was his first love. When he watched her fix her hair by the window and when she sat next to him on the pews in church and fed him candy to keep him quiet. He felt so good back then. Watching the women whisper to each other and leaning himself against his mother’s chest even though she scolded him. God, he felt so good.

Seungcheol felt good again within the next hour when he went to go drink. To numb himself of everything. He wanted to find love again to fill the emptiness in himself. He wanted to find love in the strangers who watched him, or in the beautiful cars that passed him. As he drank and as he cried and as he messaged Woozi he thought of everything that had went wrong. His own family had been torn apart by everything and nothing. He wanted to find that love again.

To talk to him was enough. To whisper into that phone as heavy as lead as he spilled words that made sense only to him. That was good, he thought. He loved the person who was listening to him on the other end.

The next morning he talked to the headmaster and Seungcheol knew that his mother told him something. Maybe not all of it, but she’d told him enough.

“Don’t throw your name away, don’t throw your family away.”

“If you choose this path, then there will be no one who will help you.”

He’s taken the job as Student Head that second year for his mother. Now, he kept the job for himself. If he’d refused, there would be no need for him anymore. Choi Seungcheol would be nothing and nobody. He’d have nowhere to go anymore.

He told the headmaster that he understood even though he didn’t. There was nothing about himself that he understood anymore, only things that he felt. He’d lost everything that night but it was nothing that he’d ever had from the beginning.

Still.

It hurt so much. As much as it did when he’d first realized that she never loved him.

~

“See you guys tomorrow.” Seungcheol waved everyone out and pretty soon the room was almost clear of the twelve other boys who inhabited the room. It became a little quiet as he waited for Jeonghan to pack up his things. The other was walking towards the door to leave when Seungcheol stopped him. “You up for a talk?” He asked.

“Sure, what’s up?”

Jeonghan set his bag down and waited for Chan to leave and close the door behind him before they walked to the back mirror slowly and began the conversation they both knew was coming.

“I just want you to know that I’m thankful for you.” Seungcheol smiled, “For putting up with my .”

Jeonghan tsked, “You put up with me more than I did with you.”

A serene silence settled between the two. They were separate but had the same exact thoughts and the same exact feelings.

Jeonghan looked down and stuffed his hands in his sweat pant pockets. When he looked back up his eyes were glossy and sharp. “Did you really love me back then?”

Seungcheol leaned against the mirror and the other followed suit so that they had a view of the entire practice room. “I tried my best to.”

Jeonghan nodded. He knew, he felt that their relationship had been at a breaking point for a long time now.

“The truth is I loved you a lot. Just not in the way that I should have.” He nudged his shoulder. “I love you for helping me back then. I love you for understanding.”

“I’m sorry that you lost everything because of me.” Jeonghan moved his arm and settled a comforting hand onto his soft dark brown hair. “You have nothing left because of this relationship.”

It was true, Seungcheol remembered. His mother had given him an ultimatum.

He hadn’t given everything up for Jeonghan. He’d done it for himself. Truthfully, he’d done it without thinking but now he knows he wouldn’t have done anything different.

There was a moment when he tried to leave. He contemplated graduating early and going to find work to support himself. But all he learned from his childhood was that he was a transaction and now he’d done just that. Both him and the headmaster had come to an agreement.

If he stayed until the end of the year the headmaster would send him off into the world untouched. If he didn’t stay until the end of the year he would tarnish the name “Choi Seungcheol” completely. If he chose the second option, rest assured, he’d never be allowed in the music business ever again.

So he decided to stay until the end of the year and complete his duties under the headmaster. Then, when he left for good, he wouldn’t be completely ruined. He could still be seen as the Choi’s kid. He wouldn’t be a disgrace to Pledis Academy. He’d still have a chance in the world. All he had to do was finish out the year. Even if his family was erasing everything he once was. Even if he belonged to nowhere. Even if he had nobody to go back to. At least he could still say he survived Pledis Academy and be congratulated by adults as they “ooh-ed” and “aw-ed” at his accomplishments.

He still had a chance at getting a decent job even without his parents. He was still a Choi, he was still Student Head at Pledis Academy. He was once the Headmaster’s favorite. There was still that.

“You may not have loved me in that way, but I know that you respect me.” Jeonghan smiled in the most angelic way. “That’s more than I could ever ask.”

Seungcheol turned his body and pulled Jeonghan into a tight hug, letting himself exhale loudly, their bodies breathing in and out together. All at once.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t work out. I think my heart is with someone else now.” Jeonghan whispered.

“Me too.”

“Let’s support one another from now on. Like real adults.” Jeonghan let go and held him by the shoulders, “I don’t think I can survive in this world without you, and if you need somewhere to live after you graduate then come with me.”

He paused and patted Jeonghan on the shoulder lightly in thanks. He knew he was genuine in that offer.

“You have a bright future ahead of you Jeonghan, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” He laughed lightly, “I’ll find my own way when I get out of this place, and you will too.”

He smiled.

“I have no doubt.”

_____