[PART 2: We Nowhere Men]

 

I’m going to tell you what a demon once told me:

It is okay to want your own happiness.

It is okay to care about yourself the most. It’s okay to do what is healthy for YOU.

When someone hits you, it’s okay to hit back and ask them what the hell they expected.

It’s okay.

You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of everyone heaps on you. You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re not their shiny toy.

You’re human and you have the right to say, ‘That was ty of you.’

You have a right to say, ‘Let me feed that back to you; tell me, how does it taste?’

You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions. The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours.

 

-Sonneillon V

 

_____

 

Since the crowds had scared off Jihoon he decided to take the back route to the practice rooms to make sure that he wouldn’t run into anybody. He crumpled up the paper with the girl’s number on it and tossed it into the bushes as he made his way into the building where Seventeen was.

 

With a quick fix to his wet hair and clothes he immediately headed to the practice room, pushing on the door handle. The door didn’t open.

 

Jihoon peeked into the window, knocking on it gently. Seungkwan turned back to look and he knew immediately that something had happened by the worried expression on his roommate’s face. Whatever it was, it made Jihoon’s stomach curl uncomfortably.

 

The door opened, his heartbeat quickened, his hands began to sweat. Everyone was quiet and staring at him. He walked into a strange scene.

 

It was like his eardrums burst and all he was left with was silence and a small ringing. Seungkwan looked him up and down, as did Soonyoung and Chan.

 

“Why are you...all wet?” Seungkwan asked. Right at that moment, two small droplets of water slipped from his hair and landed on the polished practice floor. He expected to get yelled at, but nobody did anything. Seungkwan’s eyes flared up as he took the edge of Jihoon’s old collared shirt and pulled at the corner to peek inside. His eyes were met with angry blue and red marks scattered all over Jihoon’s pale body.

 

“It was today…” He said in a voice that was almost like a painful pinch. His eyes opened wide in realization. Seungkwan turned back to look at the rest of them. “That picture was today!” He yelled angrily. The veins in his neck appeared as the fury bubbled up inside of him. Everyone in the room jumped at the sound of Seungkwan’s scream.

 

Seungcheol seemed to have finally had enough as he stood up, “Explain what’s going on right now,” he commanded. He took in Jihoon’s appearance. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that he was hurt, but how?

 

Everyone else moved closer, caging Jihoon in a tight semi-circle.

 

So it was true what they had thought. Once you were in Seventeen, you were supposed to be protected. If not by the school, then by the members of Seventeen. Why wasn’t that the case for him? Jihoon wondered. He seen the looks on Seventeen’s faces. He doubted it was concern for him. They didn’t know him enough to care deeply about him. It seemed more like they thought someone had sullied that unspoken rule.

 

“Who-?” Hansol suddenly spoke up and both him and Seungcheol shared worried looks.

 

Wait...Jihoon realized.

 

“Picture?”

 

Soonyoung hesitated, then snatched up his phone from the floor and unlocked it. He stared at the screen with a troubled crease in his forehead and the most heartbreaking expression on his face. Jihoon steadied himself for whatever was on that phone. He gently took the device away from him and turned the screen so only he could see it.

 

He scanned the post briefly, and then looked at the picture.

 

Jihoon somehow understood everything at that moment. That’s what Haneul’s apology was for, the hallways, that’s why they had beaten him.

 

After a moment, he handed the phone back and looked around the room. The walls weren’t caving in, the world hadn’t suddenly burst, and everyone was still here watching him. If this was how the world looked, then why did it feel like his insides were all rotten. All dead and curled in on itself in a tangle of intestines and gnawed bones. Why did it feel like his own ribs were about to collapse and kill the small fluttering creature within. Maybe this is the end, he thought.

 

Did the others know yet?

 

“Who seen it?” He asked quietly.

 

“The three of us.” Seungkwan motioned to himself, Soonyoung and Chan.

 

Mingyu raised his hand sullenly, “Me too.”

 

Jihoon looked to Seungcheol who seemed beyond confused and worried. This would be the last time they looked at one another like this. The last time Seungcheol would view Woozi and Jihoon as two separate people. He took that moment to savor the look in his eyes. The cluelessness, the frustration, the empathy that he never witnessed before. He closed his eyes and motioned to Soonyoung.

 

“Show them.”

 

Seokmin stopped the scene immediately. He walked up a few steps from the back and took Jihoon’s hand in his. “Whatever it is, we don’t need to see it.” He looked at Soonyoung who had the phone ready. “If it hurts Jihoon then we want no part of it.”

 

Jihoon patted Seokmin’s hand and replaced it back at his side. “You’ll end up seeing it anyway,“ he said shaking his head. “Besides, I want you to see it here--in this practice room--instead of out there. I want you to hear it while I’m standing right in front of you.”

 

Soonyoung gripped the phone tightly, and then passed it reluctantly to the person on his right. Wonwoo read it, skipped over the picture and then passed it on to Jun, and then to Minghao, and then to Joshua and so on. After they viewed the post they seemed disturbed, but at the same time, bewildered. Jeonghan barely had any reaction, he avoided Jihoon’s eyes. He passed the phone down to Mingyu and he passed it on to Seokmin who viewed it together with Hansol.

 

When Hansol seen it he looked to Seungcheol with wide-open eyes and he held the phone for an extra second. He looked to Jihoon with a silent question on his lips. It was almost as if Jihoon could read his thoughts. This whole time he had been WooZi, and this whole time Seungcheol had been talking to him. He knew him, he made music with him, they were close friends. This “untouchable” being was right in front of him, and Seungcheol knew nothing about it yet.

 

“Jihoon, are you sure?” He asked as he withheld the phone from Seungcheol.

 

It was all too overwhelming, he didn’t want to answer. He begged himself to open his mouth and say that no, he wasn’t sure. He would never be sure.

 

He let his head hang as he listened to Seungcheol take the phone from Hansol and tap the screen to let the lights blare against his eyes. The first thing he would see was WooZi’s name, and then he would see the picture.

 

The evidence there was crushed into tiny fragments but Seungcheol would be able to piece it together until those slivers fit together like a jagged puzzle, or maybe a dangerous cliffside. It was all chaotic, all unfair.

 

Jihoon stood there completely still. He couldn’t feel a thing. Not one thing.

 

Where there had once been a storm within him, an angry cocktail of passion and fury, there was now…

 

Nothing.

 

He opened his mouth to say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why this happened. I’ll kill those bastards for doing this.” But what had come out was a small whimper and a tired, resigned shake of the head.

 

“I don’t care anymore.” The corners of his mouth lifted in a pitiful smile. “I don’t care about it anymore.”

 

He looked up and registered that Seungcheol was still staring at the phone with a blank, numb expression on his face. Jihoon then looked at the rest of them.

 

He should have known by the looks on their faces. They didn’t seem relieved or even on his side. They looked so sad.

 

“Jihoon?”

 

He looked up to see who had said his name. It was Minghao. The boy fumbled with his sweater nervously. “Hn?” Jihoon managed to ask.

 

The boy gulped, “You’re crying.”

 

He felt it now. Hot tears spilled down his face, this time not in a dark room with his thoughts, but in front of everyone.

 

“Yeah,” he touched the tears and looked at the droplets on his fingers. “Looks like I’m not only pathetic, but a liar as well. I should be on my knees apologizing to all of you.”

 

“Idiot.” Seungcheol spoke up. “You’re the last person who should be saying sorry. When will you learn.” He said all of this while looking at the ground. Jihoon thought back to the conversation they had in the hall on his first day.

 

He wanted to look in his eyes and see what was there. Instead, Seungcheol headed straight for Soonyoung and shoved the phone against his chest. His jaw was clenched, his eyes were red, his hands shook in anger, his teeth were bared and ready to fight. He turned around and walked past Jihoon and straight to the door.

 

“Everyone, start practice. I’m going to find the ers who did this. If you even think about bothering Jihoon in the meantime, I’ll kill you.” He opened the door, and stepped halfway through when Soonyoung shouted.

 

“Wait! I’m coming with you.” He stood up and went to the door.

 

Jeonghan gave a heavy sigh and stepped forward as well.

 

“Me too.” He looked once at Jihoon whose eyes were filled to the brim with unshed, confused, tears. “Not for you. They disrespected Seventeen by doing this. I’ll make sure they get what they deserve.”

 

All three of them met at the door and were talking silently to each other. Seungcheol and Jeonghan especially.

 

A million more scenarios rushed past his vision, he could see all of them hunting Haneul down, finding the four blue ties, all who were responsible, and beating them. He couldn’t have that.

 

“No, please,” Jihoon begged. “All of you. If you do this you’re doing the same thing they did to me.”

 

A heavy silence filled the room. Soonyoung for once looked like he couldn’t believe what Jihoon had said. Seungcheol was filled with quiet, tender rage. Jeonghan seemed pissed off.

 

“Oh stop with that bull Jihoon. This isn’t the same thing.” Jeonghan walked out the door with his fists clenched in contained anger. “They’re sick. Kids like them will never learn. It’s not the same ing thing!”

 

He left down the hall, with Seungcheol trailing after him. Soonyoung walked up to Jihoon and patted his wet, dripping hair.

 

“I’ll take care of it.” He reassured Jihoon with a gentle smile. “Please, don’t worry.”

 

He left, closing the door behind him.

 

It was deadly silent as everyone stared at each other with no sense of what to do next. Seungkwan set a hand on Jihoon’s shoulder. “Well,” he sighed. “If anything, I love your music Jihoon. Though it’s really not my style, but that’s not your fault! It’s just that I-”

 

“Seungkwan, shh.” Chan pestered him. He rubbed his neck nervously.

 

“You know what, don’t pay attention to all of that. Hey,” Seokmin went to the middle of the room and retrieved his phone. “If you give me your log in information I can delete the post for you and change the password.”

 

Seungkwan looked at him with a confused expression, Seokmin smiled with a shrug, “I just don’t want him to see the picture again. Besides,” he looked to Jihoon, “I forget things easily. You can trust me.”

 

“Yeah, let him delete it Jihoon.” Minghao comforted.

 

Jihoon nodded and sat down on the floor as he didn’t have the strength to stand any longer. Hansol gathered everyone to sit in an orderly and comfortable fashion around him. Seokmin typed away as Jihoon relayed the log in information to him. Thankfully, he got into the account quickly, but before he could even make his way to the post Jihoon directed him to another page. When Seokmin scrolled down, a deactivation button was at the bottom with a four digit code.

 

Everyone looked at him for an answer.

 

“It’s okay.” He said and urged Seokmin to press the button and enter the code but the boy wouldn’t touch it. “I can’t remember what the joy of posting a new song felt like. Over the past few months, all it’s brought me is more and more pain.”

 

Seungkwan hid his face in his hands so he wouldn’t have to see. All he listened to was the soft mutter of Jihoon’s voice.

 

“No, you can’t.” Chan resisted. “Please don’t.”

 

“It’s okay...I want it to be over. It doesn’t bring me happiness anymore. You can understand that right?” Jihoon asked and rested his hand on Chan’s untamed hair. The boy wiped his eyes and nodded. He was his fan, after all. And a very good friend. One of the first in the hell that had become his reality.

 

“Here,” Seokmin handed Jihoon the phone.

 

With a simple four digit confirmation code, Jihoon wiped everything away and it was all over within a couple of minutes. The late night conversations, the comments, the music, the happiness, the joy, the pain.

 

“Everyone, let’s all forget.” Seokmin put his fingers to his head to act like he was in the process of deleting his memories. He gave Jihoon a thumbs up, “All good!”

 

“Thank you.” Jihoon looked at the phone in front of him and tried his hardest to erase, but it just wasn’t so easy this time.

 

More than anything, he was humiliated. Yes, more than anything else, seeing himself in such a way was so humiliating. Everyone else had seen it too. Inside the room, outside the room, in the school, and far beyond.

 

“Right now, nothing can touch you as long as you’re in this room. With us.” Mingyu added quietly.

 

“Should we practice until those three come back?” Hansol asked gently. Seungkwan smiled at him encouragingly.

 

Jihoon was still lost in his thoughts but he nodded at the right-hand man anyway. Those three had left. Soonyoung, Jeonghan, and Seungcheol.

 

He knew now, so what was he going to do?

 

“Okay, everyone!” Hansol commanded attention over the room. “We have a few weeks until the competition. Today we’re going to be discussing…”

 

_____

 

“He was your friend.” Soonyoung said softly and looked for any kind of response from Seungcheol but he got nothing. “I mean, couldn’t you even see it?” He asked and shoved his shoulder to try and get him to face him but he kept walking. Jeonghan was far behind the two of them yet he watched the scene warily. “I held it back all this time, but now? With everything being revealed like this? I just can’t-”

 

“Soonyoung, stop, please. I wasn’t involved in this.”

 

“That’s the problem! You never got involved! You just stood there while he took everything! You didn’t even help him out!”

 

If you see the look in their eyes, then you’ll know. It’s as if they see right through us, over us, behind us. We’re the same to them as any other person. I see you’re the one who looked at me before. I looked at you for the first time that day and I seen you. I seen you and I wondered.

 

“You were the one with the most power here and yet you-!” He groaned in frustration and pulled at his hair. “You’re such a….a….you’re such a….” He huffed. “Forget it.” Soonyoung had tears in his eyes by the end of his yelling fit.

 

But when you looked at me that day. Really looked at me. You seen right through me. You seen over me and behind me. I wasn’t there.

 

I wonder how long it took you to forget about me. Forget about all of it, or if you ever really had. Maybe you were just good at pretending, like me. We were fed lines from the start. Strings were tied to our wrists like puppets and we weren’t allowed to go very far but just in circles. Circles and circles until-

 

we fell.

 

And when we fell, I went first.

 

“They treated him badly the whole time. Your friend. The one you cared so much for online, but offline...he was just another student for you to throw around. You know, you really are pathetic.”

 

But you. You held onto that last thread because you’re stronger than I was. Than I will ever be. You’re strong, and I wanted to pull you with me.

 

Now I desperately want to take you in my arms and hold you and apologize for everything bad that ever happened. But I can’t.

 

Because you’re stronger than I am. Than I will ever be.

 

Seungcheol listened quietly to what Soonyoung had to say. Yet all of it just went over his head. Everything felt heavy. There were so many things he wanted to do, and out of all of them, he found the strength to do none.

 

“That’s enough.” Jeonghan said and jogged up to them, falling in line between them so they wouldn’t fight. “We’ve got another battle to worry about right now.”

 

Soonyoung rubbed his eyes, “I don’t want to be mad at you, Seungcheol.” He bit his lip, “Listen, I’m sorry. I guess I shouldn’t have expected you to…”

 

“No, I deserve it all. Whatever you have to say, whatever you want to do. I deserve it.”

 

Seungcheol kept his head down and continued to walk over the grass and towards the dining hall.

 

“I shouldn’t be taking this out on you. I feel like I’m losing my mind here,” Soonyoung whispered angrily.

 

“You and me both.”

 

“So who are we looking for? Our prime suspects?” Jeonghan asked.

 

“The people who targeted Jihoon in the past were the four blue ties. We’ll need to locate them first and see what they know. If you see Jaewon or Jiyong, tell me immediately.”

 

“Got it.”

 

_____

 

After lunch was over Seungcheol, Jeonghan and Soonyoung spotted Jaewon walking alone back to the dorms. They all dragged him back to his room and holed up there while everyone was in class.

 

“Oh, don’t be upset at me.” Jaewon cross his arms protectively over his chest. “I wasn’t the hacker who got your little friend’s information.”

 

“Tell me who it was,” Seungcheol seethed. “Now.”

 

“I know you’re not dumb. Who’s the only person you can think of who’d stir trouble up like this? The only one in pinky’s life who seemed out of place?”

 

Seungcheol’s mind spun with all kinds of ideas but all he could think about was getting his hands on the student in front of him and wrenching everything terrible out of him, beating his skin in until it burst with colors. He looked into Jaewon’s mirthful eyes. So if it wasn’t him who obtained Jihoon’s password, then who was it?

 

He froze.

 

“Haneul?”

 

“Yes, .”

 

Seungcheol lunged at Jaewon and grabbed his collar, twisting the fabric so hard that he ripped through it with his fingernails. “I know Haneul,” he gritted out through his teeth. “He may be a smart- troublemaker but he wouldn’t do like that to Jihoon.” He forced his balled up hands into Jaewon’s windpipe and the boy’s face went red. He struggled for a moment, then forced the hands away from him just enough so he could breathe. A gutteral sounding cough escaped his throat.

 

“S-smartass, yes. But...not in the way you think,” he coughed. “He’s stupid enough to take on someone else’s greed.”

 

“Liar.”

 

“Don’t believe me then. You don’t have to, just ask him...yourself.”

 

“Fine, but after this.” Seungcheol grabbed Jaewon again with newfound strength, fueled by frustration, and slammed him into the wall, reveling in the way his bones cracked painfully. Jaewon groaned, his barely-open eyes shone fearfully, reflecting the face of three angry boys.

 

“You hypocrite!”

 

“Shut your damn mouth,” Soonyoung muttered. “You’re lucky Jihoon isn’t here to kick your with us. That kid is too good for you. All of you. Pathetic,” he kicked him once, “piece of,” twice, “.” Three times. Jaewon yelled out in pain and held his body where it began to burn.

 

“Hy-hypoc...rites.”

 

“Oh shut up. I hate when people use that word!” Jeonghan hissed. “People like you just love to use it to hide behind.  You get away with doing ty things and get offended when people do the same things back to you. I’m tired of all of it!” He yelled, his voice trembled as he thought of all the injustices against him and the excuses his cowardly father made up. He wondered why on earth he never fought back. “We don’t have to sit here and wait for you to grow up and move on. Jihoon’s not a ing toy you can mess around with whenever you want! We’re done swallowing all of your bull!”

 

Jeonghan sighed as he calmed down from his fury. He looked over to Seungcheol and Soonyoung who were watching him with wide eyes. He cleared his throat, embarrassed. ”Seriously annoying.” He added and grabbed Jaewon’s hair roughly. “I hope you know that this is for Samuel too. If he stops smiling one day, I’ll hunt you down for the damage you’ve done.”

 

Seungcheol snapped out of his reverie and looked to Jaewon.

 

“Now it’s your turn to endure.”

 

_____

 

Jihoon eyed everyone in the room as they broke off into units to practice their songs. The lunch bell had rung several minutes ago to signal the end of break. Hansol made the choice to keep every Seventeen member in the practice room until their leader returned. They were skipping classes for him. Well, maybe not him, but it was because of him.

 

Everyone insisted that he do nothing at all and take it easy. It’s too bad, that’s what he’d been doing the past few days is hiding and “taking it easy.”

 

After standing up and brushing off his pants, he’d made the decision. He’d just take a walk, and if it happened to lead him to any particular person then he’d tell them what he had to say. If not, then he’d circle back around and wait for Seungcheol, Soonyoung and Jeonghan to come back with bloodied knuckles.

 

“Where are you going?” Seungkwan asked, alerting Hansol who was over in the corner looking over a few lists.

 

“To take a walk,” he answered. His roommate bit his lip and shared a look with Hansol. “No one will be out. The early class students aren’t released for lunch until 2:00. I’ll be okay.”

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Seungcheol isn’t back yet-”

 

“I’ll be fine, Seungkwan. Really, I promise.”

 

“Jihoon, I don’t think-”

 

“It’s okay, go ahead.” Hansol held him back from stopping Jihoon. Seungkwan gave his friend a  sharp glare. “Go clear your head, we’ll be here when you get back.”

 

Jihoon nodded and left the noisy practice room. As the door closed behind him, he took a deep breath and started walking. He didn’t take the time to let his mind wander, not this time. He knew exactly what he wanted to say and now he just had to make the decision.

 

He walked.

 

When he arrived at his destination, he was in front of the first dorms. He took out his phone and texted the one who he was sure was involved in all of this. Jihoon made a mental note to delete his number after he talked to him, and this time he’d find the strength to do it for good.

 

To: Haneul

_____

 

I need to talk to you, meet me in front of your dorm.

 

_____

 

Jihoon sent the message and waited for him to get out of class or to come back to the dorms but he unfortunately didn’t have to wait that long. Within moments the front door to the dorms was opened suddenly and Haneul was standing there with the most unforgettable look upon his face.

 

He didn’t know how to react to him standing that close. He thought he’d have time to rehearse, to do something. So he settled for silence. He just observed him in the doorway, looking at him with that stupid expression on his face. This was the one person who’d shown him beautiful things but made him feel the tiest he ever had without even touching him once. He was his friend. An actual friend of his who he’d come to appreciate. He was always there somehow.

 

“You’re not in class,” Jihoon mumbled.

 

Haneul shook his head. He dare not utter one single word.

 

“If you thought those words that night would be your last goodbye then you’re wrong. Because I have a few things I want to say as well. Let’s go up to your room.” With a pat on the arm, Haneul had moved away from the entrance and let Jihoon through.

 

After all this, he didn’t want to hurt Haneul. Yes, after that first time, he never wanted to do it again. He slid past Haneul on his way inside. The cold smell of cinnamon that emitted from him did nothing for Jihoon but make him feel sick.

 

“You’ll have to be patient...I can’t climb stairs well like this.” Jihoon took one step at a time and made Haneul watch the slow, painful process.

 

After a few minutes he looked up at Haneul and sighed. “You’re so quiet today.” So, that’s what it took to get him to be silent. Give him a load of guilt and he’d keep his mouth shut. He still didn’t say anything until they got up to his room. He opened the door and Jihoon went to sit on Soonyoung’s bed.

 

“You’re hurt.” Haneul said. It was the first time that he acknowledged such a fact. He’d never said anything about it before. The multiple times he’d come to Haneul with bruises he always looked past them and never talked about it. Yet now. Because of him.

 

“More than you can see,” Jihoon whispered.

 

Haneul sat down across from him on his own bed and folded his hands together. It was like he was somebody else. Haneul wasn’t cracking jokes or smiling. Jihoon was sad that he’d never get to see him like that again. He wanted to say that he didn’t care, but he did. He wanted to always see him like that.

 

Gently, Jihoon took off his blue tie and laid it on the bed. He reached, button after button, and let his shirt come undone slowly. With a wince he stretched the shirt open and it fell slowly over his shoulders. Haneul looked at his chest and all the red, angry bruises. The swollen, tender lumps and the dried up blood from the few lacerations that littered his skin. His expression turned into one of heavy remorse.

 

Jihoon didn’t hang his head, didn’t look away. He didn’t yell or cry or tell Haneul to go himself. Right now, he just wanted answers. Many answers to the questions that burned his very being. Yet the person in front of him wasn’t who he wanted to see. He wanted Kang Haneul to be present with him. He wanted to ask the Haneul who brought him to those lights. He wanted the Haneul who sat with him in the dance rooms during lunch, the one who lent him his bed to sleep in.

 

“What do I do?” Jihoon asked and searched for an answer within Haneul’s pained, sorry expression. He always had the answers so why wasn’t he speaking? “What am I supposed to do with this...I don’t have the strength.”

 

“I was never planning on becoming close to you,” Haneul said finally, all at once. The smothered, tired look that he seen in Jihoon’s eyes was enough to draw Haneul back into the corner that Jaewon had pushed him into. “I meant everything that I said, Jihoon. Nothing that I said in the past was a lie. I just need you to get that.”

 

“It may as well have been,” Jihoon said sadly.

 

Haneul nodded, accepting all that the boy in front of him had to say.

 

“What changed?” Jihoon asked. The familiarity of the words caused Haneul to gulp away the tears. Maybe he felt it was unfair. Maybe he felt that he didn’t have a choice. Maybe he felt sad. Jihoon anxiously rubbed at his wrists, circling the thin limbs with his forefinger and his thumb, tugging and pulling at the skin--just wishing he could shed all that he was. “Why did you change?”

 

“If I ever figure it out,” Haneul whispered. “I’ll tell you.” He exhaled quietly, “You know, it’s...it’s difficult, living in this world Jihoon. It’s so difficult...if I had known it would turn out like this…”

 

“What would you have done differently?” Jihoon asked, waiting, but Haneul gave no answer. “It was Jaewon who did this, wasn’t it.” At the silence, he continued. “What did he offer you? What was so great that you were willing to give away my privacy and my trust? Did he even have to offer you anything or did you just do it willingly?”

 

Haneul stood firm in his decision, because he did not tremble and he did not shy away from the questions like Jihoon thought he would.

 

He cleared his throat.

 

“He offered my family and I our place back in the family line. He said he’d help us out and get our name status back.”

 

“You did this out of greed?”

 

“I did it for my family.”

 

“Well...pretty soon I’ll have no family, Haneul. You said it yourself, you’re good at that damn game, so guess what happens next. Who’s gonna leave first when my sister dies? My mom or my dad?”

 

Haneul seemed to choke back his next words as the searing question left Jihoon’s mouth.

 

“You were my friend, Haneul. My friend. That word means a lot to me, because I never got to use it often. You knew that right?”

 

By now Jihoon was struggling to keep himself together. The room was spinning, he was losing it all again. The one who knew everything from the beginning, the one who seen past everyone’s game, the one with the cocky, care-free smile. He was gone and in its place was a back-stabbing boy that Jihoon whole-heartedly forgave. That’s why he felt so lost. Because he didn’t blame him for any of it. Not the bruises, the blood, the aching, the scent of death.

 

He didn’t blame any of it on Haneul but at the same time he wanted nothing to do with him.

 

“I forgive you.” Jihoon spoke aloud. His own voice didn’t sound human to him, but his thoughts held such a warm rage that it scared even Jihoon himself. There was nothing left of him anymore, Jihoon was sure of it. With that he looked down at his body and seen all the destruction, all the anger, the sheer brutality of it all. What another human could inflict on another human. What ugly things had happened to him.

 

He cried out slowly, and then gradually louder and louder. So loudly that Haneul had no choice but to walk up to him and guide his face to his shoulder to keep him quiet. The scent of cinnamon.

 

“Haneul…” Jihoon clawed at his betrayer and heaved, sobbing into his chest. The hot tears burned as they cascaded down his smooth skin. Haneul shushed him, looking away from the painful sight. “This isn’t right,” he cried. “It doesn’t make any sense!”

 

Haneul Jihoon’s dark hair, taking the time to bury his face in it. He could tell that Jihoon needed someone, the awful irony of it all was that it was his fault that Jihoon was like this. He shushed him again, like one would a child. There was nothing coherent left in Jihoon’s system, his thoughts, his mind, his heart must have felt so heavy. “I’m here, I’m sorry. I’m here....” When Jihoon began to hyperventilate, Haneul had no choice but to begin talking sense back into him. “Listen kid, I need you to calm down. Just let your heart rest…” He patted Jihoon chest softly and rubbed his back simultaneously. “I’m so sorry, Ji... but I’m still here. No matter what.”

 

“I gave it all up.” Jihoon looked into Haneul’s eyes. His breathing was heavy and he seemed under control of his body but sense just wasn’t talking. Haneul looked confused. “I gave up Woozi. I don’t want to suffer here anymore. Not anymore Haneul. I can’t. I can’t ing take it anymore- until how long does this need to go on? I just wanted to be normal, Haneul. I wanted to be normal.”

 

“You gotta keep going, kid. Don’t forgive me. Let this sadness and anger fuel you until you make it outta here. Keep doing music, keep dancing. Keep doing it all. Scare the world, Jihoon. Be so true to yourself that others won’t know what to do with you.”

 

“I just don’t want to be here anymore, Haneul.” Jihoon angled his mouth towards Haneul’s ear and whispered his deepest secret, “I want to give it all up.”

 

Haneul closed his eyes and held Jihoon tighter, his words caught deep in his throat. He could feel Jihoon’s fire, his fight, slip out from under his fingers. He didn’t know how to grasp onto it, he just held as tight as he could and hoped that some would stay.

 

“Whatever happens, just know that I’ll never change the way you did.” Jihoon curled his hands into fists. “The way they all did. I’ll leave this place, maybe held together by a thread, but I’ll still do it.”

 

This was their real goodbye, Jihoon realized. A proper goodbye, with bare feelings and answers laid out on the table. Understanding, hatred, betrayal, and a simple yet chaotic farewell. To the one person who knew all the answers to everyone’s questions except his own.

 

_____

 

They sat in that room for the few hours they had until school ended. Jihoon had covered himself back up and Haneul had resigned to sitting on the floor and staring at the ceiling. By now, Seungcheol, Soonyoung and Jeonghan would come looking for Haneul. If they made their way through the four blue ties, they’d end up right here, in Haneul and Soonyoung’s room.

 

He waited for a long time.

 

When the door finally opened, Soonyoung was the first face he seen. The boy’s uniform was dirty and sweat-stained. His hair was out of place, there were a few specks of blood here and there but nothing too terrible. His eyes widened when he seen Jihoon sitting on his bed but he made no move to go after Haneul. He stood there as Jeonghan and Seungcheol made their way inside. Jeonghan’s hair was still in place, he seemed the cleanest out of all of them. The worst was Seungcheol.

 

His shirt was torn in multiple places, his tie was missing, his hair was messy, his clothes had dark stains on them which Jihoon identified as blood that was not his own.

 

They all waited for something to happen. Maybe for Haneul to start their fight first, maybe for Jihoon to command them to do something.

 

“It was you?” Soonyoung asked, not in an accusing tone, but just in affirmation.

 

Haneul nodded once.

 

Jihoon stood up and gave one last look at Haneul. He wished, oh how he wished for just one last smile, one last joke. One last laugh.

 

He gave nothing.

 

“Don’t hurt him, don’t touch him, don’t even look at him.” Jihoon walked to the door. “He’s made his choice.”

 

Soonyoung seemed the most angered and shocked. He still had to share the room with Haneul for the rest of the school year. The three of them immediately backed off at Jihoon’s command. Together, the four of them left the room.

Jihoon glanced up at Seungcheol, Seungcheol looked down at him.

 

“I’m taking him to the nurse.”

 

At Seungcheol’s declaration Soonyoung opened his mouth to say something, but Jeonghan had stopped him. The two of them were almost like ghosts to Seungcheol and Jihoon now. Even Jeonghan, who had once been pained to see it, was now letting them go.

 

Together, Seungcheol and Jihoon separated from the group and walked out of the dorm house together, side-by-side.

 

Almost everything had come to a close for Jihoon. He had no idea where to begin, what to say or do. All he knew was that Seungcheol seemed completely lost within himself. His thoughts had whisked him away and he was now a walking shell.

 

“Hey.”

 

With one word he was alive again and his eyes met Jihoon’s.

 

“A nurse’s visit would have been good a while ago,” he began. “That time, I had Seungkwan go back to the store three separate days to buy painkillers. He even had Jun and Minghao sneak out extra bandages for me when they were off duty.”

 

Seungcheol ignored all that he had to say. “I’m taking you to the nurse,” he said again.

 

Jihoon didn’t bother fighting.

 

They walked into the well-lit building and moved swiftly to a nicely equipped room. Jihoon finally felt at ease. There were multiple nurses working 24/7 that handled issues as small as a headache to even larger ones that required minor surgery.

 

“Hello, Mr. Choi.” He addressed and then looked to Jihoon with a gentle smile on his face. “What have we here?”

 

“I’d like some help, and I need this to stay off your records. Got it?”

 

The nurse looked to Jihoon and then back to Seungcheol, “Well, Mr. Choi that really depends on to what extent his injuries are.”

 

“Then check him first, we’ll talk later.”

 

The nurse understood perfectly and he quickly had Jihoon show him his bruises and cuts. Seungcheol left the room when the nurse requested Jihoon to change into a gown. While he watched nurses go in and out of the room he wondered how many times Jihoon went without help. How many times he had Seungkwan sneak him medicine. How many times he was hurting without letting anybody know.

 

He tried his hardest to ignore the fact that Jihoon was his best friend this whole time. He tried to ignore every thought that screamed at him how stupid he was. He let that boy get beaten, burned, bruised. All because he wanted to stay out of another kid’s business. When this whole time that boy meant more to him than anything else.

 

Who was Jihoon then? How was it possible that he knew Woozi’s soul but had no clue as to who Jihoon was. He knew nothing of him. Not anything real, anyway. He tried to think of every conversation they ever had. Tried to grasp onto any precious words that he may have told him all this time but it slipped away like sand through his fingers. The tide was coming in to wash him away but he still could do nothing.

 

Where do we go from here?

 

Within the next 30 minutes they had Jihoon bandaged up. The doctor came to speak with Seungcheol privately. “He’s wiped clean from our records. I trust you’ll keep an eye on this one to make sure he doesn’t get hurt again. This time could have been dangerous but he’ll be fine. His ribs are slightly bruised so we recommend constant icing and a whole lot of ibuprofen.”

 

Seungcheol sighed and stuffed his hands in his pockets to calm his anger.

 

“Other than that there are no concerning injuries. He’s got abrasions on his legs and we’ve given him a few stitches for the lacerations on his arms and torso. There’s a lot of inflammation on his back and chest but he’ll heal quickly. I have noticed that he’s got a lot of scars. Does this happen to the poor kid often?”

 

“It used to,” Seungcheol admitted. “Not anymore. I won’t let anyone hurt him ever again.”

 

“Well, that’s good. He seems like a nice boy.”

 

The nurse spied his swollen knuckles and offered to take a look but Seungcheol declined, “No, but thank you for helping.”

 

“Of course, Mr. Choi. Make sure he rests a lot! If he suddenly gets a fever or if he starts to vomit bring him right back here.”

 

“I will.”

 

With that, Seungcheol walked Jihoon back to the front. The boy looked almost ready to pass out from fatigue and he didn’t blame him. He himself was ready to sleep for a long, long time.

 

It was uncomfortably quiet this time. Neither of them talked, and Jihoon resisted the urge to thank him. When they got back to their dorms, Seungcheol finally opened his mouth to invite Jihoon to talk.

 

_____

 

He was sick, wrapped in bandages, and completely covered in the ashes from the smoldering fire that slowly burnt him up from the inside out. To stay hidden for the rest of his life, away from the frightening people with their searching, glaring eyes. Away from everything, everyone, every single human. To stay perfectly still without the spin.

 

It would have been a dream. To Jihoon, the simple homesickness ate away at his hollow bones and yet he figured it out. He begged himself not to walk away, he argued back and forth.

 

He’d lost Haneul and himself. He was close to losing his everything and now he’d have to face the thing that had confronted him. It had found him. His words, his different-kind of-love for Seungcheol, the beauty that they had experienced was lost.

 

Jihoon planned a clean escape from everyone, even the dark places in his head, but no matter how much he tried to forget about it he couldn’t. He still wanted to talk to him. Side-by-side, over the phone, through the screen. Whatever it was. He wanted to finally talk and tell him nothing and everything. He’d pull the words that were stuck in his throat. He’d figure out a way to convey his shivering heart to him. What was left of the mess, anyway.

 

This pathway that we’re walking together will only stretch so far and so wide.

 

The stars fell soundlessly. He was the empty space, bleeding darkness into himself.

 

Seungcheol sat in his room with him the whole time, here, but separated and far apart. Jihoon was silent. After all this time.

 

He couldn’t stop looking at him. He couldn’t stop thinking about him. He remembered that he loved him in a different kind of way. The kind that echoed in his stomach, in his chest. When Seungcheol glanced over at him from the other side of the room he felt it in his throat, and then down into his arms and all over. Underneath his ribcage, throughout his legs. In the burns of his bruises. He felt it all.

 

“I feel like a stranger,” Seungcheol said.

 

This one sentence threw off their silent dance. The orchestra stopped, the stillness swirled, the anger and sadness created a poison that seeped into their very pores, down their throats, curled it’s deadly talons into the strands of his hair. He felt it again at his voice. Damn it, he felt it. He felt it all too much.

 

How could you be a stranger when I’ve seen your very soul? Jihoon thought.

 

He wanted to say it. He wanted to, he swore it to himself, his fists swore it when they balled up the material of his sweater. Seungcheol kept looking everywhere but at him.

 

“A stranger to yourself. Or to me?” Jihoon asked these words in his practiced voice. The one he used when he talked to himself in the dead of the night.

 

Seungcheol was leaning back in the swivel chair, his legs sprawled out, his arms laying limp on his lap, and his eyes scanning the floor for something to say. Together, they took up this dorm space with only their words and their subtle glances.

 

“To everything,” he answered.

 

The sun was going down now, Jihoon could see it. His mind told him to walk away, but to where? He wondered. They journeyed this same path now. No matter how badly he wanted to run, he had no choice but to stay.

 

Jihoon looked up and noticed the way Seungcheol’s eyelashes fluttered and carried the heavy weight of what he was holding back. They were the gateway to chaos. That piece of artwork opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn’t say it. Jihoon wondered if he ever held back like that with Woozi.

 

“You,” he sighed. “You kept running.”

 

Jihoon noticed the tender way he spoke with him. It was the same way he spoke to Chan, and to Soonyoung. To Jeonghan. It wasn’t the way that he spoke with Jihoon, and it wasn’t the way that he spoke with Woozi. The way Seungcheol spoke to Woozi without thinking. That voice he used was reserved only for him, he was sure of it. Running his mouth and joking around. When he could hear the smile in his voice and the humor. It was like his very voice was scented with a tone that was so deep with feelings it was like he was telling him his favorite things over and over and over again. Making him feel it with his very being.

 

This voice he used now was an in-between. Seungcheol was unsure, he felt bare. He was at a crossroads between Jihoon and Woozi. They were both the same people, yet completely complex. He didn’t know how to treat him.

 

“Is it because of me?” Seungcheol asked, in that same voice, “Because you knew who I was?”

 

Jihoon finally shook his head and did his best to sit up, inciting a worried look from the boy across the room. “No, I didn’t want you to find me. We’ve talked before. You knew who I was, you seen me, you just didn’t care.”

 

“I do. I will care about you.” He moved his chair closer to the bed. “Just like...just like the rest of Seventeen.

 

A sharp sound like breaking glass shattered his entire being. Did Seungcheol want to start over? Erase it all?

 

“What about when I first got here. Why did you leave me there? In the bathrooms.”

 

That memory attacked Seungcheol’s brain and all at once, he felt worse. He got up and paced the room, almost walking far, far away. He was balancing all of this on his shoulders. All of it. Despite everything crashing down a long time ago he promised himself to fight like hell to hide that he’d given up. It was a lot like Jihoon had. A lot like the rest of them. Like the humans who walked past him everyday.

 

“At that time I felt like it wasn’t my place to intervene. Jaewon and I agreed not to step in each other’s spaces. I just felt like…” Seungcheol gave up walking and sat down on the bed, near Jihoon’s legs. “Forget it. I’m a ing piece of . That’s it. That’s the end of it.”

 

He scoffed at his own words and shook his head. His eyes were looking at Jihoon but they were thinking about many other things. Seeing far away memories.

 

“It was just like it was with Chan and the other kids…” Seungcheol whispered. “You were just another student to me, like every other person at this school. They expect an image from me. I told you I’m a stranger. To myself, to them, to you. Please, please, tell me that at least you understand that.”

 

Jihoon let himself understand it. He let himself even though he knew how weak and brittle Seungcheol had become. He was kneeling in front of everyone and obeying commands, but why? Why was he?

 

“This is what I am. What I’ve become. You know this now, so why are you still afraid?” Seungcheol asked.

 

Jihoon realized in that moment that he was indeed afraid. He wasn’t exactly sure what gave it away but he knew that he was afraid. Maybe of the world, maybe of Seungcheol, maybe of what was in the world that had gotten to Seungcheol.

 

“I’m scared because of the way you’ve fed me to the wolves,” Jihoon settled. “The way you relentlessly tormented Chan. Did you do the same thing to Hansol? What about Jeonghan?”

 

“I didn’t.”

 

“Then? What makes it different now? Everybody admires you. Chan loves you and so do the others. You’re fighting with yourself constantly, aren’t you.”

 

Seungcheol just shook his head without an answer.

 

“You’re not who you were. Sometimes I feel like the weight of all these burdens crushed you to death a long time ago. You’re two different people now…”

 

He nodded in thought.

 

“That may be true,” he looked at Jihoon. The face he made, with his eyes serious and his jaw tilted upward just slightly, he spoke the most honest words he’d ever heard thus far. “However, I’ve always viewed Woozi the same way. None of this should have happened but you’re the truest friend I’ve ever known. Whether I’m Choi Seungcheol or my online counterpart. You’ve never changed in my mind. It’s always been you. The friend who I ran to every time I had a bad day. The one who taught me so many things, the one who made me laugh. You never changed, not like I did. Whoever you are, the person you’ll become. It was you.”

 

Seungcheol moved away from the bed and backed away into the chair as he finished his words. The parallel between the two came crashing down. He knew all of it. Jihoon was Woozi, the two were the same. He knew about his feelings. He heard when he broke down, he was there through it all. He had to keep reminding himself of that.

 

“You from the beginning. You until the end.”

 

Jihoon let him say all of that without stopping him. They both knew it wouldn’t fix anything between them but it wasn’t meant to do that anyway. It was confirmation for both of them, that Seungcheol knew what had happened to him and acknowledged it. There was no easy fix, but they were still here in the same room nonetheless with a lot more to talk about and no daylight left.

 

Jihoon remembered. Seungcheol was dating Jeonghan.

 

“Do you love him? Jeonghan, I mean.”

 

Seungcheol was taken aback by the sudden question. Although maybe not so sudden, as Woozi would have done the same thing. Jihoon himself didn’t know why he asked. He never knew why Coups had begun to date Jeonghan. All this time he had treated him like . Then again, he never thought he would walk out that door for him, no matter his excuse.

 

Seungcheol suddenly sighed. It’d been so long since he’d talked to Woozi about it.

 

“No,” he answered. “I tried to love him.”

 

“You’re still together?”

 

He nodded.

 

Jihoon fiddled with his fingers, not really knowing how to approach the next question. “It’s a secret then?”

 

“You can talk about it with Seventeen, but anybody outside isn’t allowed to hear about it.”

 

“Does he love you back?” Jihoon asked.

 

Seungcheol finally cracked a small smile, and in turn Jihoon gazed up with a light glow over his face. “That’s the thing. I uh- I have nothing left because of him. Yet, I don’t think we could have ever loved each other, not in that way.”

 

Jihoon stayed silent and let Seungcheol talk, without hesitation, without holding back. He was explaining like he always did. It must have felt good for him to finally talk about it with someone. “He knows it too, we both do but we don’t talk about it. I should though, I’m sure I should.”

 

“Will you tell me about it?”

 

“Some other time,” he said softly. “For now, I’ll let you rest. We’ll have time to figure this out later.”

 

“I need to ask you a question first.”

 

Seungcheol stood up and motioned for Jihoon to keep talking.

 

“Did Soonyoung hit them?”

 

“Who?”

 

“The four blue ties.”

 

Seungcheol looked solemn but he did end up giving a curt nod.

 

Jihoon accepted the answer, though reluctantly. There was nothing he could do. What he had feared would happen, happened. He was at fault for everything. For not keeping them far enough away. They all still trickled in. The steady rain pour into him slowly and painfully.

 

“Get some rest.”

 

“Seungcheol,” Jihoon called. The boy turned just slightly to look at him. “I still want an apology. For all that you’ve done. All of this isn’t over.”

 

He put his hand on the door, “I’m afraid I’ll have many more things to apologize for, but for now, I’ll save your apology until I can give you a proper one. I can barely think straight right now.”

 

“Okay, then.”

 

“Rest well, have good dreams.”

Seungcheol didn’t look back as he left but he did close the door gently, so gently there was barely a click. They were still nowhere but here.

 

_____