Jihoon-Woozi

Seungcheol-S.Coups

Hansol-Vernon

Jisoo-Joshua

Minghao-THE8

Junhui-JUN

Soonyoung-Hoshi

Seokmin-DK,Dokyeom

Chan-Dino

_____

  What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world. The paragon of animals. And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me. No, nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so.

-Shakespeare, Hamlet Act II Scene II

_____
 

“Does anyone know where Jihoon is at?” Seungcheol asked, looking to Hansol to see if he had any idea but he looked just as puzzled. It was nearly 20 minutes into their practice time and the now black-haired student hadn’t shown up. The closer the time pulled to 5:00 p.m. the thinner Seungcheol’s patience was wearing.

He crossed his arms as an annoyed ebb prodded at his chest. Minghao and Jun weren’t paying attention to him, neither were Mingyu and Wonwoo. Joshua and Seokmin shrugged their shoulders, Jeonghan was pretending not to listen and Seungkwan, Soonyoung and Chan looked worried. Everyone had already been accounted for and they’d practiced some already but it wasn’t even the second day of meetings and Jihoon had already declined to show up.

Seungcheol looked to Seungkwan for an explanation but the wide-eyed boy just continued to look out the tiny window of the practice room door, hoping Jihoon would walk through.

“Is this gonna be a normal thing?” he asked to no one in particular but the edge in his words made everyone tense up--even the kids who weren’t paying attention before. “We’ve got things to do, and if a member of this group won’t take it seriously then we’ve got no use for them.”

“Wait! He probably just got held up!” Seungkwan moved his position to his knees as if he was ready to be a one man search party for Jihoon. Even Seungcheol knew that excuse was bull but he didn’t give the boy a hard time. Seungkwan dusted his hands, “I can go look for him. It won’t take long, I promise.”

“I’d let you go if this was any other time,” Seungcheol sighed, “but right now we should just focus on the members who are here. Let’s just continue practice without him, we’ll worry about this later.”

Seungkwan’s doe eyes shut tightly in disappointment and worry.

“If he shows up, he shows up. If he doesn’t…” Seungcheol trailed off.

Seungkwan bit his lip. The air in the practice room floated heavily above them, making everyone tense. Nobody bothered to speak up or resume what they were doing.

Seungcheol clapped his hands to get them to snap out of it.

“Everyone, get in your units and start practicing.”

_____

As it was nearing dinner time, Seungcheol gave Seungkwan permission to go look for Jihoon. While he was running around like a madman, Seokmin and Mingyu went to get some food for everyone else.

Seungcheol sat on the floor and ate his food with the rest of the group. Everyone was laughing and playing like usual so he took that moment to quietly beckon Soonyoung over to him.

“Hey,” Seungcheol called quietly. Soonyoung looked up quickly, his attention shooting right over to Seungcheol who waved him over. “I want to talk to you.”

“Yes?” He asked, scooting over to him with his bowl of food.

“Have you seen Jihoon at all today?”

“Huh?” he asked, surprised. He was thrown off guard for only a moment because hearing Jihoon’s name through his lips made him oddly uncomfortable. He cleared his throat, “Uh, no. No, I haven’t seen him since lunch.”

“Have you noticed any bruises on him lately? I mean, after we gave him Seventeen’s ring?”

Soonyoung shook his head, declining to say anything. Jihoon hadn’t had any bruises on him since early December. Then again, he didn’t ever get to see Jihoon’s body. If anyone, Seungcheol would have more luck asking Seungkwan about it but he was currently searching high and low. Soonyoung wanted to go look for Jihoon too but he didn’t know the school as well as Seungkwan did (and Seungcheol wouldn’t let him leave anyway).

The boys’ sharp laughter from across the room in response to a bad joke shook them both out of their thoughts. Seungcheol resumed eating his food, without saying a word.

It was a few minutes later that Seungkwan entered the room out of breath and sweating. “I’ve checked everywhere,” he huffed “the dorms, the chapel, the dining hall, the library and the gardens. He’s nowhere.”

“Did you try calling him?” Hansol suggested. “I mean, nobody just disappears on campus.”

“I tried already,” Chan held up his phone and shook it from side to side. “It went to voicemail immediately.”

“Then he must be with Haneul,” Seungcheol muttered. “I’ve seen those two around more times than I care to count.”

“That’s true...” Chan added quietly.

“This must not be a priority to him.” Jeonghan spoke up finally, causing everyone to look over to him. His hair was tied up with pins, and he looked exhausted. The deep color beneath his eyes alerted the members of the group to become concerned but nobody said anything about it. He just wasn’t sleeping good was all; that’s what they told themselves.

“No, that’s not true,” Soonyoung defended as he wiped his mouth on his sweatshirt sleeve. “Jihoon cares. He’s not the kind of person to commit to something and then ignore it.”

“I agree,” Seungcheol said at last. He pinched the bridge of his nose as he came to a conclusion. He’d have to look for Jihoon himself after practice to resolve everything. More work for him. “I’ll deal with it later then. Everyone finish up your meal, and Seungkwan, make sure you eat something.”

“What a mess,” Soonyoung mumbled quietly as Seungkwan fell to the ground in an exhausted heap, beckoning the nearly-cold leftover food into his arms.

_____

It was 10:00 p.m. when Seungcheol dismissed Seventeen back to their dorms. Nearly a third of their team couldn’t concentrate on their duties because they were worried about Jihoon, so there was no point in trying to practice for any longer. They’d made more mistakes today than any other day.

Hansol stayed back for a few minutes to discuss some things with him but other than that, he was left behind in the practice room, waiting for anybody to text him. Mostly, he was waiting on Seungkwan, Soonyoung or Chan to report back to him on the whereabouts of Jihoon.

If they texted him and said that Jihoon was somewhere in the dorms then he’d be able to focus on his work. If they texted him and said that he wasn’t there then he’d have to figure out places to look. What Hansol said was partly true. Student’s just didn’t go missing on campus. There were only a few instances where students “disappeared” but that was completely unrelated to Jihoon’s case.

A small buzz came from his coat pocket.

From: Seungkwan

He’s not in our room.

Within the next minute he also got texts simultaneously from Chan and Soonyoung.

From: Chan

Jihoon’s not with Haneul.

From: Soonyoung

Haneul says he didn’t see him at all today but I think he’s lying. They hang out a lot in the dance wing by the art rooms. Check there maybe?

Seungcheol sent a text back, telling them to rest up for the night and not to call or message Jihoon or him until tomorrow. He was sure he’d find him, but sometimes people just didn’t want to be found. If that was the situation with Jihoon then he’d need to keep him as unbothered as possible while he figured it out.

Dance rooms first then.

_____

A terrible, numb feeling filled Jihoon’s chest until it made his vision so cloudy that he couldn’t see clearly. It was like a foggy night, with no source of light whatsoever. Thoughts raced back and forth but he couldn’t concentrate on a single one. It was there--that fog--lingering in the air, suffocating him slowly. It was so, so quiet, but at the same time, it was so, incredibly loud.

So loud…

Jihoon hugged his arms close as the night fell upon him in the dark room. The shadows danced before him as time dragged on. He’d been there for who knows how long. It was like a neverending nightmare because he couldn’t think but his heart hurt so badly, and his throat felt like it had been ripped out, and his eyes were red. Just the color made Jihoon’s heart beat faster, he could only imagine the stagnant blood every time he closed his eyes. There were so many pictures of his sister that he imagined. Terrible things that tormented him every time he blinked, in every other breath he took.

There was weight in his chest and in his arms, weight in his stomach, in the back of his neck, so heavy that it made him hang his head pitifully. He was numb but he could feel, and he felt it all too much.

Too much...

Jihoon could see his reflection from across the room, he was a blank mess. Like a piece of paper, except this paper had been written on far too many times, and things had been erased and crossed out, and he was crumpled up and thrown around.

All of it was so easy in the night. He didn’t have to leave the mirrored room that showed his reflection too clearly, and he didn’t have to go back to his dorm. He could sleep here, or maybe not sleep.

If he slept he’d surely have nightmares.

Neverending.

Jihoon stay perfectly still as he stared blankly out into the darkness of the dance room. It scared him--all of it--everything.

“Just stop…” Jihoon rubbed at his face. “Pull yourself together, please,” he pleaded as his cold hands felt his warm face.

“Please,” the hot tears that had been there before still left their trail.

His voice came out withered, like it’d been pulled at too many times. It was just one thread of the many that it once was. His fingers shook from the coldness inside of him, and because of the numbness that seized his body once the heavy sun had went down. After sunset left him, he’d grown colder and colder. His breath escaped his body each time he opened his mouth to plead.

He was sad, Jihoon realized, and there was nobody there to stabilize him, nobody there to reassure him.

Just simple, fragile, sadness.

Jihoon felt like he was young, learning all these words again. He’d heard them before, but now he got to feel them, and now he’d never stop feeling them.

The room seemed like it was filled with a great ocean, except the waves were only within Jihoon’s chest--and with every breath he took--he rocked like an old, aged ship. He shuddered, he shook, he groaned and ached and moaned.

It’s not fair. He kept thinking.

That was one thought he noticed that kept coming through.

No, nothing is ever fair.

“And you will eat your toast. And you will drink your tea.”

Jihoon quoted. The words spilled from his mouth like spoiled liquid, he didn’t even have to think about it. Nothing would stop, the world wouldn’t stop spinning no matter how much pain he was in. The sun would keep coming up and going down no matter what. He didn’t even feel like he was allowed to hurt.

He’d thought this a thousand times; he was like autumn leaves. Except it wasn’t autumn anymore and the cold winter wind had hit him harder than anything else. He was a silent sufferer, like most people were.

Jihoon closed his eyes and let his body fall limp. He wanted to sleep.

The longer he sat there, in the cold dance room, the more his mind became hazy. He didn’t completely lose sight of his thoughts--because they were always there at the back of his mind--but it did get easier and easier to ignore them. Every thought and every little piece that fell from his mind would disappear just like his consciousness.

He could rest for a little bit. Maybe.

Even if he had a nightmare, he could sleep here until morning. Then he’d deal with the rest of the day as it came. All he needed was a little rest, then everything would be fine.

Just as he’d calmed his thoughts enough to doze off a bit, he heard footsteps outside in the hallway.

Jihoon didn’t get up and hide, he didn’t flinch or really even care about the noise. Someone was opening doors and closing them. Maybe security, or maybe a student who’d forgotten something in one of the rooms.

He was blank. His thoughts had vanished, now completely, at the person who decided to intrude on the quiet of the night. His thoughts were afraid now.

Jihoon opened his eyes even though he couldn’t see very well inside of the room. Within one moment the door had opened with a loud squeak. Instantaneously, a strong ray from a flashlight was shone into the room, making Jihoon flinch. He closed his eyes as the brightness of the light caused his pupils to dilate.

“Jihoon?” A voice called into the room.

Any other time, and Jihoon would feel intense bitterness towards this voice, but the part of him that wanted Seungcheol to come into the room was someone who he’d pushed back more than once. He stayed silent and wondered what it felt like to feel Seungcheol for once. Just for him to sit beside him, so close that every single part of him would be on fire with anger, except for the half of him that just wasn’t.

“Hey…” Seungcheol whispered into the darkness of the room, shutting the flashlight off. He was wary and apprehensive but he’d made his way to Jihoon fast. Faster than Jihoon was prepared for. “It’s okay…” He reassured as he kneeled right in front of him.

How could it be okay? Jihoon wondered. How could everything be okay just because one person said so?

Somehow, it was. Somehow, it always was.

Jihoon thought he’d cry again but he didn’t. He was just numb, and tired, and empty. Empty except for those waves in his chest, and empty except for the lead in his gut, and for the fog in his lungs, and the quotes that he held in his mouth like spoiled liquid.

“Are you okay?” was the next question that he asked.

It was phrased as an invitation for Jihoon to open up and start talking about everything but Jihoon didn’t say anything. He just kept his blank eyes focused on the mirrored wall across the room. Seungcheol moved close to Jihoon until he was sitting right next to him, finally touching him, their legs, and their arms just barely moving up against one another. Half angry, half bare.

If Jihoon knew about it, he’d think of the time that Seungcheol dreamt about the waves in Busan, with Woozi next to him. If Jihoon knew about that, he’d compare it to that time. Except the ocean wasn’t right in front of them. It was next to Seungcheol, tossing and turning in Jihoon’s chest until he could barely take the sea-sick dizziness.

Jihoon wasn’t ready to talk. He was scared to. What would spill from him if he did? Would the waves rush out, would they fill the room and drown them both?

“If you need to talk about anything,” Seungcheol whispered, “I’ll listen.”

Jihoon barely shook his head. He wasn’t even sure if Seungcheol had noticed it in the darkness of the room.

“If someone is bothering you again, you have to tell me. They can’t do anything to you anymore, so there’s no need to be upset.”

Jihoon wished he was upset because of that. Didn’t Seungcheol notice the way he survived all those months? This pain was only reserved for certain things. Jihoon’s body somehow knew when to break down.

“That’s right,” Jihoon said, trembling and unfeeling.

Although he hadn’t been shouting, his voice was hoarse. The words hurt his throat as he spoke them. “They can’t do anything to me anymore because I’ve got this ring on my finger,” he lifted up his hand to look at the sparkling silver.

Jihoon let the words hang above them, heavy like that same fog that suffocated him. “Before then?” Jihoon asked, his voice almost giving out, “The kids who never got a chance?”

He shortened his sentences pathetically. He just hoped that Seungcheol understood what he was trying to say. Though he always did, didn’t he.

“I don’t know how to fix it,” Seungcheol said out loud, breaking the barrier between them. Jihoon didn’t even need to think about what he meant by that, because he meant a thousand things. “I don’t have answers for you, I don’t have anything to tell you. Right now, I see that you’re upset and I don’t know why.”

Jihoon closed his eyes.

“I know that I don’t know you very well, and you don’t know me either but right now I want to help you.”

“I survived without your help before.” Jihoon meant to say that with a sour tone but his voice came out robotic and unfeeling.

“I know.”

A lot of them did, Seungcheol muttered. He must have been referring to Seventeen. He said those words proudly instead of guiltily, which both confused and surprised Jihoon.

He rubbed at his face with both cold hands, wiping the remainder of the tears from his face. Though Seungcheol probably hadn’t noticed the stains that littered his cheeks like stray raindrops. Jihoon had nothing else to say, neither in disagreement or response. He just nodded and looked at the cold palms of his hands.

A steady silence settled between them. It wasn’t awkward, it wasn’t overly comfortable either. It was just two strangers that had somehow formed a complicated friendship, that then turned into whatever this was.

“My sister,” Jihoon confessed suddenly, “it’s my sister.” Seungcheol looked over at him, confused. “She’s sick and she’s not going to get better.”

It was silent in the room.

“What’s her name?” Seungcheol asked.

“Huh?”

“Her name?”

“Minseo,” Jihoon mumbled. He thought Seungcheol would ask about her sickness, or about technical things like that, but he just wanted to know her name.

“Pretty name,” he smiled softly.

“Yeah,” he sighed, “she’s so young and has to deal with all this bull.”

A pause.

“Is that who you were talking to on the balcony that one time?” Seungcheol asked. Jihoon had to think about what he was talking about. When he remember he just nodded his head softly. That was when Seungcheol thought he was talking to his girlfriend.

“A voicemail, actually. Don’t know if she got it or not,” he shrugged. His voice got stronger as he talked about his sister.

“What’s she like?”

Jihoon hesitated as new tears began to sting his eyes, he wanted to say something but he felt that if he did he’d never stop talking. He wanted to tell Seungcheol everything, but he wasn’t sure if he could. He settled for a memory instead. “We used to play near the ocean. It was like we traveled the whole earth with the sand beneath our feet.”

“So you’ve gone to a lot of places with her, then.”

“Not really, we’ve only ever stayed in our house. She was too sick to-”

“You traveled the whole earth,” Seungcheol reminded. Jihoon looked over to him, their faces so close that Seungcheol had backed away just so he could look into his eyes.

“Yeah...that’s right,” Jihoon confirmed. “We did.”

They shared another quiet moment together. With some gentle rustling from Seungcheol, he felt a jacket thrown over his folded legs and arms. Jihoon felt the warmth immediately sink into his bare skin. He opened his mouth to say thank you, but the aftershock of what Seungcheol had just done kept him silent. He watched him in the dark of the room as he readjusted his clothing. He was wearing a sweater beneath the jacket that he’d just taken off.

“If we’re gonna stay here, you should keep warm. No use getting sick,” he cleared his throat. “I’d say we could go back to the dorms but we both have roommates so that’s out. I assume you don’t want to see anybody right now…”

Jihoon nodded, stuffing his hands beneath the warm jacket to make them less cold. It was really freezing inside of the dance room.

As the silence between them stretched on, Jihoon became more and more aware of their bodies that were pressed against one another. Side-by-side, comfortably. Never in a million years did Jihoon think something like this was possible but he was so full of pain and sadness that there was hardly any room for anger. Maybe that was how he allowed Seungcheol to get so close.

His eyelids drooped as he became warmer and warmer.

“What does her voice sound like?” Seungcheol asked.

What an odd question that was. Jihoon thought for a moment as he tilted his head back so it leaned against the mirrored wall behind him. “If stars laughed, and their laugh sounded like bells, that’s what she’d sound like. Like bells.”

“Do you ever wonder about things like that? Faces, and colors, names, and sounds.” Seungcheol’s voice was far away like he was remembering a distant memory. “People don’t ever think about who they’re looking at, or who they’re listening to. I think about that a lot.”

Jihoon coughed as the stale air caught in his throat, “Me too.”

“Your sister sounds like a beautiful person.”

“She is.”

“Thank you,” he whispered, “for telling me all this.”

“You’re welcome.”

“And I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For all of it.”

Jihoon didn’t think about it. He meant a thousand things, a thousand and one...all wrapped up into a tiny sentence. That’s how he’d always been.

Jihoon curled up into Seungcheol’s jacket and sighed softly.

They stayed together, talking some, and then not talking. Jihoon had dozed off more than once, until the morning light peeked through the tiny window in the corner. It was like being together again, talking until the morning hours. Except this time, it was just them--as Jihoon and Seungcheol.

_____

“You’re ed up, you know that?” Haneul spat bitterly. He looked out over the school from the top of the study buildings. Jaewon shrugged and passed Haneul his cigarette, “I don’t want this .”

Haneul crushed the tiny killer beneath the sole of his shoe and then kicked it off the side of the building, through the thin railing.

“The hell, man?” Jaewon dug into his pocket for his lighter again. “Why do you have to be such a .”

“Acting like we’re friends, huh? You’re so full of it. I hate arrogant s more than anything in this world.”

“Don’t you own a mirror? Or are you really that poor?” Jaewon stepped away from Haneul and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Some self-evaluation might help, y’know.”

“All that narcissism is just festering, isn’t it.” Haneul turned away from the view of the school and leaned back, watching Jaewon through narrowed eyes. “Least I know where my morals lie.”

Jaewon tilted his head back and released the most obnoxious laugh that Haneul had ever heard.

“Morals!?” He exclaimed, his guttural coughing cut off his laughing. He clenched his fists. “Haneul, did you really just say that? Ah, my little cousin is such a liar! What an arrogant hypocrite!”

Haneul looked away.

“I haven’t had a good laugh in such a long time. Thanks man.” He clapped Haneul on the back, making the other shake him off violently.

“Close your damn mouth, Jae.” Haneul took Jaewon’s wrist in his hand and pulled him close. “My morals are with my family.”

“Whatever. Having some morals is the same as having none. In this case, you chose your family over your friends. Or shall I say, friend.”

Haneul threw Jaewon’s wrist away from him, sneering while he did so. Jaewon wouldn’t admit it, but he was afraid of him, in more ways than one.

“So, you gonna tell me what you know?” Jaewon asked, rubbing at his wrist nonchalantly.

Haneul rolled his eyes, “I already told you what I know. I told you more than enough.”

“Oh, come on...you think that’s enough? Just lend me your hacking skills, and then we can all be one big happy family again after this is all over. What do you say?”

“I said: I don’t do that anymore.”

“Haneul, you’ve already gone halfway! Don’t let that kid get under your skin.”

“You’re sick.”

“Just think about it then,” Jaewon languidly hugged Haneul from behind. “I love you, my little cousin.”

He continued hugging him, making Haneul shake all over. Jaewon moved his mouth to his ear and whispered, “Who is he to you?”

“What?”

“Who is Jihoon to you?”

“He was my friend.”

Jaewon smirked and moved away, squeezing Haneul’s shoulders in mock adoration, “Just think about it. This damage can’t be undone anyway.”

He waited for Haneul to say something but he was silent.

“Well, come see me when you’ve made a decision.”

He left through the rooftop door, leaving Haneul to his thoughts.