____

And yet I find myself thinking that if everything goes well,

sometime way ahead, years from now,

I might discover myself saved.

-Haruki Murakami

____

“May I ask who was the next in line?” Jihoon said as he held the form for the World Academy of the Arts. It almost gave him a foreboding feeling as he held it, like a puzzle piece that didn’t exactly fit.

Mr. Jung looked at the papers before him, shuffling them around. “Well, it appears to be Yoon Jeonghan.” He adjusted his spectacles and looked at the list of students.

Jihoon peeked at the paper and noticed that it really was Jeonghan who was next in line, and his scores were almost similar to his own. He thought for a moment, and considered the paper in front of him. He didn’t want it. That much he was sure of.

“If I reject the offer then it will go to him, right?”

“Yes, that’s true,” Mr. Jung said with a frown, “but that would be an enormous mistake.”

“With all due respect,” Jihoon began and handed the form back to him, “I don’t believe my future is with the Academy of the Arts. I have another path that’s completely my own. And nothing can really stop me anymore.”

Mr. Jung shook his head, refusing. “Please, Jihoon. This is a mistake. Opportunities like this only happen once in a lifetime.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t. It’s not my opportunity. It will be a mistake if I accept, and I stand by that decision.”

“Jihoon, wait a moment!”

He bowed respectfully and then walked out, heading to his next class.

At the end of the day, while he was walking to his room, Jeonghan suddenly appeared from down the opposite side of the hallway. He headed toward him.

“Why would you do that?” he asked, before he even made it within earshot. Jihoon only knew what he said by the way his lips moved, and the unshed tears that filled his eyes. He wiped them vigorously so he could continue looking at Jihoon. He stepped up to him. Jeonghan shook his head, and his shoulders slumped. “After the way I treated you…”

Jihoon gave a small smile and shrugged. “Jeonghan, that’s not my future. It’s rightfully yours. The way you treated me doesn’t change the way I can treat you right now. And truthfully, I don’t ever want to step foot in another academy for the rest of my life.”

Jeonghan pulled him in for a hug, holding him tightly. “I’m so sorry for what I’ve done,” he apologized. “You deserved none of it.”

Jihoon hugged him back. He let forgiveness flow through him, conveying it in the way his hand moved across his back comfortingly.

“I’ll always be on your side Jihoon. I’m here for you if you need anything. Anything at all. You’re my brother now.”

“You’re mine too.”

“And thank you. Sincerely, thank you.”

____

“I’m so honored to meet you!” The new student’s face stretched to accommodate his wide grin. He was a dancer just like himself, and his new roommate. “You must have a lot of responsibilities as Student Head, huh? That’s so cool! I want to be in your position one day. I can only hope!”

“Kid, can you quiet down?” Haneul asked as he stared off into the distance. There were three figures walking a pathway across campus. Ones he recognized all too well.

He couldn’t hide the somber smile as he watched him leave. His arms were heavy and full with things he’d collected at Pledis Academy. He didn’t seem lost in his thoughts. No, Jihoon looked completely at peace.

They seemed to talk for a little while, and then Seungkwan and Hansol both gave Jihoon a hug and sent him on his way.

Seungkwan was on the tip of his toes and waving to him from behind the gate as Jihoon’s ride drove away. He stood there staring for a long time with his eyes shimmering with tears, and then he walked back to campus with Hansol’s arm around his shoulders.

“Hey, wasn’t that Woozi who just left?” Haneul gave a short nod and looked over at the young kid who seemed ecstatic at catching a glimpse of the music virtuoso. The student looked up at Haneul inquisitively. “Do you know him?”

“I used to know him. He has a real short temper, that guy.” He gave a laugh and then turned and began to walk away.

“Yeah?”

“He was definitely in love with me,” Haneul joked. “Though it was unrequited love. Tragic, right?”

The student laughed at that like it was the most hilarious thing in the world.

Haneul laughed a little too, and then he started to remember all the things they did together. Like sit in a cafe engulfed in drenches of pouring water, beneath the ocean like deep sea divers. And run through the dark forests like treasure chasers, and watch the lights dance at the edge of a dangerous cliff. Suddenly, things weren’t so funny anymore. He touched his cheek, remembering the pain he felt when Jihoon hit him. It was more tragic than it seemed, really. More tragic than any of the ballets he danced in. Losing Jihoon was his worst mistake.

“I guess he wasn’t so in love with me,” Haneul admitted. “Maybe I was in love with him.”

The student looked at him weird. His eyebrows shot up and his laughter ceased altogether. “What do you mean?” he asked.

“Not in love with him. I just mean I never met anyone like him, and that’s when he became the best friend I ever had. I loved everything about him; every single little thing. That’s probably the dumbest thing you can do here, is fall in love with people. Don’t do it.”

“I--I won’t,” the boy promised. “So, if you say he was your best friend then what happened?”

Haneul seemed stuck. A little bit of everything that Jihoon ever told him became prickled inside his body, and he crafted himself into a little treasure chest to hold all the precious memories he found with him. It was a bizarre feeling, Haneul thought, when he--for once--couldn’t speak properly. He looked away from the student and stuffed his hands in his uniform pockets. He bit his lip. He was quiet. He tucked the memories away again deep inside himself, and locked them up tight.

“Well, I guess he became too cool for me.” Haneul turned back and smiled. “Jihoon has a lot of good things ahead of him, and so do I. We just don’t have enough space for one another.”

The student hummed and gave a little pout. “That’s too bad. He seems like a nice guy.”

“No, Jihoon’s not nice. That guy is something else.” Haneul grinned proudly. “Something else entirely.”

They stopped walking, and the young student tugged at Haneul’s wrist sleeve. “Hey, are you okay?”

Haneul noticed that he became lost in a trance. He shook himself out of it. “Mind your business, kid. Can’t you see I’m having a moment here?” He kept moving. “Anyway, Jihoon’s the best guy I’ve ever known. The best. He walked right out of that gate unchanged and he didn’t even stop to shove it in my face. It just makes me go crazy.”

“Are you jealous?”

“Of course I am,” Haneul admitted. “I wish we could have walked out of here together.”

“You can still leave. I mean--if you want to. I guess.”

“No, people who change once can’t go back, all they can do is keep moving forward and hope that the damage they’ve done becomes unraveled.”

The student seemed to ponder on that for a long while. Then Haneul turned, and kept walking in a different direction. The spring flowers were blooming beautifully, and the new student didn’t miss the way that Haneul looked at them, almost with disdain.

“Do you hate spring?” The student wondered curiously as he peered at all the new flowers in the garden they passed.

“It’s not spring I hate, it’s just the passing of time that I despise.”

“Then what do you like?”

“You ask a lot of questions,” Haneul sighed.

“And you avoid a lot of questions.”

“You’re annoying.”

“And you’re more annoying!”
 

Haneul tilted his head back and laughed. “Let’s go back to the dorms then, since you want to talk so much.”

“Sounds like a plan to me!”

Together they walked back to the dorms, with the young student annoying Haneul all the way. He wondered if maybe it was his punishment. Or perhaps a chance to unravel. He couldn’t tell yet.

____

A year passed in their new lives, and they all soon got a call from Soonyoung, inviting them to his house by the ocean for the summer. A small thrum of excitement echoed through him as he drove out there.

Jihoon parked outside where a few other cars were, and he headed around back where he caught sight of twelve other figures in the distance. They were standing around and talking. His heart leapt in his chest when he seen Seungcheol, just like it always did.

“Hey! It’s Mr. Producer!” Soonyoung called, running over to meet him.

“Jihoon!” Seungcheol went over and kissed him quickly, then pulled him over to the others.

“You guys let Soonyoung come up with that name?” he asked with a laugh. “It’s embarrassing you know.”

“We deserve to embarrass you a little! We haven’t seen you in forever. The only way we know you’re alive is through Seungcheol!”

“Honestly, I probably wouldn’t even be alive without him. He’s my ramen delivery guy,” he joked.

“And coffee guy, and chicken guy, and tteokbokki guy, and--”

“Alright, they get it. And that’s funny coming from you, Soonyoung. You didn’t tell me about your new studio in Ulsan.”

“Oh, that’s my fault!” Chan piped in. His hair was different, he noticed. His style had altered drastically too. “I posted it online when I wasn’t supposed to!”

“Wait, Chan knew but not me?” Jihoon acted offended.

“In my defense, he’s co-running with me so if you want to reconsider my offer then you’ll know about it too.” He ruffled his hair jokingly. “Though I know you have your hands full with your own job now.”

“Yeah, this one is a lot to handle.” Jihoon motioned to Seungcheol. They all broke into laughter.

“Hey Soonyoung, if you still need some help in Ulsan, Minghao and I can always come over for a month or two,” Jun mentioned.

“That would be a lifesaver. Actually, I was going to ask you guys about something else. I was contacted by the Daegu competition and they want all four of us to be the judges next year.”

“What?” Minghao asked. “That’s incredible! Did you say yes?”

“I told them I’d ask to be sure, but that it would most definitely be a huge yes,” Soonyoung said with a little laugh.

“From competing to judging,” Seungcheol said proudly.

“We’ve come a long way, haven’t we. I mean, except for Seokmin. But you’re almost there buddy,” Soonyoung joked.

“I may be a little late, but I’ll be transferring to WAA next year. Get ready for some competition Jeonghan!” Seokmin said in a sing-song voice, pointing at him excitedly.

“Like I need more of that,” Jeonghan said with a laugh. “I’m happy you’ll be there though, it was getting a little lonely.” He laced his hand together with Joshua’s and the other gave a guilty smile.

“You know Wonwoo and I go to the University down the street, right?” Mingyu asked.

“Yeah, but every time I hang out with you guys all you want to talk about are your plans for that music label.”

“M&W music label,” Wonwoo said defensively.

“See! Look how serious he is!” Jeonghan exclaimed.

Mingyu grinned and patted Wonwoo on the back comfortingly. “We see your point.”

The thirteen of them inched closer to the waves.

“It’s warm today, isn’t it?” Soonyoung asked.

“Yeah, pretty warm…” Seokmin murmured. “Warm enough for a swim!” He shoved Soonyoung in the water quickly, and then took off into a sprint. “Sweet revenge!”

Seungkwan gave a scream from his other side as Hansol picked him up by the waist and dragged him in as well, joining a wet, sputtering Soonyoung. Chan removed his shoes and socks and ran after them happily.

“I’m going to reschedule my flight home tonight if any of you even try--!” Joshua was suddenly pulled into the water by Jeonghan, clothes and all.

Seungcheol glanced at Jihoon, and he looked back. “I will kill you,” he said.

“I was gonna say the same to you,” Seungcheol laughed. “Only in a less violent way.”

Mingyu and Wonwoo eventually came and dragged Seungcheol into the water too, and they spent several minutes messing around. Minghao and Jun joined in and were having fun pulling the others under the waves unsuspectingly.

Jihoon tried to step away from the chaos, but watching them be happy together made him nostalgic. They were unburdened, no matter the things they carried secretly. Everybody was careless. He was forcefully pulled forward by the scene.

When he walked through the sand he was nothing. He kicked up the grains, almost tirelessly. He approached the waves, closer, and closer. He became violently pulled in. He asked himself if he was happy. One easy question. He wondered if maybe he gravitated toward a path that wasn’t his own. He became lost a few times, no, more than a few. The waves roared, as if they were welcoming him home.

Why did his breath suddenly halt? He opened his mouth to in air, but the ocean stole it like it was its own. He found himself not minding one bit. He didn’t understand anything in his life at all, but looking out at the water made him realize one thing. In that moment, it didn’t matter. The ocean wasn’t there to answer his questions. It was there to make him feel.

It made sense. It didn’t matter where they came from, or what they ended up doing. None of it mattered much anymore. As long as they always returned, they would still be saved. He remembered when his legs gave out, and he remembered lying there in the dark. The world shifted around him and he didn’t even know it.

Standing in front of the ocean, he became wonderfully untied. There was a time when all he could do was pace in a cage and paw at the lock, but now he stood just before the vast beauty of the water. It nibbled comfortingly on his soul as he stared out at the distance. His eyes were widened, and his head tilted back with the weight of his wonderment. How was it possible to feel so light? He mused. He bared his teeth, not in fright, but in the fearlessness of his freedom.

He stood there and did nothing, yet he traveled so far. He could do anything. He rolled his head to the side and watched all of them as they ran in the water. The light rolled off their gazes and dripped like stars straight into the uncontrolled waves. They made up a night sky, trapped in a labyrinth of inky blues. They were pieced together like constellations. He was happy with them. That was all it took, in the end. It was as simple as unveiling the ocean in the painting. And if he looked closely he’d be able to see it. He stretched his arms out, melding himself with the wind. He laughed, and then he seemed to almost cry.

That was it the whole time.

Together, they were free.