Life as Rain’s boyfriend had its’ perks. For one, I had a really hot boy as my friend and we had lots of ‘fun’ together and every moment we weren’t laughing and holding hands we were giving in to our hormones and indulging in every humanly desire we could possibly have.
   We spent most of our time behind closed doors, of course. But occasionally, he’d surprise me with some random ‘date-but-not-a-date’. Last time he took me to the zoo . . . to see the panda exhibit.
   He took so many pictures – which inevitably made me blush – and gave me a panda hat. We even had our faces painted as animals. It was the kind of ‘date-but-not-a-date’ that made the weeks of not being able to see him bearable.
   The times where he was out of the country for fan signings, or TV show appearances.
   The times like now.
   I sighed as I sat in the dark, hugging my body length pillow that had Rain’s full body silk screened onto the front of it – a gift from him on our one month anniversary. At first, I thought the thing was silly and rather babyish. Truth be told, I snuggled the hell out of it whenever he went away.
   That’s why my face was now glued to the soft, fluffy fabric where the painted on image of his chest was. It didn’t do any justice. The real chest was far more comfortable.
   Dammit! Why am I like this?! I mentally yelled at myself on the inside, pouting like a lost puppy on the outside. He’d been gone for almost a month, longer than ever . . . and I missed him.
   When I tried not thinking about him, it didn’t work. It felt as if I was betraying him by forgetting about him. And when I thought about him, I wished I could momentarily forget his existence until I was able to see him again.
   I groaned and kicked the pillow off the bed with a grumble.
   Taec sighed loudly, sitting up and flicking on the light, blinding me. “Hyung!” he growled. “Get up, we’re going out.”
   I covered my eyes, whining. “I don’t wanna!”
   He grabbed my ankle and started pulling me off the bed. “All you do when he’s gone is mope around and sigh, it’s annoying! Get dressed, we’re gonna go out and have some fun.” He looked at me seriously. “You do remember what fun is, right?”
   I pouted up at him, hoping he would give it.
   He didn’t. Instead, he woke up everyone – and I mean everyone – in the dorm.
   Surprisingly, everyone was all for going out. Which was annoying. Why couldn’t they just smack Taec the way I did and go back to sleep? But no, after an hour of getting dressed, Chansung and Nichkhun had to literally drag me out of the door.
   When we were far enough from the dorm that they trusted I wouldn’t run back, Khun finally let my arm go. I dragged my feet, walking slowly. “It’s laaaate~” I whined, checking the time on my cell phone. It was already almost midnight. “I’m sleepy.”
   “Don’t worry, hyung!” Junho’s eye smile was bight and livid. How the hell does he do that? “We’ll get you some coffee.” He skipped ahead of me, linking arms with Taec.
   I sighed, averting my eyes and focusing on walking.
   “The place we’re going to isn’t that far,” Maknae spoke softly. I looked back to see him yawning. “But you should really try and have some fun tonight . . . you seem like you need it.” He gave a small, doe eyed smile and then looked down at his feet as he walked.
   I’d always been a little fascinated by how insanely gentle Maknae was. Unlike Taec and other guys of their . . . size, Chansung wasn’t loud or clumsy. He almost never got angry. And even then, he was unusually calm about it. He noticed me staring at him and looked up, smiling warmly.
   I smiled back, stumbling into a car that was parked on the street. Chansung snorted and kept walking. “Yah!” I yelled after him, running to catch up. “Who in their right mind would put a car there?”
   He rolled his eyes at me. “I know! The street is a horrible place to put something so big and invisible!” He smirked, trying to hide his sarcasm.
   I grumbled and walked next to him the rest of the way to the club. “Hey, are you old enough to get in here?” I looked at him as we approached the door. Everyone else was already inside.
   He narrowed his eyes. “Are you serious? I look older than you right now.”
   “No you don’t!”
   “I have more facial hair.”
   “I just shaved.” False. I hadn’t shaved in a week.
   He ignored me and pulled a card out of his wallet as we stepped up to the door, flashing his fake ID in front of the doorman and then looking back at me. “Why are you just standing there?”
   I showed my ID to the doorman and stepped past him, into the loud neon florescence of the club. “They’re over there.” Chansung pointed to a table off in the back.
   His voice carried over the loud music. I blinked, never before hearing him speak so loud, and followed him.
   “Chanana!” Junho yelled, making grabby hands for Maknae. “Be good to your hyung’s and get us some drinks!” He kissed Chansung’s cheek, pushing the younger boy off towards the bar before he turned to me. “Don’t look so down . . . it’s such a drag!” He made a sour face and then giggled.
   “Say that when your boyfriend’s gone for over a month.” I mumbled, not expecting him to hear me.
   I stared in front of me, trying to drown out the sound of the club music and smell of alcohol. Truly, I didn’t want to be there. But at the same time, it was nice to get out of the house. For the past month, my life had been nothing but dance practice and vocal training. I thought about how going out like this would be impossible once our band debuted.
   It didn’t take long for Junho to convince Taec to dance. I watched him drag the giant onto the dance floor with a cheeky eye smile. I couldn’t help but laugh at Taec’s face when Junho started grinding against him as if he was a pole. He sure as hell was tall enough to be one.
   “Hyung?” Chansung said from behind. I spun the stool around and saw him standing with a tray of drinks. His face brightened when he saw me. “You’re actually laughing . . . wow!” He teased, handing me a beer.
   “You act like you’ve never seen me laugh.” I took a small sip of my beer.
   “I’ve seen you laugh . . . twice.” He nodded.
   Twice? Really? I wrinkled my nose, absolutely sure I laughed more often than that. “You liar! I laugh all the time!”
   He just laughed, glancing at my beer. “Hey, wanna see who can drink faster?”
   I blinked, secretly always wanting to try this, nodding after a moment’s thought.
   He smiled big, gripping his cup. “One . . . two . . . three!” We both started drinking.
   I glanced over at him as I tried to finish my beer in one gulp. Damn, he’s fast. I was halfway done when he slammed his cup on the table and let out a loud belch. I choked a little, putting my glass down and wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. “Y-Yah! You didn’t tell me you’re a freak of nature.”
   Khun laid his hand on my shoulder. “You wanna see a real drinking contest, you need ta’ see Chan challenge Taec.”
   I blinked. “Umm . . . no thanks.”
   “More drinks?” Chansung asked, getting up from the table. He shrugged when everyone shook their head and then disappeared into the crowd of the club.
   After an hour of binge drinking, everyone was pretty much wasted . . . except me.
   Junho and Taec were practically making out on the dance floor. Wooyoung was passed out, using the table as his pillow. Khun had disappeared long ago to chase after some girl. And Chansung was . . . I blinked when I spotted him across bar, shirtless and doing a victory dance as he won a game of beer pong.
   My phone vibrated in my pocket. I flipped it open and read the text from the number listed as ‘My <3’.
   ‘Pandaaaaa~ are you awake?’
   I texted him back with a chuckle. ‘Yesssss~ why are YOU still awake?’
   Thirty second hadn’t even passed before I got another text. ‘I’m calling you now’ I was up from the bathroom in an instant. My phone went off just as I pushed through the giant swinging door to the dark bathroom. “What are you doing up this late?” I answered the phone.
   “I miss you too.” Rain’s soft voice rang in my ear like some heavenly melodic hymn.
   I smiled. “I miss you, hyung.”
   He chuckled, weak and tired. “. . . Is that club music I hear? Where are you?” He questioned.
   “The guys forced me to go out,” I wrinkled my nose. “They said I was moping and being depressing.”
   This time, his laugh was alive. “Aw, poor panda!” He tried to hide a yawn.
   “Hyung, you should be in bed.” I nagged him, knowing he wouldn’t listen to me.
   “Ahh, I know . . . I just needed to hear your voice.” I could hear the smile in his words.
   “You’ll be home this weekend. Sleep now. I’ll see you soon.” I whispered into the phone, looking around with a blush. “Saranghae.”
   “Nado saranghae . . . my Su panda.”
   I blushed from the inside out. “Jal-ja.” I mumbled before hanging up the phone.
   My heart felt heavier.
   Not as if something was weighing it down, but more so something had completed it. Filling the hollowness that I hadn’t even noticed was there.
   Someone came out of one of the bathroom stalls, stumbling over their feet and hitting their head on the wall before falling to the floor. “Ahh! ing horse !” Jaebum cursed in English.
   My eyes widened at the sight of him, lying on the floor with half closed eyes. “H-Hyung?” I went over to help him up, smelling the alcohol on him before I was even close enough to touch him.
   He glared at me. “Was that your . . . your boyfriend?” He snorted, shaking his arm free of my grip once he was standing up straight again. “Go flaunt him to someone who gives a .” He stared at me through the mirror, leaning against one of the sinks.
   I sighed. “Hyung, you’re drunk . . . let me take you back to the table so Khun can take you home.” Why am I being nice to him? He’s an . . .
   He looked as if he was thinking up something sarcastic to say; instead he cut himself off by puking into the sink. It was gross. And I have no idea what possessed me to grab a couple of paper towels from the dispenser, wetting them under the faucet, and dap gently at the puke on his cheek. I guess I felt bad for him, that’s why I didn’t just leave. No one should be left alone in the bathroom of a club like this. 
   He smacked my hand away. “Don’t touch me.”
   I rolled my eyes. “Fine!” I threw the wadded up paper towel at him and headed for the door, stopping myself with a growl. “Why do you hate me?” I turned to face him. “I mean . . . you like Rain, yeah, I get it! But still . . .” I tried my hardest not to frown. I had to stay strong. Or at least stronger than him.
   My strength vanished when he laughed at me, as if my words were hysterical. I narrowed my eyes. “Y-You think . . .” He laughed again, wiping his mouth. “You . . . actually think I hate you . . . over some stupid piece of eye candy?” He chuckled.
   “That’s my boyfriend you’re talking about.” I growled.
   He held his hands up defensively. “Sorry.” He was no longer laughing as he leaned against the counter and smirked. He seemed a bit more sober. “I’ll admit, I kinda do hate you . . . but it’s definitely not over some guy.”
   I blinked, suddenly curious. Apparently Taec was wrong. I would have to kick him for this later. “Well then . . . waeyo?” I asked, looking down.
   He sighed. “You really don’t know.” He looked away and then snorted. “Now I feel like an for hating you all this time . . . JYP didn’t even tell you!” He looked disgusted. I was so confused, he could tell when he looked back up at me. “The real reason why you were recruited into our band . . . is to be backup,”
   I cocked my head to the side, still not getting it. “Wait . . . what?”
   He held a finger up, wincing as he rubbed his temple. “I’m not finished . . . backup in case I  up.” He had that same, nasty look on his face again. “Well, in case I up again.”
   Oh. It clicked and I realized why he’d been so . . . angry.
   I was there to replace him. “Hyung . . . I’m sorry.” I looked down, feeling horrible.
   “So, Junsu . . . it’s nothing personal. I would have hated you no matter who you were.” He nodded, wobbling a little as he made his way to the door. “And don’t worry . . .I’m really not trying to steal your boyfriend.” He wrinkled his nose. “I wouldn’t want that jerk back.”
   That didn’t sound right. Wouldn’t want him . . . back? In order to get something back meant that he actually had it in the first place. I frowned, looking at him questioningly. “I . . . wh–”
   It clicked in his head before I could even get the words out. “Bull!” He stepped over to me. “He really didn’t tell you, did he?” He now looked disgusted, but for once, it wasn’t of me. “That ing , it’s the least he could have done with all the bull he put me through.”
   His words didn’t make sense.
   Okay, they actually made perfect sense, I just wished they didn’t. My heart raced as everything slowly sunk in, letting me digest every rotten detail that my mind could imagine. Rain. My Rain, and all of his soft words, his kisses that made your skin tingle, his warm inviting arms and his beautiful smile . . . with Jaebum.
   Yeah. Taec had it all wrong.
   “When?” Was all I could manage to say.
   He leaned against the call, folding his arms over his chest. “A long time ago . . . I was young and he was fun~” He shrugged off his words as if they were nothing. I took a shaky breath, feeling like my chest was going to fall to pieces right there on the bathroom floor. “Look, Junsu . . . I’m really sorry. If I’d have known you didn’t know by now, I really wouldn’t have said anything.”
   I winced when he laid his hand on my shoulder. “Umm . . . It’s,” the words burned my tongue as I spoke them. “It’s okay. This was before I was even here, right? Not like in means anything.” I nodded at him.
   He smiled a little. “Right. Ancient history.” It was weird to see him smiling at me, it felt off. “I’m actually surprised you stayed with him this long. I broke it off the second he told me he was leaving JYP.” He shrugged. “You’re more courageous than I am.” His fake laugh did nothing to deaden the second major blow to my heart.
   I bit my lip as hard as I could without hurting myself. Now I was dizzy, maybe I was more drunk that I’d noticed. “He’s leaving?” My voice cracked.
   “Well then,” He stood in front of me with a raised eyebrow. “He doesn’t tell you much of anything, does he?”
   “What do you mean?” I felt my pulse quicken, I was ready to freak out. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I just wasn’t hearing him correctly, I mean, he did have the worst Korean in the group, maybe he was just explaining things wrong.And I was drunk. I only had two beers but that’s enough to get some people drunk, why not me?
   I liked these options so much better.
   Jay stepped closer. “He’s resigning from JYP at the end of next month. Sorry that your boyfriend is a book of secrets.”
   My knees were shaking. At any moment, I felt like I would collapse with pain. I looked away from the boy in front of me, not wanting to see him. Not wanting to hear his words of pain or think of his face ever again. I realized why he told me all of this. I knew what his fake smile and odd niceness was about.
   He wanted to hurt me.
   And he succeeded.
   I felt the tears readying themselves around my burning eyes. No. I told myself. He can’t win.
   The bathroom door swung open, and I put my face in my hands as I stood in the now empty bathroom. Don’t cry . . . don’t you DARE cry. Not here, not now.
   “Yah!” a familiar voice broke the silence. “What did you say to him?!” the voice wasn’t talking to me. 
   I looked up to see Chansung standing by the door, glaring at Jaebum.
   “Nothing he wouldn’t have eventually found out anyway.” Jay said, not taking his eyes off me.
   “Babo!” The youngest growled. “You’re heartless.”
   Jaebum rolled his eyes. “I think I’m merciful . . . I didn’t prolong his pain.”
   “Ttongdeong-eoli!” I blinked at how fast Chansung closed the distance between them in one step, meeting his clenched fist with the Jaebum’s jaw. By the time Jay was on the floor, Maknae had grabbed my arm and was pulling me out of the bathroom.
   I couldn’t even protest, though I wanted to.
   Taec spotted us from the dance floor and held up his ridiculously long arm. “Hyung! Dongsaeng!” Chansung ignored him and pulled me out of the club.
   He stopped by the street and let go of my wrist. The fresh air felt relaxing. It was calm, exactly that my mind needed. “Junsu hyung.” Chan said, sounding much like a child. “I’m sorry . . . taking you out was a bad idea.”
   I couldn’t say anything. Not that I even wanted to. I only wanted the pulsing headache and dizziness to go away. It felt like I was going to throw up. 
 

To be continued . . .