Plus who cares if she is gone.

* * *

The lighted screen shined against her pale dry skin. As her thumb slide across the electronic screen, her eyes searched for the human pride of materialistic praises. Her old Facebook page fascinated the new her. She was a popular online sensation, with pictures and videos filled up by comments and likes.

How many more likes can she get? 100likes, 200 likes and 300 likes. The artificial numbers under the buttons grew from 30 comments to hundreds. Her latest status was posted by a schoolmate, who she has lost memories about, stated her current treatments in the hospital, and it had gained her over 500 likes and nearly 1,000 comments.

With the a sudden movement from the tip of her forefinger, the Sumsang galaxy screen lost its light and blended her into the dark empty hospital room.

The media play she had posted herself into reflected only one thing about her forgotten past.

She is a desperate loner.

“Soeun. Are you awake?” Her mother’s trembled voice echoed into the room. The sound of her voice annoys her, and every time she heard it, the skin between her eyebrows folds themselves.

“I am.” Soeun muttered with her eyes closed.

The woman’s slim shadow walked into the room and headed towards the blinds. With a wide motion the sunlight shine into the dark room. “You should have called for me.” The sunlight highlighted the wrinkles on the woman’s face. She reached Soeun with her thin and shaking hands, and an unexpected strength lifted Soeun to sit up from the hospital bed.

“Do you want to try to walk today?” The woman asked softly.

“What’s the point. I can’t feel anything.” The girl replied with her eyes pinned on the two legs covered under the white blanket. She heard the heavy sigh coming from her mother, but when she met her mother’s face again, there is a forceful smile. This annoyed her even more.

“I will get the nurse to bring the meal.” She explained as she packed a pile of old magazine from the green visitor chair.

“Where are you going?” Soeun asked unwillingly as if she had been longing for someone to talk to.

“I am going to work. Your father will come tonight around seven. If you want anything press the button and the nurse will come.” Her mother lifted up another resistful smile under the heavy eye bags. Soeun looked away to avoid witnessing the vulnerableness in her mother. “Don’t force yourself.” Her mother said. “If you don’t want to walk we can always do it tomorrow.”

Soeun nodded, and her mother left the room.

* * *

Ever since she had woke up from the car accident, she was accompanied by the sun during day and the moon during the night. She doesn’t ask for anyone's help, because only her memories can answer her questions. However, sometime faith just wants to play with you, she lost all her memory.

Her name, Kim Soeun, was taught to her a few days after she woke up from the comma. She learned how to speak and write again within a few months under the professional therapy's assistance. Those speedy therapy costed her family everything, which distanced her parents and her even more.

No one heard her first word.

“Help.”

To her it was a good thing. She doesn’t want anyone to see her struggling to stand. Even though her mother keep on encouraging her to stand, she didn’t see the point of walking. There is no goal in front of her. She had became a live food stock. No friend, no purpose and her newly discovered passwords for social media proved how useless she used to be anyways.

“I know right!” The nurse’s voice grew louder as the door opens. With a tray in her hand, she walked into Soeun’s room. They made eye contact, and a forceful smile lifted on her face. She never bother to respond or remember their names. The whole hospital called her empty doll, because of her expressionless face and motionless legs. The nurse placed the tray in front of her and checked her temperature. The room was quiet. So quiet she can heard the nurse’s slow breathing.

“Is anyone visiting today?”  The nurse jumped at her sudden vocal as if she saw miracle happen.

“Not today.” She eyed Soeun from the side.

“You must have felt uncomfortable.” Soeun responded and made direct eye contact with her.

The nurse’s stiff facial expression changed from serious to a difficult grin.

Fake! Fake! Fake! Soeun turned away avoiding the empty smile on their faces. Her disgusted expression was quickly caught on by the nurse.

“Are you not feeling well?” The nurse carefully leaned closer to her. As if she was about to touch a venomous spider, the nurse’s legs are prepare to jump back.

Fake! Another voice scream in Soeun’s head.

“Get away from me!” Her voice squeal to a scream. She pushed the woman away from her face and caused the tray of food fell off table. The bowl of rice flatly landed on the ground, and the fragile orange jello shattered by impact. The white milk card box transformed into a weirdly shaped square. The nurse took a big step back, and jaw hung in shock. Soeun glanced at the nurse who calmed herself with a deep breath and recovered her expression into a smile with an eye roll.

“I will get someone to clear this.” Her smile turned into a resentful twist when she spinned towards the door way.

“She did it again.” A whisper was sent as the door shutted slowly behind her.

Soeun stared at the door for a long time and couldn’t figure out how to express her loneliness. The sound of her heavy breathing loudly projected in the empty room. The scattered food on the ground nagged her. After a stationary stare, tears ran down from her pale cheeks, but it didn’t relieve her. She eventually pinched herself at the leg and hope that it will bleed. At least that way she might be able feel something other than loneliness.

After an half hour past twelve, another nurse walked in with a same old smile on her face. The room still smells like alcohol, which was used to sanitize the room, after Soeun destroyed her morning meal.

“We have a visitor.” The words were unheard of. Soeun lifted her head from the manga in the her hand. With the eyes of hope pinned on the door way, she prayed for a friend, a classmate, an acquaintance or maybe even a stranger to walk in.

The woman’s first sentence was, “Oh God, this place smells.”

Her second one was, “Make me walk all the way here to help this ungrateful bastard.”

She should have prayed for a dog. It would be much better than these human.

The woman had a brown and white fur coat covering her red blouse, and on the side hangs a snake-skin printed hand bag. It had the letter L and V framed on by gold. Her sunglasses says high-class figure, but her monkey red lipsticks says show girl.

As soon as their eyes met, the woman raised her chin and eyebrow and scanned the Soeun’s situation. To be honest, she felt a bit uncomfortable and shifted her sitting position with her hands. Upon seeing  Soeun’s movement, the woman chuckled and rolled her eyes.

“They spoil you to the top. What you can’t walk? So they have to baby you.” The woman turned around and fished out a cigarette from her purse. Soeun eyed the no smoking sign by the door, but the Ms. I-KNOW-IT-ALL cared less. She lighted up her cigarette, and held it close to her body as if she is making space for more room. The cloudy smoke puffed out through her fishy lips like bubbles coming out under water.

“What happen to your meal this mor...”

“Who are you?” Soeun cutted her off without a hesitation.

“Me?” The woman laughed. “I am your savior!” She chucked again and thrown herself at the green chair. “The ability of getting words out your mouth is all thanks to my money.”

As if she waited for Soeun, there is a long silent pause. After a few second, she clicked her teeth and continued, “I am your aunt.” She replied. “Auntie Soyong.”

“What do you want?” Soeun replied.

Soyong bit her bottom lips and rolled her eyes as she tilled her neck backward. When those eyes open once again, they expressed unsatisfactory and hatred. “What do I want!” She proclaimed.

“I want your spoiled to say thank you!” The woman stumbled her feet twice and her unstable red heels clicked against the ground.

“I don’t know you.” Soeun replied. “I never ask for you to help me in the first place.”

Her face was visibly red, it was almost the same color as her blouse. The woman paced around the room furiously, and her hands raised in a claw like motion. Her teeth widely shown. The actions reminded Soeun a few mental patients that sometimes escorted passed the hospital halls.

“Who do you think you are!” She finally found the words to bark back.

“If you don’t want to help, you don’t have to.” Soeun said it in a calm expression that drove the woman even more insane.

“You should have died.” The woman screamed on the top of her lungs. “You!” Her devil sharp fingernails pointed at Soeun. “You must have thought all along that you had a car accident! Well you are living in a lie!”

She had caught Soeun’s attention. Suddenly, her heartbeat raised from fear. What is she talking about? This crazy woman is the only person who had been real with her. She wished for truth for the past months, and now the truth is near, she is afraid.

“A lie!” Soyong screamed.

“You want killed yourself that day! They should have just let you die.” The woman stood up and screamed to herself as she make her way out the door. “Waste such money to bring your back and nurse you to health. She remember gratefulness? No. ing SoJin should take care of her own daughter...”

Soeun couldn’t hear anything after that. Every other words after that only rang against her ears. The day had almost paused for her to think.  The crazy woman was right, and now things make sense. She never wanted to live that’s why she had been enduring self-hate and low self-esteem. She was never meant to live in the first place.

* * *

After a few hours, the hospital grew quiet. She can heard the nurses greeting each other as they switched for night shift around 6 o’clock. Her eyes stared at her wheelchair for a long time. If she is gone today, then her parents won’t have to work so hard, her dad won’t have to stay till midnight, her aunt won’t look down on them, her parents can be happy.

Plus who cares if she is gone.

She struggled to get on the wheelchair. Her clumsy motion made a lot of noise, but no one was here. She strolled herself down the long empty hall of the hospital, and avoided making any eye contact. The elevator opened right after she pressed the button as if it was waiting for her on that floor. As the glass elevator rised, she watched the glowing city. It makes her feel tinier, lonelier.

How many people are thinking of her right now?

Who would miss her?

She laughed a little at her ridiculous thought, but the unsustainable smile quickly turn into a frown. Tears unwillingly streamed down her pallid skin and mucous blended in with her tears. She is helpless.

There are no reason to continue and fight for nothing. She doesn’t remember anything, nor she had any relationship.

Nothing is worth her fight.   

The sound of the elevator ding echoed in the small contain glass. As the metal door slide open, she was greeted by the wind. It blowed against her emaciated body. Her hospital clothes thinly wrapped around her bone structure as she wheeled herself out into the open rooftop.

“Here I am.” She thought to herself as she wiped the tears off her face. The fence surrounding the roof is low enough for her to push herself up.  She brought herself a little closer to the death road. With a bend, she slipped her shoes off her useless feet. Her thin arm lifted her body up the concrete fence. She looked down into the dark street. It will be painless within a few second. She took in a deep breath and exhaled.

Her head till towards the sky and her body sits at the edge of the tall building. The strong wind pushing against her back, but it was not strong enough to save her from the fall. A drop of tears fell from the corner of her eyes.

From her blurry vision, she caught the outline of a toy model airplane flying past her head.

“No!” A male’s voice screamed and ran towards her. He has a tall figure and a full head of hair tied back into a ponytail. He wore the same hospital cloth as she, but barefooted. His right hand reached towards her and the left hand clenched a remote control tightly against his stomach. He seems to be a little too old to play with toy model.

“Don’t come close.” She told him as she moved back to sitting position. “I will jum...” Before she can finished her words, the boy ran and reached for the model airplane which had lost control and decelerating down the building with full speed.

Soeun blushed from embarrassment. Why did she even bother to think someone is about to stop her. The boy quickly turned towards his remote and moved a few buttons. The model airplane crashed the ground and shattered into pieces. Soeun till her head out and stared at the plane with the boy.

She heard a sigh from him, then with in second, he started sniffing. A loud cry busted into the air. The boy sat on the ground and kicked his legs in displease.

“Are you ok?” Soeun looked at him a bit weirded out by his action. From his height and facial structure, he seems to be around the same age. A 18 year old usually don’t cry over a small toy, or even play with one.

“Who are you?” He looked up at her.

She flinched in surprised. “I am Soeun.” She replied.

“Jaerim.” The boy wiped his face with the hospital sleeves. He extended his hand to shake hers. “How old are you?” He asked as Soeun slipped her hand to fit his.

“I am 18.” She kept her eyes in contact with his.

“You are old. Jaerim is 8.”

Soeun’s eye widen at the bewilderment. He looks older than 20. With in second, he stood up from the ground. “Let’s be friends.”

“I...” She looked around in confusion. Maybe someone was with him.

“I don’t have any friends here. The kids in the playroom all think I am too old to play with them. The big sisters in white don’t like me neither.” He clenched on his remote. “Will you be Jaerim’s friend instead?”

Friends...

“I will give you my toy model.” He smiled and pushed the remote towards her.

“It just crashed.” She held on to the remote.

“We can fix it together.” His bright smile lighted up.

She stared at the remote in her hand. What is the meaning of this? Is god trying to stop me from leaving this world?

She lifted her head and eyed him. "I will fix it with you before I leave.”