I set down a pink cloth as I settled myself on the wet grass.  I did my best to double the cloth as to not get wet since I still had a meeting after this.  I leaned against the giant oak tree and closed my eyes.

            I stayed silent for a moment, taking everything in with my senses.  The cold air blew lightly, causing my hair to sway from side to side.  The air bit at my ear, causing me to rub my hands over them.  The smell of nature in all its glory, especially the new morning dew, made its way into my nose.  I took a deep breath in to satisfy myself with the fresh air.  Sounds of birds flew through my ears and I admired the way they seemed to be singing a song.  However, every once in a while, the sound of the leaves rustling would disturb it.  I put my hand down to feel the grass, ending up with a bit of dew at the tip of my fingers.

            This was, to say the least, very nice.  I haven’t been this calm in a long time.

            I slipped my hand into my pocket to retrieve the already opened letter and put it onto my lap.  I felt as if someone had sat beside me, but I ignored it and kept my eyes closed.  I took another deep breath.  It’s best if we start this off in a warm manner.

            “How are you,” I asked, not waiting for a response.  “I’ve been doing well, though the company is still keeping us busy.  However, everything’s just not the same since you left.”

            I giggled to myself, remembering something funny.  “This is completely off topic, but hey, do you remember our first date,” I asked, sighing happily.  “I was waiting at the restaurant for about thirty minutes.  I almost left.  But then you came running in with a bunch of flowers looking so messed up and wouldn’t stop apologizing.  You even got on your knees.  You were so adorable and full of love that night.  I think that was when I truly started to fall for you.” 

“I miss that.” 

“I was so happy when you finally confessed to me.  I felt like I was on cloud nine and I was so sure you were too.  You always smiled at me and it never failed to make me smile too.  I think that was the reason I could deal with all of your teasing.  Your smile.  I think I love your smile more than I love you.”

I smiled as memories slowly made their way through my mind, from the first day we met to the day he…

            I took another deep breath and paused for a second.  I took in the sounds around me, trying to find something to distract.  The birds had stopped singing, but the leaves continued to rustle every once in a while.  Keeping my eyes closed, I continued.

            “Why did you do it,” I whispered softly, running one of my fingers through my hair.  A familiar face flashed in front of my closed eyes but I quickly pushed it away.  “Did you honestly think I wouldn’t feel anything if you did it?”

            “Cause I do and it hurts so much.  So much so that I haven’t slept in a month because I keep waking up after dreaming about you.  I can actually see you doing it and it hurts me so much.  And you know who I blame?  Me.  I blame myself because I couldn’t do anything to stop it.  I couldn’t even tell and that makes it even worse.”

            “I’m supposed to know everything about you.”

            My heart began to tighten and my words got louder, as if he couldn’t hear me before.  I wrapped my arms around myself, attempting to comfort myself.  “I loved you and I trusted you so much.  How could you do this to me?  How could you leave me in such a state?  You promised that you would never hurt me and that you would always be there for me.”

            I felt a ghost of a touch on my shoulder and I quickly shrugged it away, my eyes tightening as I continued to keep them shut.  “You big idiot.  You promised me.  You said you would be with me until we sat in front of our house out in the country, sitting on a porch swing, sporting wrinkles and drinking green tea while our grandchildren ran around screaming like crazy people!”

            Tears that I didn’t know I was holding in started to stream down my cheeks.  I thought I didn’t have it in me to cry anymore, but I guess not.  I gently wiped away my own tears as I took another deep breath.  “I love you,” I whispered, trying not to choke on my own tears.  “But why did you leave me?  Did you really mean everything in this letter?  That everything would continue running without you?  Because that’s a lie!  Because I can’t keep on running without you!  I can barely focus these days and I feel like a robot!  I feel so empty inside and there’s nothing I can do about it because you took my other half away.  Your mother and father collapse at the thought of you!  Did you know your father just suffered a heart attack due to all his stress?  And your sister?  She’s devastated and her husband can’t do anything to change her state.  And all of the brothers you left?  How do you think they’re feeling?  They’re blaming themselves too because we were supposed to take care of you!  You are our maknae.  You are our baby.”

            “Heechul and Leeteuk have collapsed back into depression.  Leeteuk just lost his dad too, how did you think he could possibly be okay with this?  Donghae can’t sleep these days even more so and we can hear him screaming and all Eunhyuk can do is stare at him blankly until the guy cries himself to sleep.  Come to think about it, I don’t Eunhyuk has blinked since you left.  Kangin is doing nothing but drinking these days, it’s all Shindong can do to stop him before he joins in himself.  Yesung and Ryewook refuse to sing these days without you because they can’t stop breaking down.  And Siwon?  He’s always at church and hasn’t come home in days.  Zhou Mi and Henry have stopped coming to our dorms and have refused to come to Korea at all.  I think the only good thing that came out of this was that Hangeng and Kibum finally came back for a visit.”  I laughed bitterly and wiped my tears away again.

            I took a breath and continued in a quiet manner, barely even able to hear myself.  “How could you possibly think that things could keep running without you?  Sure, the stars and moon will continue to appear, but how could I?  How could anyone?  Because we haven’t been able to run without you.  Not at all.”

            “Do you think it’s easy to live without you?  Because it’s not.  I feel like I’m in hell and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.  I hate you for it but I know I’m to blame too.”

            “I guess I just didn’t show you enough how much I love you and how much you are loved.  I guess I wasn’t able to convince you that you were…no, are my world.  You will always be my world.  I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to love you the way you loved me and I will always live with that regret.”

            “I’ll never see your smile anymore.  I’ll never feel your arms wrapped around me.  I’ll never hear you sing me to sleep.  I’ll never taste your improved cooking.  I’ll never feel your lips against mine ever again.  We’ll never go to that ferris wheel you promised to take me on my birthday.  We’ll never travel the world together.  We’ll never hold hands ever again.”

            “Though, I think, worst of all, you’ll never be the first and last face I see every day.  And you know what?  I am so, so sorry for everything.”

            The tears stopped flowing and my heart continued to tighten.  I, again, searched for a distraction and listened in to the birds who began to sing a new song.  I opened my eyes and took a deep breath before standing up, tightening my grip on the letter in my hand.  I slowly walked over to the grave stone in front of me and placed the letter on top of it before kneeling down in front to touch the engraving.

Cho Kyuhyun

November 13, 1988 – October 27, 2015

The forever beloved son, brother, friend, and maknae.

May he sing with the angels.

            “But there’s nothing in this world that you can do to make me hate you to the point that I don’t love you anymore,” I said, brushing my hand over the grave.  “I just really wish it didn’t have to end this way.”

I took another deep breath before I stood up.  “This is it for now Kyu,” I whispered, gently touching the grave one last time.  “Sleep well.”

            With that, I turned and walked away from my sleeping angel.

^^^^^^^^^^

A/N:  Surprised to see the author’s note down here?  Hehe, I didn’t want to ruin it for anybody.

I’m sorry the ending was rushed, but it’s meant to be that way.  I’m in a bit of a mood, so this came out.  I hope Sungmin’s feelings reached you.  Honestly, they were so hard to write and I kept erasing and rewriting to no end and I’m still not fully satisfied.  But, I hope you enjoyed it!

This isn’t what I wanted to put out, but the other story won’t come out, however much I want it too.  This is so late too, but since I didn’t update ‘Til I Reach You’, I will say it here:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM HEECHUL!  THANKS FOR ALWAYS BEING FABULOUS AND AMAZING!