typos exist pls ignore them i don't care atm to fix them or ever really

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Jongin is unable to put into words at the frustration he feels at not being able to reach through the screen and touch Chanyeol. It has been too long since he has gotten the chance to be held in his boyfriend’s arms, to see his smile in person and to feel his warmth under the tips of his fingers.

Too much has happened– they aren’t as alright as he wants them to be and as much as this pains him– there’s not much he can do about it. He smiles weakly at Chanyeol before running his tongue over his bottom lip and sighing.

“I’ll ask them again,” He says as he adjusts the headphones over his head and leans forward to fix the webcam– angling it more correctly, “Whenever their mood is better,” He leans back, biting his lower lip and frowning deeply. “They aren’t babying me anymore– mum is strict again and dad lets her do whatever she wants,” He shrugs, “I wish things–”

“Hold on,” Chanyeol interrupts as he reaches out for something behind his laptop– Jongin remains staring at his chest as his face disappears from the screen and the loud shuffling has Jongin moving his mouse to the tiny icon and decreasing the volume a little.

Jongin won’t admit to being a little annoyed at Chanyeol giving him half his attention because that’ll be selfish of him. Communicating with Chanyeol is proving to be more difficult now because he’s always busy doing something else– important because it’s about his education, but it’s straining their barely mended relationship.

Jongin doesn’t want to complain either because he has his presentations for the coming week over his desk. He had been working on them before Chanyeol asked him to get online and they haven’t talked much– he hopes it’ll get better when they see each other.

They haven’t spoken of their almost break up and Jongin is glad about that because he doesn’t want to remember how he’d acted and the desperation he’d felt in that moment is something he’s ashamed of. It worked out– that’s all that matters now.

He’d questioned himself on letting their relationship end, but he can’t handle that and Chanyeol giving up on them before made him realize that he still wants to be with Chanyeol.

He knows they both said some hateful things to each other and Jongin knows he acted reckless and made rash decisions a couple of times. He acted clingy– like an immature child who won’t stand for any kind of rejection and he knows he was raised better than that.

Selfish is what he is when it comes to Chanyeol but he’s learning to understand that things will never go back to the way they were before. It’s just not realistic for everything to fall back into place, but it still scares him because he now knows Chanyeol wanted him to keep on with the pregnancy and Jongin isn’t sure if it’ll still be an issue. He still can’t bear the thought of Chanyeol looking at him differently.

He knows if they keep going, being together and when the time to plan a future with each other and start a family– he just knows everything will resurface and the old demons will haunt him.

He’s not planning to have children now– sure, in a couple of years when he’s finished with his education and when he has a stable job with a stable income and something attached to his name. When he’s prepared– when they are both prepared to face the future and the past.

Right now, he isn’t at all ready. He still doesn’t have an idea of what he wants to do after high school and time waits for no man. He has to get his act together before it’s too late and he’s forced to make rash decisions. 

 “Baby, you’re spacing out on me,”

He’s startled and blinks rapidly at the lagging video of Chanyeol– jerky movements and the audio is still because Chanyeol’s connection at his university dorm is always weak. “I was thinking,” He admits rather drily.

“I’m all ears if you want to talk,” Chanyeol offers and he finally looks away from his papers to the screen. “Is this about your parents’ idea to chaperon us when we’re together?”

“Yes and no,” Jongin groans at the thought and shudders, “What a nightmare that will be,” He rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest. “It’s a stupid idea,” He adds and scowls when he notices Chanyeol smiling at him, “What?” He snaps and it fuels his irritation when Chanyeol bursts out into fits of laughter– the webcam becomes shaky and unclear, “Stop laughing– it’s not funny!” He shouts and his anger evaporates almost immediately because he has missed listening to Chanyeol’s laugh and it instantly fills him with joy.

“It’s– it’s nothing,” He hears Chanyeol say lowly as he gasps from laughing too hard. He watches with a smile at Chanyeol settling back on his chair properly. “I just love you, you know?” He tells him with his hand over his face, hiding the smile Jongin is sure is there and his shoulders are shaking from the laugh he’s trying to hold back. “And I’ve missed this side of you,” He says between the barely audible sniggers he’s muffling with his hands.

Jongin ignores asking Chanyeol about what’s so funny and he suddenly feels a lot lighter. The only thing he can do now is be strong even though he so often has his weak moments and wants to fall apart because Chanyeol is so far away from him. He has his insecure moments and his thoughts sometimes go on a wild ride when he allows his emotions of insecurity go free. “I love you more,” He murmurs with a smile at the lagging webcam.

()()()()

His question has his mother’s shoulders immediately tensing, lips pulled into an unpleasant grimace and frown over her forehead. She turns to look at him and he has to stop himself from flinching back like a small child. “No, I won’t allow it.” She says, sternly and her tone holding room for no arguments anymore.

He stands there with his arms awkwardly to his sides, having no idea what to do with them and clears his throat. “How long?” He manages to ask because this isn’t the first time she has denied him to go see Chanyeol– it’s been a little over two weeks since he has gotten to see him in person and every time he asks his parents refuse.

“Jongin,” She narrows her eyes at him and he shifts on his feet. She’s back to the mother he has grown up with; the stern one who isn’t dancing on eggshells around him anymore because she’s too afraid to upset him. She’s a lot harder on him now than she had been before everything.

Asking his father does nothing because he always gets sent right back to his mother and she’s not having any of it. He knows they’ve had a discussion about it and she has decided to play the bad guy and Jongin is starting to dislike this side of her.

“He’s my boyfriend, ma,” He mumbles and rubs the back of his neck, eyeing the floor as he says it before looking back at her. “I won’t be long, I swear,” He tries again.

“Your father and I have had this discussion with you before.” She sounds aggravated and Jongin knows now is the time to stop asking before he angers her. He has never been one to start fretting or yelling at his parents so he nods at her and turns around to walk out of the kitchen with his shoulder rigid.

He stops short by the door when she addresses him again, “You have to understand why I don’t– why I don’t trust you.” It stings and a lump rises in his throat as his eyes burn with unwanted tears, “I don’t want a repeat of last time– neither does your father.” She adds on but it only makes the ache in his chest heavier because he knows he has placed all over them in an awkward position and there’s nothing he can do anything to change that.

“You know he’s allowed to come over– we’re not forbidding him from doing so,” She stares at him and from the frown on her face, he knows the last person she wants to see is Chanyeol and Jongin doesn’t appreciate how she has been eyeing him these last few weeks. His father is the same way now– on the fence about everything to do with Chanyeol.

He knows they only let Chanyeol be around him alone after the abortion was because they didn’t want to hover over him. They did hover over him then, but now that he’s a little better mentally and psychically– they don’t need Chanyeol and they don’t want him around.

He closes the door behind him with a click after asking his mother if he can be excused and leans against it– he wishes he could slam it, to act like the teenager he is, act less mature and be a kid– to let her know how frustrated they are all making him and how being holed up every weekend is going to drive him mad at some point.

He doesn’t though because acting out will worry his parents more than they already are. They’re back to being as strict as they were before, maybe more so now because the pressure on his school is now a tenfold.

He doesn’t even want to think about how summer will be like– obviously will be lot worse than right now. He can’t go to Chanyeol’s dorm but Chanyeol come over– but he isn’t allowed to enter Jongin’s room.

Jongin doesn’t want spend time around Chanyeol with his parents supervising them both. It’ll be unnatural and they won’t get to talk comfortably.

Everything about the situation with his parents and Chanyeol is infuriating and more so because he’s still trying to get his and Chanyeol’s relationship more stable because they may be on speaking terms and everything– it’s still not perfect.

Sneaking out of the house is out of the question because his parents’ ‘visits’ to his room are spontaneous– almost as if they are expecting him to sneak out, but he’ll never disrespect them like that. He has already disrespected them enough with his past actions.

He vented to Jongdae about this a while ago– his older brother had groaned and sighed through the phone. Told him it’s his own fault, at which Jongin wanted to argue but held himself back, and Jongdae reminded him that once their parents are set on something– it’s never easy to change their minds about anything.

“This is unfair,” He bites his lower lip, he eyes the phone on his desk and pushes himself from the door. He stalks towards it, picks up his phone, unlocks it and clicks on Chanyeol’s new message.

From: Chanyeol

Have you asked her?

He bounces on his feet as he stares at the message, not knowing what he should reply. He had been nervous about asking his mother if he can go out, already sure of the answer because it’s the same answer she has been giving him.

Now he’s just tired of asking her– Chanyeol can always come to see him, but Jongin wonders just how long Chanyeol will humour him with this patience before he gives up.

I can’t come over.

He quickly types and adds please come over and sends it.

From: Chanyeol

Alright.

Jongin’s shoulders slump because it’s either this or he never sees him again until he’s out of high school. Even then though, he doubts his parents want him to move out when his time for college arrives. They had clung to Jongdae with an iron fist when he first mentioned attending university a couple of hours away from home.

Jongin walks back to his door, pokes his head out and says, “Chanyeol is coming over,” Loud enough for his mother to hear, the movements coming from the kitchen pause before they continue and he enters his room again.

()()()()

Chanyeol had briefly entered the house, greeting his mother– she smiled at him and it was sincere and Jongin knows she’s never going to be outright rude in front of Chanyeol.

Jongin hurriedly drags him outside on the veranda– Monggu runs out as soon as the doors open. “I’m sorry about this,” He apologises sadly and pulls back, his hand warm in Chanyeol’s large one and cheeks flushing in embarrassment when Chanyeol stares down at him and kisses him again.

He blushes because it’s still bright outside and a few people have walked past the house down the street. He’d rather not show PDA to his neighbours because that will give them something to gossip about but it’s all he can get at the moment so he lets himself have this.

“It’s okay,” Chanyeol whispers, “It’ll get better,” He tells him and Jongin shakes his head, but says nothing and sighs as he walks down the short steps. He pulls Chanyeol down with him and settles down, making himself comfortable and leaning into Chanyeol’s touch when he follows suite.

It won’t get better– broken trust is not easy to mend. Maybe with forgiving parents– parents who expect screws up from their kids from the get go. His parents have always expected Jongdae to be the screw up and he has screwed up a couple of times– most of the screws up are with university and the fact that he failed once before.

Jongdae is different from him and his parents expect different things from him and Jongin knows– even if he has always thought it to be unfair– his parents have always expected a lot of things from him, education-wise and a bright future.

Getting pregnant and getting an abortion soon after has thrown them off whatever track they were strolling on and this past he has glued to his belt isn’t one they’ve ever imagined. And now they’re trying to fix his future for him by trying to wrap their iron fist around him.

He shudders now because his parents are aware he is ual active and the thought never fails to make his skin crawl. He’s not at all surprised that his parents– mother especially– doesn’t want him around Chanyeol because what parent enjoys knowing their child is ual active?

“Going inside isn’t an option,” He mutters, “Mum’s on the couch, talking with her there will be something else and I don’t think she’ll let us go up to my room,” He shrugs and smiles into Chanyeol’s shoulder when he hears his laugh quietly. “Sorry,” He repeats even quieter and rubs his face into Chanyeol’s shoulder.

He’s sorry about a lot more than his parents being hard-headed– most of this is his own fault– so he tries to sneak in apologies as many times as he can in any conversations between him and Chanyeol now.

The sorry for not being careful enough, sorry for getting pregnant– sorry for causing him such heartache and just sorry for being not enough and sorry for being an emotional mess sometimes.

He tries not to think about how long Chanyeol is going to tolerate this whole situation and if it causes their relationship to take a deeper nosedive– Jongin really doesn’t know who he’s going to point fingers at.

He bites his lower lip and frowns hard at the ground.

“We’re fine,” Chanyeol promises, as if reading his thoughts.

“If it wasn’t for–,”

“No, baby,” Chanyeol throws his arm around his and pulls him even closer. He still never wants to talk more about it, none of them want to– it’s brushed under an old carpet and none of them have the strength to pile the carpet off and look what’s under it. Jongin knows they’ll have to talk about it at some point– in the future because it’ll be unavoidable. “We’ll work something out,” He whispers quietly and it’s this gentle side of Chanyeol that Jongin has missed.

He leans more into him, he’s positive his mother will let him have this– it’s not as though they are going to do anything inappropriate in front of the house. “I hate this,” He whispers and Chanyeol hums as he nods his head, but he smiles at him and Jongin can’t help– he smiles back.

Chanyeol hums in acknowledgement and Jongin hasn’t seen him this relaxed in a long time. He starts toying with their fingers that are rested on his lap and Chanyeol lets him do it.

He has missed this– they aren’t back to the way they were before, close enough, but not quite there yet and Jongin finds that he doesn’t mind because he knows he isn’t the only one trying to fix them. “I love you,” He shrugs, trying to make it seem like it’s not a big deal, but the look Chanyeol gives him tells him otherwise and he finds himself smiling into the kiss that leaves him little breathless when they pull apart.

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 Sorry for the long wait! I hope this update was worth it /sweats