i always think about what life would have been like if we had stayed together. if we had made it out of that storm. that last night in our hotel room could have been the best night of my life but instead it just leaves a bitter taste. i wish he would have tried harder. i wish things could have been different but wishful thinking never gets me anywhere. my balcony is the same as it was and my room is still mine despite all the changes i tried to make when i completely lost myself. despite it all being lost in time now, i want those times back. i want the parties with my friends and the inevitable heartbreak of falling in love back. i want it all. i stand in my room and i feel so estranged from everything in this town. the ring on my hand lingers and feels heavy. where would he be right now? the stress is no longer my own but from time to time i still wonder how he’s doing. maybe things could have been different and our hatred for each other wouldn’t have won the faithless war. we shut everything away in loveless notes and dirty songs. it could never be the same. our last kiss almost never happened but we bit at our lips with force and desperation. it didn’t feel good. i felt ashamed. we should have tried. we should have done more for each other. the letters under my bed smelled of roses at first. why did they stop? the songs i heard on the radio were so full of love once a upon a time. i bet he hates singing them now. they reek of guilt and overdue distaste. i can’t believe