(Listen to the song as you read the chapter)

I stumble into my room, drunk. The christmas lights are lit and my mattress is on the floor. My life is such a mess. I walk over to my closet, vision blurry, and search for the one thing I need right now. It’s here. I find the cardboard box sitting innocently inside my closet as if it didn’t have my most precious memories hidden inside. I grab the box and plop down on my mattress. I turn the box upside down and the polaroids start spilling on to the comforter. I manage to make out the dates scribbled on them and try to find the first one I ever took. After scrambling the photographs, I manage to find it. The date ‘June 1st’ is neatly scribbled on the polaroid. Who knew a date could burn in my throat? I shakily grab the picture and find a sixteen-year old me lying on my old bed. A necklace hung around my neck and a smile lazily painted over my face. The sun was shining bright that day. I was looking at the camera with a little twinkle in my eye. That was thanks to the guy behind it. Jiyong, he loved polaroids. He said they captured the moment in beautiful, old effects that transcended time. He said you could look at a polaroid and somehow the emotions would show and you could feel yourself being pulled back into that memory. I trace my face and the necklace. Damn, that ing necklace meant everything to me. It was a simple diamond heart but it was his heart. It was his heart next to my heartbeat. He gave it to me that day. It was my birthday present, his heart. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember everything we did like it was yesterday. Our memories are a chaotic string of emotions and kisses and limbs wrapped under sheets. They’re heartbreak and tears and regret but they’re the best ing memories I have. My vision blurs the faint memory as the alcohol reaches my veins. I can feel it draining my consciousness and I’m relieved that I’ll rid myself of the pain when I pass out. It’s so temporary, the relief. When I wake up tomorrow, I’ll still feel the same and I’ll still feel the pain all over my limbs and lungs and bones, but I guess I brought this on myself. I gave myself to him. I promised him he was the only one and that promise is being held against me as I stumble home drunk alone every night, trying to get rid of him. He’s so deep inside of my skin that not even alcohol can make me forget him. The bitter taste will still be there tomorrow and I’ll wake up tomorrow knowing it didn't work out. I promised I would wait and I have, but I can’t do it any longer. I haven’t seen him in months and he’s nowhere to be found. His room is still the same as it was the day he left. His parents are worried and they ask me as if I know where he is. If I knew, I’d be with him. I would follow him anywhere because he’s all that I’ll ever need. I was so in love, I am in love. Tears spill on to the polaroid and I kiss the tears away. Anger fills me as I see myself smiling in the polaroid. You didn’t ing know all that would come your way. Stop smiling. Nothing lasts forever. I rest my head on the pillow with all the polaroids under me and around me. All my memories are scattered on the mattress and I wish I had the strength to look at every single one again, but for tonight I’ll dream about June 1st, that summer day I would never forget. The light cast by the sun spilled on to the sheets and it blanketed our dreams. The memory will forever be etched into my memory. Even in my drunken state, it’s still clear in my mind. My eyelids slowly shut with the memory playing over and over agai