Ji Yong was feeling anguished. It hurt too much, this pain, this hurt. It was pure agony, total torture. It was like he was bleeding inside, like he was dying.

Did he really lose to the Maknae? How could he have been so stupid to let her go for the second time? Why did he even break up with her? Ji Yong wanted to kill himself. But he won’t do that because he’s not that stupid. But he was hurt and felt so lifeless without Lia.

“Without you there’s no life in me,” he sang his song ‘This Love’ softly to himself. “Ugh, I shouldn’t be thinking of these things.” He banged his head and plopped himself on his bed. He covered his face with his pillow.

It’s hard to go talk to Lia these days. It was so awkward. He didn’t know what to say to her. And every time he looks into her eyes — which was not often since she was practically avoiding him — he could see the hurt in her eyes. It affected her. He hurt her. And that was the last thing he ever wanted to make her feel all over again.

Why was he such an idiot??

And now seeing her with Seung Ri just makes his heart burn, like he’s been stabbed by a knife multiple times, like he’s been thrown into a brick wall: badly bruised but still alive.

Still alive but I’m barely breathing, The Script’s song Breakeven came across his mind. He sighed.

He did not like the way Seung Ri was with her; he was so sweet. But he can’t deny the fact that Lia was happy with him and that Seung Ri can make her laugh. He just wished it was him who makes her laugh like how he used to.

“That should be me,” he whispered.

Everybody's laughing in my mind,

Rumors spreading 'bout this other guy,

Do you do what you did when you did with me?

Does he love you the way I can?

Did you forget all the plans thatyou made with me?

'Cause baby I didn't!

That should be me, holding your hand,

That should be me, making you laugh,

That should be me, this is so sad,

That should be me, that should be me,

That should be me, feeling your kiss,

That should be me, buying you gifts,

This is so wrong, I can't go on,

Till you believe that that should be me

I need to know, should I fight for love?

Or disarm?

It’s getting harder to shield

This pain in my heart . . .

Whoever knew that he would one day find himself relating to Justin Bieber? He didn’t even like Justin Bieber and yet his song could totally relate to his situation.

Ever since they broke up he wasn’t able to focus on his career. The songs he wrote were about heartbreak, about wanting ‘her’ back, about regrets of breaking up with ‘her’. He knew everyone wasn’t happy with any of his recent performances. The President even had to pull him one side during practice to give him a warning, asking him to shape up. He was in danger of losing himself.

He had to be careful but Lia was all in his mind. When she follows them to the YG building, she’s always with Seung Ri. He noticed that as she grows closer to everyone there, she was getting further from him.

He didn’t like it.

She seemed closer to the girls on 2NE1, to Se7en and everyone else. He can’t remember when was the last time he and she had a long and decent conversation. It had been too long that it hurts.

He looked at the photo frame she had given him during Christmas. He touched it gently, smiling sadly at the pictures of them laughing and smiling so happily together.

It was enough to break him.

And he did. He cried. He cried, unable to keep his feelings bottled up anymore. Ji Yong needed to let it all out. He wanted her back, but she has already moved on. It was his fault she left him. He let her walk away. No, he had walked away from her first.

He had no right to blame neither Seung Ri nor Lia for his heartbreak. It was his fault and it was eating him up.

Every night he would wish Lia was next to him. He would turn to his other side and wish she was there to hold him. He missed her too much to the point where he dreams about her every night. Sometimes he would wake up and find himself crying.

Half of the dreams were about Lia being back with him and the other half was of Lia and Seung Ri getting married, living a happy life with children, and he was forever alone and never getting over it. It was a nightmare he wishes would never come true.

He would die if it does.

It makes me ill cos you used to be my girl. Crap, why is a song from N’Sync in his head?

I’ve been sitting here

Can’t get you off my mind

Tried my best to be a man and be strong

I drove myself insane

Wishing I could touch your face

But the truth remains . . .

You’re gone . . .

“Not another N’Sync song,” he grumbled to himself.

He dreaded going to sleep every night. He would always wonder what kind of dreams he would have. Sometimes he would think of Lia, who was just a few doors away, sleeping in the same bed as Seung Ri.

“How do you stay awake, knowing all I do is think of you?” he sang Jesse McCartney’s song How Do You Sleep?

He shook his head.

These thoughts usually kept him up in the dead of night and he would stay awake for the rest of the night. He would then start to go to sleep really late like after three in the morning and sometimes even later. When he wakes up the next morning, he would be totally exhausted. He had to sneak nap times or drink caffeine to keep him awake for the rest of the day. This began to affect his eating habits too. At times he would skip his meals entirely or he would just take a few bites and he’s done. He wasn’t able to eat.

He was moody, he was down. He got easily irritated and would snap at almost everyone who displeased him. Once he made a mistake by snapping at Lia, who cried, and everyone leaped to her defense. He tried to apologize but the others wouldn’t even let him go near her. In the end, she had to go to him herself and told him that it was okay, that she forgave him for snapping at her.

That was the longest conversation they had since the breakup. After she said, “It’s okay, don’t worry about it,” she ran away before he had the chance to say anything more.

He sighed as he turned the radio on to distract him from everything. Deng, it was an English song love song. Typical. He was about to change the channel when he caught bits of the lyrics. It sounded familiar.

It sounded like the guy singing understood what he felt.

It was a song called ‘A Little Too Not Over You’ by some dude called David Archuleta. Whoever he is, he really understands Ji Yong completely.

It never crossed my mind at all

That's what I tell myself

What we had has come and gone

You're better off with someone else

Yes, he never expected their relationship to end so suddenly. But she was now happy with Seung Ri. She deserves happiness.

It's for the best I know it is but I see you

Sometimes I try to hide what I feel inside

And I turn around, you're with him now

I just can't figure it out

He wanted to let her know how much he still cares, but it’s too late. But he tries to put on a brave face because he didn’t want her to feel bad that he was hurting, even though she had no reason to feel that way. He, after all, was the one who ended things between them.

“You fool,” he muttered.

Tell me why you're so hard to forget

Don't remind me, I'm not over it

Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth

I'm just a little too not over you, not over you

He was in denial, he realized. He never wanted to admit the fact that they were now truly over. And he also didn’t want to admit the fact that he was still in love with her.

Aren't memories supposed to fade?

What's wrong with my heart?

Shake it off, let it go

Didn't think it'd be this hard

How can people expect him to forget about her when she’s always there, everywhere he goes? Every time he sees her laugh and smile, it made him think of the good times. And that hurts, knowing he might never get that back.

Should be strong, movin' on but I see you

Sometimes I try to hide what I feel inside

And I turn around, you're with him now

I just can't figure it out

Tell me why you're so hard to forget

Don't remind me, I'm not over it

Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth

I'm just a little too not over you

Maybe I regret everything I said

No way to take it all back, yeah

Now I'm on my own, how I let you go

I'll never understand

I'll never understand!

Oh, the bridge says it all. Again, not for the millionth time, he cursed himself for being so stupid. He broke up with her just because Seung Ri kissed her. So what?! They were still together and they had a chance to fix it and yet he went ahead and ended it. Great job, idiot.

Tell me why you're so hard to forget

Don't remind me, I'm not over it

Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth

I'm just a little too not over you

Tell me why you're so hard to forget

Don't remind me, I'm not over it

Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth

And I really don't know what to do

I'm just a little too not over you

Not over you. . . .