8. SHAME

Kyungsoo doesn't notice it at first.

He is walking home, headphones on full blast in a futile attempt to distract from the earlier - (not a hug, nope, let's call it an incident) - incident, and he is too lost in his thoughts - (not about Taemin - really not about Taemin), which don't include Taemin, to take any notice of his surroundings. 

What gets him to turn his head, is a sudden, incessant glare of light shining in his peripheral vision.

And, when he looks, he startles to see a car pull up right next to where he is standing.

Blame it on countless Criminal Minds marathons way into the night, but for a very short second Kyungsoo thinks that he's about to be kidnapped, and he makes a plan to run before he realises that, oh right, he has crutches and he can't, and then, oh , Eun-seo was right - he is utterly defenceless.

Rational thought makes way however when, from the car, a familiar person steps out, engine left revving as he walks around the hood to where Kyungsoo has stopped walking.

It takes Kyungsoo a moment to comprehend what he is seeing, and by the time he's spluttering out a confused, "Doctor Zhang?", tugging out his headphones in sheer disbelief, the man has already halted in front of him, an easy smile on his face.

"Yixing," he corrects per-automatic. "Would you like a lift?"

Of all the things Kyungsoo could've expected the man to say, this was not one of them. He tries not to gape too obviously, but he is so caught off guard that he does just that - lips parted and brows raised in his confusion.

"Doc- Yixing," he splutters out. "What are you- I mean-"

"A lift," the man clarifies once more, cutting off Kyungsoo's babble. "As your doctor, I cannot simply drive past whilst you struggle to walk home-"

"-I'm not struggling-"

"-so let me give you a lift."

Kyungsoo can only blink up at him now, brows furrowed with confusion and disbelief. His body turns tense and his grip tightens around his crutches, suddenly edgy. "What are you really doing here?" He asks aloud, mouth clamping shut when he hears the offence in the statement. 

The doctor though - Yixing - laughs jovially in response, as if a joke has been told rather than a question been asked, and his expression is so curiously exaggerated that Kyungsoo gets, instantly, that something is wrong. 

"What is it?" He asks, shocked by how frazzled his voice sounds. He makes to turn around, instinctively, but Yixing whispers a collected "stop", placing a halting hand around Kyungsoo's arm for good measure. 

The grip isn't tight, or even anything more than a guide of restraint, a warning motion, but the fear which spreads through Kyungsoo is so instantaneous and so fast spread, that he is almost dizzy with it.

Kyungsoo opens his mouth again, wants to say something because now he is scared, now he knows this is something bad, but Yixing doesn't give him the chance. Instead he speaks words so quietly and calmly that Kyungsoo nearly misses them over the loud, erratic beating of his heart.

"Two people are following you." Yixing states simply, eyes fixed straight forward. He says it like he did when he told Kyungsoo to block the numbers on his phone - like he's doing it for Kyungsoo's safety, even though it might scare him. Kyungsoo's breath hitches but he doesn't have the time to react, because Yixing barrels on. 

"Do not look now." He instructs, voice remarkably steady. "Wait until you are in the car, glance over, and tell me if you know who they are. Can you do that for me?"

Kyungsoo nods his head after only a short moment's hesitation, and Yixing grants a jovial smile his way - faking normality for whoever is looming behind Kyungsoo's shoulders.

It takes him a little longer to actually carry out the action. His eyes constantly, unthinkingly, deviate off course, hyperaware of the presences he had not felt before. When he reaches the door, Yixing helps him into the passenger seat, taking his crutches to put them in the back, and now is when he glances behind himself, gaze trailing over Yixing's movements and straying further and further until -

Until he glimpses, and it makes him twist forward in his seat so quickly, like a bolt of electricity zapping through his veins, that he is sure that can't have looked casual. It is instantaneous - how the hairs at the back of his neck prickle, how his heartbeat thunders to a worryingly fast pace, how a lump clogs his throat and his mouth turns dry all over; feeling bare and raw and harsh.

He hears the door beside him click open and can feel as the Doctor settles into the driver's seat, not saying anything for a very long moment.

Kyungsoo doesn't notice that the older man is looking his way until a gentle hand presses comfortingly against his arm, the presence soft and warm. When he lifts his gaze, it is with his lower lip trapped between his teeth.

Something must show in his eyes, because Yixing doesn't have to ask to know what Kyungsoo is thinking. He pulls back from the other, and adjusts his mirror for a long, long while, before he finally gets his hands on the wheel and pulls out from where they have stopped.

"They go to your school," is what Yixing figures, and (even though he doesn't really have to) Kyungsoo stiffly nods his head.

The image of their faces, like a shock, shoots into his mind, as if he's only just realised what that really means.

"They weren't-?" Kyungsoo starts, unsure of how to phrase it.

"No, they weren't trying to hide." Yixing finishes for him, expression thoughtfully serious. "They would have come closer."

He says this, cautious but sorry, and Kyungsoo gulps hard and stiffly nods his head, hearing what Yixing isn't saying. 

They were going to hurt you.

"They are the one's who have put you in crutches." Yixing says. Kyungsoo doesn't even attempt to deny his words, doesn't even try to act as if he doesn't know what the elder is talking about.

"Yes and no," Kyungsoo answers. "They hang around the person who did, but they don't usually do anything like this, I didn't think that-"

He gulps back his words, lips pressing into a thin line.

"I didn't think that they would do anything like that." He goes for instead, looking down at his hands.

It is a shocking thing; that he could have underestimated them so assuredly. The two, the cronies - they have never before been a threat. Their words have always only mimicked what the leader says spitefully, their actions limited to flocking together and becoming a harsher menace through number, but the leader has never (and Kyungsoo has no doubt in his mind that the leader is behind this) sent them to do something so openly.

To do it alone, too, is something which Kyungsoo has never seen before. It is often three or none - and, on some days, the leader by himself - but never just the cronies. Neither have enough power to cause great emotional harm without a more domineering presence to show them the right way, because that's not what they're there for. They're the rats which follow the path of the sewers - brash and brawny, with an excess of ugly laughs and guffaws ready to dish out, and zero to none in the brain power department. Coo, support, punch, kick, fight, shout - that is what they are there for. That they have come alone now, and that too to follow Kyungsoo home, is therefore something discerning.

For this to happen today as well, after Kyungsoo's conversation with the leader, makes no sense. He had thought - he had assumed-

"What is it?" Yixing questions patiently, like he knows exactly what Kyungsoo is thinking of.

And Kyungsoo really shouldn't have expected the man not to notice anything, he knows not to do that by now - but it still strikes him hard; that he can be so easily read by some people.

Kyungsoo thinks, suddenly, that Yixing makes a very good support group leader. 

"It's just," he says then, voice quiet and subdued. "I thought something might've changed today. I asked him why he... Does what he does. And it's the first time I've ever thought he might have an actual reason." Kyungsoo looks to Doctor Zhang. "Was I wrong?"

A silence falls. The car comes to life. He hears the air con buzzing solemnly in the background, and the gentle rumble of the engine glare through the stillness. The soft clatter of coins can be heard pressing incessant against the walls of the coin compartment, and Kyungsoo feels like the wall - too much pushing against him, too much happening all at once.

He wanders how all this has creeped up on him so suddenly, and how he hadn't realised things were changing until they already had.

And when Yixing finally answers, when he finally shatters the short moment of superficial tranquility that had befallen upon the car, Kyungsoo knows that this is the something he had been missing all this time.

"I think you scared him," Yixing says. "And I think he responded in the only way he knows how."

When they reach his house ("How do you know where I live?"

"I'm your doctor, I know all you're details."), Kyungsoo expects that he is being dropped off, but Yixing parks the car instead, looking so casual about it that Kyungsoo almost forgets to ask what's going on.

"You're coming in?" he inquires, though it is obvious.

"Hmm," Yixing responds, "I was actually coming to see you anyway."

"See me-?" He starts, but then Yixing steps out of the car and that awkward moment follows where you have to stop talking because the person you were talking to has left mid-sentence.

"You were coming to see me?" He questions, in full this time, when Yixing opens the back door to retrieve his crutches.

"Your principal phoned," the doctor responds, slamming the door shut and opening the passenger one with his spare hand a moment after. 

Kyungsoo startles at the realisation that he doesn't mind this at all - the man playing chauffeur for him. That he doesn't even let his sister carry his school bag for him, but that he accepts a gesture from Yixing instead - it is something which picks unsurely in his brain. 

"My principal?" He questions, letting Yixing wrap a steadying arm around his back and guide him into standing once more.

"He called the hospital to tell us something happened which may have aggravated your injury," Yixing explains, locking the door behind them. He then stops a second, scanning over Kyungsoo with his eyes. When he is done, Kyungsoo feels inexplicably bare, as if he's just been torn apart and openly examined.

"I won't help you lie to your sister," the doctor says, plain and upfront. 

Had he seen it in Kyungsoo's eyes - how much the younger hated people worrying over him, treating him like he is fragile and weak? 

Kyungsoo sighs heavily through his lips. "I guess I... didn't really expect you to."

Yixing nods at the answer, and this is the exact moment that the front door swings itself open and a fuming Eun-seo charges out, eyes glinting dangerously until they fall on the doctor and falter from surprise. 

"KYUNG- Doctor?" Eun-seo corrects her sentence, turning Yixing's way (Kyungsoo is suddenly very relived for the older man's presence).

"Eun-seo," Yixing replies amiably, because he's that doctor who remembers everyone's names, who cares. "Sorry to stop by unannounced - I did call and leave a message, but I'm afraid the heads-up wasn't quite sufficient. I hope my being here won't be an inconvenience?"

Eun-Seo, like every victim of a Yixing dimple, smiles bashfully - cheeks dusting a vague pink even in the dark of the evening sky. Kyungsoo unsuccessfully suppresses a snort, which Eun-Seo glares at shortly before speaking.

"It's no problem, really." She insists, her tone charmed. "I should've checked the messages on the house phone, but I was too busy worrying over Kyungsoo-", she shoots a scathing look Kyungsoo's way, "-and I didn't think to check before. Why is it you're here? Would you like to come in?"

After small talk had been strung out for a few minutes longer in the hallway, Yixing is the one who reminds them of what he is there for - midway through a conversation about the house decor.

"What room has the best lighting?" The doctor asks, the topic change so sudden that it takes Kyungsoo a second to realise the question is directed towards him.

"Err- well- the, um, the bathroom," he blunders, and the words have barely left his mouth when the doctor steps swiftly past him and down the hallway, a short but clear "follow," thrown over his shoulder.

Kyungsoo jolts at the instruction and fidgets for a moment with his crutches before going down the hall towards the bathroom, where the lights are on and the doctor is already crouched down, setting his bag on the floor.

"H-how-?" He splutters, blinking his eyes furiously when the doctor looks his way. "How- err- did you know where the bathroom was?"

"Suho's parents live in this neighbourhood." Doctor Zhang states. "Your houses are laid out in the same way. Can you sit on the counter?" 

Kyungsoo blinks his eyes and then scurries forwards automatically, stopping at the counter to put his crutches aside. He turns with his back facing the counter and starts to raise himself to sit when he feels hands slot underneath his armpits and he squeaks in shock, instinctively wrapping his fingers around the arms before him as he is lifted up.

The doctor pulls back as if what just happened was completely normal, and then crouches down again, reaching a hand out towards the leg in the cast. 

Kyungsoo is still flustered from the earlier shock and there is a telling blush on his cheeks, so it takes him a minute to return back to the real world and realise that the doctor has been repeating the same words at him for the past half a minute.

"Kyungsoo," the doctor says, "I asked if I could roll up your trouser leg. I need to check that your cast is okay."

Kyungsoo gulps in a lungful of air. "Oh, right, yeah - yeah, sure. Go ahead. Haha. I heard you, I just... Yeah. I- umm- you know, got distracted by the... The... The bathroom decor. It's nice in here, I mean - yeah. Go mum," he says quickly, words spilling clumsily from his mouth.

The doctor's head is ducked as he has started to roll up Kyungsoo's trouser leg, but even from this angle Kyungsoo can see the minute quirk to his lips and the beginnings of a dimple indented in his cheek.

And Kyungsoo, slightly disgruntled, then accuses - "you do know that I'm extremely hormonal. And very gay. You can't just lift me up and then not expect me to react."

The words have barely left his mouth when he slams his eyes shut and cringes so bad he thinks he might shrivel up, brings his hands to his head and hits there relentlessly as if to destroy the memory before it can be saved, because did he really just inadvertently admit that he is attracted to his most-definitely taken doctor.

Doctor Zhang laughs at the proclamation, his fingers now at Kyungsoo's kneecap as he folds a final time and pets the material down.

"Sorry." The doctor says, not sounding sorry at all, a hearty smile on his face which Kyungsoo peeks at from between his fingers. His hands skirt down and he starts feeling around the material of the cast, and Kyungsoo just watches, hands still on his face to hide the clear fluster which fills his cheeks.

It is only silent for about ten seconds before the doctor speaks up again. "There's damage to the cast at the side here," he observes, fingers skirting along the mentioned area in a way that can only be described as professional. "But it's not so severe so as to warrant me having to change it. I can fix it now, whilst it's still on, so you won't need a new one."

Kyungsoo nods his head and the doctor turns to the bag by his side, searching for something there. 

"Who's Suho?" He asks.

Doctor Zhang looks up and his brows crinkle for the shortest of seconds, but then he seems to realise something and just smiles again.

"Suho is a nickname for Junmyeon," he says, lips twitching again when he looks down. 

The cassowary, Kyungsoo remembers, the fleeting image of interlocked hands running through his mind. The openness of the affection, how unrestrained and brave and beautiful it had been - Kyungsoo can recall it all clearly. "'Must be nice." He muses aloud, blinking at the top of Yixing's head.

The doctor looks up at the comment, his fingers resting gently against Kyungsoo's cast, and the smile on his face is so blindingly bright, so radiant with pride and gaiety, that Kyungsoo almost has to look away.

So that's what love does to you, he thinks.

"It's so much more than that, I can't even put it into words." Is what Yixing says, voice breathless with the thrill of it all.

A content sort of silence falls over them for a moment - Yixing working on Kyungsoo's cast; Kyungsoo, wishing he knew what it felt like. 

"Eun-seo," the doctor suddenly calls, "instead of stammering outside the door, yes, a cup of tea would be quite nice. Two sugars."

There's a clatter from outside and a muted swear as if someone has just been startled, and then Eun-seo's voice calls out a "y-yeah, sure," and a scurrying of footsteps follows, growing quieter as she moves away.

Kyungsoo gapes down at the doctor, who in turn has his head slightly turned and his ears picked as if listening for another sound.

"She doesn't know about the group yet," he says - not a question.

Kyungsoo fidgets where he is sat, suddenly uncomfortable. He hadn't felt guilty about it before, but the way Yixing said it makes him feel as if he has committed the worst of sins. 

"I only went once, so... It isn't something to let her know about really."

Yixing says nothing to this. The silence tells Kyungsoo that the response wasn't what he'd wanted. 

"Do you not want to go back?" The doctor asks softly, and then he stops what he's doing and stares up at Kyungsoo, eyes earnest. "Was it... Uncomfortable in any way?"

But the way he said uncomfortable made it sound like he really meant to say scary. It is possible he didn't do it on purpose, but it seems to Kyungsoo like there is very little Yixing does by accident.

"That isn't it," Kyungsoo says regardless, opting to answer the spoken question. He is suddenly desperately afraid that the doctor might misunderstand him. He wants Yixing to know that he isn't lying, that he isn't uncomfortable - that that isn't the problem.

"I'm just-" he says, something embarrassingly forlorn to his voice, "I just haven't done this before. I have barely even spoken to anyone but my family these past three years and I don't think- I don't remember how it all works."

Yixing's hand slides up and down his cast, testing. "Don't remember how what works?" He asks - like he just wants to hear Kyungsoo say it out loud. He probably does.

"Being normal." Is what Kyungsoo gets out. "Being able to talk without worrying about what people are thinking. Really, being able to talk full stop."

Yixing smiles at his cast. "Being human?" he questions, trying to sum it all up.

"Being who I was before I was gay," Kyungsoo corrects, "before people wouldn't let me forget it."

A beat passes, and then Yixing, suddenly, is on his feet, looming over Kyungsoo, the smile on his face abruptly absent and sheathed in furrowed brows, thin lips, gaunt eyes. It is so overwhelmingly sudden, that Kyungsoo can't even react - frozen by the surge.

"Kyungsoo," Yixing says, his tone calculated and slow. "Being gay isn't wrong - don't ever think that that is the reason for the bad things that have happened to you before. You're gay and that's a part of you, but that doesn't define you. The only issue is that people hear the word and they make it define you. And that is not your fault, or your responsibility to change. There are too many people who think like that Kyungsoo, and you can't expect every single one of them to understand."

And then, like he's only just realised how close he has gotten during his speech, Yixing takes a step back, shaking his head as if to get rid of his thoughts. 

"I'm sorry," Kyungsoo ends up saying, and he really means it. He doesn't know what has just transpired, but he has never before felt so ashamed of being so ashamed. "I'm sorry, I-"

"This isn't something you should apologise for," Yixing assures, moving forward again. Kyungsoo wouldn't believe those words ordinarily, but then the doctor shoots him a small smile, and it's so undeniably genuine - even though it is slight - that he relaxes again. "Anyway, I can't exactly say I haven't been where you are before."

Kyungsoo scoffs aloud at the mere thought of this being true, but his eyes widen when he realises the confession to be genuine - the doctor seeming unperturbed by his reaction. 

"You...what?" Kyungsoo questions, because he can't help himself. The idea that this man could've possibly been like Kyungsoo, that this assured man could have possibly been so tarnished - it is something Kyungsoo cannot comprehend.

"Believe it or not," Yixing says cheekily, lips tugged up at the sides. "But that's a story for another time, I think."

It is now that the doctor rises, and Kyungsoo doesn't realise that the job is done until the man starts to pack away his things. 

He clears his throat awkwardly, letting his legs dangle over the counter as he waits for Yixing to finish, and, when he does, and he glances Kyungsoo's way, his expression looks highly amused.

"Do you need help getting down too?" Yixing asks, eyes twinkling somewhat mischievously.

Whatever the atmosphere had been before suddenly dissipates and things realign - Yixing, as sure as always, and Kyungsoo, flustered like is the usual.

"N-no!" Kyungsoo huffs, dropping onto his good leg so quickly that he nearly stumbles, and Yixing has to reach out to steady him. 

At this Yixing shoots him a pointed look, and Kyungsoo can't help but to laugh at the situation, at how easily he manages to embarrass himself. It takes a second, but soon Yixing is laughing too, and Kyungsoo feels so blissfully relaxed in that moment, like all of his worries mean nothing as long as he can always find something to laugh about at the end of the day. 

And when Yixing eventually leaves, admittedly way past what is probably necessary, Kyungsoo ends up with a smile on his face and his new book in his hands, thinking: oh, maybe this isn't so bad. 

Kyungsoo isn't sure if he had explicitly said he would be attending the group today, but he has it in his mind that he will be - all through the school day.

Each lesson goes by without too many hitches. In first period he'd been shot a fair amount of looks from the cronies when he'd sat down, but no interaction had been forced. He only figured out why in his next lesson when he heard of the leader's absence, and could understand why the insults were being held back.

What he also noticed was how Taemin and Jongin have made up. At lunch he'd been moving around and busily piling food onto his plate, when he'd looked up to see the two laughing like they usually did - unrestrained and real. 

It put Kyungsoo in a decidedly bright mood, but that still didn't mean he didn't purposefully try to avoid the two whenever they appeared to be approaching (he still can't look Taemin in the eye).

With all of this going on too, Kyungsoo allowed himself time to wonder who, if not Taemin, had gifted him that book. He didn't want to think too much about it before, but now that the obvious choice is gone, he can't help but to look at all the other possibilities. Was it the principal? Was it a classmate who had seen what happened but had not done anything to stop it? Or was it, simply, Jongin?

His was the first name to pop into Kyungsoo's head after Taemin was disproved, but he isn't sure what that would mean. Why would Jongin be sorry? What had he done wrong?

Kyungsoo thinks of the boy, and how he acts around school: a mystery, a myth from the outside world.

He is unknowable, Kim Jongin. 

Kyungsoo cannot help but to shiver the next time he opens the book to read it. 

The walk to the group feels much shorter this time, and Kyungsoo ends up being slightly early. 

"Kyungsoo!" Is what he hears when he rounds the corner, and then Jongdae is bounding up to him, a -eating grin on his face. "'Told you he would come back!" He proclaims, stretching a hand out behind him.

Kyungsoo watches as a disgruntled Luhan steps forward and shoves a couple of notes into Jongdae's hand, expression sour and sore.

He doesn't know whether to feel flattered that they'd thought of him, or offended that they'd bet over him, so he goes for a short bow of his head and a collective hello to those who are already there.

"Kyungsoo," someone says from behind, and then Tao is right by his side, helping him forwards towards the double doors that led into the hall. "Yixing said we can go in guys," he calls, and whilst the people who are here (Jongdae, Minseok, Luhan, Kris, Chanyeol and Baekhyun) bustle up to the entrance, Tao turns Kyungsoo's way and asks how he has been.

And this is why Kyungsoo has warmed most to the younger boy - plain and forthright. He's always aware, always careful, about the things he says and how they can be interpreted. Where Taemin and Jongin can make him fluster with their teasing temperaments, and Yixing can send him on a damn roller coaster ride three times over from just one short conversation, Tao is, inexplicably, comfortable. Their personalities just suit. Rather than asking him why he wasn't there yesterday, Tao asks him what he's done during that time, and gets the answer anyhow.

"Something came up yesterday," Kyungsoo says, willingly. "But I've been pretty fine if I'm honest."

And then they're talking, and walking towards the chairs which have already been set out - Tao helping Kyungsoo with his crutches once more, like it is already a routine.

Yixing and Suho arrive next, and Kyungsoo takes the opportunity of seeing them arrive together to inspect how they act around one another. 

Yixing, Kyungsoo thinks, smiles a lot more with Suho around - like he can't help himself but to. Suho, on the other hand, looks at Yixing like people look at art at a museum; the captivation in someone's face when they stumble across a painting so beautiful that they can't find it in themselves to break away.

Kyungsoo, again, feels like staring at them is too private - that their bubble should stay intact and away from watchful eyes.

It only takes a few minutes after that for the rest of the group (Sehun) to arrive, just minutely on time. It amuses Kyungsoo to no end when the only seat remaining is the one by his side and the boy looks more than terrified when he reluctantly settles on the chair.

"Alright," Yixing says, voice cutting through the buzz of the crowd, but whatever he was about to say dies out when a muted fizzle of voices sounds in the hall as the entrance doors are opened once more.

Kyungsoo, sat perfectly away from the door, makes to turn around and inspect who has entered, but then the person behind suddenly speaks, and Kyungsoo freezes in his seat.

"Were you going to start without me?" The voice teases, breaking through the stillness.

"Oh, now you show up!" Jongdae proclaims, troll face stretched into the widest of grins. "You've missed a lot this time."

Footsteps sound ever closer from behind Kyungsoo, and he cannot help it - the way he tenses, the way he can feel himself pale from the shock.

This makes no sense. This makes no sense, this-

"Am I counting extras or am I just seeing things?" The voice says, much closer this time, paired with a light chuckle. 

-but this is real. Kyungsoo can't mistake that voice. Kyungsoo can't be wrong about this.

The 12th member, he thinks. The current group as it stands - minus one who Kyungsoo is told will be lucky to meet within this week, given their selective presence.

"Oh, right," says Yixing now, smiling at the face behind Kyungsoo's head. "You haven't met Kyungsoo, yet."

And he hears it, almost instantaneous - the way the steps behind him falter and the voice sounds out, a short, a disbelieving, "Kyungsoo?"

When Kyungsoo turns around, he knows what he'll see, but it still doesn't hide the shock in his voice, the crack in his whisper:

"J-Jongin?"

A/N

Um so that happened. And now things will get interesting ;))))))))

Oh but before we continue, being attracted to someone does not mean you have a crush on them (well not a proper, heart-wrenching one anyway.) I have to clear that up before anyway gets the wrong idea about Squishy and Yixing okay thanks bye hope you liked <3333 

(Sorry it took so long. There is one thing I can say to explain everything: ing A Levels. Just know I won't give up on this fic because I love you bubbas too much).

Please comment your opinions below <33333333333333