Outting
Gay Support Group38. OUTTING
Four years earlier
“Kyungsoo!”
Kyungsoo followed the call to Blake, him and Jaehyun waving him over from across the school’s front tarmac. He moved to meet them, surrounded by a barrage of other students all searching for their friends to do the same.
Summer break had just ended, and it was the first day back at school. Kyungsoo had loved the summer, the free-time to do what he wanted: lazing around on the deck of his back porch with his keyboard balanced on his lap, penning in random tunes he thought had promise; reading the plethora of books he’d picked up over the school year and not yet found the time to dive into; relaxing with Eun-Seo, trying to get time in before they both went back to their school routines. It had been a great summer, but he was privately happy to be back at school, to see his friends and go to classes again.
“Hey, how were your guys’ summers?” He asked as he met his friends. He’d not seen either of them the entire holiday, each of them summering in different parts of the world for their weeks off; it felt nice and familiar to see their faces again.
“Same old, same old, went to visit the grandparents in Sanpo,” Jae-Hyun riposted, then his smile stretched, and he nudged Blake by his side. “Blake had a much more exciting summer though, didn’t you Blake?”
Blake didn’t falter at the tone, instead wiggling his brows Kyungsoo’s way. “‘Went to the summer house in Canada again. SooHyun was there.”
Kyungsoo now understood the wiggling brows, and he laughed incredulously; SooHyun was the girl Blake had had a summer romance with the year before.
“She’s finally, let’s say, ‘grown into her body’, if you know what I mean?”
Kyungsoo understood the implication easily, but he just granted a sheepish look: now probably wasn’t the best time to admit how little he cared about s and whether or not they’d developed on his friends’ love interests.
“How was it?” Jae-Hyun prodded, clearly far more invested in this conversation than Kyungsoo could even pretend to be. Kyungsoo drowned their conversation out, instead looking around at the students milling about around them.
He looked to his left, shaking his too-long hair from his eyes, but he halted in place when he saw a boy from across the tarmac. In his chest, like every cliché, he felt his heartbeat falter.
The boy was really good-looking. He was tall and gangly, with shoulder-length jet-black hair and hooded eyes just as dark. Kyungsoo took a moment to admire him in as subtle a way as he could, playing with the cuff of his blazer. The boy adorned his year group’s tie, but Kyungsoo was sure he’d never seen him before.
Kyungsoo turned back to his friends, trying to seem nonchalant. “Who’s the new kid?” He asked, gesturing with his head towards the handsome boy. Both Blake and Jae-Hyun turned without questions, and Kyungsoo was glad that neither of them appeared suspicious. He hadn’t shared his uality with them, yet, and he didn’t plan to with anyone in school for a long time.
“Isn’t that Jun-Ho?” Blake questioned.
Kyungsoo raised his brows. “Jun-Ho? The short theatre guy with a perm?”
“Well, I guess he’s grown,” Jae-Hyun shrugged. “And lost the perm.”
Damn right, Kyungsoo thought, peering back Jun-Ho’s way. How is this guy real?
“Come on, let’s get our timetables before school bell rings,” Blake interjected, and they followed suit - Kyungsoo taking one last glance back at Jun-Ho before walking along.
Kyungsoo was in his fourth period English class when he saw Jun-Ho again that day.
He had always been one of those people who could drown out sound around him, could find a quiet in loud places. For this reason, as he doodled mindless lyrics into the margin of his notebook, he only looked up from his work when the empty chair beside him scraped back against the linoleum floor – the only sound to penetrate through his bubble of focus.
His breath caught in his throat though when he saw Jun-Ho towering next to him, throwing his backpack to the ground and coat over his chair before settling into place. Kyungsoo immediately straightened, pen falling from his hands as he looked brazenly Jun-Ho’s way.
Jun-Ho, feeling Kyungsoo’s gaze, turned and their eyes met. Maybe it was in Kyungsoo’s head, but, even then, he was sure something passed between them with that miniscule contact, something small and brief but something substantial. Jun-Ho though only smiled, seemingly unaware of the moment.
“Kyungsoo, right?” he said. “‘Guess we’re seat partners this year.”
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo riposted after a beat, a bit numb by this series of events. “Jun-Ho?”
Jun-Ho broke out into a small smile, all on his lips. Kyungsoo tried not to zero in on that too obviously. “You remember.”
Kyungsoo swallowed. “I mean, you look different, but yeah,” he fibbed.
“Yeah, people have been telling me all morning,” Jun-Ho rolled his eyes good-heartedly, but something about this made Kyungsoo’s heart stutter horribly in his chest. He exerted effort into hiding this reaction, and then he cried internally when he realised this semester was going to be torture.
And almost as if Jun-Ho had crept into his head and heard his thoughts, he offered Kyungsoo a small, demure smile and announced, “I think this’ll be a great semester.”
For the next month or so Kyungsoo and Jun-Ho spoke a lot more during their English lessons. They got the work done quickly, Jun-Ho good at writing and Kyungsoo good at pronunciation, and their teamwork meant they could spend a lot of time chatting whilst the rest of the class caught up.
Kyungsoo learned so much about the boy in those lessons: about his interests and hobbies, his goals, and dreams. Kyungsoo didn’t think he’d ever gotten along with a seat partner more than he did with Jun-Ho then.
Of course, their interactions meant that Kyungsoo’s initial attraction for the boy had now developed into a full-blown crush. He didn’t think he could’ve squashed it even if he’d tried: Jun-Ho was everywhere in school, always with that pretty smile and those hooded eyes – a juxtaposition all in his face. It scared Kyungsoo how much he started to look for the boy when he entered the school gates, in the canteen at lunch, even in the hallways between lessons.
He did find himself watching more intently when Jun-Ho was with girls. Of course, he was not the only one who’d noticed Jun-Ho’s upgrade in appearance, and Kyungsoo could see the same starstruck look on their faces that he had to catch and stop from showing himself. He saw the way they flirted, the way they fluttered their lashes, but he could never quite gage Jun-Ho’s response to it all.
And whilst it was pretty much completely impossible for the other to be a closeted gay too (Kyungsoo definitely wasn’t that lucky), he was privately happy that Jun-Ho was single, and that there was no girl in the year he was rumoured to be flirting with or pursuing.
The real pivotal moment for Kyungsoo came later, when the teacher announced a project where each student had to talk about something they love entirely in English, and present that before the class.
It was a week before the deadline for this project that Jun-Ho turned to Kyungsoo and implored for help. “I have the speech down,” Jun-Ho said, “it’s just the pronunciation that always s me up. Would you want to maybe come over after school today so we can work on it together?”
Kyungsoo tripped over his own tongue in his haste to agree, heart stuttering at Jun-Ho and the way he looked so gentle when he was asking him for something.
That’s where he found himself a couple of hours later, sat beside Jun-Ho on his bed as they worked on their respective projects.
What about this word?, Jun-Ho interjected with every now and then, gesticulating to this or that. Kyungsoo in turn asked for better words, descriptors that could work in his presentation to make it flow more nicely.
We really do work well as a team, Kyungsoo thought idly after the seventh repeat of this cycle of interactions.
As they worked, Kyungsoo was hyper-aware of Jun-Ho’s shoulder pressed up against his, of the way he moved so close when he was teaching Kyungsoo a new word and showing him where to put it. He could barely focus, heart now all the way up in throat as nerves took him over. It became a game of waiting expectantly for Jun-Ho to turn to him, to ask for his help with those dark but gentle eyes and sweet voice.
Eventually, Kyungsoo began to see how comfortable and relaxed Jun-Ho appeared in his presence, and a small part of him wondered what it might be like if his feelings were returned. It was painful how easy it was to envision. After the days they’d spent speaking to one another, getting closer and spending more and more time together, Kyungsoo didn’t have to wonder. He reckoned that things might not be too different between them as a couple and as what they were then, that they’d be easy, and wasn’t that what liking someone was supposed to be?
But the thought process was short-lived when Kyungsoo remembered who he was and who he liked; if there was one thing he was sure of, it was that liking someone would never be easy for him – not then, not ever. He would never be able to approach any person he found attractive and ask for their number. He wouldn’t be able to hold hands with his crush in public places. Hell, he wouldn’t even be able to marry his future partner in the country he lived in. And even if it was sometimes so nice, so freeing to forget all that for a change and envision a life where uality was not questioned nor talked about, Kyungsoo knew the truth.
Liking someone would never be easy for him.
“Hey, are you okay?” Jun-Ho asked.
Kyungsoo turned to him, surprised by how serious he appeared. Kyungsoo hadn’t realised his reverie had been so obvious – what had his face been showing?
“Oh-“ Kyungsoo shrugged. “Yeah, sorry, just getting caught up in my thoughts.”
Kyungsoo jumped when he felt a weight over his arm, his eyes fixated to where Jun-Ho’s hand was now resting, fingers wrapped loosely around his wrist. The tips of those fingers danced gently over Kyungsoo’s pulse point, so faint a touch that it made Kyungsoo want to shiver.
“You can tell me if there’s something bothering you?” Jun-Ho assured, looking so very soft and trustable that Kyungsoo couldn’t bear it.
For a moment, Kyungsoo’s lips trembled. He stared openly at Jun-Ho, at the earnestness that seemed to be etched into even the minutiae details of his face, and he realised how much trust he had developed in the boy over those short days, how easy it would be to just let his guard down. The words he’d held back his entire life teased at the tip of his tongue, closer than they’ve ever been before to spilling out: I’m gay.
But, in the end, just like always, the fear won, and he kept his resolve. His lips pressed resolutely together.
“It’s really nothing,” he assured again with a small smile.
They looked at one another. Jun Ho’s gaze was avid, unwavering, and it flittered across Kyungsoo’s face as if trying to figure him out. The weight of it transfixed Kyungsoo, rendering him unable to turn away even if he’d wanted to, and he cursed internally when he felt the way his cheeks begun to fill with heat. But before he could really squirm from the prolonged contact, Jun Ho just smiled his wide and kind smile and the moment passed just as quickly as it had come.
Kyungsoo left Jun Ho’s house that day practically trembling with nervous energy, wondering if the feeling he had- that something between them had been irreversibly altered -, was one that the other might share.
A few days passed since their study session, and the day that they had to present their project in class came sooner than Kyungsoo would’ve expected.
Kyungsoo hadn’t really seen much of Jun Ho through the week, so it hit him even more than usual when he saw the boy already sat at his desk for their lesson when Kyungsoo arrived.
Kyungsoo halted in the doorway for a moment, taking the other in. His gaze fell to Jun Ho’s fingers, which drummed nervously on the wood of the school desk, and his feet below which tapped against the floor to the same rhythm. He must have been lost in thought, for his eyes seemed very far away, fixated to a particular brick on the wall, unmoving but distant. There was something oddly heart-fluttering about the image, about the way Jun Ho looked when he was thinking. Kyungsoo would pay big money to hear some of those thoughts.
He finally moved forward, jostled by the students filing in around him, and approached their shared desk.
“Hey,” he calls out, abruptly nervous about how the boy might act after their last strange encounter.
Jun Ho’s expression though brightened like sun beams peeking through clouds, and he greeted Kyungsoo in much the same way as always. “You ready for today?” He asked after a moment.
Kyungsoo shrugged, settling into his place and tugging his project out from his bag. “A bit nervous, I guess. What about you?”
“I’m ting it,” Jun Ho responded honestly, and Kyungsoo snorted at the unexpected expletive. Jun Ho‘s brows bunched together. “How are you so calm?”
“Jun Ho,” Kyungsoo called, watching the way the boy jittered in place. “Jun Ho, we practised enough the other day. You don’t have anything to worry about, trust me.” At the last sentence he moved forward and rested his hand on Jun Ho’s arm in much the same way Jun Ho had back at his house - a subconscious movement. The touch seemed to speak to Jun Ho louder than Kyungsoo’s words, and he finally stilled to look at Kyungsoo in the eye. Kyungsoo watched the way the panic in them dissipated a bit, and his orbs seemed to clear.
The contact broke when a particularly loud group of students walked into class, and Kyungsoo moved his hand back just as Jun Ho turned away, loudly clearing his throat.
Any other chance of conversation they had was cut short by the arrival of their teacher, and Kyungsoo shook the moment from his thoughts and willed himself to focus.
“Yes!”
Jun Ho shouted out as soon as they’d left the classroom doors and had started to bustle out. Their presentations went smoothly, and even Kyungsoo had been impressed by the improvement in Jun Ho’s pronunciation during his turn up front.
He laughed at Jun Ho’s exaggerated reaction, but the sound got cut short when Jun Ho’s arm suddenly swung around his shoulders and pulled him to his side. The sudden proximity made Kyungsoo’s breath hitch in his throat, eyes wide and darting.
“Couldn’t have done it without you, Kyungsoo,” Jun Ho announced, walking them both onwards with his arm still firmly in place.
“Likewise,” Kyungsoo managed, slowly adjusting to the weight over his shoulders; this was a feeling he could get used to, he thought.
It was the last lesson of the day, so the crowd of students were particularly loud and exuberant in their rush to get home. No one really seemed to spare them a second glance, so Jun Ho’s arm stayed in place, casual and warm as they chattered away.
When they were finally outside of the school front gates is when Jun Ho broke the contact, and when Kyungsoo turned to gage why, he was surprised to see the boy looking so tense, his lips pulled into a thin, unreadable line.
“Are you okay?” Kyungsoo questioned, immediately worried. Had he freaked Jun Ho out when he’d touched his arm earlier? Had he noticed Kyungsoo blushing at him the other night?
His thoughts were broken though when Jun Ho finally met his gaze, and there was something so novel and strange in his expression, unlike any other that Kyungsoo had seen him show, that made Kyungsoo suddenly afraid.
“Jun Ho-“ he started cautiously.
“Hey, let’s go here,” Jun Ho interrupted. Before Kyungsoo could question it, he was being led back across the school tarmac down the side pathway that led to the side fields.
“Jun Ho-“ he tried again in confusion, but Jun Ho only shushed him. They continued walking, Kyungsoo letting himself be led even as his heartbeat thundered tremulously in his chest, a thousand doubting thoughts bouncing around his mind. Kyungsoo only returned to the present when Jun Ho suddenly stopped, right at the edge of the side field near the outdoor Sports Hall and cloakrooms, far away from the other school buildings. It was quiet here, and the remoteness of the side fields after hours made the sound of the students leaving class around them sound much, much farther away than they were.
Kyungsoo looked to Jun Ho then, and though the harried character to his eyes had dissipated somewhat, he still appeared perturbed and anxious. He also wasn’t meeting Kyungsoo’s eyes, instead staring resolutely to the ground.
Kyungsoo took a tentative step forward, ducking to try to meet the other’s gaze.
“Jun Ho, what’s up?” he asked in as soft a tone as he could muster. He reached out, and his fingers pinched ahold of the cuff of Jun Ho’s blazer in a small, barely-there grip.
The move seemed to be enough though, for Jun Ho finally looked to him, his eyes wide and lashes fluttering. Kyungsoo flustered immediately; he hadn’t realised how close he’d moved to him, how close they now stood together, Kyungsoo’s head tilted up to meet Jun Ho’s gaze.
“I need to tell you something.” Jun Ho admitted eventually, and now Kyungsoo couldn’t read his expression at all.
“Okay?” Kyungsoo questioned, curiosity in his eyes even as blood pounded hard in his ears and cheeks from being so close to the boy.
Jun Ho swallowed – Kyungsoo could see it directly before him, the way his Adam’s apple bobbed slowly down his throat. It was mesmerising. He knew his gaze lingered on that neck a moment too long though when Jun Ho’s jaw clenched before him, and now when they met gazes Kyungsoo felt how the atmosphere between them changed. Suddenly, everything was electric, and intimate – as if time had stood still, as if they were the only two people in the world.
“Kyungsoo,” Jun Ho’s lips moved like art, and Kyungsoo couldn’t decide whether to look to them or to Jun Ho’s eyes. The choice was clear though with Jun Ho’s next words. “Kyungsoo, you are beautiful. I… you are so beautiful.”
What? Kyungsoo looked to those eyes, saw the earnestness in them, but he couldn’t believe it.
“Kyungsoo, I like you.”
Kyungsoo thought he must’ve stop breathing.
“You- what…” Kyungsoo breathed.
This was something Kyungsoo never could have anticipated. It was just that, whilst he wasn’t blind to the happenings in school around him, all the crushes and the confessions and the blooming of new relationships, he never really expected that that phase in life was something he could truly be a part of. Being gay was hard enough, but being closeted gay in a country with very little acceptance of it made finding love impossible. Kyungsoo had always believed that that sort of thing would only happen for him when he was older, much later in his life.
That was why Jun-Ho’s words had him reeling. He put a hand to his heart, genuinely worried for a moment that it might burst straight out of his chest.
“I like you.” Jun Ho affirmed, looking sure but also timid. “Do you, um… do you like me too?”
“Yes!” Kyungsoo finally regained control of his vocal cords, and suddenly he was smiling, unable to stop. “Ohmygod, yes! I- what!? You like me?” he repeated, disbelieving.
Jun Ho’s face split into one of his wide, beaming smiles that made Kyungsoo weak in the knees, and a trilling laugh pealed from between his lips. “Yes, I like you!” he repeated, more confident this time. “I really like you, Kyungsoo.”
Jun Ho reached out, and Kyungsoo startled when he felt the boy slot his hand into his own, the contact small but warm. Kyungsoo stared at their joined hands, heart pounding and Jun Ho’s words reverberating in his head: I really like you, Kyungsoo. I really like you, Kyungsoo. I really like you, Kyungsoo.
He looked up again, but hesitated when he saw students filing into the field from beyond Jun Ho’s shoulder, decked out in sports kits as they moved towards the Sports Hall by where they are stood. A couple of gazes skittered over to them curiously, and Kyungsoo froze.
Jun Ho must’ve recognised the meaning of the expression, for his hand suddenly snatched away from Kyungsoo’s, and he took a shaking step back. Kyungsoo blinked in surprise, unable to mask the hurt of the move, but Jun Ho was looking back instead at the approaching students.
“, sorry, I better get going,” Jun Ho whispered this, turning so only Kyungsoo could see his face. Jun Ho looked paler, almost gaunt. His whole form seemed to have straightened, tensed up in place like an elastic band.
Kyungsoo frowned, immediately worried. “Hey-“ he started, opening his mouth, about to ask if the other was okay, but Jun Ho fixed him with one of his gentle smiles, eyes as earnest as they had been before.
“We’ll talk tomorrow?” he whispered, but it was enough for Kyungsoo to feel a bit better. Kyungsoo only had a short second to nod before Jun Ho his heel and jogged away, leaving Kyungsoo frozen in place, heart still pounding fiercely in his chest.
Kyungsoo lay awake that night, staring at his ceiling in the dark, unable to fall asleep.
His mind was a mess, repeating the moment of that confession over and over in his head. He couldn’t help but to fret over what else he could have said or done, what he should have made clearer whilst he’d had the chance to. But the interruption from the students milling onto the field had made a response impossible and marred the tenderness of the moment.
Eventually, unable to feign sleep any longer, Kyungsoo stumbled over to his desk and pulled out his songbook. Often, writing music had been his outlet when his thoughts had been jumbled and his feelings difficult to grasp and understand. Today though, as he poised with pen before paper, he hesitated. For the first time in a long while, rather than a song, he found himself writing a letter: the response to Jun-Ho he wished desperately he’d been able to give in the moment. He spent a whole hour writing and rewriting, throwing away draft after draft, until he was finally happy.
With trembling hands, he slotted the final piece into an envelope. He turned it to write Jun Ho’s name out, but he hesitated here. After a moment of contemplation, he instead wrote, in swift, wispy letters: ‘First Love’. Even seeing the words on paper made his cheeks pink, but he thought of Jun-Ho’s words from earlier, his sweet confession, and, with a fluttering heart, he trusted it. He slipped it dutifully into his school bag, in the middle of one of his textbooks, before finally collapsing back into bed.
He went to sleep with his heart pounding fiercely in his chest.
Kyungsoo went into school the next day happy, but full of nervous energy.
He had his letter to Jun Ho in his bag with him; he’d spent the late hours of the night trying to figure out how to give it to him during the school day in a place where they could be alone. The letter felt like a big weight he was carrying with him, one that could only be relieved if he found Jun Ho and saw him read Kyungsoo’s written words.
He was so intent on this thought process, directed in his mission, that at first, he didn’t notice the way his classmates stared at him, how whispers seemed to sound out wherever he went. And when he finally did recognise how animated the students around him appeared, much the same as they always were when a new bit of gossip had sprung up for them to talk about, he only smiled to himself. He wondered absentmindedly about what rumour was being spread now, but he didn’t stop to find out. He didn’t notice the way more and more faces, of students he didn’t even recognise or know, seemed to be facing him as he wandered through the school.
In the corridor outside his form-room he spotted Blake and Jae Hyun in the crowd and halted in his journey to approach them.
“Hey guys, what’s up?” he asked distractedly - not looking their way, but instead at the plethora of bobbing student heads for Jun Ho in the crowd.
And even then Kyungsoo only really recognised that something was wrong with the day when he looked to both his friends after their prolonged silence and saw their expressions.
His two close friends of a couple of years or so, ever since he started at that school, were looking at him as if they’d never seen him before. Their expressions were tight, and their forms looked stiff and closed off, like how strangers appeared to one another when they had their guard up.
Kyungsoo’s heart started pounding in his ears, and he knew instantly that something was terribly wrong. “Guys?” He tried again, weakly.
Jae Hyun was the one who said it forthright. “Kyungsoo… are you gay?”
And just like that, the course of Kyungsoo’s life changed.
His heart, in his throat from nerves, suddenly dropped right down to his abdomen. His breathing halted and his body stiffened. And his face, uncontrolled, must’ve given it all away if the way both his friends eyebrows raised then was anything to go by.
“, so it’s all true?” Blake’s expression twisted, and it became the first time Kyungsoo saw someone look uncomfortable around him.
“I… really thought it wouldn’t be true.” This came from Jae Hyun, who wasn’t even looking at Kyungsoo anymore, but at the ground.
Kyungsoo’s mind was racing at a hundred miles per hour. Everything around him seemed suddenly difficult to process, like his brain had lost synchronicity with his body. When he looks back at this now, he still cannot pinpoint all that he had been thinking and feeling, all that had struck him in that moment where he’d realised his school life was altered beyond his control.
The singular thought process that peaked through in this was a clarity - that there was only one real way this could have gotten out, from only one person.
“I- I have to go.” Kyungsoo mumbled as the realisation set in, not lingering for a response.
He continued with his original mission, peering blankly around for Jun-Ho’s face among the crowd, only this time he also saw the way shrewd eyes and unintelligible whispers followed his every move. It was suddenly so hot that day, and his heart was racing wildly in his chest; he felt like he might pass out.
He didn’t know how long it took for him to find Jun-Ho, but when he did, he felt, unexpectedly, a jolt of hope. Jun Ho was there, looking much the same as he always did – gentle and beautiful and entirely out of reach -, and he would explain what had happened.
Except that dissipated almost immediately when Jun Ho’s head raised, and their eyes met and Kyungsoo found himself looking at the face of a boy he didn’t even remotely recognise. All the kindness in Jun Ho had disappeared, replaced instead by a coldness so severe it was almost frightening. Kyungsoo thought that those weeks had taught him so much about this boy, but the person before him today was entirely new to him: a stranger.
Kyungsoo was petrified, his heart trembling out beats in his chest when he finally stopped before Jun Ho, and though he was already now anticipating the worst, he gave the boy a chance to explain.
“Jun-Ho, what- what’s happening?”
Even with the expectation, Kyungsoo’s heart shattered seeing the coldness in Jun Ho’s expression exemplify, his next words spoken with a make of ferocity that stunned him. “You know what is happening. You did this.”
“I-did what?” Kyungsoo implored, suddenly desperate to unearth the old Jun Ho, the Jun Ho he had been ever-so-slowly growing feelings for over these past days and weeks. “Yesterday you-“
“What? Yesterday? When you tried to throw yourself at me? Are you serious?” Jun Ho interjected, his expression twisting into a cruel sneer. Kyungsoo flinched; he felt like this was a nightmare.
“I don’t-I don’t understand-“ he stuttered, eyes wide, unable to stop the tears that filled them.
Something about this image made Jun-Ho’s expression twist, and he suddenly stepped close. “Come on Kyungsoo, how stupid can you be?” he prodded, something cruel, almost jeering to his tone, a harsh smile twisting his once-kind features. He leant in then, and this time he spoke quieter, just above a whisper, so that only Kyungsoo could hear him.
“For one, I can’t believe you thought I’d find you beautiful.”
Kyungsoo flinched like he’d been struck, hard, and it was these words that finally had the first tear spilling over his lashes and down his cheek. “I-I don’t understand, I thought…”
“You thought what Kyungsoo? You thought I was a , like you?”
This was what finally stole Kyungsoo’s voice; he felt like he’d been dunked in icy cold water. The jeer, the severity of it and etched into Jun-Ho’s expression, hit him like a slap in the face, and reverberated harshly through his skull.
This marked the first time Kyungsoo had ever been called a - ever been called any word used as an insult for gay people. It made sense of course that this would be something he would eventually encounter in his life, that in this imperfect world it was inevitable, but nothing could have prepared him for it, and nothing could have prepared him for who it came from.
Unable to stand there a second longer, Kyungsoo mustered up his last shred of strength and turned to run. With tears in his eyes, partially unable to see, he wove his way through the crowd of students in the hallways, thankful that they seemed to part ways for him. It was only when he had reached the end of the corridor, just a couple of metres from escaping Jun Ho’s eyeline, that he felt himself fall forward. He didn’t even have enough time to catch himself, so he hit the ground hard – harder than he ever remembers hitting the ground before -, and he found himself lying face down, in pain, against the cold linoleum floor.
Worse than the fall was the litany of laughter that sounded out in the hallway, Jun Ho’s high and mirth-filled and entirely unkind. Kyungsoo peered up, eyes locked to three pairs of feet stood before him, and something registered in his head that he had been tripped. Warily, crying hard enough that he had to wipe away some of the tears to even see properly, he looked further up, and met eyes with the leader for the first time since he started at that school.
The leader guffawed, his two cronies mimicking the sound like cold songbirds on either side of him.
Kyungsoo didn’t know it then, but this was the start of the worst few years of his life.
Current day
“The story that he spread is that I’d been forcing myself on him.” Kyungsoo says to Jongin now. Jongin has stayed silent through his recount of events, only listening. His expressions have barely changed, though he has begun openly grimacing at every mention of Jun Ho’s name. “He played the whole ‘straight guy being corrupted by the gay guy’ thing extremely well.” Kyungsoo laughs, but its hollow and sounds wrong, so he stops himself short. “It was worse after he left school though.” He goes on, eyes drawing to the ground as he recalls that time. “The story went that he was so scarred from it all, so disgusted, that he had to leave. That I drove him away.” Kyungsoo’s lids fall shut, and he breathes deep from between his lips. “God, everyone hated me. Even people I thought were my friends.”
“Did you not try to clear things up?” This is the first question Jongin asks, and it startles Kyungsoo; he’d almost forgotten that Jongin was there, that he was telling this story for someone to hear. He looks at Jongin now, frowning at his words, so Jongin elaborates. “I mean, did you ever try to tell them what really happened?”
“Oh,” Kyungsoo frowns. “I did, yeah. With my friends, at first. And I guess, well when they didn’t believe me, I just… didn’t really see the point?” He smiles, but there’s no happiness to it. “At the time, there’s were the only opinions I cared about, anyway.”
Retelling the story is more painful than Kyungsoo had expected it to be, even after all these years. Jun-Ho had once been someone he’d really cared for. When Kyungsoo had looked his way, the hearts in his eyes must have clouded his vision. He saw charismatic smiles, enticing, jet black eyes, and a softness which made his heart melt. Had he seen it all wrong? Had he been watching the boy with rose-tinted glasses, not seeing anything real at all?
“I’ve always been so confused by it,” Kyungsoo admits, surprised by how small his voice sounds. “Like, how I could misread all the signs? Or… maybe Jun-Ho was just really good at faking it?” Kyungsoo shakes his head, eyes falling shut. He exhales long and slow. “I don’t know if I’ll ever know…”
He opens his eyes again, looking Jongin’s way, and he’s inexplicably touched by the mirrored pain in his boyfriend’s face. He lasts remembers it in the hospital, with Eun-Seo, but whilst he had hated seeing it then, he feels his heart warm from it now. “Sometimes I see my pain in your eyes” – Kyungsoo remembers those words, a sigh of love he’d written in a song a long, long time ago. Kyungsoo isn’t used to it, to being looked at with so much indubitable love that people would be blind to mistake it for anything else.
“I think that’s why I was so cautious with everything between us,” Kyungsoo admits softly. “I wasn’t sure that I was reading anything right, even when it might’ve seemed obvious. I thought things were obvious four years ago too, and I was wrong. It’s different now though; it was hard to trust signs from you in the beginning, but I believe them better now…”
Jongin smiles and shakes his head: you don’t have to explain this to me, Soo.
It’s becoming so easy for Kyungsoo to read him, to hear the words he doesn’t speak aloud. People say that when you date someone, you learn one another so deeply that it’s as if you create your own language: Kyungsoo never understood the truth to the comparison until Jongin. Their language is easy, filled with only gentle words and looks.
“Honestly, I wasn’t expecting that today, though.” Kyungsoo goes on, thinking back to Jun-Ho and Chin-Ho’s very public exchange. “I- I didn’t even know he was gay.”
“What?” Jongin questions.
Kyungsoo thinks back to his confrontation with Jun-Ho, to the harsh words that had been spat at his face four years ago. It feels like a distant dream, a nightmare. Even then, it hadn’t felt real. “Well, I just believed that it had all been fake.” Kyungsoo tilts his head down, his eyes falling shut. In that moment, it feels as if the events of the day finally weigh down on him, all at once.
He hasn’t felt this unsure and confused about his own feelings like this in years. It was easily rectifiable in the past; music was his outlet, his form of expression when his thoughts were too difficult to understand. Now though, even though he’s rediscovering his love for the art he once lost, lyrics fail him. His mind is soundless, not a single melody or tune pushing its way through. He doesn’t even know where to begin with processing this all.
“Honestly, I’m more confused now than ever,” he speaks aloud, eyes reopening. He pauses a moment, registering something new as he looks Jongin’s way.
“I… never told another person all that before,” Kyungsoo breathes the words like he’s sharing a secret, voice hushed, intimate. Something about that feels overwhelming in ways he can’t put into words, and it must show in his face for Jongin reaches out to him, taking a gentle hold of his hand. He ducks his head to meet Kyungsoo downturned gaze.
“Thanks for telling me, Soo,” Jongin thanks him in the same voice he used after hearing Kyungsoo sing to him. In a way, telling this story felt more daunting than that, as if Kyungsoo had been holding his breath and keeping this secret since it happened four years ago. The relief of speaking it aloud hits him then. It feels like moving on from this terrible thing that happened to him is more possible now than it‘s ever been before.
Jongin’s fingertips press into Kyungsoo’s palm, a massage. “Hey,” Jongin’s fingers start dancing circles into Kyungsoo’s skin, and Kyungsoo’s gaze draws up to him. “Maybe the whole thing was a joke, or maybe he did like you, and he meant what he said to you, but he chickened out and got scared when people saw you together…” Jongin hesitates, his eyes so soft and warm. “Do you think it would make you feel differently about him if you knew which one it was?” Jongin implores gently.
Kyungsoo considers this for a long, long time. He thinks about what his life might have been like if he hadn’t been outed, what it might have been like if Jun-Ho’s confession had been real. He thinks too of his life now, of all he has been through and all that has led him to the point he’s at today and realises with a start that he’s glad for it all – the outing, the lies, the bullying - if changing even a moment of it would’ve changed today, where he is now.
“No,” he agrees after a moment. “It doesn’t change anything. It’s already happened, and I wouldn’t forgive him either way, so.”
Jongin smiles, and, after a short hesitation-
“I’m sorry this happened to you, Soo.”
Kyungsoo’s lips part, and a slow breath peels between them. It hurts, like physical pain, hearing Jongin apologise for him. An apology is the only response left when things happen that are too hard, too impossible to navigate. Hearing it from Jongin is a make of hurt Kyungsoo hasn’t experienced in a long while, and tears prick at the back of his eyes without help.
Soundlessly, Jongin reaches out. His warm hands cup Kyungsoo’s chin, turning him gently, ever-so-gently, to look his way. Kyungsooo does, and it strikes him then and there that he would go anywhere Jongin wanted him to go if only he asked. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here earlier.” Jongin’s voice is like an embrace, more intimate than the fingers resting on Kyungsoo’s chin. “I’m sorry…”
Kyungsoo kisses him.
He presses his lips to Jongin’s like a sigh – long and hushed and warm. Jongin melts into it with such comfort that it makes Kyungsoo marvel once more about how easy this has all been between them, like they were made for this.
When he pulls back, Jongin’s eyes are also wet, the tears teasing there, shining in the hues of the last dregs of daylight.
Kyungsoo laughs a short, barely-there laugh. He reaches out, and his fingertips hover at the corners of Jongin’s eyes. “You don’t have to cry for me.” For it looks like Jongin could.
Jongin’s hands curl over Kyungsoo’s own, and he guides them over his mouth to press a kiss into the centre of his palms. Kyungsoo has never been handled with such care, such reverence. He feels like he can’t breathe; it’s so overwhelming. He lets his breath stutter out, and relaxes his hands in Jongin’s grip, wondering when he last felt so safe.
The next hour or so passes by in a haze of warmth and touches and kisses. Kyungsoo is glad Jongin is zoned in enough to notice the time, and prod them to leave for the support group session.
They walk together now, a comfortable silence settling between them, the only sound their footsteps moving in tandem against the pavement. With spring approaching it’s still light out, but ribbons of russet red and fire orange peel through the sky, a tease of the setting sun. This has always been Kyungsoo’s favourite time of day, the prolonged and strange heavy hush that hangs over the country before dusk finally comes. He can’t remember how many times he’s sat in his back garden at this time, sketching new lyrics into music sheets as the sky around him transforms. His thoughts were always clearer at this time, his creativity always more strife, and he could feel that even now.
“You know,” he starts, Jongin immediately turning to look at him from his periphery. “The support group is great, of course, but… I don’t know how much I go there for support anymore?” He realises.
Jongin’s fingers skim against the tips of Kyungsoo’s own, a barely-there, momentary touch. “What do you mean?” His voice is warm, curious.
“Well, I was just thinking that if this had happened to me a few months ago, it… would’ve ed me up,” Kyungsoo laughs tonelessly. “I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. But I just… I feel fine,” he finishes lamely, unable to explain further. “I just… I really feel fine. And I think that that is because of the support group, but it’s also because of you. Knowing you. Having you.”
A smile plays on Jongin’s lips. “Having me?” He teases, and Kyungsoo laughs.
“You know what I mean,” he admonishes gently. “But I just… I guess I wanted to say thank you. For helping me.”
This time when Jongin’s fingers touch his own, he holds the grip there, partially-hidden in the sleeves of their school blazer.
“Honestly Soo, it was all you. Like, of course the group must’ve helped you to talk things out, but you’re the one who actually implemented what Yixing taught us. You’re the one who found it in yourself to forgive Chin-Ho. You’re also the one who saw the guy who outed you, and tried to understand him before anything else. I think you’re strong because you chose to be, Soo.” Jongin finishes, leaning in so that their shoulders bump together. “And realising that… well, people do bad things for their own rather than anything to do with you. It’s never been your fault, Soo, and it never will be.”
Kyungsoo smiles at the words, squeezing Jongin’s hand between his own.
“I’m proud of you, Soo,” Jongin croons then. “I always knew you were this strong person, and now so many others can see it too.” Jongin’s lips pull up into a smile so devastating and true then that Kyungsoo wonders how he’d ever questioned the boys feelings for him. “And you’re so beautiful for it.”
After a short pause, Kyungsoo smiles back. The auburn hue of sunset kisses against Jongin’s cheeks, warmth emanating from his words and person. Kyungsoo wants to do something foolish, like kiss that cheek, and, with a quick glance around himself, he does.
Jongin looks startled at the move, but not in a bad way, and suddenly there’s red in those cheeks too - like Jongin’s very own sunset blooming into his skin.
I love you, Kyungsoo thinks.
After a short pause-
“I love you,” Kyungsoo says it as easily as breath, heart tremulous in his chest in spite of himself. For a second, he frets over the words, over Jongin’s response to them so early-on in their relationship. But Jongin doesn’t let him wait long, for his smile then is too big for it to mean anything else, too full of joy, and Kyungsoo knows before he says it.
“Of course, I love you too.”
This has always been Kyungsoo’s favourite time of day.
A/N
Long time no speaking my lovelies.
I’m sorry for the long wait. I hope this chapter brought you some happiness for those who are still reading.
I have not been very active with this story, and for that I am sorry. Life really does get busier the older you get. I started this story 8 years ago now, all of which (bar one) I have been at school or full-time studying. Balancing this story with my studies became difficult.
But recently I realised my studies weren’t guiding me to my life’s dream - which is to write. I have always, always wanted to write, to become an author, to have my work be enjoyed by people. Starting this fic was my first taste of that, and I loved the feeling. I remember clearly how happy I would feel when I would update, and then when I would get notifications from you guys, commenting on each chapter, becoming enraptured by the story and waiting for updates. I wrote this story because I loved it, and I loved that you guys loved it too. I miss that feeling.
To respect the feelings this fic gave me in my first years of writing consistently, I want to finish it – I must finish it. I’ll finish it for you guys of course, but I’ll finish it for me too, to have this thing that has been in my life for so many years now, be complete. My love for reading and writing was never gone, just dormant, and recently reignited - I hope now I can finish this fic for you guys in the coming weeks and say a happy goodbye to this story that showed me a happiness I did not think possible for me.
Sorry for the ramble.
Love you always
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