7. FOR KYUNGSOO

---

(I am so sorry.)

 

 

Taemin does walk Kyungsoo home, and it feels weird - especially when they finally reach Kyungsoo's front porch and he is struck with the realisation that he hasn't had someone from school around his house in four whole years time. He hadn't thought of it before, but now he's noticed, he can't shake the thought away.

"So..." Taemin says as they slow to a stop. They have engaged in light conversation during the journey, on and off, but Kyungsoo is in the dark about the logistics of sociability after years of not having put it into practice, and he can't think of something to say back. 

"So." He echoes, tilting his head back to meet Taemin's gaze. 

Taemin's lips quirk up at the movement, and Kyungsoo is instantly embarrassed, his face blanching and eyes falling to the ground.

"I, uhh." He breathes out, mind reeling with thoughts of how much he will cringe about this later. "I mean thanks..." He gets out, ducking his head and peeking up at Taemin through his fringe, somewhat mortified to see how the taller boy is smiling even more. He his lips, deciding to keep his head down. "For- umm..." He says, voice quiet. "For walking me home..."

He sneaks a look up at Taemin and the boy's lips are turned up in the corners, eyes forming crescents and expression bright at Kyungsoo's awkward stuttering.

"That's okay," he says, smile widening even further. "It was my pleasure."

Kyungsoo's almost a hundred percent sure in that moment that Taemin just said that to see his reaction, but he still chokes a little on his own spit and blanches so hard his face could probably blend into his front door. He doesn't really know what to say back, so he just sort of stops for a second, wide-eyed, and nods his head - lower lip quivering from embarrassment.

"Can I..." Taemin starts unsurely, scratching at the back of his nape in an endearing way. "I mean, can I come back tomorrow, and walk you to school?"

Kyungsoo blinks up at him, hands tightening around his crutches when he turns the preposition over in his mind. 

His heart races for a moment, thumping hard in his chest, and a deeper shade of red spreads into his cheeks, filling them in. 

But then he remembers the real reason why this conversation is even happening, and why Taemin had even walked him home in the first pace, and he ducks his head - nose scrunching slightly.

Not for his company, he reminds himself; corrects it in his head. For his safety.

"That's-" Kyungsoo starts, words ebbing out when he lets out a shaky breath. "That's okay," he says, looking back up. "My sister drops me off in the mornings ever since-"

He stops talking, gulping back the rest of the sentence. 

"Okay," Taemin says - tone thoughtful. "Well, maybe some other time then?"

Kyungsoo hums per-automatic, but he doesn't say yes or no, and if Taemin notices he doesn't show it. He must, however, realise the conversation is practically over, because he shuffles where he stands and moves back a step.

"So, I guess I'll see you tomorrow," Taemin says, walking backwards down the path which leads to Kyungsoo's house, "at school."

Kyungsoo nods his agreement, and Taemin grants him one last smile before turning away with a "See you, Soo!" thrown over his shoulder, and a waving hand. 

The nickname washes over Kyungsoo like ice cold water. It's so painstakingly casual, so friendly - a reflexive clip of his name. It sounds weird and alien and something twists in his stomach when he repeats it in his head.

Kyungsoo doesn't wait to see Taemin go.

---

"Kyungsoo?" His sister calls out a minute after he's come in, probably hearing the unrestrained clatter he's making in the kitchen.

"Actually, no, it's a robber who just happens to have our front door keys," Kyungsoo says back, settling down onto the kitchen table with a small trifle pot in hand (he's not even hungry, but the walk home has made him somewhat hysterical, is his excuse).

"Kyungsoo," his sister repeats, voice closer than before and unfazed by the sarcasm. 

In the next second Eun-seo's face pops around the kitchen door and she steps inside, her eyes turning stern for each step she takes closer.

"Hey!" she says, tone serious. "You walked home? I told you not to do that! Why didn't you call me?!"

Kyungsoo's expression barely even twitches, and instead he lets out a long sigh, shaking his head as he peels off the cling film on the top of the pot and dips his spoon in.

"Eun-seo, I'm fine," he says, answering the question unasked, but the one clear from her worried, furrowed brows and the red tinge to her bitten lips.

"So? You might not have been!" She exclaims, brows furrowing. "You can't walk home alone when you're in crutches Kyungsoo, you just-"

"I wasn't alone," Kyungsoo cuts in, plopping a dollop of whipped cream and strawberry jelly into his mouth.

Eun-seo's words die out at this, and her expression transforms into one of confusion. "You weren't alone?"

Kyungsoo nods his head in the affirmative and speaks around a mouthful of custard, "I walked with a... friend?" He finishes off unsurely, questioning the label. 

Another, longer silence falls, and Kyungsoo looks up, mouth clamped around the spoon in his mouth, to see his sister sending him a wary look. 

"What?" He asks, word slurred around the sweet delight in his mouth.

Eun-seo's expression turns stern, and her lips thin, eyes bulging as if she is trying to analyse a situation. 

"By 'friend', you don't mean..?"

"No, I do not mean the boy who beat me up."

She visibly relaxes, her expression turning less guarded and then transforming entirely - lips quirking up and brows raising in question.

"So..." She enunciates, and Kyungsoo startles when he immediately thinks of Taemin - saying that word in that exact same way only minutes before. He shakes his head to rid himself of the thought, cursing the heat spreading to the tips of his ears when he focuses again on what Eun-seo is saying.

"A 'friend'?" She repeats when they meet gazes, her tone unreadable.

Kyungsoo loses his train of thought and blinks up at her, trying to gauge the peculiar expression on her face.

"A guy friend?" She asks then, and the suggestive inkling to her voice makes Kyungsoo blush right down to his ears, and has him averting his gaze immediately.

Eun-seo looks positively gleeful when she leans in closer, eyes trained on Kyungsoo's flustered expression.

"Who. Is. He?" She coos, mouth pulling up into a -eating grin.

Kyungsoo nibbles at his bottom lip, cursing the heat in his cheeks. "It's not like that!" He says, eyes wider than usual.

Eun-seo laughs again, moving back. "Our little Soo has a crush!" She chirps, her smile so wide that Kyungsoo could probably count all of her teeth.

Kyungsoo is absolutely mortified, and sets his empty trifle pot aside so he can cover his face with his hands, mumbling through his fingers a, "ohmygod, please stop."

Eun-seo doesn't let up though, and instead starts prancing merrily around the kitchen yelling out how her baby brother's in love and turning to him every now and then to ask for details about the wedding.

Kyungsoo smashes his head against the kitchen surface and groans. 

---

"Hey," Eun-seo speaks up a little while later. They're still in the kitchen, though Kyungsoo has finished eating a long time ago, and he is somewhat embarrassed about the earlier conversation, and is on guard when he looks up and meets his sister's gaze. 

"How was school?" She asks, taking a seat opposite him and leaning forwards to rest her elbows on the kitchen surface.

Kyungsoo is caught off guard by the question, even though it is one that Eun-seo asks him everyday. He shuffles in his seat, not looking her in the eyes when he shrugs. "It was okay."

Eun-seo looks at him thoughtfully, and he looks back, trying to read her expression. 

"Did anything happen?" She asks after a long moment, her gaze sharper than before - more intense.

Kyungsoo jolts at the stare, suddenly nervous, and brings his hands up to wring them together.

"Errr, I-". He stops - clears his throat. "It's - err - no. Nothing much happened. Why do you ask?"

Eun-seo looks at him for a long moment, and the look is so damn unnerving, her big, deep brown eyes  boring into him as if he is a puzzle she's trying to work out, a challenge to be solved.

"Kyungsoo," she says eventually, voice soft but heavy. "You have to start telling me the truth again."

Kyungsoo stops, shoulders hunching up. He doesn't really know why, but that statement does something to him. It isn't spoken with an accusatory tone, and no real resentment shows through, but Kyungsoo can hear the silent plea in his sister's voice and it sticks in his head. He realises, suddenly, that he has been unfair. His sister has always been in the loop, and he has no right to change that. 

"Eun-seo..." He says, name drawn out on his tongue and heavy with guilt. 

"The school phoned," she goes on, now moving around the counter and bustling with some kitchen pots she has laid out. 

Kyungsoo's eyes go wide and his lips part, heart thumping hard in his chest. His sister turns back his way and he blanches, ducking his head and staring holes into the surface before him. 

"You're lucky that I picked up, and not mum or dad," she goes on, leaning back against the counter opposite.

Kyungsoo his lips, eyes darting everywhere but at her face. "Oh," he says as the only thing, voice shuddery and quiet.

"Oh." Eun-seo agrees, turning back to the stove and switching a fire on.

She doesn't say anything else on the matter - no. Instead, she asks - holding two noodle packets in her hands - "Chicken, or vegetable?". 

Chicken, or vegetable.

Kyungsoo stops a second, and his head swarms with a flurry of emotion so abrupt that his head spins.

He knows what this means - what this always means. It's their secret signal: taking out the noodles.

It means, let's talk this through, because we have to, even if you might not want to. Let's binge-eat disgusting but delicious food until we feel we might combust, and let's talk this through. 

He's sad right now, mad too, and today has been one of those days where smiling has been just that little bit harder, and he has felt like his situation might never have the leeway to improve. 

At the end of the day though, he always has his sister, the only light in his life to gift him a presence in the darkness which has, in recent days, never felt darker, and though the circumstances aren't easy, and it's often hard to keep going, it is more than enough.

Kyungsoo nods towards the chicken.

---

"Was it a good book?" She asks when they're eating, blowing on a forkful of noodles.

"Couldn't put it down," Kyungsoo responds around a mouthful of food.

Eun-seo is quiet a second, and then she says, "let's buy another copy after school tomorrow."

Kyungsoo hugs her so suddenly that they nearly tumble off their chairs.

---

A few hours later - when Kyungsoo is laying around on his bed, after having done all of his homework - he remembers the group.

He'd completely forgot about it, what with all of the day's events, but he still, instinctively, takes a look at the time, even though it is nearing nine o' clock now and he knows he is far too late.

It catches himself off guard - that small, inconsequential glance at his clock. 

It's almost as if he's already factored the support group into his daily routine.

And that scares him.

It isn't that he doesn't like going there, because he thinks, in a strange way, that he does; it's comforting to know that there are other people somewhat similar to himself, and that he isn't alone.

What is scaring him though, is the idea of baring himself to all these people - putting his emotions on display to be analysed and sympathised with. He realises that he'll have to, even if slowly, become more open about things as such if he ever really wants to beat his bullies, but it doesn't make it any less hard.

It doesn't make it any less hard. 

 

---

 

Sometime during school the next day, Kyungsoo notices that something is off.

He's sat in the canteen today rather than the courtyard, what with how his crutches don't walk easily over the pebbled slabs of stone which pave the area where he usually eats, and, because he is alone, he wastes away time by looking about his surroundings. 

From the leader's absence a week back, he's grown quite accustomed to how things work. The various friend groups are still quite clearly separated and chatter stays within these, but there is one friend group which he spies almost instantly, and notices something wrong about.

There, on the other side of the hall, at the table second closest to the canteen food without the disadvantage of the tens of bustling students searching for places to sit, is where the dancers reside.

They are one of the more popular groups of people due to how the members are known for their sculpted bodies and generally good looks and the school specialises in performing arts anyhow, putting them centre stage. Within it, Kyungsoo never fails to see Taemin and Jongin sat together, laughing at something or another in an unrestrained way that just displays their tight-knit bond.

Kyungsoo remembers thinking once that, in the future, if he was lucky enough to build even half as strong a bond as Taemin and Jongin had with anyone, he would be happy. 

Today though, at this moment, Kyungsoo can see something has changed.

He reckons many other people would overlook it or simply ignore it to keep things neutral, but Kyungsoo has been sat here for almost ten minutes now and he hasn't heard a single real laugh from - or seen a single genuine smile on - either of them.

They're still talking, forcing conversation to keep up appearances, but it's inexplicably unnerving to watch.

Kyungsoo wonders what happened to make them like this. 

---

The school day passes by a lot more quickly than usual, like a film set on fast forward - everything a blur.

When Kyungsoo hears the final bell ring, it makes him jolt in his seat. He hasn't been listening; no one has prodded him to do so, and, as with anyone who is in their own world, he loses track of time.

People start bustling about around him, packing away their things and calling out to each other in boisterous voices, and he slowly struggles with his crutches, not expecting help.

The worst thing about having to wear a cast, Kyungsoo thinks, is how much longer everything takes. In normal time he would have shovelled all of his books into his bags in less than a minute, but it takes him much longer now, and it gives someone more of a chance to corner him before class ends.

When someone steps up to his desk today, he isn't surprised. He recognises the shadow immediately, and with a withdrawn sigh, he tilts his head up to meet the gaze boring into his skull.

Instead of words today, a hand reaches out for his bag, and Kyungsoo stills - his whole body tensing.

"Let's go together," the leader sings, fingers twitching out. 

Kyungsoo stares at the hand hovering expectant in the air. 

It isn't a request, and he knows that.

He hesitates, but after a moment he hands it over, watching the leader who immediately shoulders it and starts to walk off.

He doesn't often do this, but it's isn't unheard of: this disguised form of torture. It is something he does in a boast of power, as if to say 'I can control you, in front of everyone, and they won't do anything.'

"Are you coming?" The boy asks, smiling again. 

He has this mocking glint in his eyes, and Kyungsoo can usually handle it - he can. He feels that he can cope with things well. He isn't unused to these situations, and he hasn't not already seen it all before. 

But right now, with all that has happened, and all that has changed, he cannot find it in himself to keep eye contact - to play along as if everything is okay; like the leader has made him do so many times before.

"Well..." he starts, shutting his mouth after and clearing his throat. "I mean..." he tries, and hesitates. 

He looks up, and the leader's facade has slipped just slightly. The sweetly turned lips have pulled down into a straight line. The questioning eyes have turned sharp, and are glinting in a dangerous way. His whole countenance has transformed, and, for a second, Kyungsoo forgets what he has been saying.

But then the leader repeats it. That, "Are. You. Coming?", and his tone isn't hidden now; it's low and threatening and distinct and everything which Kyungsoo has feared in the past but worse.

Kyungsoo has heard the leader say harsher things, and has been victim to far more brutal forms of abuse, but he has never felt more threatened then he does now - by this boy who wants to walk with him to the principal's office, to carry his bag for him; to twist a good deed into something frightening.

"I..." Kyungsoo wheezes out, voice shuddery and eyes down-turned -

He doesn't know what he's doing, he doesn't know why either, but -

"I don't understand..." he breathes out, eyes wet when he glances up - a resolve in his tone he did not know he had. He huddles into himself, sniffing loudly and trying to stop the welling in his eyes to speak again. 

"I don't understand why you do this." He finally gets out, bringing his hands up to rub against his eyes in as discreet a manner as he can muster.

"I mean..." He goes on, gulping heavily. "Why do you even care?" Kyungsoo asks then, finally looking up to see the leader by the door, and, when he drags his gaze down, how the boy's hands are taut against the straps of Kyungsoo's bag. 

"How does it even effect you?" Kyungsoo questions, genuinely curious now, but with something harsh building in his tone. 

The leader, for a moment which passes so fast Kyungsoo questions whether he'd even seen it, looks like he's about to slip up, and Kyungsoo holds his breath.

But in the next second the boy's expression has turned angry, and Kyungsoo hates how quickly he shrinks into himself, backing down.

"You're acting very dangerously in recent days," the leader speaks slowly, stepping back to loom over Kyungsoo. "It's almost like you think you're better than me."

Kyungsoo his lips, heartbeat fast and grip tight around his crutches. "I-I didn't mean that-" he mumbles, lower lip quivering, but the leader suddenly shoots a hand forwards, gripping harshly at Kyungsoo's collar and cutting off his words.

"I don't care what you meant, you ," the leader practically growls, face close to Kyungsoo's. "You should know your place by now."

The words run through Kyungsoo like an electric current, and something, suddenly, clicks in his mind.

"What?" Kyungsoo asks, voice quiet and eyes wide.

The leader looks disgruntled, and his grip around Kyungsoo's collar tightens a little so he can drag him closer, a low growl sounding in his throat.

"I said," the leader nearly spits, "you should know your place by-"

"I heard what you said," Kyungsoo assures hurriedly, gulping so hard that the leaders knuckles graze against his Adam's Apple. "It's just I... Well I've never understood before but- I think, I... I know what you're doing." 

And really, truly, he does.

Because right now he is being reminded of who has the power in this, and it strikes him hard - not because it's true, but more because Kyungsoo, for the first time ever, is doubting it's truth. 

Because this, this moment here, where the bully must reinforce his strength, is an act of a weak man.

And the leader must realise something, somehow, has changed, because he cringes back so quickly and suddenly that Kyungsoo is propelled back from the movement, and has to stop himself from falling.

The leader looks aghast by what has happened, must've seen the loss of fear in Kyungsoo's eyes and the gain of understanding, because he is just silent for a long moment, and all threats he had shown before are completely gone.

Kyungsoo is silent too, unsure of how to react or if a reaction is even called for -

And the seconds drag on with their eyes locked together hard, as if time has frozen.

It must be only half a minute, it can't realistically have been more because the clock behind the leader's head has barely even moved, but the leader is the first to snap out of it - and he looks unnerved.

"Are you coming?" He repeats again, voice curt and clipped and so entirely lacking of ferocity that Kyungsoo doesn't even flinch -

But he understands instead, and he gets that the leader needs reassurance after having shown a little vulnerability.

And it's the first time ever that Kyungsoo says "yes," without feeling like he doesn't have a choice.

---

When they arrive at the principal's office, everyone else is already there.

Kyungsoo watches how Taemin's eyes bulge at seeing them walk in together, but he doesn't have enough time to question it, and Kyungsoo doesn't make to explain.

They're told that the detention will last two hours - "with the leeway to be extended if slacking occurs", the principal slots in, tone stern. It's a pretty simple task, though a tedious one and somewhat unpleasant one - to scrape away the gum from the backs of the desks. 

"There are three classrooms that have to be done for now, so you'll be paired up." The principal says, looking at the six of them in turn. "You two," he points to the leader and then to Taemin, "together. Everyone else can decide themselves."

Taemin and the leader immediately wear matching, disgruntled expressions and glare over at each other, but neither dispute with the man. 

Kyungsoo only has to look around once before meeting Jongin's small smile and sagging with relief. He may think the leaders cronies to be more of a joke than a scare, but being alone with either one of them is a situation he would never want to find himself in. 

"Follow me then," the principal says, tone stern and loud.

Kyungsoo glances over at the clock once, just before he leaves, and sighs.

---

There is silence in the room, the sound of dried gum being torn from the backs of desks as the only thing. 

Kyungsoo and Jongin have been left alone to work, and it's only been a few minutes, but Kyungsoo feels as if he should say something now.

He nibbles unsurely at his bottom lip and opens his mouth once or twice as if to speak-

But ends up closing it again and shaking his head as if he'd been trying something stupid.

Kyungsoo isn't the sociable type. Even when he had friends to speak to, it took him a while to become comfortable enough with them to not have to think about what to say in a conversation. It's one of the many reasons why he had been so reluctant to go to the support group, and why (apart from the obvious) making friends has become so hard.

Yesterday, when Eun-seo had asked who Taemin was to him, friend hadn't felt right to say. It's a word he hasn't used as a label in years, and to say it aloud is a peculiar thing. 

Much more than that though, he doesn't think the classification is fitting. They have barely known each other for a day, and, even then, they don't really know each other. Most of the knowledge he has about the boy is from what he has picked up himself, or observed from a distance. They can barely be called acquaintances, let alone close.

Moreover, this 'friendship' is entirely derived from sympathy and nothing more. Being pitied is the last thing Kyungsoo wants, and he sees no other reason why the boy would even want to be his friend except to protect him.

With Jongin too, he wonders if the situation is the same. He wants to ask, to seek the clarification that he needs to have sound mind, but he at least knows that a conversation should never start with, "hey, do you only want to be friends with me because you think I might get beaten to death otherwise?"

He also, hopelessly, wants to say thank you - just as he'd granted Taemin the day before. He has never been helped before, and he isn't yet sure if he really likes the idea of needing the support, but he does know that he feels grateful about it - whatever it was - and he is glad that he had not been alone at the time where he had been weakest. 

Kyungsoo wonders now, once more, how he should breach such a conversation, and he steals a glance to the side -

Where Jongin is scraping at the gum on his own desk with concentrated eyes. 

Jongin, Kyungsoo thinks, is more handsome than Taemin. He doesn't know why he's even making the comparison, but, whilst Taemin has cute and boyish looks, Jongin is far more brooding - all hard lines and sly smirks. 

He's somewhat more comfortable with Taemin, but he feels as if Jongin is far more interesting - a closed book just too far out of reach to be read. Just from his side profile now, he can't even begin to work out what the boy is thinking, and the sheer mystery of that has piqued Kyungsoo's interest much more than the forwardness of Lee Taemin ever will. 

The boy is simply like no one Kyungsoo has seen before, and he can't put his finger on why that is so. Sure, there are mysterious types dotted around the school, and handsome sorts too who garner just as much attention as Jongin seems to get with ease, but the difference is that Jongin (unlike the others) does not seem to be acting how he does due to a hidden agenda.

Where Kyungsoo closes in on himself for the watching eyes, and Taemin bubbles up in a show of confidence he might not always have, Jongin is clear cut and straightforward - no exaggeration, no toning down: just truth.

It isn't that he is uncaring of his status within the school forthright, because Kyungsoo believes, like everyone else, he is cautious of how he acts. But he is also confident enough in the way that he acts naturally to not have to change it, and it is something which Kyungsoo is enthralled by - how very assured and perfect this boy appears to be in the eye.

It makes Kyungsoo wonder what imperfection Kim Jongin isn't letting people know of.

"You can take a picture, if you'd like?" Jongin speaks from nowhere, startling Kyungsoo so much so that he stumbles back onto his .

"I-I-I-what?" Kyungsoo stutters out, crouching back into position. "I don't- um..."

But Jongin only turns to him and smiles wide, eyes shining in amusement and a low chuckle rumbling in his throat.

"I'm joking, Kyungsoo," he says somewhat softly.

"Right." Kyungsoo agrees, nodding his head. "Yeah, I knew that. Haha."

Jongin smile becomes wider, lips twisting at the side in an amused smirk. "Right." He repeats, eyes fixed on Kyungsoo's face.

Kyungsoo feels his ears go red and he wonders suddenly if Taemin and Jongin have made it their jobs to emotionally torment him too - even if it is just through a trio of smirks. 

It's not so much that they're both unfairly attractive (though that doesn't exactly help), but it's more that the way they say things always calls for a reaction, and Kyungsoo can't stop himself from turning red in his face or biting his lips from mortification when they or joke with him.

It's something friends do casually in every day life, except Kyungsoo hasn't had that in years and he doesn't know how to respond anymore. 

He remembers before how sarcastic he could be. He used to be the one that stood up for people with his quick insults and cutting remarks that could put any bully down, but he's lost that along the way and he hadn't even realised it was gone until now - these recent days where he hasn't been able to put the skill into practice. 

It occurs to him, in that moment, just how much his bullies have managed to take from him - from right under his nose.

"Why did he do that?" Jongin breaks the silence suddenly, his eyes gently imploring when Kyungsoo meets them.

Kyungsoo knows immediately who and what he is talking about, and Jongin, in return, doesn't bother specifying for him.

"He wanted to reassert his power," Kyungsoo says thoughtfully, after a long moment has passed. "He wanted to prove that he still has a hold over me - even if it is just by having temporary control of something that is originally mine. It's his way of showing that I'm still weaker than him, and that that won't change anytime soon."

The gum that Jongin has been trying to scrape away goes flying a metre behind them from how he has tensed and pressed down harsher than before, jaw setting from Kyungsoo's peripheral vision.

"And you let him?" Jongin asks, an incredulous tone to his voice.

Kyungsoo ploughs down into the corner of the desk, where a pile of dried gum is stuck, and all he says is, "yes. Of course I did."

"Kyungsoo-" Jongin disputes, tone distressed. "Why-" he starts, running a hand through his hair in frustration, and Kyungsoo watches him wide eyed. 

He doesn't know Jongin, and they have barely even spoken, but he can instantly tell that something is wrong.

"Jongin." He says, tone cautious and soothing. Jongin looks up and there is a fire in his eyes that Kyungsoo has never seen before. 

"Why would you let them do that?" He asks eventually, staring Kyungsoo dead in the eyes. "I thought before that you were scared, and I could understand that, but sometimes I look at you and you don't even seem affected - you just go along with it. You've always just went along with it, and I don't know why I never realised it before."

Kyungsoo averts his gaze at the words, feeling like he has been stung. He knows that the words are true, but to have them spoken aloud is a completely different thing. He has lost so many years of his life and he has been denying it for so long that having someone call him out for it, is like having someone set the harsh truth in stone.

"Kyungsoo," Jongin speaks again, his tone slightly softer. "Since when have you stopped caring?"

A silence falls after this, and Kyungsoo is still for a long while, staring at a clear spot on the desk with his fingers tense around the scraping tool.

"Since when have you started?" Kyungsoo asks eventually - what must be seconds, but what feels like minutes, having passed. 

"Kyungsoo," Jongin says, turning Kyungsoo's way. "I've always-" he starts, but he bites his tongue before he can finish, eyes falling shut.

Kyungsoo looks away.

 

---

 

Taemin comes into the room a little less than two hours later, his bag slung over his shoulder. 

"Detention finished five minutes ago," he announces before Kyungsoo can ask, and Kyungsoo is startled when he looks down to his watch and sees that it's true.

Jongin stands up beside him and starts to turn the desks back over immediately. It takes him a moment to realise what Jongin is doing, and struggle his way up to help.

"Wait, Kyungsoo," Taemin says, taking the desk he has just put in his hands. "I can do it."

Kyungsoo frowns and opens his mouth to dispute, but Jongin cuts in with a short, "let him," looking pointedly at his casted up leg as if daring him to fight back.

Kyungsoo sighs noisily, but he still waddles to the front of the classroom and scoops up his crutches, slotting his arms into them and walking towards the door.

Before he leaves though, he takes a look back into the classroom, and watches, intrigued, when they both reach for a desk, flinch at the contact, but tighten their grip around the legs there. 

"I can take it," Taemin says, tugging the desk back to try to shake away Jongin's grip.

"It's fine, I can," Jongin assures, pulling the desk back again with just as much force.

Kyungsoo his lips, glancing between the two. "Did I miss something?" He asks when neither speak again, darting his gaze back and forth. 

"No," they both say at once, looking over at each other for a short second longer before turning away again.

Kyungsoo squints his eyes at the two of them, feeling the tension in the air grow heavier in the silence, and he is struck dumb, suddenly, by how badly he wants to know what happened. 

He gulps heavily, and says, "okay."

And then he looks away, turns around, and crutches out of the door before he can ask anything else. 

 

---

 

When he reaches the principal's office, he's relieved to see that the leader and his friends must've already left, the only bags remaining being his own and Jongin's. 

He stops in his tracks though when he sees a black plastic bag tucked in the inside of his backpack straps which wasn't there before, and he crutches forwards, brows furrowing in confusion.

Leaning down, he scoops his bag off from the waiting room chair, tugging the straps away from the plain black bag and letting it fall flat on the chair's surface with a thump - whatever is in it, hard and heavy. 

He puts his backpack over his shoulder and then slowly, cautiously as if worried it might break, he wraps a hand around the bag and brings it forward, wondering whose it could be. 

His fingers skirt the rectangle shape hidden by the dark plastic, and he has to turn the bag over a couple of times before he finally spots the white label at the bottom corner of it, glaringly obvious against the palette of black.

Kyungsoo pulls the flap of the label aside curiously, and he startles when he sees what is written there - a concise, but clear as day:

For Kyungsoo - (I'm sorry)

He stops, huge eyes blinking rapidly at the message for a long moment, and is stunned into silence. 

A whole minute must pass though before he finally unwraps the bag, and sticks a blind hand into it -

Where he pulls out a book - the book.

Hardback edition. New condition. The book from the library, right in his hands, a copy with no owner but himself -

So utterly fresh and crisp and clean and untarnished that Kyungsoo can't even breathe for a full minute, his words lodged in his throat. 

It takes a while for logical thought to make its way back into Kyungsoo's mind, and he turns the book over in his hands, looking at the first pages and the cover carefully. He finds another For Kyungsoo, handwritten in the inside cover - but no From , and it would ordinarily irk him -

But instead he smiles, a huge, unrestrained heart-shaped smile he has hasn't worn in school in a long, long time, and he lets out a shaky, disbelieving laugh, grip on the book tightening as if afraid it might disappear.

"Kyungsoo?" 

The call of his name has him twisting around to the door, and when he meets eye with Jongin who is standing there, his smile grows tenfold, lighting up his entire face.

"Sorry, Um - yes?" he asks, lips quirking up as he plays with the weight of the book in his hand. 

Jongin doesn't answer straight away, but only stares at Kyungsoo - unspeaking. Kyungsoo has to call out his name two more times, his smile faltering slightly, before the boy finally responds.

"Just..." He says, gaze falling to the book in Kyungsoo's hands and resting there for a moment. "Taemin's waiting for you at the main entrance-"

"Taemin." Kyungsoo repeats suddenly. He stares down at the book in his hand and opens up the cover, gaze focused on the blank space below his name with a look of wonderment on his face. 

"Yes, Taemin." Jongin says, scratching at the nape of his neck. "What- hey?"

But Kyungsoo abruptly reels forward and past Jongin, clutches clacking loudly as he makes his way down the hall.

Taemin, he thinks, turning towards the main entrance of the building. Taemin, of course.

When he sees the boy lounging by the automatic doors, phone in hand, he speeds up per-automatic. Hearing the sound, Taemin looks up from his phone and grins broadly when he sees the boy approaching.

"Hey Kyungsoo, what's-"

"Thank you!" Kyungsoo practically yells, and then he clumsily clacks his way forwards and falls into Taemin, wrapping his arms around the boy's torso and mushing his smile against the boy's shirt.

Taemin verbally startles from the sudden weight, but his hands automatically fall to rest against Kyungsoo's back as Kyungsoo huddles even closer still, the book resting loosely in his hand.

Kyungsoo has never hugged someone taller than him before, someone bigger. He had outgrown Eun-Seo easily, the girl stopping at a little over five feet, and there is no one else he hugs. 

It feels nice, he can't help but think. 

"Kyungsoo-" Taemin starts once his thoughts have gathered, tone bewildered. "Why are- I mean, what are you thanking me for?"

Kyungsoo's smile slips just slightly with this question and he pulls back, Taemin's hands still around him when he brings the book up between them.

"For this?" He says, though his smile falters slightly when the boy looks confused, raising a questioning brow. "You- um... You gave me this?"

Yet he can already see that the taller doesn't know what's going on, and when Taemin's look remains blank, he pulls back so abruptly that he nearly stumbles - his cheeks flourishing with a brilliant red.

"Ah," he whispers, pressing a hand against his cheek. His lower lip starts quivering uncontrollably, and he sighs down at the ground, wishing something would swallow him whole.

Taemin, however, doesn't seem to be focusing on the hug, because he only takes a step forward and brings Kyungsoo's arm up to his eye level to look at the book more closely. 

"This is- the book that..?" Taemin questions, looking away from the cover to meet Kyungsoo's gaze.

Kyungsoo can only numbly nod his head, still too embarrassed to function properly. He watches Taemin's face scrunch up in thought, and then suddenly how the boy straightens up, looking around the hallway.

"I have to go," he says, expression unreadable as his head twists from side to side. "But, um, I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" He assures, already stepping away. 

He manages to grant one quick smile, and Kyungsoo gives a stuttered okay back, but then he's jogging down the hall and out of Kyungsoo's sight, his footsteps clattering and clattering until silence falls once more.

Kyungsoo stays still for a long time, frozen from what has just transpired.

And then he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath in, and suddenly starts slamming his head into the wall in front of him - a colourful string of profanities spilling from his lips and face hotter than it has ever felt in his entire life. 

 

---

 

A/N

I give you permission to hate me

SORRY THIS WAS SO LATE :’0

A bunch of stuff has been happening and I’ve had writer’s block and idek but when school restarts I will hopefully get into a better routine :D

 

So this update is a bit meh. I wrote more than usual if that makes up for anything (*hopeful smile*), but I hope you liked it anyway. Comment what you thought (I love reading your comments <3)

 

ALSO, I am in a very sad mood because it was Eun Bi’s first year death anniversary two days ago and it will be Risae’s in two days time, and Polaris Ent. released a tribute track for ‘I’m Fine Thank You’ and I’ve been listening to it on repeat and it would be really cool if everyone just took a moment to watch the video (I CRIED IN THE LAST 40 SECONDS) and understand why I am in a sad mood okay thanks I love you