31. CHANGING

Kyungsoo’s cheeks are flushed.

Though the group has now all managed to settle into their seats, he is sure that every gaze (bar Yixing and Suho’s, who haven’t seemed to notice the strange behaviour around them) is darting between himself and Jongin, squinted with clear suspicion. With Jongin still in his (extremely cute) sleepy state, it’s only Kyungsoo left squirming in his seat as Tao on his right and Baekhyun on his left bore holes into the sides of his face, asking him a thousand questions with their eyes alone.

“So,” Yixing starts, Kyungsoo breathing a short sigh of relief at the much-needed distraction, “in this session, I wanted to talk about something a bit more serious...” Yixing poses a little ominously, looking around them all at turn. “Honestly, it might get uncomfortable for some of you guys, so I don’t want you to think you have to be talking up or sharing in this session,” he goes on, “but it’s something I feel is very relevant, and something that will apply - or perhaps already has applied - to us all.” He finishes. The group’s restlessness over Kyungsoo and Jongin’s apparent situation seems, with those words, to lessen, with the gazes fixed Kyungsoo’s way instead turning to Yixing. Even Jongin, perhaps sensing the gravity of the atmosphere, seems to blink his bleary eyes open wider, sitting up more in his seat. Yixing most definitely seems to notice the change in everyone at just those introductory words, and he smiles a gentle smile at everyone now paying him attention.

“Today,” he starts up, “I want to talk about ‘coming out’.”

The effect of the proclamation is instantaneous; even with Yixing’s warning, the topic is one that has each person bristling in different ways. Kyungsoo, for one, can physically feel how his heartbeat jumps and speeds at the words alone. Even though Kyungsoo can’t speak for others, he could readily say that the idea of ‘coming out’ plagues his mind more than anything else regarding his uality does. Kyungsoo is constantly thinking about what his first experience of coming out had been like, considering what his future ones might be like, and wondering if it’s ever something that he will be able to consider without being struck by a looming sense of dread.

Yixing speaks again, interrupting Kyungsoo’s spiral of thoughts- “We live in a world right now where people are generally always presumed straight until told otherwise, or until someone makes a public gesture in which they ‘out’ themselves - so as to put it,” Yixing says. “What that means for those of us who are okay with their uality being public, is that you will generally have to say it aloud, to someone, at least once in your life.” He goes on, something demure to his eyes as he says it. The expression makes Kyungsoo wonder, for perhaps the first time, how Yixing had come out to his friends and family, for his eyes speak clearly of the difficulties such a task could bring. But it’s only when he watches Yixing flicker his gaze Suho’s way, meaning to be discreet but failing under Kyungsoo’s ever-watchful gaze, that Kyungsoo realises it might be a pain he’s feeling for the person he loves instead.

“I’m bringing it up now,” Yixing speaks again, “because from these last few sessions it seems like quite a few of you are considering the notion, and have even carried it out,” he says, looking to Jongin specifically here. “I wanted to see today where everyone was with it: are you guys near to telling people? Or is it something you haven’t considered yet?” Yixing poses to the group, staring around at all their faces.

Luhan is the one who speaks first, though it’s after a pause has settled over the cohort, his expression twisting uncomfortably, “I don’t like that it... ‘has to’ happen.” He admits, voice taking on that rare, serious tone that Kyungsoo has only heard the other use on a few occasions - absent of its usual joking lilt. “I don’t know, Iknow I’m not thinking about it anytime soon...”

“My parents wouldn’t react well,” it’s Sehun who joins in now, hands twiddling with his knees. “I mean, they mention girlfriends and stuff. It’s definitely not something that could happen anytime soon for me either...”

“I’m pretty sure my dad would disown me,” Tao says with a laugh, though it’s mirthless to everyone listening. Tao has already spoken in depth about his dad throughout the past sessions, and even never having met the man, Kyungsoo can’t help but to privately fear him- the way he is so severely portrayed. It makes Kyungsoo feel even more protective over Tao than he already is, and he believes that every other member of the group garners similar feelings for their youngest member - Yixing most especially, whose bias is unspoken but abundantly clear. Even now, his words are met with expressions of timidity and reassurance all across the circle, and Kris (sat beside him) reaches out and squeeze at Tao’s hand. Tao swallows, smiling briefly at the gentle move. “So, yeah,” he says eventually, “I don’t see myself ever coming out. Definitely not to my family.”

“Same, I think,” Kyungsoo speaks up now, his parents’ faces running through his mind at Tao’s relatable words. “At least - not anytime in the foreseeable future...” he embroiders, at his suddenly dry lips as he actually, for a moment, considers the notion. Honestly, Kyungsoo isn’t sure he ever wants to have that conversation with his parents - impart somewhat to his terrible outing at school, but also because he’s sure from the many runaway comments his parents have made in the past that the news won’t exactly be met with ‘open arms’. He’s sure neither of them, both of traditional upbringings, would be able to accept a son who likes men.

“I think my parents already know, to be honest,” it’s Minseok who shares now, looking around at the faces in the circle, “and they’re just waiting for me to confirm it, I guess?”

“Yeah, my parents actually know now...” It’s Baekhyun who says it, and the announcement, being a first, is met with such surprise that it takes a long moment for everyone to even take the words in.

“What?” It’s Yixing who asks. “Since when?”

Baekhyun goes a little red as the attention goes to him, and he scratches sheepishly at the back of his neck. “A couple of weeks back, actually,” he admits. “They saw that I had-“ but he cuts off suddenly, not finishing his sentence, but sending a sidelong glance Chanyeol’s way that’s somewhat telling. “Anyway, they asked me first, and I just didn’t bother denying it.” He provides. “They were really... supportive.” He says, looking a little small, almost awkward, as he says the words.

Chanyeol, of course, ever the observer and admirer of his nightingale, spots the change in mood in an instance. “Hey, don’t look like that,” he says, gaze softening as his brows sag down at Baekhyun’s conflicted expression. “You don’t have to feel guilty about having cool parents, Baek. We want to hear about that.”

“He’s right, Baekhyun,” Yixing reaffirms, recognising the sheepishness to Baekhyun’s countenance as he speaks. “I used to think the same - my parents have always been very supportive of me,” he explains. “And I used to feel especially awkward when people I knew were struggling where I hadn’t,” He admits, looking Suho’s way here in a plain display of affection. “But, just because you don’t have this particular hardship, doesn’t mean you don’t have any,” Yixing emphasises, something charged and zealous in the orbs of his eyes. “Your pain isn’t any less than others.” He assures.

“This is why I wanted to talk about this,” Yixing goes on. “I know it’s kind of a touchy subject, and it’s hard for a lot of you to even be thinking about, but it is unfortunately something you’re all likely to experience in your life.” He explains.

“Yixing is right.” Junmyeon tacks on, and most people around the circle flutter with surprise; the elder rarely ever joins in on discussions such as these. “Even if you might want to avoid it, or ignore it, it’s something that will inevitably happen if you want to be as true to yourself as you can be.” He reaches a hand out, and curls his fingers into the cusp of Yixing’s palm, looking at him here when he goes on, “and that only worsens, and becomes more... ‘imminent’ I guess, when you have someone you like enough to want to tell people...”

On any other occasion, the sweet words might get a coo, or a tease, but there is something so charged, so emotional about the way Yixing and Suho meet eyes in that moment - something that appears almost too intimate to bear witness too - that no one in the group even dares speak a word about it. It’s as Kyungsoo looks upon the pair that he understands what they mean: it would be easy to go on living life, pretending to be someone you aren’t, if you didn’t have someone you so ardently wanted to spend it with.

Then, quite out of nowhere-

“Okay, I hate to shatter the suddenly dreary mood, but now I just have to know - are you guys actually dating?” Jongdae asks, turning to dart an accusatory gaze between Jongin and Kyungsoo from across the circle.

“What?” Yixing blinks out of his stare, and looks instead between the two mentioned, “you guys are dating?”

“Yeah, are you?” Tao pipes in, eyes shining at the mere prospect.

Kyungsoo flusters in place, dancing fingers over his knees. “We’re- we’re not dating...” he responds, throwing Jongin a sidelong glance to gage his response.

He’s surprised though when he sees how the other has simply drifted off into sleep again, not hearing the words spoken about him - his head bobbing gently up and down, hair covering his eyes. The image makes Kyungsoo soften instantly, and it even has Jongdae halting his questions, the group turning oddly silent at the unexpected display.

“He doesn’t seem to have gotten much sleep?” Yixing whispers the words, leaning forward in his seat to fix Jongin with his worried stare.

Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything to clarify too far (it’s not his thing to tell), but he does hum in a gentle affirmation. “Is it... okay, if we let him sleep?” He implores in hushed, barely-there words. “We can just talk more quietly for awhile, can’t we?”

He sees in his periphery how Tao responds to this request with an amused, wholly-teasing expression directed his way, but he pretends not to see it - even if he’s sure he might flush a little tellingly at the image.

“Of course,” Yixing agrees. “Now, where were we...”

“Why didn’t you wake me?” It’s the first thing Jongin says since the group had started rising from their seats, and the sound had finally roused him. Kyungsoo and him are walking out of the centre doors now, the rest of the group around them and bustling with their own conversations.

“You didn’t sleep well last night,” Kyungsoo ripostes, “How could I possibly have woken you?” And then Kyungsoo fixes Jongin with this soft, open expression, and it’s Jongin’s turn to blush under the weight of it - a rosy hue peeling over his tan cheeks.

“Oh...” Jongin accepts easily, fixing Kyungsoo with sidelong glances all the rest of their journey home.

Now Kyungsoo is finally back in his bedroom, he lets all the events of the day wash over him at last - form sagging atop his duvet, and head sinking into his pillows.

What a day, he thinks, reaching a hand up to rest over his eyes as they fall to a gentle close. The movement makes the material of his shirt sleeves brush up against his face, and the sensation is what reminds Kyungsoo of his attire.

With a bleary inhale of air, he his hand back and over his face, lids peeling open to stare at the sleeves of Jongin’s shirt. He hadn’t forgotten he is wearing it, no, but he’d forgotten how it makes him feel - as if Jongin’s someone he’s actually dating, as if sharing clothes with the taller is a sweet, commonplace thing. It’s a fierce, dangerous feeling - evokes a tremble of his heart and heat to his cheeks. It makes Kyungsoo never want to let go of this shirt- makes him want more.

He breathes out again - a long, harrowing sigh - resolving himself to think of other things, and it’s easy to think about the topic talked through at the support group session today. The session has Kyungsoo thinking, sincerely, about what coming out to his parents would actually entail, what it would mean - to the point where he finds himself considering the scenario more seriously than he ever has done before since coming to terms with his uality. He knows without a doubt that the reaction will not be a good one, should he tell them, but he also knows it’s something he cannot realistically hide forever - even if he may ardently desire to. Somehow, with the passing days, Kyungsoo has been feeling more and more as if he’s living a lie: a phenomena he’s only started noticing since his and Jongin’s relationship began to grow; Yixing was right about one thing - it is much harder to keep this secret when you like someone as much as Kyungsoo now likes Jongin. The one saving grace in Kyungsoo’s mind in regards to this is that, unlike in school, this is a coming out he will have complete control over: the circumstances, the timing, the amount of detail - all of this is his to decide on, and that reassures him, alleviates the pressure, more than anything else does.

Kyungsoo turns to lie on his side, hand and sleeve pressed over his lips. He breathes into the fabric, the hot air fanning over his chin and cheeks and pressing little speckles of water vapour into the clothes. His eyes wander in this position, and it’s here that they fall to his calendar opened up on a monthly spread, halting at the printed little box where his birthday glares out at him - Jongin’s but a couple days after.

His birthday is usually a day that goes by without much fuss - Kyungsoo not wanting a party with no friends who could come, and his family gifting presents, maybe doing the odd special meal, but never anything more. It’s only as Kyungsoo is looking at the box that signifies that date, that he realises, for perhaps the first time in years, he actually has friends he wants to celebrate it with, and that thought is so new but welcome that Kyungsoo gives himself a long moment to just soak it in.

Kyungsoo wants everyone from the support group sessions there, he decides. Though there are some members he isn’t as close with, and others he hasn’t spoken to as much, the dynamic is set clear in stone - 12, or nothing. Jongin, especially, is someone Kyungsoo wishes more than any other person to have with him on his birthday. Though the time has been relatively short, the days that they’ve known one another has secured the taller a special place in Kyungsoo’s heart - one he’s positive will stay in place for years to come. Kyungsoo simply hasn’t felt this intensely for anyone before, and even if that feeling changes and morphs with each coming second, minute, hour spent in the other’s company, it is ever-present.

Kyungsoo raises suddenly up now, restless with his thoughts. He wants the support group there with him, on his birthday, more than he’s wanted something in a long time. Before he can think too much into it, he stalks quickly from his own room and towards his parents’ door across the hall and gives it a knock, breath bated and blood rushing in his ears.

A muffled “come in,” sounds from behind the slab of wood, and Kyungsoo readily steps into the room. His parents are both still unchanged from their work clothes, sat neatly on their desks on opposite sides of the room, typing away at their laptops and referring to the various documents sprawled out before them. Not for the first time, they’ve taken their work home with them - something Kyungsoo never could and never has been able to understand: why be at home, physically present, when you’re focused elsewhere and unable to truly be at home? Kyungsoo can’t count the amount of times in his youth when he’d rushed to his parents room or discovered them on the dining room table downstairs, eyes bright and lips trembling to spill the little story or thought he’d wanted them to hear, only to receive a cool riposte or a snap to be left alone back- “I’m working, Kyungsoo”-, like that was both explanation and pardon enough for dispiriting a child who had only wanted to hear his parents’ voices.

“Kyungsoo?” His mother calls out, the old memories lingering a few seconds more as Kyungsoo pictures her face telling him to ‘leave, whilst I work’. “What’s up? Tell me quick, I have a late-night conference call.”

Something in Kyungsoo pangs gently at the last words, but on the outside his lips only twitch in a flinch of a smile. “I was just wondering if I could have some people around here for my birthday?” He asks, trying to appear nonchalant as he speaks. “The guys from the study group I go to?” He adds, the lie rehearsed and utilised for weeks, but one that still remains sour on his tongue.

“What day?” His mother asks, absent-minded as she flicks through the papers strewn out in front of her.

The question makes Kyungsoo breathe a deep, wearying breath. Mum, he thinks,you asking me ‘what day’ means you haven’t even thought about it, haven’t even considered it, haven’t even-

“I... said my birthday.” He ripostes, nibbling furiously at his lower lip.

“Yes, but what day.” His mother re-emphasises, ignorant of Kyungsoo’s expression - her gaze still not veering from her papers.

“It’s a Saturday,” Kyungsoo breathes out, feeling oddly tired by just this short conversation - more so than all the other events of the day have made him.

His mother hums at the words, tugging her planner towards her and scanning through. “Oh, that’s fine. I’m going to a work event until late on that date.”

“And it’s my bowling night that day,” Kyungsoo’s dad finally pipes up; even though it seems he had been listening, he still continues highlighting the document before him, a focused zeal over his eyes. “I’ll probably be back around 11, so it’s all yours until then.”

“So, I have the house until 11?” Kyungsoo confirms, trying to tone down the sudden excitement that hits him at the plan coming to fruition so smoothly.

“Do what you want, Kyungsoo,” it’s his dad who says it, but his mum’s hum of agreement is all Kyungsoo needs to hear for him to know. He holds back a smile, foundering a thank you before rushing back to his room with a newfound bound in his step. He collapses onto his bed, fingers toying with the sleeves of Jongin’s shirt over his pulse point, and he stares up at his bedroom ceiling with the thought that next week could not come any sooner.

It’s in the middle of school the next day that Kyungsoo gets it.

Can you meet with me after school today? In the abandoned courtyard. Alone.

The text is simple and to the point - just like the leader always is.

It’s odd.

Kyungsoo had been expecting it, but for a text to actually come through feels a little surreal. Sometimes you spend so long waiting for something, that you get accustomed to just that - the waiting -, and then when it finally actually happens, you aren’t quite prepared for it to. That’s what Kyungsoo feels now - unprepared. Out of his depth. Nervous - the kind only the leader- Chin Ho, ever invokes in him, and for what must be the first time in days.

Kyungsoo wonders what he’ll have to say.

Kyungsoo’s last lesson of the day is located in the complete opposite direction to their school’s courtyard, but it’s something Kyungsoo is grateful for: he uses the walk to collect his thoughts, to try and soothe his pounding heart. He’s caught up in his head, in that text, in the thousands of things the leader could possibly want to say to him after all this time.

In amongst this all, Kyungsoo finds himself thinking back to his very first support group session, and to the person he was back then. It’s only really been a few months since that time, but it feels like a lifetime ago. Back then, the leader was Kyungsoo’s only worry, the drive that had him stepping through those clear session doors that very first time. It feels so strange to think how much time has changed things - Kyungsoo hasn’t felt fear like that for the leader in weeks. If he’d been asked to meet with the boy all those weeks back, in the same way that he has been today, Kyungsoo is sure that the situation would feel very different. Instead, today (even though he is nervous about what this meeting might bring), Kyungsoo doesn’t feel any fear, and the absence of that fear feels like a weight being lifted off of Kyungsoo’s shoulders; Kyungsoo never sincerely believed he would be able to stop fearing this boy.

He finds himself reaching the courtyard more quickly than he’d anticipated, or maybe he’d just lost track of time in all his thoughts. In any case, the hallways have been growing sparser and sparser with each succeeding step, and a strange and silent din has settled over the whole school - the same bewitching stillness that settles after every school day, and spreads a sense of calm over the grounds.

The leader is settled beneath the school’s overhang, his eyes gently closed and form slouched into the wall behind him. He appears, in that moment, more peaceful and rested than the leader has ever looked to Kyungsoo before - even with dark circles weighted beneath his eyes. Kyungsoo halts in place for a long moment, taking the rare image in. It’s times like these where he remembers that this boy, Chin Ho, is just that- a boy, for its something in the past that Kyungsoo has found so difficult to comprehend. Kyungsoo remembers calling him a monster in his head; now, as he looks on at that still, unmoving figure, he wonders how he’d ever pieced such an association together.

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath in, bracing himself for whatever is to come, and he steps forward. It’s a crunch of some leaves beneath his shoes that has Chin Ho opening his eyes, turning his head to stare directly Kyungsoo’s way as he approaches. He doesn’t move much from his position - only straightens further up, as if making room for Kyungsoo to sit, and Kyungsoo takes the clear space without much hesitation, asking as he settles down, “so... why did you want to meet?”

Chin Ho doesn’t respond - at least, not immediately. His gaze is directed across the courtyard, to someplace far-off that Kyungsoo can’t see. Kyungsoo lets the leader’s momentary silence settle over them, though it’s not true silence: without the interference of voices, of student’s muffled feet clattering through the school hallways, the yard transforms into the spot of nature it was always destined to be - a rustle of leaves and the whirl of a winter’s wind yielding against their ears like a lull to sleep. Chin Ho too must hear it, at least softly, as he stares into space; Kyungsoo wonders if that’s why he’s even paused, and, as if the thought could be heard aloud, the boy sat opposite him finally makes to speak.

“I wanted to... undo my wrongs.” He says eventually, eyes at last darting upwards to meet Kyungsoo’s own.

Kyungsoo blinks. What?

But the leader continues speaking - too quickly for Kyungsoo to even begin to wrap his head around the unexpected proclamation. “It’s this-,” he his head from side-to-side, “I don’t know, thing, I’m doing. One of the steps is to undo, or make up for, my wrongs.” He goes on, an earnest zeal to his gaze and his tone of voice. “And you’re definitely my biggest... ‘wrong’.” He does something strange with that word - wrong - drawing it out like he knows there’s better words but still decided to use that one. Kyungsoo has never heard the boy speak this way before - as if he’s not detached, as if, instead, quite conversely, he’s so consumed by his emotions that he can’t hide them even for a moment.

But Kyungsoo focuses instead on the things he’s said, stringing together what it means. “You’re... here to apologise?” He asks unsurely, for even though they speak the same language Kyungsoo is sure he must’ve understood something wrong.

The leader though- Chin Ho- he looks pleased by the question, assured as if Kyungsoo saying it aloud has stopped him from having to do so instead. “I mean, maybe- Yeah,” he agrees. “But first I’m- I’m supposed to talk and explain and like that...”

‘Supposed to,’? Kyungsoo repeats to himself, more perplexed than he’d been before. “Chin Ho, what are you talking about?” He asks, not focusing too much on how naturally the name had passed from between his lips.

Chin Ho stutters out a breath, and puts on a face that’s faux long-suffering, “Do, just hear me out?” He asks, and it makes Kyungsoo still; just a few months ago, those words would’ve been invoked as an instruction, a growl of request - it is surreal how so much has changed in so many ways. “I’d like you to listen - if you’re willing to.” He goes on, appearing so uncharacteristically sincere that it would render Kyungsoo a fool to walk away from such a conversation.

He doesn’t respond, but he does settle down more comfortably next to the leader (a school-bag’s width of space between them) - his soundless confirmation. Chin Ho seems to get the message, for his shoulders visibly relax, and he leans back more comfortably in his place.

There’s a short silence, and then-

“Well, I think this probably starts with... the way my father came out.”

A/N:

Ahoy hoy

This is a stupidly late update. It’s because this chapter was quite a bit of a filler chapter to settle into the next part of the story, and those are notoriously difficult for me to write - I see this fic as being in two parts, and the second part is beginning now. That means there’s around 20-30 chapters to go, most of which I’ve outlined already, so if anything good comes out of quarantine, I hope it’s that I can get these updates out to you guys more quickly.

Thank you for those who have stayed to watch out for this fic’s updates - I will keep updating for you. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and please feel free to leave comments x