1. BROKEN ROUTINE

One day a long time ago, Do Kyungsoo had been happy - relaxing with his friends, filling up the lunch hours with mindless, wonderfully irrelevant chatter - and then, without even so much as a sign that his happiness was under threat, his whole world about to be tipped on its head, everything changed. The day ended, another began, the bullying started; just like that.

Kyungsoo remembers it as if it were only yesterday. He remembers how normal everything had been, how routine the day had felt.

How had it been years since then? Kyungsoo marvels at how the time has passed. Sure, it was hard to cope at the beginning, but Kyungsoo is used to it now, just how anyone gets used to things. He realised that it was easier, somehow, to accept his situation rather than to waste his energy trying to change it. 

And that’s okay. Kyungsoo isn’t really affected by his bullies anymore, not since a long, long time ago now. Their methods stopped working on him years back.

He knows what they will say before they even start to say it: their words are the same, and of a set brashness which never rises or falls or even falters for a single moment.

He knows what to protect if things get violent: they hit in the same places and shove in the same direction - even guffaw afterwards in the same, mimicked pitch and with that ever-present ring to their chortles.

He can figure out how to get away when he needs to: they strike at routine times, working around a schedule - which Kyungsoo knows off-by-heart - and always in the same places - the ones which Kyungsoo knows how to avoid.

He learned. He memorised. He got used to it.

When it gets more physical, Kyungsoo might have to pick himself off the ground, might even have to steal his sister's BB cream to cover up a place where they landed a punch that bruised a bit more than he’d anticipated, but it never grows from this and it doesn’t grant enough of a reason for Kyungsoo to fight back like it used to the first times it happened.

When it’s all about words, and their blows are carried out by only their voices, Kyungsoo knows what to expect, what they shoot at him on a daily basis and without fail, their use of slurs and filthy chortles, putrid insults and harsh chants - , gay boy, queer, , gay boy, queer, over and over and over again until Kyungsoo can’t forget them.

To hear something which can’t be changed about yourself, chanted at you as if it is a poisonous trait – it took a while to get used to, it took a while for it to stop hurting like it doesn’t hurt now, but it doesn’t make Kyungsoo hate himself like it had done before.

Before he had believed them when they called him disgusting, thought the same when they labelled him unnatural and undeserving, freak, unworthy, , scum, nothing.

The words stung so hard and so deep that for a very long time, he lost his voice. He had no one to turn to, had lost his few friends when they'd found out he had the capacity to fall in love with them, and was far too afraid, too uncertain to tell his family. He realised pretty soon that if he lost them over this, if he lost everyone all because he didn't like girls, he would not be able to survive.

It terrified him one day when he had wordlessly entered his house, maybe a few months after the bullying had started, and he’d kicked off his shoes by his front door to find his sister sat on the bottom of the stairs where the first thing she had said as a greeting was, "you're gay." not a question, but a statement, so that Kyungsoo's heartbeat picked and his throat went dry and he froze in a state of terror, one shoe off, one shoe on.

"You're gay," she had repeated, standing up and taking a few steps towards Kyungsoo. "Right?"

Kyungsoo recalls how he had his parched lips a little and tried to swallow, but had started shaking so hard and fiercely that he could barely stay upright, consumed by fear of abandonment, of loss, and wondering what was to become of him when he was left to the streets.

But she had shocked him, called softly instead, resting a hand on her younger brother’s shaking shoulder and soothing, "Kyungsoo, it’s okay - there is nothing wrong with that." And when Kyungsoo had started to tear up from the fear, she had attempted a reassuring smile, bringing him closer until his head was rested against her shoulder. "It's okay," she had repeated, the opposite of what had been drilled into his head, wrapping her skinny arms around her brother's shaking form and hugging him tightly, feeling how his hands slowly came to grip at her shirt. "It's okay, there is nothing wrong with that."

The bullying did not stop nor slacken, even though Kyungsoo began to grow more confident, listening to his sister when she told him there was nothing wrong, when she assured him that he wasn't disgusting or repulsive like he had come to believe in those past months.

He came to realise, as his voice grew again and the situation became a normality, an untouchable part of his life, that nothing his bullies threw at him could hurt him - at least, not in a different way than it already had - and it made it easier to take everything as a joke, to be able to laugh inside and think, "yeah, you've already said that - and?"

It’s why he doesn’t fight back. It’s why he doesn’t dare step out of this routine, afraid things will get worse rather than better.

This routine is a part of his life now, a somewhat tedious pattern which he neither minds nor even really cares to get out of, and, though he is seventeen years old now and the bullying hasn't stopped, he is used to it now.

Yes, he is used to it now, he tells himself.

Taking this all into account, he expects it every time he sees a shadow loom over his desk and is shoved onto the ground with a crowd of laughing spectators to watch.

He expects it every time he is surrounded in the canteen whilst he eats, words shooting at him like knives, and another group of students mocking from the side-lines.

What he does not expect, however, is the fist which slams into his face the second he steps into his form room today, a month into the new school year.

His whole body crashes to the ground at the unexpected force, his headphones slipping from his ears and his glasses releasing a resounding crack as they shatter against the school floor, and, before he can make sense of things, hands curl tightly into his collar and throw him against the ground once more before a ruckus breaks out and the teacher's booming voice calls out in shock.

There is an onslaught of sound, a buzz of surprise filtering through the room, and, when he opens his eyes, the bully who hit him, the leader, is being held back by his two friends and is flailing in their grasp, yelling words at Kyungsoo which he can't decipher because there is a pounding in his head and he doesn't know what's going on.

This has never happened before, they have never targeted him so recklessly, uncaring of the prospect of being caught and relentless with the power of their hits (which Kyungsoo now feels as a sharp sting coils in his jaw), and Kyungsoo, for the first time in three and a half years, is shocked.

"Come on," a voice says in his ear, and Kyungsoo feels a strong arm around his shoulders slowly coaxing him onto his feet. "You have to go to medical."

His footsteps clatter against the linoleum floor of the hallways as he is steered up and out, the buzz of the classroom distant all of a sudden. It takes him a long while of walking to really comprehend that he is not alone, that there is another set of steps along with his own.

He looks up and to the side, has to tilt his head to properly see the person half-carrying him down the hall, and even though it hurts his jaw to move like this and there is a throbbing in his head somewhere, he does not look away until he can put a name to the face – which, when he does, makes his breath hitch and his heart pick in shock.

"J-Jongin?" He questions.

He is Kim Jongin, yes, Kyungsoo can see that now. Jongin is a popular person, has many friends even though he has this silent aura of mystery around himself and doesn't often speak. He has never once laughed when Kyungsoo has been publically bullied, and he has many admirers, Kyungsoo remembers, due to his exceptional dancing abilities and effortless good looks.

When he turns to face Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo cannot help but fluster slightly, even in the circumstances, because they are very close and Jongin is very, very hot and he knows Kyungsoo is very, very much gay but he is helping him regardless, seems even unfazed by their proximity.

"You shouldn't speak," Jongin says, stern, "it looks like your jaw might be fractured."

Ah, yes, that would explain the throb.

“’Hurts like a …” Kyungsoo mutters to himself, scrunching his nose in annoyance, missing the small twitch of Jongin’s lips.

They walk in silence for a while, Kyungsoo gathering himself enough to move away slightly and carry on without support, but Jongin still stays close with his arms tensed by his sides as if he expects Kyungsoo to collapse any moment now.

"Why are you helping me?" Kyungsoo blurts out suddenly, curious but immediately shrinking back when Jongin sends him a small, disapproving glare for having aggravated his jaw.

"Because you're hurt." Jongin says, simply, nothing more, and Kyungsoo knows Jongin knows that is not what he was asking, not the explanation he was searching for, but he doesn't ask again and the rest of the journey is in silence.

Before Jongin turns away to go back to class after seating Kyungsoo on one of the medical room's plush red chairs and explaining roughly what happened to the lady who is there, he takes a long moment to just stare at Kyungsoo, eyes brooding and curious and expression so concentrated that Kyungsoo feels like he would really like it if a black hole was to appear in the middle of the room so that he could escape.

When he leaves, Kyungsoo feels like he has been turned inside out.

Four day's suspension. That's what the leader gets for fracturing Kyungsoo's jaw and giving him a mild concussion.

Kyungsoo wants to laugh at that, but his mouth still hurts to move.

His parents had to be informed of what happened, and it took some lying to stray away from the truth of the situation, the reason for the hit, but they haven't been inquisitive parents in a long, long time - for once, something Kyungsoo is glad of.

His sister, still the only one in his family who knows that he is gay, is subsequently the only one who knows the true story, that it wasn't just 'some guy in school who picks on anyone he can to look strong.' She is furious about it, promises to break this guy's neck for hurting her younger brother so bad, but she is only trying to make a bad situation better, won't actually try anything when she knows it will only make things worse. Kyungsoo laughs a lot at their conversation, becomes lighter in his chest as they talk, just like always, and doesn't care that his mouth throbs.

But he still feels that something has changed, knows in his gut that the incident wasn't just a one-off when he tries to sleep and instead sees the feral glint the leader had held in his eyes when he had leant over him, and he is on edge for the whole week - even knowing that he cannot run into the bully with his suspension still intact.

Kyungsoo, for the first time in years, is scared.

It is Monday now and Kyungsoo knows the leader will be back today.

The last week had been calm without him, neither of his two cronies even trying to approach Kyungsoo without their leader there to show them the way, to call out what tricks to do, to tell them sit, roll over, shake my hand, play dead. Kyungsoo has the most peaceful school days he has had since he was twelve years old. It should be a good thing, this momentary lapse of peace, but Kyungsoo feels the most uneasy he has felt in years, and he can’t shake that away.

He sighs heavily now, pulling his headphones out from his blazer pockets as he starts his journey to school.

In this past week he has also had the chance to notice the people around him, could actually lift his head without having to brace himself for a slur or a jeer, and he has learned a lot.

He has figured out that there are cliques in this school, something he had never really noticed before, and they are tight-knit, both hard to breach and hard to leave.

He has identified the group he would've fit in if he wasn't gay, the 'smart group', not obnoxiously so but that which can still be seen joking around in their little coven of five or six at the very corner of the canteen or in a cluster of desks in form.

On Thursday he overheard one of them fretting over a question which no one could seem to make sense of in the coven and he found himself offering his help before properly thinking it through, trying to do something good even knowing that they might not like it.

He was surprised though when the person, the boy, only thanked him, even granted him a small smile of gratitude, and for a short moment, Kyungsoo smiled back, and could pretend that he was a part of them, that he had a place in the school too.

The more rational side of him though knows that the reason for this was the absence of the leader, and it was not just a coincidence that he saw so many more relaxed shoulders, more proud laughs and confident chatters with the boy’s absence; the leader of his bullies undoubtedly ‘likes’ Kyungsoo best, gets the most entertainment through picking on him, but his manner is that which still affects others, and it is why Kyungsoo is not alone when he breathes easier that week and walks without an edge.

There are some other things he has noticed these past days, small things regarding various characters in his class, but there is someone whom he has shown the most interest in, from afar.

He has learnt that Kim Jongin has one best friend with whom he is barely ever apart from, a Lee Taemin who also dances and who also garners much attention from his looks and figure. Together they laugh loudly and surely, but when apart Jongin is less boisterous whilst Taemin stays the same, naturally extroverted, Kyungsoo thinks. Jongin is the opposite, likes to keep to himself unless he is comfortable.

He is a polite person, raises his hand in class from time to time and knows what to say when a teacher picks up on him out of the blue, but he rarely writes notes, instead listens intently to the words that his teachers are saying - an auditory learner.

He has his own packed lunch for three out of five days, but on Tuesdays and Thursdays, chicken days, he will instead opt for the hot meat and will be notably happier on these particular afternoons.

He has a nickname, a stage persona, Kai, who is known to be confident and assured but who Kyungsoo has never seen for himself.

Kyungsoo also picks up on how Jongin seems indifferent to the attention he receives, maybe even frustrated with it when the boys try too hard to make him like them and the girls flirt too obviously, and he often only brushes away the advances he receives with a small nod of his head and a mumbled goodbye.

But, what surprises Kyungsoo the most, above all other information he has managed to gathered about Kim Jongin in these short four or five days, is that this boy, this incredibly attractive boy, has never been in a relationship before.

Kyungsoo discovers all of this much faster than he would've thought possible, but it is something which he now, unintentionally, looks out for. It is not that he is in love with Kim Jongin, nor does he think he even particularly likes him, is actually rather intimidated by the boy's slightly brooding character, but he has an interest in the boy which he cannot tone down and which cannot be helped. There is something about Kim Jongin, something which he can't quite put his finger on but which he knows to exist somewhere, and it is something which he cannot shake off.

Kyungsoo sighs heavily, overwhelmed by his thoughts. The music in his ears sounds more like a hum now, a comfort as he walks to school, knowing that he is trying to distract himself, trying to not overthink about all that has happened and what is yet to be.

So he walks slower than usual - savouring these moments of peace.

Quietly, almost soundlessly, he begins to sing under his breath, lips barely moving and his whole body relaxing with the words that pour from his mouth. He doesn't know if he is in the right pitch, doesn't know if he has even captured the gentle rhythm of the song in his ears, but he is uncaring, has this blissful tune in his head where, for a moment, he can pretend that his life isn't like this, that he is happier than he is now and that all the problems, all the scruples he has, are non-existent.

But, like all good things, all blissful lies and moments of peace in Kyungsoo's life, it does not last.

"There you are."

Fear spreads fast through Kyungsoo's body and his breath hitches, the spell of the music breaking when the headphones in his ears are tugged out and the rush of wind meets them instead.

No.

"I've been looking for you for a while now, you know that?" the leader asks, and Kyungsoo sees those feral eyes again, the ones which have haunted him since a week ago, flashing with anger from up close.

The boy tugs harshly at Kyungsoo's shirt collar, presses his fingers against Kyungsoo's throat and digs his nails into the flesh with a pressure that suddenly has Kyungsoo's breath hitching in shock, and he leans in even closer and whispers against his ear, "Did you miss me?"

No, no, no, no, no.

This isn't happening.

They have never done this - not now, not outside of school.

This doesn't make sense.

The air is knocked out of him and he is thrown onto the ground, a jolt of surprise quaking through him when his hands and knees scrape against the rough gravel that is there, and the sharp pain that stings there is enough for Kyungsoo to realise that this is real, this is really happening.

The boy straightens himself out and aims a hard, sharp kick to Kyungsoo's stomach with a force which he has never used before, so suddenly and so abruptly that Kyungsoo can’t even think of avoiding it, and grunts loud at the pain, curling into himself, making himself small.

No, no, no.

"Do you know?" the boy hisses, aiming another kick to Kyungsoo's hip, "Do you know what you’ve ing done?”

A hit at his chest this time, breaking through the feeble barriers of Kyungsoo’s arms as the leader leans down and hisses, "God, do you even ing care?”

Another swing, this time to his leg, direct hit, and, as a sharp burst of pain pulls a wail from his throat, Kyungsoo swears that he hears something crack.

That has never happened before.

"How is a like you allowed to walk around as if you're normal?!" the boy asks, reaching down and gripping Kyungsoo's shirt, ignoring Kyungsoo’s feeble whines and harsh, erratic breaths. He tilts Kyungsoo’s had, staring at Kyungsoo like he’s never seen anyone he hates more. "God, I want to ing hurt you, all the ing time. You don’t even know. You don’t even ing know.”

Kyungsoo knows the moment the routine starts to crumble – how the leader is no longer human, no longer sane, as he abruptly tugs Kyungsoo onto his feet and a scream so painful spills from Kyungsoo’s mouth - so loud that he wonders how no one is coming to help, how no one could've heard that from miles away.

"It's your fault," the boy growls, forcing Kyungsoo to lean his weight on his broken leg and breathing raggedly when Kyungsoo grits his teeth together, tears pooling into his eyes, "it's all your ing fault!”

Something has changed. Everything has changed.

The boy punches Kyungsoo in the jaw hard and Kyungsoo's teeth sink into his own tongue, filling his mouth with a pool of blood in seconds. The warm liquid has barely started trickling down his chin when another hit is landed on the other side of his face and the blood spews from his mouth, painting the gravel ground in small red speckles.

Nothing will ever be the same again.

" you," the boy spits, aiming another punch to Kyungsoo's sides. "Just, you."

And the grip on Kyungsoo releases, his broken body falling limp on the floor, too tarnished to work.

The last thing Kyungsoo sees are those feral eyes growing bigger, coming closer, before everything goes black.

The routine’s broke.

Kyungsoo loses.

A/N

Sorry for breaking Kyungsoo (I swear it was necessary)

Uh yeah so idk about this chapter - the first is always the hardest for me. Please comment what you thought below!

ALSO, I am overwhelmed by the 20 subscribers I got before even posting this first chapter!!! *-* you make me blush yo.

Thank you for viewing and reading and subscribing and commenting ^-^ xxx