~Sulli~

I held the hand mirror to my face, studying my makeup. I looked so different now since becoming a gisaeng. But on the inside was I truly that different?

I thought about Ren and V. They had been so shocked when they’d seen me, but when I saw them, they had looked and acted exactly the same. They hadn’t changed- only I had. I remembered my job as a staff member at the Palace of Lights, serving Headmaster Leeteuk. Back then I’d been happy, but not completely- I only longed to return to the human world. Now…I could never go back. That choice was torn from my hands, right in front of my eyes; my whole world had come crashing down. My fate was to the spend the rest of eternity trapped in the Gisaeng House, wearing a fake smile as I served guests tea, my body, and happiness. But I also got to study and learn music, poetry, painting, and dancing, so perhaps it wasn’t all that boring. Ren and V were probably going to get here soon. As if reading my mind, there was a knock at the door. They both entered my room.

V smiled at me. “How have you been, Sulli?”

I flinched at the sound of my old name- he noticed it and instantly his face fell. Guilt washed through me, but I refused to let my emotions be displayed on my face for them to see. “I’ve been doing just fine. Nice hair.” My gaze flitted over to Ren, who was standing close to the door, seeming uncomfortable and upset about something.

“Thanks,” V replied, but no longer with the same hint of joy there had just been moments ago. “I decided it was time for a little change.”

“So what’s the update on the plan?” I asked, eager to get this conversation out of the way so I could be left alone again.

He bit his lip. “Still the same, Shaman Deo will come here to assist you in the spell. I’ll be on guard near the gates as Ren goes out alone.”

Ren gazed at the walls, a sad expression on his face, his blond bangs swept over his eyes. “…There’s only give days left…”

Oh. So that’s what has him feeling so down…

Silence filled the room; I set the hand mirror down onto the table and picked up my paintbrush, painting wordlessly as they stood there. I could feel their eyes burning straight through me, but I didn’t dare meet their gaze.

“Let me talk to her alone for a few minutes,” Ren finally said.

“Huh? Oh. Okay.” V seemed a bit surprised, but he didn’t argue. “See you in five days, Sulli- err, Lee Nan Hyang.” I heard footsteps and the door sliding open and shut again, leaving Ren and I alone together.

I set down my paintbrush and looked up at him. He seemed so broken, and I wished I could comfort him. But he wasn’t a guest I could serve. So I simply asked, “What’s wrong?”

“That’s the first bit of concern you’ve bothered to show me since they took you away to this place.” His voice was bitter and low, all signs of our friendship seemingly erased.

“I’m sorry. It’s been tough for me too. I didn’t want to look weak or scared in front of you and V.”

He scoffed in disbelief. “I was your friend. Friends are supposed to share those kinds of things with each other. Did you even mean it when you told me you wanted me?”

“Of course I meant it! Ren, I meant everything I said that night.”

Ren dropped to his knees suddenly. “I…I miss you,” he nearly choked out.

My eyes widened. “I miss you too. But what are you doing? Get up.”

“I want to leave, but I want to stay at the same time because you’re here. I know that you’ll never be able to leave this world and go back…you’ll never have the chance to grow old and have children, be surrounded by your own kind…and the very idea of leaving and not seeing your face ever again- it tears me apart inside!” Tears streamed down his face.

“Oh, Ren…” I felt my own tears prickling my eyes.

“But even if I stayed, you couldn’t be mine, because you’re a gisaeng.”

At that moment, I knew I had to ask him. There was no going back now. “Do you love me?”

A scary silence followed, but then he slowly lifted his head to meet my eyes. “Yes. Yes, I do. I wasn’t sure of it before, but after so much time spending apart from you, I’m certain now.”

“You told me you thought it was only because of the bond,” I protested.

“But it feels real. How can a bond be so strong that it can cause my heart to flutter whenever you’re near? How can a bond be so strong that it can cause these feelings to stir inside of me, feelings I never felt before? Sulli, or Lee Nan Hyang, whoever you are, I know you feel it too. It’s not just me. It’s not just because of the bond, or you would feel the same way about V as you do about me.”

I suddenly went over to where he was on his knees and threw my arms around him. The rules didn’t matter to me anymore; I just needed to be there with him. In this moment, it was just the two of us, and nothing else mattered. When I slowly drew back, memories flooded my mind of the festival, when we’d danced together under those lights that twinkled like the stars, and when he’d held me in his gentle embrace, telling me not to cry. I did the same now.

“You’re too beautiful to cry,” I whispered in his ear, and wiped away all his tears.

Ren’s eyes reminded me of those lights, just like the stars. In them I saw his whole universe, his sorrow, pain, confusion, loss, regret, hope, and desire. I saw all of him. “I don’t want you dying for me.”

 “I’ve always got your back, Ren. No matter what. I’ll protect you until you’re home where you belong. I will gladly give up this world for you.”

Ren brushed my hair back, grazing the curve of my jaw. His thumb traced my skin, the heat of him sending shivers through me. He bent his head and then his lips were on mine, hair spilled against my forehead, sleek and soft. Everything else around us melted away. I wanted to stay in this moment forever, wishing so badly to freeze time right then and there, but I knew he had to leave. V was waiting for him outside.

“Can I come tomorrow to see you again?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

“See you, Sulli.” He left my room. I sat there alone; stunned by everything that had happened. Long after he had gone, the phantom heat lingered and haunted my dreams.