IX.

The sun washed over the floor still covered by beddings from nights spent fighting the cold and dire wanting. Little happened after the somewhat tense intimacy for as Kyungsoo resigned back into his shell; cautious and uneasy he made sure to stay busy and out of reach. If Chanyeol were to bring up the later occurring happenings he had decided to instantly dismiss them as invalid and lessen it all to normalcy; sitting in the warm library his mind declared war with his heart. It was tangled yet again since his thoughts were too tainted by forbidden projections, after all there was no way Chanyeol could ever feel the same; his outlook was different by default.

Yet Chanyeol could be found laying beneath piles of sheets with eyes shut tight. After finishing cleaning up he had collapsed into the softness filled with the younger’s scent; there were few occasion he could endeavor so shamelessly unnoticed. Pulling Kyungsoo’s pillow closer he let a small sigh escape; nothing was making much sense anymore; the closer he got the further Kyungsoo would back away soon after.

The sun warmed his arched frame and made nostalgia swirl within him; it was not the first nor the last time he would find pleasure in the smallness of Kyungsoo surrounding him. The apartment had steadily grown to become their haven lost among the dull buildings of the dull city. It was their green garden of Eden; their air pocket in the thick ice. Whether Kyungsoo ever were to share his love or not; Chanyeol was still certain the younger felt safe when locked behind the squeaky front door too. If anything such certainty gave him trust in the mess of not quite daring nor knowing. 

*** 

Days moved on as minutes passed by one by one. Kyungsoo could be found at the messy desk with his head caught up in formulas and calculations, whereas Chanyeol could be found gazing at the younger’s arched back through skewed glasses. They moved around in circles yet in an immediate intimacy. Bumping into each other, mumbling nothings and stealing glances were few of the too often used methods to still the wanting within.

Chanyeol devoted an reckless amount of time to just monitor the younger to re-run happenings during sleepless nights; forever trying to see the whole picture while silently savoring the sound of Kyungsoo’s faint breathing. Despite the blurred contours and diffuse colors Chanyeol couldn’t tame his heart enough to hinder the vivid images of dreaming. There was a fraction of space and time where it all could actually clash; a possibility for the flower to bloom. Whether it was due to his hunger, Chanyeol wasn’t too sure; all he knew was that there was something hiding in the softness behind Kyungsoo’s ribs. Something that was worth waiting for.

Kyungsoo sensed the growing crescendo as well; after all there was little to dismiss the not so oblivious gazes with, for as they occurred too often to be lessened. Whatever it was that coaxed Chanyeol to drift those few ounces too long; eyes shifting and eyelids drooping; it somehow couldn’t be measured by the common scales. Kyungsoo felt the shuddering air and the wavers of hopeless uncertainty mingling with youthful boldness. He felt the warmth seeping into his bones and color his marrow with undying coveting. Yet despite the unmistaken signs his heart was still too soar to ever cope with such truths.

Kyungsoo was laying splayed out on the squeaky couch reading for the upcoming exam by the time the lamp serving him light went out. Lowering the thick book he glared at the now blackened structure above with an annoyed frown. Why such thing happened when his towering roommate wasn’t present sure just served to be yet another proof that Kyungsoo’s luck was wearing thin. He could easily have moved over to his bed and use the spare IKEA lamp as a substituting resource though due to his stubborn nature found himself unable to leave it be; it was his home too after all. 

Setting the book aside he moved through the obscure room towards the messy kitchen drawers. Finding the spare lightbulb he climbed the couch on hesitant legs. He was not good with heights and finding out his efforts were in vain due to still not reaching just added weight to such fact. He groaned impatiently. 

As if on cue he could detect the faint sound of rustling keys and mere seconds later an exhausted Chanyeol appeared in the doorframe. Backlit by the still opened door he began gazing into the unlit apartment as he kicked off his shoes with a confused expression. Soon he noticed the younger standing on the couch watching him like a deer in headlight.

”Kyungsoo?” He chuckled on baritone chords. ”What are you doing?”

Sighing the said male tried to reach the malfunctioning lamp once more. ”I’m trying to change the lightbulb.”

Shutting the door and throwing his coat to the floor Chanyeol kept sniggering as he progressed into he room. ”Want me to help you out?”

With a pained exhale Kyungsoo lowered his shoulders with a wounded pride. 

” — Yeah.”

Chanyeol’s wide smile kept shining as he padded over to Kyungsoo who was examining the new lightbulb with an unconvinced frown. He tried to keep himself occupied as the older entered his orbiting. Chanyeol’s sudden embrace therefore shocked his system.

”What — What are you doing!?”

"Helping you! I'm not wearing my glasses today so I can't see it clearly."

Chanyeol’s arms were tightly wrapped around his lower thighs and as the taller hastily lifted him Kyungsoo was forced to stop his restraining squirming and grasp tuffs of hair instead. He didn’t want to fall and with Chanyeol’s extended height the landing wouldn’t be pleasant.

”Ouch! Don’t pull my hair! Can you reach it?”

Chanyeol’s muffled voice forced him to remember the initial task and reason for the awkward pose. With slow movements he loosened the harsh grip of the older’s locks and reached for the lamp above. He swallowed soundly and Chanyeol couldn’t help it but to let out a few deep chuckles. Kyungsoo could feel his hot breath against his left hip and could not decide if it was bliss or torture.

”Yeah. I can reach it.”

His voice was determined yet with wavers of fear; noticing Chanyeol tightened his hold. He swallowed a yearning sigh and waited patiently for Kyungsoo to change the lightbulb. He tried to steady his unforgivingly rapid heartbeats but knew too well the struggles were doomed to fail. Standing there it felt as if it would explode and a fraction of him wished it would; that way the misery could end.

Instead of an exploding heart there was an explosion of light. Letting out a huff of relief Kyungsoo’s hands now cradled the wasted bulb and slowly went back to grasping Chanyeol’s soft hair. 

”Okay, you can let me down.”

With his heart still racing Chanyeol found a gnarling worry overtake him; re-living the sweetness of breathing against Kyungsoo’s clothed skin had him dreading the span of time in-between for such occasion to take place again. Similar to a stray cat Kyungsoo would never integrate unless absolutely needing to. Chanyeol would patiently have to wait and such tasks had grown to become too dreadful. While drifting and feeling Kyungsoo’s pulse increase underneath his grip Chanyeol found himself unable to let go. His heart would never forgive him if he did. Slowly he let the younger slid down; Kyungsoo’s body forming along his.

Trying to stay unaffected by the almost unbearable intimacy Kyungsoo held his breath only to never be able to release the sigh of relief he was waiting for; instead of reaching the floor his feet found the couch. Though all movements were put to an halt once he leveled with Chanyeol’s face and the older tightened his hold; making him unable to escape. 

There was a drifting moment of silences where nothing but slight horrific gazes were exchanged. The sound of heartbeats was deafening and neither truly knew what to except nor believe. Waiting for the other to break the spell Kyungsoo’s restrained breathing was dizzying. He tried to speak, neglect and refuse but failed when seeing the undying gleam in the older’s eyes. Chanyeol looked enchanted; terrified yet certain of things still unknown to Kyungsoo who was drowning in the thick nothingness of helplessness. It was Chanyeol’s deep voice that brought him back ever so weakly.

”You were supposed to make a wish… I owed you a wish but you never — ”

There was a silence again where Kyungsoo’s widened eyes shifted to find clues in Chanyeol’s deep orbs. Kyungsoo wondered if the older was trembling ever so small due to the exhaustion of hoisting him or due to something else; something bigger.

”A wish?”

His words were mere breaths but Chanyeol’s pupils dilated as if on cue. A small joyless smile creeped upon his lips as tears gently bloomed in the corners of his eyes. He tried to laugh it off but there was no time for fabricated lightness as he soon found himself sigh softly. Swallowing thickly he blinked slow.

”Anything just — anything in this world — right just now.”

The grip around the old lightbulb became increasingly uncertain as the words echoed inside of Kyungsoo’s frail ribcage. He tried to swallow the suffocating clog growing at the base of his throat without succeeding. The world was turning; making gravity worthless against magnetism demanding to not be ignored for any longer.

With eyelids weakening for each fleeting moment Kyungsoo felt as if he was about to go under; like a supernova imploding upon himself and become the nothingness Chanyeol had learn to not meddle with. Wanting to unplug the explosive wires Chanyeol’s mouth opened only to be stilled as the younger’s lips were placed upon his. It was a stream of electricity; an bolt of every little word not daring to be uttered. Slow, sweet and faint. Yet deadly and life changing in all aspects and fragments of functioning from there on.