IV.

Chanyeol wasn’t doing too good during his physics class and one of the reasons was without much doubt due to him studying with Kyungsoo. It wasn’t his strongest subject to begin with so to add the layer of the younger’s presence to the already demaning task of grasping concepts was not an simple thing. Sitting close to Kyungsoo with thighs brushing ever so faint underneath the low paper covered table was a thrill. The way his lips moved and bitten fingertips turned pages was mesmerizing enough to make blood take an extra route to the older’s cheeks. Kyungsoo's deep brown eyes would look expectantly into his once they were near to solving an issue. Chanyeol had then rubbed his moist palms against the stiff fabric of his pants before grabbing a pencil of his own in a desperate attempt to make it seemed as if he had paid attention. Physics had become considerably harder.

They kept running into each other in school now and then and for each time there was a sense of relief visible in Kyungsoo; as if seeing Chanyeol made his muscles relax. Chanyeol would usually let his wide hands pat the younger’s narrow shoulder before dashing by to make it in time to his classes. It wasn’t until perhaps the third time in a row that Kyungsoo himself took notice in his own behavioristics. Perhaps there was something in Chanyeol that felt like home. 

They grew closer for each week that passed. Whether it be due to higher levels of acceptance or just simple appreciation of each other was hard to tell; but it was a true fact colored by the hazy scene of the two doing dishes while singing and laughing. Chanyeol splashed water on the younger as he stood there with his hands deeply buried in the foam and in both rage and playfulness Kyungsoo had begun splashing back. Sometimes childishness grasped them both and it the glowing gleam pushed them closer and closer in sheer oblivion. They ended up breathing heavily on the couch; Chanyeol covered in white bubbles scented by green apples weighing the younger down. Kyungsoo looked up as the backlit sunshine created a halo around his messy hair. Swallowing thickly he couldn’t help but to notice how adoring his heart had become when standing before his towering friend. In the drifting silence of wide smiles and laughter paling both felt something lingering that neither dared to believe was true. 

Later at night Chanyeol demanded a good-night hug that in Kyungsoo’s mind lasted a tiny hint too long. Falling asleep both struggled with the tugging of the swelling heart chambers. Trespassing Chanyeol found it harder and harder as Kyungsoo’s eyesmile continued to shine upon him; running around in circles he lost track of how he was supposed to see straight.

Due to Chanyeol’s affectionate side Kyungsoo more often than seldom had to endure moments of extreme self-awareness and discipline. With a focused facial expression he would allow the older to lean against his back; hanging laundry on the tallest strings while letting his torso brush against Kyungsoo’s frame. The gazes, laughs and touches set the younger’s senses on fire; his starving heart instantly free falling. He did not even dare to ever brush the thought of loving Chanyeol in his sober consciousness but in the luscious oblivion of sleep he found the older near and clear; his moist breath brushing against vital veins.

Creaking his eyelids open a few hours later always made him feel like a dreadful excuse of a being. Chanyeol was beyond bounds for more than one reason and he was not supposed to color him with the shades of his endless inability of eliminating the impossibilities. He constantly tried to look elsewhere; eyeing strangers on the subway to innocently fall for in his coveting but always in the end searching for traces of Chanyeol anyway. Suppressing the obvious each day only created yet another crack in the thick glass shielding him. Anxiety arose as he would trail the lightning like rifts with his fingertips; how long could it last until the scatter would cover the floor with it’s million pieces?

Seasons changed in the fading way they so often do; the humid summer winds slowly turning colder for each sigh sweeping through the tree crowns. Kyungsoo’s relationship with Minah was wearing thinner and through loud arguments on the phone the bond they still clung onto snapped.

Kyungsoo had been blank whereas she had cried; blaming him for never loving her; never wanting her. He had been unable to answer which only damaged even further. Both knew it was true by then yet the reasons for it all were still concealed by the storm raging above. Kyungsoo tried gently pull the ragged strings of the tangle mess but as soon as he begun she tasseled it even further. His words fell empty and weak as she helplessly demanded to know why he found her so undesirable.

The world grew darker and colder along with the frantic buzzing against Kyungsoo’s ear. She finally ended it all of with accusing him for probably "only liking anyway" and with the crackling sound of her hanging up Kyungsoo’s breath got stuck in his throat. Hyperventilating in the darkness of the lonely apartment he decided to never let anyone close again. Leaning his head back against the barricaded bathroom door he swore to never love.

That night he felt disgusting and spent most of the creeping darkness standing underneath their skewed shower nozzle; forever trying to wash away the guilt but forever failing. The ship had sunk, the cover was blown and now it was only matter of time before the bomb would set the world ablaze. With burning water scolding his skin he silently wished to sink through the cracks of the poorly tiled floor. It was all over by now anyway.

Chanyeol was worried but knew better than to near Kyungsoo with anything less than patience and silence. He took over the task of nursing and helplessly watched Kyungsoo merely finish half a plate before soullessly escaping back to his creased bed. It was a lucky thing finals had passed before the breakup invaded the younger’s life for as he surely would have failed it all in such state. 

Chanyeol tried his best to not rush Kyungsoo out of his low but for each day that passed he got increasingly more impatient. It hurt to see him hurt but it perhaps hurt even more knowing it was because of losing her. Hidden away while doing laundry he couldn’t help it but to push his nose into the folds of Kyungsoo’s wrinkled t-shirt. Inhaling his scent was meant to stop the open rift across his heart from ripping further; but it only seemed as if he created an even greater damage. Warm teardrops clung to his eyelashes as he pressed the fabric closer. The card castle they had build had been blown over Minah; her shouting exhale had created ruins in them all. With a grip growing tighter Chanyeol took a steadying breath before parting from the now wetted clothing. He tossed it into the washing machine along with the rest and soon spent minutes drifting on just watching it loop; washing away the evidence of his desperate tears from Kyungsoo’s clothes.