V.

Things quite never seemed to fully repair after that night Chanyeol came home to an unlit apartment with Kyungsoo hidden away in the shower with no intentions of replying when spoken to. He had naively decided to keep such fashion if it wasn’t for the persistent panicky questioning of his roommate which soon made him dimly admit that Minah had broken up with him.  

Despite the instinctual rush of joy upon hearing the news he had been waiting for ever since the day Kyungsoo’s relationship status was brought to his attention; Chanyeol could not enjoy the small victory for long. Something was different; a fog lingering in the air forbidding him for nearing his slowly fading friend. The obliviously granted intimacy had vanished to be replaced with a hesitant cowardice; he was yet again only allowed to look but not by any means touch. On the few occasions he tried pushing back the lines he found Kyungsoo instantly drawing new ones; this time with a thick sharpie.

Reaching the 12th day of Kyungsoo’s low Chanyeol found himself not bearing to meet his hollow gaze for any longer. Sitting on the old couch trying to find some joy in an overrun friday sitcom Chanyeol eyed him hesitantly through his smudged glasses. Kyungsoo was wrapped in his duvet; only his head and pale face sticking up revealing an unamused expression. Shifting uncomfortably in hopes of building confidence to confront the younger; Chanyeol drew a large somewhat shaky inhale.

”Kyungsoo. We need to talk.”

Eyes widened in terror the said male turned to Chanyeol with a deep frown. He cleared his throat yet the voice that came lacked resonance.

”Talk about what?”

”You… and this thing you're stuck in.”

Kyungsoo’s frown intensified and his eyes quickly shifted back to the TV screen; unable to face Chanyeol wearing such pained expression. Despite knowing it was an inevitable discussion his stomach turned in worry. He cleared his throat again but with an equally measly result. 

”I got dumped, you already know that.”

Chanyeol inhaled sharply but the reply got stuck and in it’s absence he shifted closer; Kyungsoo flinched once the older's broad hand hesitantly placed it’s weight on his slopping shoulder; the warmth soon spread through the fabric. A drifting silences took place of neither knowing how to carry on.

”I just feel like it’s something else too and… I’m scared that I’ve done something wrong since you — ”

”You haven’t so don’t think about it.” Kyungsoo cut him off; his voice both stern yet utterly powerless all at once. Knots formed on his cords and talking became increasingly harder. Chanyeol was awfully quiet too; careful to not harm the younger more than needed for as he was visibly growing more uncomfortable with breathing. 

”Still… If I had, you’d tell me right?”

No reply came due to Kyungsoo’s throat getting clogged with thick despair. Focusing on blinking away the blooming tears threatening to fall because of the days of extended helplessness; he once again felt like sinking through the floor. When the defenses lastly scattered he wordlessly stood and retreated to the safety spot pressed up against the locked bathroom door. It wasn’t until he settled there when he let his burning eyes rest; his grey t-shirt dotted with tears.

Anxiety turned within him like a vulture; growing and spreading steadily like a cancer set out to kill. He desperately tried to keep his mind blank but in the cramped void Chanyeol’s words echoed loudly; making the strangling nausea blind him with burning tears streaming from his bloodshot eyes. It felt as if his ribcage was caving in like a house being smashed to pieces; large roaring machines tearing through the roof; destroying the kitchen, the bedrooms, the livingroom. Biting the back of his hand to resist the urge of exploding Kyungsoo wanted to think of anything but Chanyeol. Trembling mercilessly as heartbreak swallowed him whole Kyungsoo failed miserably at doing just that.

Being left without as much as a gaze all Chanyeol could do was listen to the bathroom door creaking shut and lock followed by the faint sound of a body slowly slipping down against it. Fighting against the close to overpowering want of following the younger to cover up for the damage he had created Chanyeol began pacing hopelessly as so many other times. Digging his fingers through his hair he tried to come up with ways of not breaking into the bathroom for as he knew the younger was far from okay. Exhaling sharp and frustratedly he grabbed his coat and went out; desperate for air and for a bus to hit him. At least such thing would match hopelessness within.

Roaming through the streets Chanyeol found himself chasing truths unwilling to be grasped. Persistent November rain soaked his clothes and with lungs thickening due to worry he searched for gentle words to repair Kyungsoo. He felt gushing guilt wash over him for letting such a forbidden love steer him so harshly towards claiming the younger. Chanyeol knew he had done wrong, terribly so; and for that he felt worse than awful. His fists clenched hard as he grew more steadily aware of the situation; he would have to strangle the teenage aching of his heart if he ever wished to be granted the right to near Kyungsoo again. Miserable he quickened his pace; as if he could run away from such facts. 

He knew the younger’s brittle heart was not his to neither rush nor pressure yet he now found himself facing a wall in dire need of pure destruction. Kyungsoo was caught and whether it was because of Minah or him or anything or anyone at all Chanyeol could no longer hindering himself from interfering. Seeing the younger this raw perhaps created bigger wounds on Chanyeol than Kyungsoo.

Coming home to the apartment unlit once more felt like a déjà vu he was unwilling to relive. He was soaked to the bone from wandering for nearly an hour desperate to find a solution nowhere to be seen. Letting the heavy coat slip off his body onto the floor he fumbled his way through the dark; his icy finger’s sweeping along the back of the couch here it all snapped. Reaching the bedroom a faint streetlight shone it’s yellow light onto the cramped set of beds; one empty and one shielding a small and very tender Kyungsoo.

Hurting at the scanty scene Chanyeol made his way over to the bed opposite of his and drifted for a while simply gazing down at the bulging sheets. Sighing ever so soft he sat down with dim eyes; his weight making the younger sway and even further hyperaware of his roommate’s presence. Kyungsoo could already feel the anxiety wash over him once more.

Again a broad hand was placed upon Kyungsoo’s shoulder but this time with no warmth to offer. Trembling from perhaps both the cold and tension the older gave a reassuring squeeze before clearing his throat.

”I-I’m sorry.”

A compressed silenced followed but Chanyeol noticed a slight change underneath his palm; knowing that Kyungsoo was listening he painstakingly continued. 

”I pushed you too hard b-but… I wished you could lean more on me. We’re friends, right?”

The word ’friends’ shot a vital bullet through them both. They knew it was needed for the latter; though for themselves the wound grew wider; heartache was inevitable after all.

Letting out a shaky sigh the younger moved ever so slow from under the thick duvet. With his gaze still turned away from his wide-eyed roommate he sat up; shoulder lower than usual. He cleared his throat but it was dense and his voice still hoarse from crumbling.

”It’s okay. I-I’m okay, don’t worry.”

With his gaze set at the creases in the sheets he missed Chanyeol’s pained frown that grew visibly deeper.

”If that’s true, why won’t you look at me?”

Chanyeol’s voice held a sullen and deep tone that set a tremble to roam through Kyungsoo’s frame. Swallowing thickly the younger’s eyes slowly wander upwards too soon meet Chanyeol’s only to ger crushed with both deep regret and despair. He didn’t even notice the large teardrops that dripped down and landed heavily amongst the sheets.

What he did notice was Chanyeol leaning forward grasping him softly yet reassuringly before bringing him into a somewhat damp embrace. What a mess; everything from Chanyeol’s wet locks and determinate frown to Kyungsoo’s bloodshot eyes and helpless tears. 

Chanyeol sighed and shifted his lanky body alongside of Kyungsoo’s smaller and as every time intimacy was shared his stubborn teenage heart set off in a quicker pace but this time he recklessly wished for it to stop. The younger cried soundlessly; too exhausted and wounded to push the taller away. Staring into nothingness he leaned against Chanyeol; soaking his already wetted t-shirt with warm tears. 

”Everything is going to be okay.” Chanyeol’s voice hummed. His adam’s apple vibrating against the younger’s forehead and who closed his eyes trying to stop the pain from growing. ”I promise.”

Kyungsoo felt another wave of despair wash over him for he knew the truth; nothing was ever going to be okay. Sitting flushed up against Chanyeol had never made him feel more distant; feeling Chanyeol’s heart beat against his had never been more dreadful. ’Friends.’

Nothing was ever going to be okay.