(Hozier - "Take Me To Church")

 

 

 

“My lover's got humor,

She's the giggle at a funeral.

Knows everybody's disapproval,

I should've worshipped her sooner.”

 

 

 

I sit rather awkwardly in front of my friends, with Irene beside me. It is cold. The room is cold, the air is cold, my hands and my body are cold. 

 

 

Technically, Seulgi, Joy and Yeri are seeing a ghost with their own eyes. And it is natural for them to be scared. I understand. And I miss them. I didn’t realize how I miss them until I saw their faces again.

 

 

“I miss you, unnie.” The youngest, often means the boldest, Yeri decides to break the ice. 

 

 

“Wendy, don’t leave us again.” Joy follows, that little devil. “I miss you and your food.” Making me smile for the first time. 

 

 

Seulgi is the last. She has been my best friend since high school. Life doesn’t seem to be good for her after my death too. She bites her lower lips and says, “Wendy-ah, can I…… hug you?”

 

 

I smile bitterly looking at her, “You can but …. I am cold.”

 

 

 

Seulgi slowly but firmly approaches her dear friend, to my welcoming arms. She engulfs me in her bear hug, probably reminding herself that I am still here, “Let me warm you up.” 

 

 

“Thanks.” I hug her back almost immediately. Her grip is so strong, as if she is merging me into her. “I’ll be seeing you girls soon.”

 

 

“Really?” Joy is a little excited, with Yeri nodding along waiting for my confirmation.

 

 

“I am not sure how it works but-” I spare a glance at Irene whom has been fiddling with her fingers on her lap. “I will come back, alive, as a person.”

 

 

“Yes, please.” Seulgi wipes her little tears and breaks the hug.

 

 

I should really come back. I miss everyone. I miss spending time with them like this. I miss those times when I could still share warmth and laughters with them, “So, how about me cooking for you girls tonight?”

 

 

Irene finally smiles as the girls cheer.

 

 

 

 

 

- 

 

 

 

 

 

Irene is trying to sleep. But she can’t. Maybe because she is afraid that I would leave her once she is asleep. She doesn’t want me to go. Perhaps she is afraid that I ain’t coming back once I am gone.

 

 

She isn’t letting me go this time. She has already lost me once. So maybe she does love me.

 

 

“Seungwan.”

 

 

“Yes?” I look to her side and she is still facing the other side. The moonlight isn't bright enough to let me take a look on her face. I think she still looks flawless. 

 

 

And I am constantly worrying if I would make her catch a cold or something. I try not to touch her, or be too close to her. 

 

 

After all, my heart doesn’t beat and my blood isn’t warm.

 

 

 

“If the Heavens ever did speak,

She is the last true mouthpiece.

Every Sunday's getting more bleak,

A fresh poison each week.

'We were born sick,' you heard them say it.”

 

 

 

I wait. And she shuts suddenly. I wonder, why. I then softly caress her hair as I adjust my sitting position on our bed. I have been sitting here for hours and I am not tired at all. Ghosts normally don’t have feelings.

 

 

But, I still do. I constantly have illusions that my heart is still pounding in my chest and my breathing is still visible in the cold. 

 

 

I can still feel the happiness, the rage, the sadness; I can still smile and cry. What has she done to me?

 

 

 

“Is it dangerous?” Irene carefully mutters with her soft voice. Like velvet, it is smooth, it is pleasant. “Is it dangerous for you to get your life back? Do you have to kill someone?”

 

 

It makes me contemplate for a while, “I guess it doesn’t matter because I am dead already.” I can’t die twice, right?

 

 

Irene chooses to stay quiet again. Then I know it is not the answer she wants.

 

 

“Joohyun-ah,” I know she must be listening. “It’s hard but I’m doing this for us, for you, for all of us. There’s no other way.”

 

 

And finally, she turns and clutches onto me as if I was her dear life, “Then I’ll be waiting.”

 

 

She isn’t letting me go. I can feel the warmth emitting from her. I can see the goosebumps on her skin. She still isn’t letting go. Sometimes I am confused. Sometimes she is like cleansing my every sin but sometimes she is like the cause of my every sin. 

 

 

Like I used to think our love is a sin, she is a sin. It is wrong, we shouldn’t have begun, we should hide. She used to be brave, but gradually we were both crashed by the weight.

 

 

I reach out for her and response her embrace. So she clutches onto me more, tighter. Isn’t she cold? It has been a long time since she has initiated such intimacy. She has changed a lot since my death, perhaps, because of my death too.

 

 

She touches me and kisses me. Her skin is so close to mine.

 

 

So I stop her and ask her, “Don’t you feel cold?”

 

 

“You still don’t understand.” She smiles as her hands are still on me. 

 

 

I watch her and I can’t do anything. I am not weak but it’s like I am under a spell, I don’t even attempt to stop her anymore.

 

 

 

“My church offers no absolutes,

She tells me 'worship in the bedroom’.

The only heaven I'll be sent to,

Is when I'm alone with you.

I was born sick, but I love it,

Command me to be well.”

 

 

 

I stay. And I am not scared anymore.

 

 

So she can finally sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

I meet Xavier as it is daybreak. We check and the Mayor is not in his mansion. We carry on and leave him a gift anyway.

 

 

“Do you think he’s gonna show up?” I look at the box one more time as we are about to exit the unreasonably huge house.

 

 

“Men with sins are easily scared.” Xavier replies as he is looking at his wine collection. “He is not gonna let you walk away if he sees that. He doesn’t know it is you anyway.”

 

 

“He is just a protective father.” I can’t help but sigh. How would things end up like this? It all starts with a rich girl turning a junkie and sleeping around. It ends up with people dying and running and turning against one another.

 

 

“His daughter ended up in that way, it’s more or less because of him.” Xavier explains. I can almost feel the anger in his voice. “Don’t go easy on him. He is corrupt.”

 

 

I think he is angry with me. I should have made up my mind ages ago.

 

 

 

“If I'm a pagan of the good times,

My lover's the sunlight.

To keep the Goddess on my side,

She demands a sacrifice.”

 

 

 

“I guess you are right.” I turn my gaze to the morning sky. The sun has just come up. Everything is brightened up a little. “He’s our best shot.”

 

 

“Now, let’s pay the club owner a visit.” Xavier offers.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t know it would end up in this way. 

 

 

He was charging on me and I was totally shocked. In a reflex action, I blocked his attack and it ended up with me pushing him onto the wall. I didn’t know ghosts, or I, could be this powerful. I smashed him onto the wall. He was severely injured and he pulled out a gun. Xavier handed me a knife so I stabbed him right in his heart. It was precise because I have the knowledge.

 

 

I didn’t know I could kill a man.

 

 

He didn’t even struggle. My stab was indeed more than precise. He didn’t even have the chance to fight back. I killed him. I didn’t know what drove me. I watched him fell on the ground, I watched his blood flooding the floor.

 

 

 

“To drain the whole sea,

Get something shiny,

Something meaty for the main course,

That's a fine looking high horse.

What you got in the stable ?

We've a lot of starving faithful.”

 

 

 

I got blood on my hands now.

 

 

“It looks like we got to have the Mayor.” Xavier studies the body and concludes. “Since nothing happened after you killed him.”

 

 

I am certainly not calm as Xavier and I nearly shout to his inexpressive face. “I killed him.” 

 

 

“Yes, and you are still here. That’s the main point, Wendy.”

 

 

“I’d never kill someone.” I stare at those bloody hand in fear and can’t stop blabbering. 

 

 

The feeling is surreal. The feeling when the silver knife plunged into his flash and it turned red. The feeling when he stopped moving and breathing. The feeling when his eyes stared at you in fury then fear, lastly, went empty.

 

 

 

“Easy, you’ll be fine. You won’t be arrested or anything. I will clean up this mess.” Xavier notices my uneasiness and reassure me. “He is guilty anyway….  We have less work to do now. ”

 

 

And he goes back on writing something on his ledger.

 

 

I don’t know what to do if all it takes is to stab another man into his heart. I don’t know if I could do it once more. 

 

 

I have an urge to wash those blood away from my hands. I thought I am used to death, I thought I knew how it feels like, I thought I could handle it. But now, there is. Everything is heavier than I thought.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

Here I stand. In front of him. Face to face.

 

 

“Do you know who I am?” I look at his fearful face. He has showed up with dozens of men but are taken down by Xavier in a minute. 

 

 

He, the Mayor, is hunted down by nearly everyone in the city. The good, the bad. Everyone wants a piece of his meat on their desk. He thought he was the hunter but he is just another prey.

 

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be dead ? I saw the papers….…”

 

 

I see him reaching out for his back but I don’t care. This is it. He is mine. “Yes, I am. And I am taking you with me.” I manage to lift a smile. “Look around, you’re not going anywhere.” 

 

 

I have lured him to the abandoned house that Kwon used to stay in the outskirt’s slum.

 

 

 

“I’m just doing my job, as a father. I can’t let people know what happened on her.” He screams and aims a gun at my head. Don’t they ever understand you can’t just shoot a dead person?

 

 

“You did much more.” I raise my hand in the air but keep marching towards him. “You broke families. You threatened Kwon. It’s you who is behind all these. You killed me.”

 

 

“Stop at where you are!”

 

 

“Or?”

 

 

“I will shoot!”

 

 

“Go ahead. But I am not going to kill you unless you don’t cooperate.”

 

 

He loosens his grip on the gun and his finger moves away from the trigger. It’s night and the lighting is dim. But I can still see the sweat on his face. He deserves it, I told myself.

 

 

 

“Take me to church,

I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies.

I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife,

Offer me that deathless death.

Good God, let me give you my life.”

 

 

 

“Admit every crime you have done to the Police.” I pauses and check. Xavier is not back yet. “Then I will spare you your life.”

 

 

“It is worse than killing me!” He is ready to pull the trigger again, gritting his teeth.

 

 

And he fires his gun. It blinds me a little and the bullet goes through me. He fires a few more shots. He has no aiming at all. 

 

 

“.” It’s Xavier’s voice.

 

 

Then I see smoke.

 

 

 

“What have you done?” He screams again. 

 

 

“It’s not me.” I groan and Xavier appears.

 

 

“Holy .” The old man is peeing his pants.

 

 

Xavier glares at him, “One of them shot the stove. You know how primitive this house could be. It is getting on fire.”

 

 

“Can you stop it?” I keep my eyes on the old dude too. “I am still dealing with him.”

 

 

“I will try. Be quick. Or the Police is coming.” 

 

 

“Okay.”

 

 

“What are you guys ” He throws away his gun and starts off running away from me.

 

 

“Someone died because of you. I bet there are more.” I grab his collar easily. “Someone you should never mess with.”

 

 

“Please…… ” He pleads and cough. The smoke is not stopping. I thought Xavier can take care of the fire. “If you were me, you would have done the same.”

 

 

“No,” I lift him up since his knee are weak. I look into his eyes and I can feel my heart beating fast. This is really it. “It is not supposed to be like this.”

 

 

I could not say I was living a good life. I could not say I would not kill anyone. I could not say I am not numbed. I could not. Maybe me and him are not different. Maybe my death isn’t that bad after all. Do I really have the right to kill him?

 

 

 

“Turn yourself in!” I throw him on the ground. I see the fire behind him. “Or else, you will burn to death in this house.”

 

 

Where does Xavier go?

 

 

“Let me go! I can’t let them take me!” He begs kneeling. “I would give you money, anything you want.”

 

 

“Don’t you know it doesn’t matter to me?” I punch him right in his face. I can feel the pain. “Give me back my life!”

 

 

 

I land punches after punches on him. He keeps rolling around in pain. I don’t know if I am doing it for justice or I am just another devil. My knuckles hurt but I don’t mean to stop. I feel like I can punch him to death right here.

 

 

I bet my eyes are red. 

 

 

Until I feel an immense pain from my abdomen. I look and there is blood. He shot me. Somehow he managed to get his gun back in chaos and he managed to shoot me. 

 

 

I don’t understand. And he doesn’t stop neither. He puts another bullet into my shoulder before taking off since we are surrounded by fire. , did i jinx it?

 

 

How great. It hurts. And my limbs are wobble. I know I have lost too much blood.

 

 

 

“No masters or kings when the ritual begins,

There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin,

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene.

Only then I am human,

Only then I am clean.”

 

 

 

I can feel I am dragged by someone, and I am out of the burning house.

 

 

I can see Xavier choking the Mayor to death and the man laid down beside me. Maybe it is over.

 

 

 

“Wendy, can you hear me?” Xavier gently pats my cheek. It’s the first time I see him so worried. “I didn’t know how but I wouldn’t let you die twice. He is dead now, it's fine. And don't move.”

 

 

“So……” I think it could be my last breath. “Did I get my life back and lose it again?”

 

 

“No.” He firmly answers. “It couldn’t be. It’ll be the last time I see you. And, I’m glad to meet you.”

 

 

“Me too.” I weakly smile towards him.

 

 

“Goodbye, Wendy.” He smiles too.

 

 

 

“Wendy !”

 

 

I hear someone shouting. Xavier takes the body and vanishes. I am still dying.

 

 

Irene appears as I am ready to close my heavy eyelids. I think I must be having delusions.

 

 

“Oh my god. How come!” She holds my body which is turning cold again. What a pity. “I tracked you down and I met Xavier. He told me everything. Why are y-” She talks really fast when she is nervous. This speed, I think she is breaking down.

 

 

I stop her. I pull her face closer but I can feel my eyes are closing. I thought I would be alright. He is dead now. What wrongdoings in my life is yet to be corrected? I don’t understand at all.

 

 

I have promised her.

 

 

“I love you.” I think I should say it now or I may not have the chance. I know I have always loved her. I know it when I witnessed her in that bathtub.

 

 

I can’t hear what she said afterwards. I hope she said she loves me too.

 

 

It doesn’t feel like dying however. It feels different when I was shot a moment ago. It feels like floating. 

 

 

Maybe Irene is the biggest mistake in my life, our love to be exact.

 

 

I close my eyes and I see a light.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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