(Song: Fall Out Boy - "Jet Pack Blues" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtgiP95ikIE )

 

 

 

 

“I got those jet pack blues,

Just like Judy, 

The kind that makes June feel like September,

I'm the last one that you'll ever, remember.

 

And I'm trying to find that peace of mind,

Behind these two white highway lines.

When the city goes silent,

The ringing in my ears gets violent.”

 

 

 

“I’d never expected how everything is much simpler than we thought it should be.”  I stand rather expressionlessly in the graveyard, surrounded by all sorts of corpses and spirits. I don’t know how exactly I should feel now. 

 

 

It just rained. I could smell the petrichor from the freshened soil and grass. I like this smell like how Irene likes detergent. It awakens me like some freshly brewed coffee aroma. 

 

 

Xavier leans on a tombstone staring at the words craved on it, “I don’t understand human. But there’s one thing I do know - men are often killed by themselves. I don’t mean other men. I mean the never-ending desires, ambitions, abhorrence that eventually kill a man himself.” 

 

 

I unknowingly tighten my clutch on my black leather jacket, I feel cold. “What should I do now? Do I still have to revenge, still have to kill?”

 

 

“You can still choose from her father, Kwon and that club owner. She wasn’t as innocent as it seemed but it doesn’t mean she is the only guilty one. They are all responsible for her, and your death.”

 

 

“They got blood on their hands.” I softly mumble towards the grass underneath my feet. As if I am talking to them.

 

 

“Most importantly, yours.” He paces along the graveyard and studies the tombstones one by one. “You don’t belong here. You belong to the world outside. Your name is not on my list.”

 

 

I start working my brain, and think of someone as I run through my own list, “I want to see my parents.”

 

 

“Now?” Xavier buttons his coat. “In this state?”

 

 

“Now.” 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

Yeri the kid went back to their dorm with Seulgi and Joy stays. She said she has to keep a close eye on me in case I “do something stupid again”.

 

 

I have just finished all the housework and cleaned the house thoroughly. Since I was too idle to do so in the past weeks. I thought I would die and rot with dust and rubbish burying me in this empty so-called home.

 

 

“So you are sitting here waiting for her to come back.” Joy fiddles with the feather duster as I assigned her to clean Wendy’s work room.

 

 

“Well,” I look around and research for any traits of her. “I can’t call her, I can’t run aimlessly on the streets to find a ghost. I can’t do much.”

 

 

 

Now I finally know she is not mine to begin with. I had the illusions that she was mine when she said she loved me too. And as a selfish person, I wasn’t hers neither. 

 

 

I was afraid, scared by my love towards her and how people would see it. I even went to see someone else. What kind of sinner I am? Screw those romantic big words. We don’t simply owe somebody in a relationship.  

 

 

Love afflicts us in all ways and sometimes we lose.

 

 

Wendy tried her best catering to me and she has every right on earth to throw me away.  But I let her down. All I can do is wait, wait for her decree. 

 

 

 

“I want to see Wendy-unnie. I miss her.” Joy puts down the duster and picks up a photo frame from her desk.

 

 

“She would come back.” I answer firmly. She promised me.

 

 

None of the girls knew that I “cheated”. Maybe they would not be so supportive to me if they found out.

 

 

They all love me and Wendy. But deep down, I know my flaws and my scars made me a less likable person.

 

 

While Wendy, dear Wendy, is always the ray of Sunshine for everyone.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

I quietly sit on the carpeted floor, watching them watching TV. I can’t let them know yet. And I know they aren’t really watching that crappy cooking show.

 

 

What could be worse when your daughter is said to be dead and her body is never found? They always say, they would always welcome me to come back if life gets tough. They doubted Irene, which is again understandable.

 

 

My parents treasure me so much and they respect my every decision. They are practically the best and now I have made them sad. Not exactly the first time but like the forth time or something. After I chose to study forensics, left the country for a job, and being together with Irene.

 

 

 

I promised them I would bring Irene here for Christmas this year. And Christmas is approaching. 

 

 

It starts to snow here. It reminds me a little of those stupid snowball fights we had when I was small. We were so happy. 

 

 

I should have been a better daughter. I guess. If I have a second chance, I should. There are some many things I should have done. I didn’t realize all these things before I died. Dead men are wise, perhaps. I am flawed too. And I was, I am, broken.

 

 

 

I step out of the house and see Xavier smiling towards Maxwell, our Australian Shepard, in our backyard. He barks as soon as he sees me. So dogs can really see things from the other dimensions.

 

 

Not wanting to disturb my parents, I shush him and gently rubs his back like I used to.

 

 

“I see you two get along well.” I laugh.

 

 

“He’s a good dog. I kinda like him.”

 

 

“He has eyes like yours.” 

 

 

“Well thank you.” He chuckles along, and pets Maxwell’s furry head.

 

 

“Hey buddy, see you later. Take care of them for me in the meantime, okay?” I says to Maxwell before I return to where I belong.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

“Kwon has turned himself in.” Xavier announces while we are on the rooftop.

 

 

“He would be a state witness.” I rub my hands in the cold. “I have dropped a little gift for our prosecutor. Kwon and his family would be safe. And they would start to hunt the club owner and the Mayor down.”

 

 

“Good job. We had beaten the grass too hard last time and startled the snake. We should do something with the Mayor, fast.”

 

 

“Agree. I have come up with a plan, wanna hear?”

 

 

“Sure.”

 

 

“Just to let you know that it’s nice to meet you after all.”

 

 

“Me too, Wendy.”

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

“I've got those jet pack blues,

Fight off the light tonight and just stay with me,

Honey, don't you leave.

 

Don't you remember how we used to slip a drink?

It never mattered what it was,

I think our hands were just that close,

The sweetness never lasted, no.”

 

 

 

I wander on the streets, hoping to meet the spirit of the Mayor’s daughter somehow. I have questions for her. Like does she know her mistakes cost lives ? Does she know how her father put his job at risk to cover up her dirty secrets behind her death?

 

 

I guess she would never know how her death would leave such an impact. Neither do I. I thought moving on from my death would be easy. I thought Joohyun could carry on.

 

 

The meaning of life is given by death. Now I see. And suddenly, I miss my old job when I was alive. Maybe I wasn’t born to be an ordinary artist.

 

 

People begin to flood the streets. It’s dinner time. Maybe I should go home.

 

 

 

“She's in a long black coat tonight,

Waiting for me in the downpour outside.

She's singing "Baby come home" in a melody of tears,

While the rhythm of the rain keeps time.

 

And I remember "Baby, come home”……”

 

Did you ever love her ? Do you know ?

Or did you never want to be alone ?

 

And she was singing "Baby, come home”,

I remember "Baby, come home”……. ”

 

 

 

I liked listening to music whenever I was working. I still like them. But I changed my taste. I used to like ballads and now I like those fiercer ones like soft rock and even rap. I like their expressiveness.

 

 

I can totally imagine blasting Fall Out Boy’s albums while riding on a motorcycle. I think I am totally out of my mind right now. Yes, maybe I am changing.

 

 

 

So I go home and find Irene sleeping on the couch. The TV control is still laying on her palm. Then I check the rubbish bin and there are no signs of her cooking or having take-away.

 

 

I orchestrate my words before softly shaking her shoulder and waking her up, “Joohyun-ah, why don’t you eat?”

 

 

She flashes a timid smile blinking, “I fell asleep while I was thinking what to eat.”

 

 

“Where are the girls? Why didn’t you eat with them? You can’t lock yourself here forever.”

 

 

“I won’t when you really come back.” Her grin grows slightly wider. “Your nagging ahjumma side is back though.”

 

 

I swiftly fish her phone out from her pocket, “Whatever. I am calling them over.”

 

 

“No……. ” She tries to get it back. “I want to spend time with you.”

 

 

“Don’t be such a kid.” I finish typing in the messages.

 

 

She glares at me with her plaintive eyes, “I have been waiting for you.”

 

 

“Uhm.”

 

 

“You are really coming back, are you?”

 

 

“I said I would, didn’t I?” I hand her phone back and look into her eyes.

 

 

Irene switches her gazes back and forth from me and the coffee table, “I accidentally read something when I cleaned your room today.”

 

 

I remain perfectly calm since I am not hiding anything. I have even showed her the portrait. “What is that something?”

 

 

“It’s your old sketchbook. I was appreciating your paintings and then I saw some of your dairy entries there as well.” She reaches out to get the sketchbook and starts flipping pages. “You don’t remember writing this, do you?”

 

 

“I was thinking if I should break up with you then.” I smile a little after reading my own words. “But it’s easier said then done. I can’t do it.”

 

 

“Seungwan, I’m so sorry.” She stands up facing me, cupping my face with her cold hands. “I should have known about your feelings earlier.”

 

 

“I don’t remember all those things. I don’t need to.” I turn around and put the sketchbook away. “I just remember those times when the kisses our lips raw with love, when you gave me everything you had and when I offered you what was left of me.”

 

 

“Thank you for coming back to me.” She slips her arms around my waist from behind. “And welcome home.”

 

 

“You’re welcome.” I intertwine our fingers. “Oh, I can’t wait to meet the girls again.”

 

 

“We all miss you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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