(Song : Justin Timberlake - "Amnesia")

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“I can see your breathing, girl, it’s colder,

I can see you need me but I don't care.

 

My whole memory of me and love,

Have gone so far from me, girl, it’s not fair.

 

I could feel it almost start to change,

But then it hurts too much,

That's when it starts to fade.”

 

 

 

She is holding my hands and it feels real. It is real, she is real, only that I cannot feel her warmth anymore.

 

I didn’t realize that at first. Like I didn’t realize we had been falling apart a long time ago. I thought it was because what we had has died out. She used to hold me in my sleep, when it was cold, when I was home after a long day, when I needed it. 

 

It was warm. 

 

But then, I remember she is dead.

 

 

It was just another day when she died, just another day I had to work, just another day we had a fight the night before, just another day we ignored each other even when we were living under the same roof.

 

We, at least me, always blurted out mindless words that made things worse. But I never meant to. I’m sorry, Wendy. That’s why I always say sorry to you.

 

 

I didn’t want to let go but I was finding reasons why we would end up in this way, I tried to find a solution for all of this.

 

I was tired and I got scared.

 

What if the future is even harsher for us? What if we were wrong from the start?

 

 

And you must have sensed that too. For you gradually stopped nagging me not to skip meals, holding me in my sleep, asking my whereabouts.

 

Were you tired too? I’m sorry Wendy. I could not make it in time.

 

Or, you did not wait for me. Or, I have already missed so many times, so many chances.

 

 

I buried myself in work and I ignored all your calls. I thought we needed the time. I thought I had to work harder so that no more colleagues of mine would dare to gossip about my relationships behind my back.

 

When I finally picked up the goddamn phone, it was no longer you on the other side. When I finally got back to your side, it was no longer you looking at me with sorrowful eyes, it was no longer you greeting me with complete silence and steady breathing. 

 

I’m so sorry Wendy. I missed my chances, I did not even get to see you for the last time.

 

You just left me and everything behind. They said it’s because you went back to save the others, you could have escaped yourself.

 

 

Your parents came to see me. When was the last time you saw them? Was it when you brought me to have a dinner with them at Christmas?

 

They hugged me, which reminded me of you. But they aren’t you after all. And then they asked me if I needed anything.

 

I didn’t. I didn’t care they wanted to take you back to your homeland if they ever find your body.

 

 

I need you, alive, safe and sound. I need you to tell me what to do. I need you to help me.

 

I was confused and lost. But now you are gone, things only get worse.

 

 

I wanted to find myself but I lost you on the way. There is no hope of finding ourselves until we lose ourselves.

 

I wondered if it was just a phrase. You. I wondered if you were a phrase in my life. 

 

You had made me realized love is unbounded and numbing. 

 

 

I was lost. Then you were lost too.

 

Was a part of me gone with you?

 

If you were really just a phrase, I wasn’t sure whether I could make it through. 

 

 

I found myself regretting.

 

While staying strong for the people who cared for me, and wetting my pillows when I evaded everything and snuggled up on our bed. I tried to let your death numb me like your love did. I counted seconds and minutes. I searched the traces of you.

 

 

And you came back.

 

You are holding my hands again.

 

 

Are you giving me another chance?

 

Are you coming back, to me?

 

 

The coldness of your hands reminds me that you are gone.

 

But the softness in your eyes tells me that you are back.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

You smile as you let my hand go. 

 

“Wendy?” I am so pitiful that I cry again. Somehow it doesn't tire me out from having called for you thousands of times.

 

I thought you were just another dream or an imagination from my frantic mind, that you would fade away eventually. But you perch in front of the window like you always do. Vague sunlight showers down on your face, and it doesn’t hold your face like it always does.

 

You look twilit somehow.

 

 

“Joohyun-ah, how are you?” There you speak so calmly but still sound so genially.

 

I let my tears stream down while orchestrating a decent answer.

 

 

You probably have waited enough and turned back around, “Joohyun-ah, why don’t you talk to me? Are you mad at me?”

 

I look up to see you and you are staying where you are.  “Why?”

 

 

“Why what?” You frown a little and my tongue ties a little.

 

“Why did you go? And why did you come back?”

 

 

Your eyes move away from mine and you frown harder, “I wanted to do some good. I am not coming back, not yet.”

 

“So you are……. a ghost?” I am not craven but I can’t believe I would see a ghost in my life. It’s not just someone but Seungwan.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Then why can I see you? And touch you ” I cast my eyes on those hands and the coldness lingers.

 

 

It is real.

 

It is unrealistic but it is real.

 

 

Her silvery chuckles bring my gaze back to her, “Because I let you to.”

 

I don’t know why but I feel happy, “So you came back for me?”

 

 

And then we are just staring at each other, feeling exactly like the very first time.

 

I was surprised to see a young pretty girl when I was told to provide a sketch of the suspects. She was tranquil as a picture.

 

It was also the very first time I felt small under someone’s gaze. Never had I felt the same in front of my exes. Perhaps, I had fallen in love so quickly, so easily that I lost my way.

 

 

Here she is, again, staring into the deepest corner of me.

 

“I want to know something.” She finally steps closer, planting herself on the edge of the bed we once shared.

 

 

I keep my lips pursed and wait for her to continue.

 

 

“Peaceful for those of us, so happy, so in love.

Tell me what happened?

 

Who are they? Where did they go?

And when was enough, enough ?”

 

 

“Joohyun-ah,” She hasn't called me by that name for so long. “Why are we here? I mean, how did we get into a situation like this?”

 

There she goes, leaning a little closer as she speaks. I can’t remember the last time we got intimate.

 

 

She doesn’t remember things. I wonder which.

 

Having my thoughts calmed, I force a laughter hoping it doesn't show. “I can’t explain them neither. I don’t know what exactly happened.”

 

 

“Then tell me what drove us apart.” She eagerly demands.

 

“How am I supposed to tell you everything?”  Annoyed, I unknowingly raise my voice. 

 

 

I tended to get impatient whenever we talked. Probably because we always ended up fighting.

 

As a result, we still ended up fighting because we didn’t listen to each other anymore.

 

What a vicious cycle.

 

 

“When did all the fire turn colder?

When did your heart start to beat slower?

 

My whole memory of me in love, is gone so far from me, 

It's not fair.

 

And I can feel it almost start to change, 

But it just hurts to much, I let it go away.”

 

 

So she still cares about us after all.

 

I thought we were becoming strangers all over again. I thought she would leave me in the cold and she didn’t love me as before.

 

 

She gently pats my arm, saying her sorry.

 

I can’t recall when she did so the last time. She used to do it after we fought as a kind gesture, but gradually she lost her temper too.

 

 

So it doesn’t last long. She awkwardly retrieves her hand as soon as it touches my skin.

 

Her hand is really cold that it sends me goosebumps.

 

 

“It doesn’t need to be everything.” She rubs her palms together, gawking at them. “Just like……. What have I done wrong?”

 

I want so much to warm her up with my own hands since she is looking unprecedentedly vulnerable right now. 

 

 

Does it even matter now? That who has done what wrong?

 

 

“If it was true, if it was you,

Don't you think?

Don't you think I would know?

 

Amnesia, every memory fades away till it's gone,

Where did you go ?”

 

 

“Are you coming back?” I just let my inner voice take over and reach out for her cold hands.

 

And she doesn’t back away this time, “I can.”

 

 

“Then come back.” She looks at her hand which is in mine now. 

 

She then softly gives it a squeeze. “Do you want me to?”

 

 

“Is there anything else you want to do ?” Somehow I daren’t to answer or ask her directly. I know she came to see me.

 

She lets out a small laugh, “I had always wanted to quit my job..... But I guess it’s done by now.”

 

 

This, I remember. She had mentioned it a couple times.

 

But it wasn’t close to feasible since it took up both of our salaries to support our lives. Let alone her job had a really stable income and even dozens of allowances.

 

I was given a considerable sum of compassion death benefit. While she had named me as the only beneficiary for most of her insurances, it all added up to a huge amount of money, huge enough to support my living for the next year.

 

 

Still, she is dead. It doesn’t change this fact and it doesn’t make things easier for me.

 

 

“Yeah, you wanted to be a normal artist.”

 

“Do you know why?” She gives my hand a tug.

 

 

“I thought you wanted to…...” I stare blankly at her smiling face. I thought it was her goal. Please don’t tell me it’s because what I had said.

 

Just don’t. You always make me feel lacking, feel bad for myself.

 

 

“You said you want a simple life.” She mutters caressing my knuckles.

 

“Seungwan.” I close my eyes, not wanting to shed any more tears.

 

 

It is my verdict. It is me who did her wrong. I didn’t know that until now.

 

What have I done to her? And what have I done for her?

 

 

 

“It’s okay.” I feel her chest vibrates as I hear her voice, which its warmth has never faded. I find myself in her embrace.

 

Holding me so closely yet tenderly. I think I can hear her heartbeat. Just like before.

 

 

With my arms circled around her slim waist, I ease up.

 

I feel safe.

 

Ironic, isn’t it? I feel safe embraced by a ghost, rather than any other people.

 

 

In these two days, I was surrounded by hypocrites, who came to me and asked if I was okay but were just covetous of the money. Thinking that Wendy is now dead, they deem that I would feel lonely and fill up her side of the bed with whoever offer me comfort.

 

None of them could make me feel like this —  so safe and warm. Not even Wendy herself back in those days.

 

 

I can feel that she is really coming back.

 

It’s just her body is cold, and her heart stops beating. It still feels the same for me nevertheless.

 

 

“You are taking a leave, right?” Her chest vibrates again.

 

I nod against her arms.

 

 

“Go back to sleep now. You need it.” She breaks away and tries to tug me to bed. She seldom does that since I was always home late at night when she was already asleep.

 

I watch her getting off the bed, “Don’t.”

 

 

She stops as I grab her wrist, “You should sleep.”

 

I know I am such a kid and I want to be spoiled by her for once.

 

She watches my antics and chuckles again, before taking me back into her arms again.

 

 

 

“Seungwan.”

 

“Hm?”

 

“When you hold me, I feel safe from the things within me that hurts me.”  I tell her as I hold her closer.

 

“Didn’t I hurt you too?” 

 

 

 

“No, you don’t understand.”  I look up and she looks down. 

 

“Then make me understand.” She my cheek.

 

“It hurts me more when you’re not around. I tried.”

 

“So you must have suffered a lot.”

 

 

I take her hand which is rested on my cheek, “Stay. Come back to me.”

 

 

“Go on and tear me apart,

And do it again tomorrow.

 

I almost forgot, who you are.

I try to forget about it every time I see ya.”

 

 

Pulling away a little, she looks rather overwhelmed.

 

I don’t care I might sound desperate.

 

 

I am merely desperate for one person.

 

“I need you.”

 

 

“Thought I could do without it, now I know I need ya.

This is turning into some kind of amnesia.

 

Memories fade away,

Love is so insane.

 

I'll let you drive me crazy for another day,

Isn't this love insane?”

 

 

“I thought you don’t.” She smiles bitterly.

 

“I do.” I nearly plead. I have thrown away my ing pride and sanity since the very moment I was told that she was gone forever.

 

 

Slowly, she places a kiss on the crown of my head, “I can come back. But there’s something I should do.”

 

“What is it?” I am almost excited.

 

 

“I’ll figure it out and tell you later.” She gives me a reassuring smile.

 

“So you can stay?” Giddily like a child.

 

“I have to leave before tomorrow.” 

 

“Alright.”

 

 

I wonder what she has to do to get her life back. Maybe I should help.

 

 

 

“Now go back to sleep.” 

 

“But you'll be gone when I wake up.”

 

“It’s morning now.” 

 

I catch a glimpse of the clock on the nightstand and comply, “So can we hang out later? Just like the old days?”

 

 

“But I am dead. People can't see me and would think that you went crazy.” She shrugs. “I can let people see me too, but they might freak out if they recognize my face.”

 

It makes sense. “Let’s stay at home then.” 

 

 

Here we are, nestling by each other, silently, peacefully.

 

I drift off to sleep listening to her steady breathing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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 I named this chapter "Amnesia" not only because of the song but also because it suits the two characters' situations her - one is dead and has erased some of her unpleasant memories so that she can pretend nothing is wrong; another refuses to remember the mistakes she has made.

 

Hope you guys like it so far.

xo