(Song: Sam Smith "I'm Not The Only One")

 

 

 

“You've been so unavailable,

Now sadly I know why.

Your heart is unobtainable,

Even though Lord knows you have mine.”

 

 

 

“You love her.” Xavier stands beside me looking at the Central Police Department across the street.

 

 

“At least, loved.” I count the number of people walking by.

 

 

“But you still took the deal.” He turns his head to me and shows his rare curiosity.

 

 

“I have to know why. And it doesn't have to be for her.” 

 

 

“Why what ?”

 

 

“Why did she do it.” I starts to walk through the pedestrians.

 

 

“How about Kwon ?” He follows.

 

 

“I have my plans.”

 

 

 

It has been 3 days since I took the deal. I haven’t seen Irene. I left after she fell asleep again that night.

 

 

In these 3 days, I did my research. I found Kwon's family. I found some evidences from the police station. And, I found Irene’s secret.

 

 

Indeed, I was not even a secret. I knew. I found that out before I died but I chose to keep my mouth shut.  I let her. I don’t know it’s because I loved her or I didn’t love her.

 

 

I am not the Wendy I was when I was still alive. I forgot too many things. I lost them. I don’t feel things as I used to. I don’t know if I still love Irene. And should I.

 

 

 

I sit on the couch where I used to spend my nights. I remember sleeping here sometimes after we had a quarrel.

 

 

She is here too, talking on the phone in the balcony. She doesn’t see me because I hide myself.

 

 

I just watch her. I know whom she is talking to. I know why and I know what they did.

 

 

Everything is slowly coming back to me. It’s like rewinding a tape, little by little. I wait until she throws her phone on the floor. She is angry and she is crying. I want to hug her but my brain stops me.

 

 

 

I show myself and I speak softly, “Irene.”

 

 

She abruptly turns and looks at me in horror. It doesn’t last long, but she tries to hide it. “Y-you’re finally back.”

 

 

“You don’t want me to?” I ask staring straight at her. I might be dead but I can still feel the pain. Maybe it’s too deep. “Do you really mean what you’ve said ? Do you ? Or it’s just out of pity for my death ?”

 

 

“What nonsense are you talking about, Seungwan-ah?”

 

 

“I knew, Irene. I knew it even if I didn’t hear that conversation you just had.”

 

 

 

She instantly falls on her knees and starts weeping on the floor.

 

 

It’s afternoon. The sunlight is strong, but the room is still dim. I stand where I was, looking down on her. I am cruel, but so was she. 

 

 

She buries her face in her palms, daren’t to look at me again.

 

 

“You cheated, Irene. You cheated on me.”

 

 

 

“You say I'm crazy,

Cause you don't think I know what you've done.

But when you call me baby,

I know I'm not the only one.”

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

It started 4 months ago. I remember now. It’s when we gradually grew apart. We could only see each other at home. We did not even talk anymore.

 

 

I did not know whom she was seeing. I did not know what they had done. I just knew she was busy with someone else. Someone who could give her excitement, passion, and patience. Which I had none of those. Perhaps those parts of me were dead already then.

 

 

I was, or am, sensitive. So I found that out very soon. But I let her. I let her replace me with someone else, I let her pursue her own happiness by hurting me. I did not say a thing. I let her go every damn time she made up obviously lame excuses skipping our dates, coming home late. I was quiet. But I was not blind, nor deaf.

 

 

Maybe I was so naive that I thought she would come back. Maybe I was so hurt that I would rather let her be.

 

 

She was so unfamiliar for me. She has always been. There is always something that she keeps it for herself. I might know her every feature but I don’t know her as a person.

 

 

I chose to believe it was a better person than me. I chose to believe I had done such a bad job at loving her so that she had to look for someone else. Still, I was selfish. I did not want to give up this relationship and I caged her in the name of love.

 

 

But now, I want to know the truth. I want to hear it from her. I’d never been brave enough to ask her about that. I even erased that memory as I died.

 

 

I am still looking at her, whom is hopelessly sobbing. I have been controlling myself, not to feel sorry, not to feel hurt.

 

 

 

But then I find my cheeks soaked with my own tears. I’d never know ghosts can cry until now. “Why, Bae Joohyun? Just tell me why.” 

 

 

She hears my shaky voice and finally looks up as tears are still streaming down her pale face, “I’d never done anything with him.”

 

 

I shake my head dejectedly, and take a step back. “It’s still cheating. I don’t care if you two kissed or hugged. But if you slept with him then I guess there aren’t anything left between us.”  

 

 

I don’t know why I want to leave and go all invisible right now. I don’t want to deal with this mess suddenly.

 

 

“I didn’t.”

 

 

“How am I supposed to trust you?”

 

 

She pleads standing back up, “Please Seungwan. I know it was wrong, I am wrong.”

 

 

I take another step back, as I spill all the things out. And I rip the wound open.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

I remember that day. I was going to pick her up from work as we agreed to spend more time together the night before. But someone was already there.

 

 

I saw it with my own eyes, at the very day that we were supposed to have a dinner date since a very long time. So it was true. Her indifference, her empty side of the bed, her unreachable phone, all added up to a fact that I had been refusing to believe.

 

 

I told myself she was just busy. I told myself it was a phase that every couple would go through. Deep down, I knew these were all lies. I was lying to myself. I killed the engine and stared at that car on my seat. I did not, and I could not move.

 

 

My eyes were glued on that car, its owner, and the front door. Like an eagle, a hawk. 

 

 

I remember every detail of that scene. If I draw them out, it would be the most tragic painting I have ever painted.

 

 

 

I remember he bought her flowers. Aster, it means patience. I remember he opened the door for her like a gentleman. I remember she smiled towards him before the car headed off to the direction where that fancy restaurant she’s always wanted to go. I remember he always dropped her just right around the corner of the street of our apartment, thinking I would not see them.

 

 

I would drag my feet from the balcony back to the room we shared before she could reach the door. I would curl myself on my side of bed. I would wait for her to open the door, change into her slippers, come in and see if I was asleep yet. I would watch the light from the living room creeping up on my cold body, I would watch it disappearing with her tired retrieving figure.

 

 

I know. And it hurts. I loved her. I was afraid that if I confronted her, she would choose him and leave me forever.

 

 

But it doesn’t matter anymore. I left her instead. I lost my will to live.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

“Did you remember that day? You killed me on that day.” 

 

 

She cries and cries, to an extent that it’s getting annoying. “I’m sorry, Seungwan. I know I shouldn’t say these words now. He did approach me first. I thought it won't hurt if I just went on a few dates with him. I knew it was wrong. But I thought I needed that. I tried, and it did not work.”

 

 

I clutch my fists. She has never been so annoying in my eyes. As if I don’t want to look at her anymore.

 

 

“I laid beside you, but I could not fall asleep. How could you just came back as if nothing had happened? I was weak. I needed you. That’s why I knew I loved you when you asked me the other night. Is he really better than me?”

 

 

 

“You and me we made a vow,

For better or for worse.

I can't believe you let me down, 

But the proof is in the way it hurts. 

 

For months on end I've had my doubts,

Denying every tear.

I wish this would be over now,

But I know that I still need you here.” 

 

 

 

“Seungwan-ah, I ended it.” Irene is back on her feet, trying to step forward. “I ended it before you…… before you died. He just called. But I told him not to contact me anymore.”

 

 

“Why?” I look down on the invisible tears I shed. “Why did you ask me to come back if you don’t love me? Why do you have to chain me down when I finally have the chance to leave everything behind?”

 

 

I can feel her approaching me step by step, “It’s stupid but I realize I love you as I went out more with him. It’s you, it’s always you. Your death killed me too. I thought I could get back to you someday and start all over again. I thought it’d be better if I kept it a secret. Please, come back.”

 

 

I was going to take another step back but my back hits the wall. She seizes the chance and tries to reach out for me. 

 

 

It is just air, nothing that she grabbed instead.

 

 

 

I look at my fading hands then her sad, teary eyes. “Do you really love me?”

 

 

She holds her palm to her chest, trying to suppress another wave of tears, “I do.”

 

 

“Why can’t I feel it? I’m done playing the detective game with you, Joohyun.”

 

 

“I was afraid. I didn’t believe in myself and I didn’t believe in us. I didn’t know I could not bear to lose you. I didn’t know what to do anymore.”

 

 

 

“I have loved you for many years,

Maybe I am just not enough.

 

You've made me realize my deepest fear, 

By lying and tearing us up.”

 

 

 

“We both made a mistake.” I lift her chin up, forcing us both to look at each other.

 

 

She holds the hand on her face, “Let’s fix this.”

 

 

“Is it even fixable?” I chuckle bitterly withdrawing my hand from hers. “My heart doesn’t beat anymore.”

 

 

“Give me a chance, Seungwan. You said it can beat again.”

 

 

I try to blink my tears away, “Should I?” I don’t like that she’s crying and pleading. I’d rather her being all cold and y. I guess it hurts me deeply too, seeing her being hurt. 

 

 

“I love you.” She bites her lips. “You’re the only one I love. Don’t go.”

 

 

I haven’t heard those words in ages. I thought she would never say them again.

 

 

But, do I love her? Do I, and should I still love her? Irene and Bae Joohyun. What should I do with her?

 

 

“Give me time.”

 

 

And then I leave her standing there.

 

 

 

There are so much memories yet to be recovered. There are so much things yet to be done.

 

 

I am overwhelmed.

 

 

My death, her affair, her three words, her eyes, her tears,  Kwon’s case, and the deal with Xavier.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

“Did you go to check on Irene ?” Xavier leans on the railings, looking down on the busy streets and busy people.

 

 

I casually hum as my reply.

 

 

He spares a meaningful glance at me, “So how about Kwon ? Did you plan how to kill him yet?”

 

 

 

“I went to see his family earlier too.” Rooftops are chilly at night, I am a bit glad that I can’t feel cold. “Apparently he sent them money. And I guess he is still in this country.”

 

 

“Your gift is being observant.” He nods. “So what is your next move?”

 

 

“Find out where he has been hiding?”

 

 

He smiles, “I mean Irene.”

 

 

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “I can’t kill her.”

 

 

“You can do something else. You just don’t know yet.” He softly taps on my shoulder. 

 

 

I return a smile before sighing, “Maybe we should dig Kwon out first.”

 

 

“I’m sure you will figure everything out.”

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

It haunts me. 

 

 

How Wendy is disappearing in front of me. How I can see her with my eyes but I can’t touch her with my hands. It is so haunting. I let her slipped away from my own hands so many times. I screwed everything up.

 

 

I made a terrible mistake and I’m not sure if she should forgive me. It’s all because of me. I had imagined her flipping tables, kicking chairs, screaming when she found that out.

 

 

But it turns out she knows all the time. And she was deadly calm.

 

 

I had only thought of myself. I had asked if she loved me. Now I wonder if she still loves me. I wonder if it’s too late. And I can only blame myself and cry myself to sleep again tonight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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