(Song: Epik High - "Spoiler")

 

 

 

“Your cold eyes and words are the spoiler,

In your every action I see our end.

Even there are no words spoken, I feel the spoiler,

 

Should I watch till the end ? Or should I leave now?

What if there’s a plot twist?”

 

 

 

I told Xavier to follow a new lead and I am here, watching Irene snuggling against the pillows again. I can’t take a good look of her face, but I know it’s pale and it’s soaked.

 

 

Her muffled sobs can be heard from the doorway. She doesn’t close the windows properly. The ruthless wind in late November makes her shiver harder.

 

 

I guess she finally knows how it feels.I am gathering fragments of my memories back and I find myself more pathetic than I’d ever imagined. I am not a good person. I am a stupid one. I guess I finally know why I went back to save those trapped.

 

 

 

I am estranged by my life, by everything I had known, trusted, and loved. I am not suicidal. I am just self-abusive, because I have loved someone whom torn down my world bit by bit.

 

 

I watched her. I always watch her and there’s nothing I can do with her.

 

 

I knew what was coming.  And I just sat there and watched. 

 

 

 

'“What are you thinking?'

You only looked at me after I asked twice.

 

And you gave me an answer that’s not really an answer,

“Maybe it’s gonna rain tomorrow”.

 

You looked out the window again,

I have seen a lot of your side profile these days.

You let out a sigh and I froze up in the overflowing silence."

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

"Thinking bad things that I shouldn’t be thinking.

I know, my intuitions are dangerous.

 

I would gonna fall deep if I only take one step.

My sensitiveness is really evil.

I know why, your mysterious sighs keep increasing,

And your fleeting heart is leaving with each sigh.”

 

 

 

I sat there and watched you spacing out on your birthday dinner. I knew you were tired after work. I knew you were tired.

 

 

I reserved the diner you like and all I asked is to have a decent dinner with you on your birthday. I thought I had the right to ask for it because I was your girlfriend for two ing years. But you did not give me the right to begin with.

 

 

I acted like I’m just your friend sitting across the table, looking at you and my plate. I had never held your hands in the public because you said it’d better not to. I did everything you asked. But you didn’t the same for me.

 

 

 

I clutched on the napkin on my lap, and I opened my pathetic mouth. “What are you thinking?”

 

 

I asked the same question 10 minutes ago and you did not budge a single bit. This time you finally noticed my existence.

 

 

“Maybe it’s gonna rain tomorrow.” You muttered to the cloudy sky, the sky which was a whole lot darker than it used to be.

 

 

And you turned to your untouched food. You did not look at me. Not for once during the whole meal. Did you want me to draw your side-profile this much? You did not even bother to converse with me, your girlfriend, whom was just in front of you, and you were miles away already. You did not say a word anymore but sighed. I could not understand you.

 

 

I don’t know if you didn’t want to be there or you were tired. Tired of me maybe. My head hurt as much as my heart did. And I was stupid enough to hold onto you still.

 

 

I thought I was going to forget your face and your voice very soon. I wish I forgot your face and your voice so that I don’t have to be here watching you again.

 

 

I knew I was losing you. I knew I had lost you when he came into your life.

 

 

Then why are you crying Irene? Are you crying for me or for yoursel ?

 

 

You are so selfish. You asked me to come back. Do you even love me? Should I believe you once more? Am I self-abusive enough? You haven’t changed our house for a tiny bit. My stuff are still there. 

 

 

My painting tools are still carefully placed in the drawers. My clothes are still neatly hanged in our wardrobe.  My toothbrush is still beside yours. My coffee mug is still on the rack. My shoes are still mixed with yours.

 

 

Are you not accepting the fact that I am dead or are you actually hoping I am going to come back? Are you just lazy? Or are you just self-deceiving?

 

 

Perhaps you are self-deceiving like I am being so self-abusive. Explain to me, Irene. Tell me your story and make me understand.

 

 

Or, just let me go. Because I am getting tired too.

 

 

 

“For some reason, life got busier than before.

Those days no one contacting me and those forcefully conversation we had.

Words that have been written and erased are all a foreshadowing.

 

Maybe it’s coincidence but every time I look at the clock, 

Those two parting hands are like foreseeing out future."

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

"These are all cliché.

Everything is just like movie scenes that have seen hundreds of times.

But why am I so anxious?

 

All the promises we made in the beginning, 

Did we forget them because we're busy? 

Or are we busy forgetting them?”

 

 

 

I am holding onto the pillows like I am holding on for my life. I inhale the scent lingered there, her scent. Everything about her lingers, except herself.

 

 

I can feel her haunting me ever since I was told about her death. I wonder it was really her or it was just my guilt. I can’t believe I was that stupid enough to cheat on her. I was that stupid to end that hoping to get back to her like nothing ever happened.

 

 

It was me who told her I love her in the first place. It was also me who left her in the cold by herself. I thought our love could be strong enough to get us through all those obstacles and hatred. And it was again me who backed down first.

 

 

It started when people gossiped about how a young decent-looking girl like me have never gotten associated with any men. My colleagues were often submitted due to a fact that I was in a higher rank, so they seldom opened their filthy mouths when I was around.

 

 

But I was busy. And I knew what they were talking behind my back. I got angry. I got scared. What if they found out it was true ?

 

 

Wendy was a sensitive person. She knew about my worry even before I did. The next day she showed up in my office during lunch hour and told them she was my cousin. She dropped me a lunch box and drove back to her workplace in a blink of an eye.

 

 

It was her first time lying for me, and my first day driving myself home. I was relieved somehow. I knew I shouldn’t be.

 

 

 

On the other hand, I knew she could be busy sometimes and it’d be better not to interrupt since her job was much important than mine. Funny how, I didn’t quite like her job even it has brought us together. I heard her stories from work and I secretly preferred her staying away from those risky places.

 

 

Now it turns out, she knows about this all along.

 

 

I had always wanted to text her but I just could not find the right words. I didn’t know why but she didn’t text me that often neither.

 

 

It was so obvious that we were drifting apart. We did not talk anymore, we did not……. Maybe it’s just me. It’s always me screwing things up.

 

 

What were we busy for indeed? Wasn’t that I worked so hard to shut their mouths? Wasn’t that I worked so hard to ease her burden? Wasn’t that I worked so hard for our future, for us? Why did I end up using my work as an excuse?  How did we end up there? Was it really because of me?

 

 

I was so lost, so bushed. By myself. I shouldn’t blame her. I shoudn't.

 

 

 

When he asked me out, I must have in my head which made me agreed. I doubted her and I doubted us. I lost faith, I became a coward while she was still here waiting for me. When he came by, people finally shut their mouths but that’s not the way I wanted. I knew I couldn’t leave her.

 

 

I had to the guts to start this mess but I waited for so long to end it. I always know I should go back to her. He said same- relationships don’t last long and I slapped him. He said he would wait for me and I threw his flowers to the bin.

 

 

I just could not make up my damn mind.

 

 

I knew I should stop seeing him while I was too scared to face Wendy. I was caught in such a predicament that I didn’t know what to do anymore.

 

 

 

She remembers every word I said and I can’t believe what I have done to her.

 

 

“I’ve always wanted a simply life. You know, just a house for two, and maybe a pet. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Or in a small town. We can both come home after work and cook dinner together, breakfast too. And cuddle for TV, or DVD nights, read a book and such.”

 

 

“Sounds good to me.”

 

 

“You are fine with that, Seungwan?”

 

 

“I am just curious what kind of pet you want, cat or dog? Don’t tell me it’s a bird or any reptiles.” 

 

 

“You can decide on that.”

 

 

“Didn’t I say you look like a cat, Joohyun-ah?”

 

 

 

There was another time, I came home after leaving my hand print on his face, and drinking a few beers alone outside a convenient store. 

 

 

And she was awake that night. I stayed where I was, feeling filthy for what I had done although I just told him to himself. She would smell my breath.

 

 

I looked at her petite figure and I held back my tears. “I’m sorry.”

 

 

She asked me where I had been and I lied.

 

 

“We haven’t seen each other much lately, you know?” She spoke again and I think she didn’t see the tears on my face.

 

 

“I’m sorry.” It’s all I could think of.

 

 

“Stop apologizing. Just tell me what is in your mind.” 

 

 

I couldn’t. But I knew I love her. 

 

 

“Do you love me?” I managed to speak after a long silence.

 

 

“Of course, I do.”

 

 

 

It deepened my guilt and all I could do is to hold her tight. I wanted to let her know I was coming back to her.

 

 

I think my pillows would never be dry again. I daren’t to touch anything in the house, fearing those traces of her would be gone.

 

 

I don’t care about the others anymore. Now they know.

 

 

Wendy is my love and she is dead. I would do anything to bring her back.

 

 

But have I done anything, except for hurting her? So I guess I deserve this ending. But she does not derseve to die.

 

 

 

“Maybe I have trapped you in my pathetic fantasy,

Perhaps I have given you a role that don’t really fit at all.

 

Then you catered to me and said "I love you" out of habit,

While you were always thinking something else.

The unmatched lines and facial expressions, and those off subtitles.

 

I wish for a movie-like love so is this my punishment ?

I ask about your heart but your answer is always open-ended.”

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

“Anything from the mayor?” Xavier joins me in the doorway of my house, or the house I used to live with Irene.

 

 

“Marquis. He is his daughter’s boyfriend. However he is clean. Still he must know something.”

 

 

“Great. Kwon is just hiding in a slum near the outskirt of the city. He is not going anywhere with so many people after his .”

 

 

“Fine.”

 

 

“What are you looking at? She’s sleeping.” He peeks over my shoulder.

 

 

 

“She isn’t. She was sobbing a second ago.” 

 

 

“Does she love you?”

 

 

“I wish I know.”

 

 

“She cheated.” He nudges me.

 

 

 

“I know.” I sigh. “I know everything now.”  

 

 

“And do you love her?”

 

 

“I used to love her very much and I loved her in the wrong way. I know we were heading to an end. And my death makes everything more complicated.”

 

 

“You know what, you can live your own life after getting it back.”

 

 

“It’s exactly what I have been thinking about. The final step of my plan.”

 

 

He nods tapping on my shoulder, “I think I understand now.”

 

 

 

He left and I walk up to the end of the bed.

 

 

“What did he say when he called you yesterday ?”

 

 

“Wendy?” She raises her head from the soaked pillows in disbelief. 

 

 

“Answer my question.” I look at the covers but not her, not her eyes.

 

 

Irene sits up slowly, “He…… He said he can c-come over.” 

 

 

“I thought you said you ended it before I died?” I continue my little interrogation.

 

 

“I did!” She raises her voice in distress. “Please believe me, just once.” 

 

 

I still have my eyes down, “Then he must love you too.”

 

 

She stay silent.

 

 

“Why did you throw your phone away?” I probe further. “I died, you two can be together finally. You don’t have to be guilty and he doesn’t have to wait anymore.”

 

 

“Damn you Son Seungwan.” The next thing I know is her throwing a punch on my shoulder. “Why won’t you understand?”

 

 

I just watch.

 

 

“You can say whatever to me but you’re the one I love. It’s never him. I was blind. I was wrong………” I watch her talking non-stop while hitting me still. I think I can feel the pain. 

 

 

So I cut her off, “Jealousy is a .”

 

 

She perks up a bit, “What were you saying?”

 

 

 

My gaze match hers and I give her shoulders a soft push re-creating a distance between us.

 

 

“You haven’t touched anything in my workroom, right?”

 

 

“Y-yes?” 

 

 

“Nothing.”

 

 

Then I leave her hanging there. Not by vanishing into the air this time, just walking to another room on foot.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

I stand by the door and glance around.

 

 

There’s an easel right in the middle of the room. It’s covered with a white cloth. Beneath it, it’s my drawing board.There’s a canvas hidden within.

 

 

I have never told anyone about that.

 

 

“You’re here.” She finally catches up, standing behind me.

 

 

Since I literally walked through walls to get here and she had to walk like a normal person.

 

 

 

“I know what you are thinking.” I lean on the door. “Perks of being a ghost.”

 

 

“What?” She gets slightly agitated.

 

 

“I watched you and I know now.” I chuckle softly. “Look under the board. There’s something you should know too.”

 

 

She looks at me before doing what I said. 

 

 

The cloth falls on the floor and soon the canvas is in her hands.

 

 

 

I look at the sight of her back, picturing her expression. “I didn’t have the time to finish it. Although I said no, I’ve always wanted to draw you a portrait. As a gift……. Or a parting gift whatsoever.”

 

 

I only managed to sketch the contours of her face. Roughly, but enough to identify it’s her, Bae Joohyun.

 

 

Perhaps it’s some sort of occupational disease, I want it to be perfect, I want it to be accurate, I want it capturing her to its very lines.

 

 

But I still don’t know her that much.

 

 

It can never be finished.

 

 

 

“You-” 

 

 

“I remember, every word you said.” I look at her whom turns around and shows her confused face.

 

 

She holds it to her chest, tightly yet gently not wanting to crumple it. “I have-”

 

 

“You have done nothing, except for hurting me?” I lift a bitter smile. I don’t know why, I am not happy but I smile.

 

 

“What should I do? Tell me, Seungwan-ah.” She pleads.

 

 

I hate it when she pleads. I hate it when she cries. Is it a part of my fault? Is it because of me?

 

 

 

Why am I a ghost and I can do all the things human can’t, but still feel all the things they can? Shouldn’t I be immune to emotions?

 

 

Xavier is right. It’s because I shouldn’t be a ghost to begin with. I think it is torturing us both.

 

 

“I told you there’s a way I can come back to life.” I pace towards her.

 

 

“And?” The closeness between us intimates her a little.

 

 

 

I examine her features which are still very beautiful stained with tears and paleness.

 

 

“I think…….. There’s someone I should kill.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

---

And I just wanna say - karma is gonna bite.

thanks for the love and patience :)

xo